So relieved I didn’t have children

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Do any other child free by choice women experience this sweeping relief from time to time? I’ve just got back from a holiday with several family children who are beautifully behaved and great company but whose parents were trapped in never ending arguments about who’d do what and who could have time to relax whilst the other minded the kids. It led to several tense atmospheres.

I know not all parents argue but I’ve got home with such an overriding sense of relief that I made the decision not to have kids.

As someone who has children and loves it, I can still appreciate how being childfree must be grand too - there are pros and cons to both! I think it's fantastic that not having children is becoming normalised in society, so that people who choose to be childfree don't get pestered about not having them.

But I also think it's (ironically) childish to complain that society as a whole has to contribute to the well-being of children as a demographic. Not only do taxes pay for many things that may not apply to you personally, but the next generation is required for the stability of society.
Besides, children are people too, who deserve to be provided for if their parents can't do so properly on their own.

Children bring existential joy to some of us. I have adult DC and we all hang out and have a lot of good times. They love each other and spend time together too. I’m excited for Christmas when they’ll all come back and crowd the house and raid the fridge and I can catch up with them over a Baileys in the kitchen at midnight.

Saying you’re glad you don’t have children because other people’s are noisy or look like hard work is negating the fact that your DC are part of you. You fundamentally understand most of the time why they’re arsey or whingey so it’s not the big deal to you, that it appears to an outsider. It’s like dealing with yourself when you feel the same.

Imagine a dog being glad it’s not a human because it lives an easy life where they get to sleep, eat and run. And all they see humans do is hold a lead and pick up shit. Yes the dog is happy and fulfilled, and human life is sometimes hard, but it’s far more wonderful than the dog will ever know.

Every time at family functions when kids kick off because it is time to go home.
Cars with screaming or crying (or both) kids, DH and I in peaceful quiet and night cap after.
I do like the kids in our families. They are fun, but once the fun part ends, yeah. Very happy with our decision 🙈

I feel the same as you OP. I’m quite surprised reading this thread though - some
posters really seem to have a chip on their shoulder about those of us who are child free and happy to be so. Why is that?

I have dc…I love them dearly, but do I think they made my life better? I can’t answer that because I haven’t got a second version of my life to compare to. Yes they bring joy but they also bring worry and stress which can outweigh it at times. I’m not walking around In a bubble of love…I walk around in a bubble of “how in the world can I protect these two precious beings!” It’s because I love them so much that it’s hard…and NO ONE can explain it and how it makes you feel. You don’t understand until you have them. If I had my time back would I have my dc…hard to admit but probably not. And not because I don’t want them but because I hate that I can’t protect the entirely from the bullshit of this world. Parenting is hard! You do you @Settings11111111 its grew that you know your own mind!

You’ve popped up in active, so will get some flack sadly.

I totally get that feeling of relief, despite having looked after a lot of DC in my time. As well as my own, I fostered, and still love a squidgy potato baby.

However the relief that I no longer do is like taking your bra off at the end of the day, or taking off your shoes and putting sheepskin slippers on. Visceral, physical relief.

It is sad so many men make parenting harder than doing it alone. Despite not actually seeking any extra input/responsibility with children, I’d still offer help to anyone stuck in the mines. It’s bloody relentless hard work. I’ve been called on in an emergency by a fair few neighbours who know that as strangers go I’m relatively safe- multiple DBSs for various roles.

But I’m always glad it’s short term!

Disclaimer; I have got 2 teens. But I can fully understand how you can feel relieved not having children. I can't not want my children because I love them and they are here but if I got a second life I probably would not have children in that life. One of my sons is disabled and will need support his whole life. The other one is unhappy about living with his brother who is a pain for sure. I am constantly trying to see to everyone's needs and happiness and feel submerged by it.

So if I could just stay away for 2 weeks, 1 week even and only think about myself that would be bliss. Not possible however since I'm the only one who can "manage" ds1. I sometimes wish I got sick so I had to be hospitalised just to not constantly be a carer. Wow. Just read that back ti myself. Sounds awful. Well, just wanted to say that I do understand the relief women without children feel..

I think some (myself included) take offence to people complaining about paying taxes that benefit children and parents, or making comments about 'breeders' or 'breeding'. There's an attitude by some childfree people that those who choose to have children are inflicting an unnecessary burden on society, when in fact children are an essential part of a functioning society.

For those who are just happy about not having to deal with the stress of parenthood, I say good for you! I wouldn't change my own decisions, but I can see it must be lovely to only have to worry about yourself!

(I also think there are probably some parents who are just really defensive about having had children and/or who think everyone should have children.)

And there are also huge rewards and positives from not having them.

Why aren’t women without children allowed to be happy with their choices?

In some ways I’ve seen both sides of the coin. I had 20 years with DH without children and then had a DS.

We had a fantastic 2 decades of doing what we wanted with virtually no restrictions but towards the end did feel like we’d done the bulk of what we wanted to do and while life was still good it was getting progressively harder to find new experiences.

When DS arrived it changed everything for the better. I’m absolutely convinced that the years since he arrived have been infinitely more rewarding than they would have been without him. Having said that had he have arrived 20 years earlier I’m not sure I’d have been able to say the same then knowing now what those years were like for us.

I’d also reiterate what some other posters have said that I’m not keen on most other people’s children. The relationship with your own child is simply not comparable.

I’ve also had a very straightforward child with virtually no issues. No tantrums, always slept well, eats everything, potty trained in a weekend, started well at school etc. When you hear of the issues some other parents face with their DC I’m not sure I’d be quite so positive if faced with the same challenges.

I definitely look at my friends with kids’ lives and think ‘wow that looks like a lot of work’. I don’t feel well today so am literally going to do fuck all the whole day, I am very happy that I can do this with no guilt or obligation.

I just look at the good bits people say and just don’t really see it, I don’t like being touched or cuddled and I don’t really care about their sense of wonder. I’m a teacher (and apparently a good and caring one) and I wonder if that was the direction any nurturing instinct took me. I’m not saying it’s the same as parenting at all but clearly there is a bit of crossover.

I agree that we all benefit from being part of a society, so it’s wrong to say that all childless people pay loads of tax for other people’s kids, equally the idea that all kids are going to pay for childless people’s pensions, a lot of people don’t end up net contributors, not necessarily through any fault of their own.

As long as I don’t get sad faces or talk of having missed out on love or the idea that my life is somehow lesser because of choices I made, it’s all good.

You know what we need? More people to tell us we’re wrong.

Thanks for the insight @OtterlyAstounding. FWIW I’ve never felt that way and am happy to pay my share. I respect parents but it just isn’t for me and I’m happy with that.

This just perfectly illustrates why I don’t want children though. Even the good times you describe are underpinned by the fact your life is not your own - as you describe by saying they’re an extended part of you.

Nothing, not the parts of having children that other people love and treasure, could ever make up for the deep sense of relief and fulfilment I get from knowing my life is entirely mine and can be lived on my terms, whether on a day to day basis in terms or longer term plans. The good parts of being a parent wouldn’t be rewards for me because they’re all bound up in my life being fundamentally and forever altered and my autonomy being reduced. I have two dogs that I love but I sometimes even regret getting them because of the demands they place on my time and autonomy. So I fully agree OP. Even the very “best” bits of parenting are a complete turn off.

It also winds me up when people with kids say “I admire the childfree being brave enough to make that choice!” I know they mean well with this sentiment but it makes no sense. It really is very easy to avoid having children. For me, there was no active choice involved, I just always knew it wasn’t for me, just like I instinctively knew I wouldn’t wake up one day and find I’d turned into a banana or become a member of the royal family. I didn’t have to do anything to become or stay childfree. Societal pressure is just some people having opinions that are very easily ignored, I can honestly say I’ve never noticed or felt it. Having children would have required active choice an effort, not least finding a partner who also wants them and would be a decent parent, while being childfree literally requires no more effort than telling people you’re dating that you don’t want kids and using contraception.

I think other peoples children ate annoying sometimes.Having 2 older ones now .I can smile a sigh of relief at screamers .or sympathy for a tired Mum.Its everyones choice of course ,but not having DC doesnt give you lifelong happiness any more than someone with 3 or 4 DC!

I can totally understand that! Being childfree sounds...well, very 'free', so I can see the appeal. As rewarding as children are, they're also stressful little money pits, time gobblers, and freedom squelchers, and not for everyone!

Historically child free women have been pitied, suspected infertility, or thought ‘less than’ if choosing that life.
Many women still feel it is a woman’s role to bear children and don’t consider being childless - see how that term makes some women feel less.
With contraception, women can choose and I wish more children were truly wanted and not just born because it’s what women do. I think it is quite brave to own being without children by choice.
The biological choice to reproduce is naturally present in most mammals but maybe we should be more considerate of what we can offer a child beyond being their mum.
I chose to have 4 children and wouldn’t change a thing - more money would have been great but we didn’t rely on benefits and they have all grown up to be hard working members of society.
In essence, I think if you don’t want children that’s your choice to make and probably wise but we do need women to have babies.
For me, my children have brought me much happiness; I love children and have worked with the most challenging but it’s not for everyone. OP, I probably couldn’t do your job or even enjoy your lifestyle but it’s good we have variety.

This. I am CFBC and happy with it. My sister has a large family of children and grandchildren and is happy with that. The key thing is we had the choice.

Lovely post @BarbarasRhabarberba . For some of us, it felt like nothing would have made up for the loss of freedom and autonomy and the endless responsibility involved in having children. Living life on your own terms (at least to an extent) is truly priceless

I have a different perspective on the 'bravery' of being child free. It was a very difficult, complex and painful decision for me and it was quite an internal battle for a long time. You also have a lot to contend with in terms of societal expectations and sometimes rude and intrusive comments from other people. I know that your experience was more straightforward and good for you 👍

As a mother of three (my choice - happy with that) I'm very glad women now have a real choice to remain child free and are (largely) not looked on as just plain weirdo's, or pitied for not having children.
I hope you all enjoyed your lie-in this morning 😀

Love this post. I feel very similar. Thank you for saying this.

Quite right, each to their own I say! I hope everyone’s choices take them where they want to be.

I also feel privileged to live in a world where I can make my own choice without it being forced upon me as happens to so many women and girls around the world.

She posted on the appropriate board. You didn't have to read the thread. This always happens, though. Always. Just don't read it.

Why this board can't be removed from Active is beyond me.

Except, my dog is genuinely the most joyful thing I know. I bet she's miles happier with her life than any human being I've ever met.