So relieved I didn’t have children

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Do any other child free by choice women experience this sweeping relief from time to time? I’ve just got back from a holiday with several family children who are beautifully behaved and great company but whose parents were trapped in never ending arguments about who’d do what and who could have time to relax whilst the other minded the kids. It led to several tense atmospheres.

I know not all parents argue but I’ve got home with such an overriding sense of relief that I made the decision not to have kids.

I thought long and hard and flip flopped for years. If I was guaranteed a healthy happy baby and marriage, I might have gone the other way, but the risk wasn’t worth it to me. I took me a long time to stick to a decision.

No one needs your perspective, this is a board for people without children.

Well indeed. I was just pointing out that many women don't feel the need to agonise over the decision at all. Totally agree that people coming to a thread to tell us we're wrong to not want to be mothers is highly irritating.

A good comparison would be if the site was mainly about cats and the owners of the site allowed a dog board. Discussion about dogs would be fine, but discussion about how relieved people were to not have cats and discussing cats and their owners negatively probably wouldn’t go down so well. I think you’d get a lot of people giving a different perspective, which would be valid on a site about predominantly about cats.

If there was a website mainly about being child free, which had got popular and expanded, do you think there would even be a board for parents? If there was, do you think that child free people would be ok if on that parent board, parents created post after post saying how relieved they were to have children, pointing out their perceived negatives about being child free, being lonely, etc?

No, it’s not a good comparison at all. Because MN is no longer a parenting-only discussion site.

It may have started as such 20 years ago but if you review topics under discussion now, only a subset have to do with child rearing.

There are many non-parents posting on MN. And various boards for specific demographics and interests. Would you think it ok for a white person to tell the Black Mumsnetter board that their POV was invalid? Do you insert your opinions onto boards for lesbians, atheists, religious? Then why come to this board and undermine the discussion?

Who cares what she says? If she thinks we are all sad and made a mistake through not having children she can think again. I'm 51 and have none and do not regret it. I know plenty of women whose lives have been turned upside down by their children and that life simply wasn't for me.

Well yes, but the problem is that posters like this derail the threads when they could just as easily hide the board so they don’t have to look at it.

Your SP will be financed by those in work when you're retired.

By the time we get to the age there will be no SP anyway

Mumsnet is still a parenting site, which has evolved to talk about other things. You can’t expect to not be challenged if you be negative about parenting and children. As a pp said talking positively about being child free is different to talking negatively about having children.

If black mumsnetters said they were relieved not to be white and talked negatively about being white, they would be challenged. But it’s different anyway, as mumsnet isn’t a site for mainly black or white people, like it is predominantly a site for parents. And I really hope you don’t think that being child free is in any way comparable to being black with the racism that many if not not all black people have experienced.

As a pp said talking positively about being child free is different to talking negatively about having children.

So if I said ‘I love being child free because I don’t have to share my time or space with kids & I like cats much better anyway’ then that would be absolutely fine & parents wouldn’t be rushing to share their alternative perspectives?

I never believed that.
My life was perfect for 37 years without children but then I had them and realised it was true, your own are different, at least for me, the single best decision I ever made.

I have never had the slightest interest in other people's children and if I'd gone down the other fork in the road and chosen not to have them nothing would have convinced me that I was missing anything.

And that's fine, no-one wants to live life with regrets.

Mine are grown up now and I loved that all too brief period in my life when I had children at home. I'm back to being "child free" now but with the added bonus of two fabulous adult children.

Mine are grown up now and I loved that all too brief period in my life when I had children at home. I'm back to being "child free" now but with the added bonus of two fabulous adult children.

And I’m happy for you, but the meaning of ‘MNers without children’ here is MNers who have never had children and never expect to. Which is why we also talk about things like social expectations, who we’re going to leave our property to & how to cope in old age - all in the context of not having offspring, fabulous or otherwise.

I never had kids for a variety of reasons, but probably the main one is the thought that I’d be a terrible mother, and my children would grow up to be horrible brats.

As we financed their elders' pensions and the "children's" education, health care and myriad other services and systems. They are not doing us a favour. And if they weren't here, there are plenty of people who would like to emigrate here to join the labour force and "pay our pensions."

As we speak, I'm (trying to) pack for a sunny escape next week until mid January. Great to get away from all the noise, traffic and full on commercialism at the moment.

Anyway I can only say that if I had kids to pack for also, I wouldn't cope. I can barely sort myself out for this holiday! Putting things in, taking things out, looking at the list, sorting out meds, and so on. You'd think I'd never travelled before. With kids to pack for I think I'd have to stay at home!

What utter horseshit. I certainly can and do "expect to not be challenged" when I'm on a niche discussion board for people in my particular circumstances.

If you are so insecure in your life choices that you feel the need to "challenge" others and intrude on their space, just because they are happy with their life choices, that's your problem. Not ours.

This is pretty much exactly why we’ve been trying so hard to get the board taken off Active, but MNHQ flatly refuse.

I agree it would be better not on active. I wouldn’t go looking for this board but if it’s on active I might comment or sometimes I don’t even notice which board threads are on. What’s there reasoning for not taking it off active?

Yes, just like our taxes subsidised the pensions of the generations before us. Many of us are still paying tax even though no longer working.

I'm a retired tax payer.

Quite! This is my look, in cat form, when I’m fed up feeling like I have to justify myself 😂

Oh give over, please!

MNHQ are happy for us to be here. This board exists, deal with it. All of your points have been made hundreds of times. And rebutted frequently.

I’m not going to waste my time on people who really seem to have a problem with those who are happy to talk about being happy at not having you children. It’s definitely a “you” problem.

Getting back to the topic at hand, I've been really enjoying the season this year. And no plastic or garish kiddie claptrap to deal with.

We've pulled out some delicate ornaments and baubles handed down in my family, and it's such a pleasure to hang them knowing that they won't be grabbed at or broken. We've been enjoying classical versions of traditional hymns and carols in the background most days, and sometimes just sitting by the fire at night, listening to music and having a glass of wine.

Christmas is far from "just for kids." There also are book, audiobooks, and documentaries about Christmas traditions, as well as classic films that children wouldn't enjoy. I purchased a book AND audiobook of golden-age detective stories set at Christmas time, and that's been fun. We also like listening to old-time radio from wartime and afterward, and there are many suspense programs and "fireside" revues that are fun to listen to while cooking or whatnot.

You can't find this board unless a) You Google Mumsnet childfree or b) someone makes a post then it shows up in active. It's not exactly advertising itself. Yes this is a mumsnet forum but it's also a separate place on the forum.

I personally don't subscribe to moaning about paying taxes for people having children. But people can have opinions.

I like hearing snippets from the side of relief of not having children, especially at this family oriented time of year. I don't particularly like hearing constant negativity though. But think everyone deserves the same respect.

Live and let live. I'm quite enjoying being single and child free at the moment, I'm sure the pendulum will swing another time and I'll feel sad.