So relieved I didn’t have children

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Do any other child free by choice women experience this sweeping relief from time to time? I’ve just got back from a holiday with several family children who are beautifully behaved and great company but whose parents were trapped in never ending arguments about who’d do what and who could have time to relax whilst the other minded the kids. It led to several tense atmospheres.

I know not all parents argue but I’ve got home with such an overriding sense of relief that I made the decision not to have kids.

I am actually embarrassed to be a parent and some of the comments on this thread 🙄

The way you view things from the outside looking in isn't the same as living it on the inside. And you've given an example of being on holiday with parents negotiating things between themselves but that's not what it's like forever with children since they grow up to be adults :)

Are you saying you think everyone should try having a go at being parents? Even if they're unsure, don't want to do it at all or would be terrible parents. Just have a go and see what it's like?

Because honestly that's a terrible idea. Children should be wanted from the get go.

Child free people have seen enough from the outside and know it's not the right decision for them. It's a wonderful thing about the modern world that we don't all have to live carbon copy lives. About to go take my contraceptive pill that I'm ever thankful for.

I'm sure you can agree that the lived experience varies even amongst parents. There is no guarantee I would be experiencing what you do if I became a mother.

I am aware that children grow up. I’m not sure what the point of your posts is.

Exactly. It causes great damage to a child if it can sense that it's not really wanted or the parents struggle to cope. And no, you can't fake it. I think it is often underestimated how much children take in.

I often think that parents are in denial about what might affect their children. They end up with depression, anxiety or worse but like to attribute to the outside world.

You can see it in some of the threads here. A mother once shared she completely lost it at her child and most parents came to comfort her without much thought about what it might have done to the child. The child was maybe five and most kept saying it won't remember the incident. And it probably won't but the child's nervous system will not forget how scared it was unless it is being helped through the experience. I am an adult and if someone completely lost it at me i would feel quite shaken.

I have three kids, but I will add some things you can be grateful for:

Not having to worry about depressed adult kids, not having to pretend to welcome adult kid's awkward partners, not having to witness the disillusion and disappointment of your adult kids.

And thank fuck for that.

Whatever maternal instinct I have, and it’s not much, is completely channelled towards cats & I’m more than happy for it to stay that way.

It's different with your own kids because you can't give them back.

I think it's the normal MN reaction to any post.

Some people come out in support some against.

I think good.for you all. But perhaps a site called footloose and fancy free would be.a better place for it?? 🙊🙈

It on on a board named ‘MNetters without children’. What should be posted here if not threads about not having children?

When people wanted this board, which I supported, child free people said they wanted a place to discuss things that affected them as child free people. It does seem to have become a place where posters seem to be very negative about anyone who has children and to gloat about what a lucky escape they’ve had by not having any. That does seem at odds with a parenting site.

And if people post on the main boards negatively about not having children, childfree people taken offence, but then because this board exists, childfree people think they should be able to come here, be negative about parents and children and not be challenged. Thats not really going to happen on a parenting site.

@Slothing Why do you think that childfree people expressing happiness about being childfree means they are being negative about parents and children?

Because they are so often being negative about children and parents, not just being happy with their own situation.

And to be clear, I don’t care if people are negative about children and parents, but I’m just saying why some people may get a bit annoyed.

Personally I think if you’re genuinely happy with your situation, you don’t keep mentioning it. If someone with children posted, ‘I’m so relived I chose to have children, I look at a couple I know who don’t have children and their life seems so quiet and boring. I just feel this overwhelming relief that I had children’, I’d wonder why they felt the need to say it. When life is happy, you’re just in it, present and living it.

Based on this thread, I think many people without children think having children is full of stress but for me and my friends, it hasn’t been the case at all. We all have good partners and people around us to support us. We have always had time to ourselves, continued with travelling, holidays, nights out etc. Similarly there is often the assumption from people with children that child free peoples lives must be missing something, be lonely, full of superficial things etc which will not be the case. I don’t know why it has to turn into a them vs us thing. I have friends and family with and without children, we’re all just people and share lots of experiences because we’re living in the same world, whether we have children or not.

Good for you. No idea why you’re posting on this thread.

Because it’s a public forum, I have free time and I can post where I like as long as I stay within talk guidelines. If you want a site for only child free people, make one, but this is a parenting site. My posts have been polite and reasonable so mumsnet won’t have an issue with me or others like me posting here.

Because it’s a public forum, I have free time and I can post where I like as long as I stay within talk guidelines.

Exactly. On every thread, you get a whole variety of opinions and perspectives that may/may not be what the OP is looking for. Offensive posts can be reported and removed, but otherwise anyone is free to comment.

@Slothing I don't really get your point. Of course the decision to not have children will be based on the cons, even potential cons. I see parents and yes I am glad I didn't choose that for myself as I would have struggled. I didn't want to risk passing trauma to a child, or having a disabled child or be a single mother. Believe it or not, knowing what I know now about myself, my own childhood and the way I was brought up does indeed bring me relief today that I didn't choose motherhood that would have continued the cycle. I suspect though that this might be hard to understand for someone who sailed into motherhood, possibly without too much baggage in fairly good emotional and physical health.

It is bizzare to me that you say someone happy with their choices doesn't need to point it out on a forum like this and then you go on to do exactly that about your own situation. 👌

Seems very strange to waste your time on threads about childfree people being relieved to be childfree.

It is bizzare to me that you say someone happy with their choices doesn't need to point it out on a forum like this and then you go on to do exactly that about your own situation.👌

Thats not really what that poster was doing. Her post was very measured imo and she mentioned her own situation because this thread was posted and because of how it’s gone. I think she’s saying she wouldn’t just make a post about how relieved she is to have kids, pointing out the negatives of not having children to justify it, but I think you know that already and you’re just trying to cause a problem either someone whose post is very reasonable.

Based on this thread, I think many people without children think having children is full of stress but for me and my friends, it hasn’t been the case at all. We all have good partners and people around us to support us. We have always had time to ourselves, continued with travelling, holidays, nights out etc.

This is what this poster said. She's describing how well it has worked out for her and that this is her experience. Even though she said that you didn't need to point that out if it was really true.

I think that having children, especially younger ones, is stressful for many people. OP is a unicorn if she didn't find it stressful and neither of her friends did, although I wonder if the children are now older and unpleasant memories have faded/been replaced by more recent ones. It happens. I don't know a single parent of young children who don't find it stressful. That's what I see. I know I would find it stressful and that's okay.

The point is they wouldn’t start a thread about it. Joining in with a discussion and doing it very fairly is different to starting a thread about it. The poster has addressed people’s points, which I agree with, she hasn’t just started a thread to talk about how relieved she is to have kids using negatives about not having kids to justify her relief. It’s completely different. Doing that would be a dick move.

eta, I haven’t found parenting stressful on the whole either. I’m quite a relaxed person, really wanted children and have a great partner and support network. I wouldn’t have considered having children without those things in place as I like my life to be as stress free as possible. I think you see the hard bits on a forum like this because those of is that are having an easy time and enjoying it don’t make threads about how great it is as that would seem smug, when other people use this forum for support.

But someone has started a thread and now what? Who are you trying to convince that saying something in an OP is very different from saying the same thing on page 356 of that thread?

By all means do have a discussion about the psychology of starting threads Vs stating the same thing many pages into a thread. I will follow with interest.