Husband said something I neve thought I'd hear.

[SoRainbowRhythms]

please note this is posted in the MNers Without Children section

I've been posting on and off about my situation but in a nutshell my husband left me last week. Maybe midlife crisis / breakdown / affair / just doesn't love me any more, we've gone NC so none the wiser right now.

He's slung some (unfair and untrue) mud my way but one has really hurt me. I've always been very upfront about the fact I don't want children, as well as having reproductive issues that probably prevent it anyway. I've always said I'd be open to adoption / fostering if I ever changed my mind (40 this year and not changed yet).

He told me that he did want children in his previous relationships, and that he's just gone along with it for me and doesn't know if he regrets that now.

I was beyond shocked. He's been very vocally childfree by choice since very early in our relationship, does not enjoy the company of children (I was there the first time he held a baby and it was sheer panic) and had never, ever told me or made me think otherwise.

I'm obviously struggling with all of this but this has really stuck in my throat. Would appreciate any thoughts from other CFBC women, has anyone ever found themselves in such a bizarre situation?

This has made me particularly angry and upset because I feel like it's such a personal thing to throw at me.

If he wants out he can be the bad one.
Is this referring to who should file for divorce? I’d not wait for him to do it. Usually it is the aggrieved party that can’t put up with the shit anymore that files for divorce. Filing for divorce doesn’t make you the ‘bad one.’

It’s not the same situation but I am childfree and have known since I was a child I didn’t want to be a mum. I was friends with someone for 3ish years so he knew I didn’t want children and was vocally childfree, we fell in love, together two years and got married. On the honeymoon he asked when we could start trying for children. Apparently he lied all along about being childfree because he ‘knew’ that when women got married they wanted children. That marriage obviously ended and now I’ve been married a very, very long time to a man who is actually childfree. My ex told everyone I’d told him I’d changed my mind about having children but I was lying and didn’t really want them, they didn’t believe him, his family fell out with him and decades later he’s never settled down or had children. Sometimes people lie at the end of relationships, they think it stops them being the ‘bad one’ and that’s what your ex is doing.

I think so too. And it's such a deeply personal thing.

Prepared is 100% of the battle. You won't be taken by surprise and be unprepared while he's had weeks to plan.

I've had the house valued and have an idea of what I can do, albeit not a full plan. But it's a guide. And I can get 60 minutes free with a solicitor through work when I need it.

Honestly it sounds like a complete crock of shit. Like he wants to find a way of hurting you and/or an excuse for breaking up with you.

Dollars to doughnuts he does not want kids at all. Even if he does, are you really expected to blame yourself for the fact that he has enthusiastically and consistently lied to you about it throughout your relationship?

The lying alone is a major issue here. Either he was lying then, or he's lying now. Slippery and untrustworthy.

Yeah it's massive. And such a shock - he's hidden his true self very, very well.

Get an STI test, in case there's a mistress.

“He told me that he did want children in his previous relationships, and that he's just gone along with it for me and doesn't know if he regrets that now.*

As you’ve been open from the outset about not wanting children, the fact he went along with it is entirely on him.

Not mentioning such an important issue - not very likely! It sounds false probably because it is. Good luck with moving on and away from this idiot OP.

He's trying to blame you for something you can't change. He wants a get out, and he has picked this. Divorce him and be a happy single

This

I knew a couple who vocally didn’t want children. They split up, and then both accused the other of being the one who didn’t want children! It was bizarre but as PPs say, sometimes people are trying to make their ex be the one in the wrong.

But on top of that I wouldn’t be surprised at all if he’s had an affair - since before he said he’s unhappy - and she wants kids, has kids or is pregnant and he’s now planning to go with that. Loads of men don’t want kids until they run off with another woman and suddenly they have a baby.

sorry you’re going through this OP I hope you do get a comforting day in bed with cats if that’s what you need, it’s the best🐱

Loads of men don’t want kids until they run off with another woman and suddenly they have a baby.. Yes I remember a certain actor in a magazine interview being quite vocal about not wanting children - “my wife and I think there’s enough people in the world already” then suddenly his marriage is over,he’s with someone else and they have a child.

Well he's pulled the divorce trigger this morning, so dink life to sink life for me.

You are better off without him 💐

Oh OP, I’m so sorry. Even if it may well be the best thing for you I know it does t feel like it.

For us CFBC women there is something about him saying what he did that is like he’s gone from an ally to a judge…

But you are young. You are not even 40. There are so many, more worthy men out there and however awful this feels you will look back and be relieved.

I promise. 💐

But you are young. You are not even 40. There are so many, more worthy men out there and however awful this feels you will look back and be relieved.

And even if you decide not to have another serious relationship life can still be bloody good out the other side of divorce.

Definitely better off without him. And SINK life has plenty of benefits too. Really sorry, though, it must be horrible right now.

Yeah, it's not great, but the tiny consolation is that it hasn't been sprung on you out of the blue, so you've had a bit of time to prepare.

He's a fucking cunt. He's still going on about how he feels and how he needs to tell me how he feels. I don't want to hear it, he's shown his true colours.

theres another woman OP. Men dont just leave like this. Hes got someone lined up who has kids or wants kids. I dont think theres anything you could have done differently. Hes just, as you say, a fucking cunt, and youre not a bloody mindreader/.

How he feels is neither here nor there, he wants a divorce so now he's trying to justify his choice. If there's not another woman I'll eat my hat

I'm
Sorry OP.

Ya. If he's divorcing you then his feeling are not your problem anymore. Of course listen to it if you think it will help you understand and process what's happening but you concentrate on yourself. I hope you have some good people IRL, and hope you get some support.

If you need something to focus your emotion on then getting your finances sorted or his stuff packed might be a good start. Or a big bar of galaxy and spend the day under a duvet. Or a brisk walk or a swearing/crying session with a best mate. Focus on you and what you need right now.

So sorry OP - but you are right to be angry and see that this is on him. What a bastard.

Also get practical asap - please make sure you check in on and protect your finances and that he can't empty any joint account/s you might have.