Husband said something I neve thought I'd hear.

[SoRainbowRhythms]

please note this is posted in the MNers Without Children section

I've been posting on and off about my situation but in a nutshell my husband left me last week. Maybe midlife crisis / breakdown / affair / just doesn't love me any more, we've gone NC so none the wiser right now.

He's slung some (unfair and untrue) mud my way but one has really hurt me. I've always been very upfront about the fact I don't want children, as well as having reproductive issues that probably prevent it anyway. I've always said I'd be open to adoption / fostering if I ever changed my mind (40 this year and not changed yet).

He told me that he did want children in his previous relationships, and that he's just gone along with it for me and doesn't know if he regrets that now.

I was beyond shocked. He's been very vocally childfree by choice since very early in our relationship, does not enjoy the company of children (I was there the first time he held a baby and it was sheer panic) and had never, ever told me or made me think otherwise.

I'm obviously struggling with all of this but this has really stuck in my throat. Would appreciate any thoughts from other CFBC women, has anyone ever found themselves in such a bizarre situation?

This has made me particularly angry and upset because I feel like it's such a personal thing to throw at me.

@Branleuse @Daleksatemyshed I will eat several hats too. He has not shown one iota of sadness for me (or our cats) during this time. And I'm sure there's some 25 year old fawning over him.

@declutteringmymind he hasn't a huge amount left here but I will spend some time over the next week or so moving it all into the garage and he can collect it from there.

I have a great support network but obviously people have their own lives so I don't want to lean more than I need to.

Ignore, he's your past. Tell him that just because he needs to tell you doesn't mean you need to listen, you don't care and can we concentrate on getting this over as quickly and painlessly as possible, so can we confine any communication to that 'ktxbi.

He's trying to hurt you and get a reaction and make you his emotional support human at the same time. Pathetic creature.

I have nothing 🤣 and our joint account isn't worth much at all. But I will be speaking to a solicitor next week. He has a healthy pension and some savings.

Good, get mad and get even.

I admit I've been on a bit of a WhatsApp tirade this morning (a very eloquent one if I do say myself) and told him basically that. He lost me the day he left and as such has lost the privilege of being able to clear his conscience to me.

I think this has nailed it. It’s a twist on The Script and lm sure there are more revelations to come. If he was that bothered, he would have mentioned he changed his name about having children

You rock! My exH tried this with me too. It was a relief to be free of his problems, he'd sucked the life out of me over the years.

Hi lovely,
The upside of divorce is not having to listen to any more of his opinions! Loads of people rewrite their personal history to make themselves look less of a dick. If he'd really wanted children I absolutely guarantee you would have heard about it before now. He's just throwing shit and hoping some of it sticks.
See your solicitor and get in a nice claim on his pension and any assets. And try not to take anything he says to heart. The history rewrite is really common - no one wants to be the villain in their own story. He's just trying to make this your fault so he doesn't have to feel bad about his behaviour. You are under no obligation to piss on him if he was on fire, so don't give him any attention.

I think he's said it to make himself feel better and justify him leaving, whether it's true or not who knows.

But he's a grown man and 'if' he went along with it for your sake that's HIS decision and not something you have control over.

It's absolutely within this vane of bs. If it wasn't the child free thing it would be something else.

And as pp's have said unfortunately I do think he's trying to make you feel as bad and guilty as possible to make the blow of an ow less like making out you've both done wrong.

Gosh divorce and all it entails truly is awful. Please know that what you are feeling is at least time limited and that in a month and a year from now you will not feel anywhere near as hurt as you do.

It is probably true that there is someone on the horizon with children/without children and maybe he is professing to have them with her.

Even so does that really matter now? Not truly. Squeeze him for what you can and that way if he is living in your head at least he is paying for it.

Well done for telling him that you’re not going to listen to his crap. Block him if you can for now. You’re not his free therapist, nor going to be around if he’s trying to test the waters to return as maybe the grass isn’t greener after all.

I have known someone go through the exact same scenario. Always been open about not wanting kids and then having it thrown at them as a reason for him leaving despite him never mentioning it before or that he’d been unhappy for some time etc. Real reason was an OW of course. He’s just trying to hurt you in any way he can.

please get an STI check. If he is really going to have kids you can have a quiet laugh to yourself and heave a sigh of relief that you won’t be the one up all night changing nappies and having to provide financial support long into your 60s. You’ll be the one out and about having fun.

💯

My heart goes out to you OP but please don't let your happiness depend on someone else. Get out there and live your best life. Do some sport, enjoy some books, book a holiday, go to the theatre, socialise but try not to dwell on things too much hard though it will be at first. Do you know about meetup? It's a social website (not dating) where you meet up with groups of people for social activities like hiking, cinema, eating out. Go out and do some stuff and take your mind off him. The best revenge is living well - you've got this! Meetup—Your people are here

I’m so sorry OP

Reading this with very different eyes a month on!

I have a good solicitor and have joined some really lovely support groups. Still have dark days but not as much.

Heard from him yesterday for the first time since the letter and it was another self indulgent tome. He thinks he's in control but he's not. I will reply about practical things at some point but not about finances / divorce as advised by my solicitor until I receive paperwork which is apparently on the way. I'm still in my house and digging in.

Oh, and I found out that a girl at work is very much in the picture. He's 16 years older than her and her boss. What a sad cliche.

Going to come back here on my bad days and read the amazing advice I've been given x

What a sad knob he is, OP. And such a cliché - the "I'm not happy" and making it all about him, followed by the emergence of much younger woman who just happens to be an employee. Well, I'd see her as welcome to him and a bullet well dodged.

My ex is my ex because he told me he was happy without children then dropped the bombshell that he wasn't. I've been much happier without him!

Oh Gawd, he can't even deviate off the well-worn path of 'younger woman at work,' can he? what a sad, sad cliche of a man.

My bet is he is going to end up a very sad man - and possibly an unemployed one. Not a good idea to date a subordinate, especially one much younger. She may get pregnant and then he can see how much he likes those nights without sleep, the cost of having a child, etc. You are well rid of him and she is going to see what a "catch" he is. Your best days are ahead of you!

Nope. He took a job with a reputation but I thought he wasn't that kind of man. How very wrong I was!

My mum is convinced she's pregnant already and that's why he's rushing the divorce. Nothing would surprise me right now!

Edit - yes, we'll see how much time he has for his hobbies he had to do on his own (poor lamb) with a baby. And at 41 too, sod that.

Hes probably seeing or interested in someone else and slinging mud at you to make himself feel better because of his guilt.

Well that would explain the comments!

Found out today I can revert to my maiden name at work just just my birth certificate so that's taking a bit of power back. We work for the same (massive) organisation and I don't want to be associated with him.

If shit face wants to rush things , use to your advantage, get as much while he still feels even a little bit bad .
you’re got all the best bits of life to come , you will be sitting on a glorious beach with a partner who is on your wavelength… and you won’t even remember the tricky bits that your navigating now . Eye to the future and one foot in front of the other xx ( I’m not child free , mine are long grown up ) but I am sitting at Gatwick , waiting for a flight to sit on that beach with my very much wavelength man and all my tricky bits can’t even summon a glum look ! You will get there 💐