45 and realisation not having kids suddenly hitting me

[Dayatatime208]

I have no idea if this is the right place to post this.

I'm soon to turn 45 and suddenly feeling sad about not having kids. I've been on the fence about kids on and off in the past 15 years, but I think, deep down, probably thought it might happen. I think I just feel said for missing out on that human experience of being pregnant, or just having that child/parent love. I've never forgotten a friend telling me that being pregnant/having children is a 'right of passage' for a woman. I don't agree with that - clearly not true as it's simply not the case for many - but still, I feel a sort of grief.

My partner of the past five years has never wanted children, and is very black/white (aspergers) so can't understand when I say the above. For him, if you've not been sure, then you can't have really ever wanted kids, but it's more grey than than that. He says facts like 'well, you could still adopt' (but not with him as he doesn't want kids so that doesn't help and makes me sadder).

I'm lucky to have several childfree friends, but I still find it hard sometimes with those with kids and seeing their bond - the fact I'll now never be a mother/grandmother.

Add to that a good friend going through IVF on her own to have a baby telling me that 'I still have options' if I want a child. Again, I feel it's missing the point as I wouldn't do solo IVF and don't want to adopt.

I don't know what I'm looking for. Some understanding, I think, and a reminder that these feelings pass. I feel very mid-life (peri too full force now and on HRT) and looking forward, I wonder what joy there is and how to create it. Considering getting a puppy and I do love my independence/freedom so I KNOW there's loads to be thankful for - but still...just a deep down sadness at the moment.

My elder two dd have thankfully learned from my mistakes and have ensured they have a career and have chosen husbands who appear supportive and respect them. Dd2 has a ds and dd1 is expecting her first - even if their dhs actually turn out to be not wonderful in the long term - they are both capable independent women who'll be fine.

My theory is - IF you have doubts, have at least one child. One child is not going to ruin your life, it's completely possible to manage, even if you are not classical "mother material". But you will have that human experience and less possibility of unbearable regret.

I don't even know where to begin with this 'if you have doubts have one' business, but I can assure you that not having children doesn't mean 'unbearable regret' or missing out on a 'human experience.' My mother wasn't classic mother material either - and wow, did we pick up on that as we were growing up. Loud and clear, and for years.

Funny, my theory is, if you have significant doubts, don't have kids. Better to regret that than regret them.

Seriously? It is quite possible for a single child to ruin your life if you realise it was much better before you had them!

A child deserves to be loved and wanted and cherished for itself - not 'I had you because I didn't know if I wanted children but had you because one wouldn't ruin my life.' Great message.

I'm not sure that anyone on this thread is suffering from "unbearable regrets" (and in any case, many posters here have never been in a situation where it was easy to have "just one child").

I think it's more of a midlife questioning thing, with parallels to posters on other boards who had children young and have never had a career, or are wondering whether they would have been happier married to someone else.

'My theory is - IF you have doubts, have at least one child. One child is not going to ruin your life'

This is one of the worst pieces of advice I've read on here, and that's saying something. Where is the child's wellbeing in this great plan? Far far better to manage your own regrets (IF you have them, not everyone does, some of us feel downright grateful that we never had kids) rather than making your poor child's life a misery

I agree with you, the child matters and imagine growing up with a mother who had you "just in case."

The fear of regretting not having children and “missing out” is one that’s conditioned into us from an early age. (How many fairy tales refer to couples who are sad because they can’t have children?) However most childfree by choice people never regret their choice and even most of us who wanted children but couldn’t have them are able to heal from the grief, move on and make a good life without children.

I think it’s really common to feel this way and is more about the “what if” - what could my life have been like if I’d chosen a different path?

I think lots of women who were on the fence about having children and do have them have similar doubts. My mum has spoken about the regret she feels at giving up her career at a young age to raise my sisters and I and often says “I could have been..” as well as all the hours she wasted slaving away in the kitchen not really living her life.

I have a friend who, when I first said I was thinking about TTC, couldn’t emphasise enough how much it restricts your life and takes away all your freedoms. She said she would never give up her DC now but it was the fear of the biological clock and possible regret that drove her to have him. Actually, she was perfectly happy with her life before and questions why she messed with that equilibrium and made her own life one of sacrifice. She made sure to maintain her career but stopped enjoying it due to the exhaustion and feeling she was never enough at work and home. She used to love travelling and regrets not having been able to travel (in the same way) for years. It’s put a strain on her marriage.

I think when you don’t have children it’s easy to think of a child as an addition to the life you have now. The truth is if you’d had children you wouldn’t have the life you have now, including many of the things you love about it. Children affect your mental and physical health, your wealth, your career, your relationship, your freedom to pursue hobbies and the things that bring you joy. It’s relentless, restrictive and tedious. For many people, who know they really want a child, it’s all worth it for the love and joy they bring. For people who are on the fence, as a woman at least, I think many find it isn’t.

It’s natural to feel that sense of regret for a life you haven’t lived but try to focus on the things that make your life joyful and fulfilled that you might not have if you’d have had children. I bet there’s many experiences you’ll be glad you didn’t sacrifice.

'I have a friend who, when I first said I was thinking about TTC, couldn’t emphasise enough how much it restricts your life and takes away all your freedoms.'

I think that was very brave and good advice from your friend. I think anyone who is planning to have children should get a stiff talking to from someone who has been there and got the t shirt. So many people seem to expect parenting to be a sort of blissful fairytale experience, where they feel complete and fulfilled all the time, and the reality is a seriously rude awakening

I had worked with children and parents for many years by the time I was seriously considering TTC so had absolutely no illusions about what would be involved. Ultimately I decided that the sacrifices involved were just not worth it for me. Maybe parenting would have been the greatest thing I ever did. I'll never know, and I'm fine with that. There are so many great things in my life that I just wouldn't have if I was a parent

Yeah brilliant advice that. Poor kid.

What is your motivation for this advice? Ensuring others have as much of a miserable existence as you? Or are you one of those overbearing wannabe Grandmas?

How about if you have doubts it probably means it isn't right for you. Don't risk regretting a child as that affects more people's lives than not having a baby.

Most people don't have unbearable regret about not having a baby if they were happily planning to be Childfree up until their later childbearing years. They generally realise that it was hormones, and fear of permanently closing the door to one future life. They might have some thoughts of what if and some pangs of sadness but not unbearable regret. If they do then counselling and therapy has got to be better than having a baby you might regret.

So many people seem to expect parenting to be a sort of blissful fairytale experience, where they feel complete and fulfilled all the time, and the reality is a seriously rude awakening

I did think that, back in the 90s when I was ttc. Had a seriously rose tinted view. Then again, I’d never heard or read any different. The internet was in its infancy and the conspiracy of silence still in full force. I bought this book and it was a total game changer, should be required reading for anyone who is on the fence. Not everyone will agree with it of course

https://www.amazon.com/Okay-Youre-Brat-Priorities-Parenthood/dp/1580632025

I was wearing the rose tinted glasses when I has dd1 in 1991. As you say there was no Internet and magazines aimed at parents/parents to be were all full of the positives. I was 26 just when I had my eldest and dm told me she thought she'd never be a granny I was so old! Fast forward 30 years though I really wanted to be a granny there was no way I was going to 'force' my dd to have children or make them feel guilty if they chose not to. There is so much sacrifice involved it had to be purely their choice. Currently have one gc and expecting another. I'm pretty sure dd2, with the whole of the Internet at her disposal, did not completely realise what it entailed.

What am I reading? You're not a great feminism if you take the women out of all this. Men want sons to inherent their wealth?? So women don't want children? You don't know any men that happily only have daughters? Men and the state want to control us to exploit our uteruses? Wtaf😂
Again I don't want my uterus to bear children? I do? Many women do (if you look at the stats, thus far, most women do) women and men want children. The fact that I and most women have children is not because we were exploited, but because we (feministically) made that choice??
What the heck? We're not all marionettes impreganated by some 'misogynistic pig'.

"life saving advice“ would you listen to that? Tell that to the woman who are desperately trying ivf to have a baby

I'm sorry your going through this, unfortunately with the increasing narrative promoting childlessness as an aspirational lifestyle choice for 20 and 30 something's, many, many people will find themselves in your situation when they reach their mid 40's.

So best have a baby just in case eh?

'unfortunately with the increasing narrative promoting childlessness as an aspirational lifestyle choice'

I don't know where your theory is coming from about an 'aspirational lifestyle choice', but I think it's a really good thing if more people are being encouraged to think long and hard about whether parenthood is for them. You also seem very certain that many childfree people in their 40s will be overcome with regret. I think that's a narrative that needs changing in itself

Because women who don't want children don't know their own minds? They'll change their mind.

Bollocks

Why is it always the childless who don't know their own mind. Who are being influenced and will change their mind?

Why don't we worry about the women getting pregnant because of the narrative promoting motherhood as the crowning achievement of womanhood? What if they change their minds when they appreciate the damage it does to their body, and their career etc.

What the hell! People comparing regret of not having a 4th child to regret of being childless?! I think those who mention choice being taken out of your hands are right. Be kind and gentle with yourself.

WTF or is it just maybe that some women have decided that they wouldn't or couldn't be good mothers, nothing aspirational about my lifestyle, I'm actually really furious about your shitty demeaning comment.

I completely get it and having gone through ivf to have my two boys, we have been through quite a journey to get there. BUT there are times (many kately) when I look at my child free SIL/BIL and am envious of their lifestyle and how they only have to focus on each others wellbeing. Whilst I wouldn't swap bring a mum it us so hard at times, our 15 year old is horrendous and their our times when I do think about all of this but on the other side. I think there's no right ir wrong but rare dome tome to think about whether your thinking like this because you are missing something in your live etc. My single friend adopted a baby and again whilst she wouldn't change it, its been gard at times x

If your friend spelled it 'right of passage', scrape her off and discount her opinion.

I’m older than you and went through this really difficult phase you describe at about your age. I came through the other side - in hindsight I’d say there’s a big hormonal element. The reasons I don’t have kids are complex. The best way I can describe it is that it was the right path for me, but I regret that I needed to take it.
My breakthrough, at about your age, was deciding to forgive myself and value myself. I decided if I can’t be a mum, I can still be fabulous. I have a great career, friends, hobbies, family and above all an amazing husband. We live in a very pro-natal society and people can be very hurtful to child free or childless women, including, sadly, other women. It’s easy to feel inadequate. And the grief never totally goes. But we are worthy of love and respect in our own right and children are neither a necessary nor sufficient condition of happiness. Love is love is love, you create love, you don’t have to have a child to experience love and other types of love are not inferior to parent-child, just different. You can have a wonderful life full of love with no children, and a very barren life with them. Be kind to yourself.