45 and realisation not having kids suddenly hitting me

[Dayatatime208]

I have no idea if this is the right place to post this.

I'm soon to turn 45 and suddenly feeling sad about not having kids. I've been on the fence about kids on and off in the past 15 years, but I think, deep down, probably thought it might happen. I think I just feel said for missing out on that human experience of being pregnant, or just having that child/parent love. I've never forgotten a friend telling me that being pregnant/having children is a 'right of passage' for a woman. I don't agree with that - clearly not true as it's simply not the case for many - but still, I feel a sort of grief.

My partner of the past five years has never wanted children, and is very black/white (aspergers) so can't understand when I say the above. For him, if you've not been sure, then you can't have really ever wanted kids, but it's more grey than than that. He says facts like 'well, you could still adopt' (but not with him as he doesn't want kids so that doesn't help and makes me sadder).

I'm lucky to have several childfree friends, but I still find it hard sometimes with those with kids and seeing their bond - the fact I'll now never be a mother/grandmother.

Add to that a good friend going through IVF on her own to have a baby telling me that 'I still have options' if I want a child. Again, I feel it's missing the point as I wouldn't do solo IVF and don't want to adopt.

I don't know what I'm looking for. Some understanding, I think, and a reminder that these feelings pass. I feel very mid-life (peri too full force now and on HRT) and looking forward, I wonder what joy there is and how to create it. Considering getting a puppy and I do love my independence/freedom so I KNOW there's loads to be thankful for - but still...just a deep down sadness at the moment.

In regards to the comment about never being a mother or grandmother you could still be really important in a child's/younger person's life, to a neice, nephew or friend's child. There's been previously and still are older adults in my life who I cared greatly for and made a big difference to me.

I also have a friend whose dad remarried in his 70s which means his wife gained two step daughters at a similar age (I'm obviously not wishing a relationship breakdown on you!). There's just so many ways your life could go and you have so much time ahead of you for it to unfold. Enjoy the freedom to make of it whatever you want!

Perfectly put.

'We live in a very pro-natal society and people can be very hurtful to child free or childless women, including, sadly, other women. It’s easy to feel inadequate. And the grief never totally goes. But we are worthy of love and respect in our own right and children are neither a necessary nor sufficient condition of happiness'

Very well said, and a very thoughtful post

Standard. We can't say anything without it being a pile on.

Really? Have you actually read anything op said? Such a tone deaf post

Perhaps you could consider a Sponsor an Orphan abroad. That way your partner isn't involved with children but you are able to help a needy child in those third world countries.

@Mysleepisbroken Well said.

I’m 48 and I certainly have moments of regret about paths not travelled. It’s fine to grieve a little, OP, and then perhaps try to focus on something else. That’s what I do anyway. 💐

Just to add, having a dog means you lose your freedom, spend loads of money and worry about the dog all the time, this isn't like having a kid I'm sure, but kind of gives you a chance to love and nurture one of God's greatest gifts to man xx

I think you need to remind yourself that you are still in control and you are still making the choice not to have children because
a) you could possibly still fall naturally - I don’t know your body but I had last one at 45.
b) You could have IVF - My friend had hers at 47.
c) You could adopt, or foster.
you are choosing not to do b) or c) and have possibly been using contraception to stop a)
Therefore nothing has been taken away, you are in control, because if you really wanted it, you’d be working towards motherhood by now. I think this feeling will soon pass.

Make sure you have a life style that can support having a dog first (many people get them as a replacement child and don’t actually have the time for them). BUT that aside, I have a baby and a dog and I fricking love my dog so much. He brings me so much joy, and genuinely gives me similar happiness to my baby. Obviously I adore my baby but now I have both, that love hasn’t changed at all. I honestly feel like we have an incredible bond, and he doesn’t require as much attention as my baby does so I could still maintain a big part of my former life once we got him. I hope you find peace, it sounds like you’re getting there :)

My approach is: If I don't have kids and regret it, the only person I hurt is me. If I have a child and regret it, I've hurt the child too. I have no right to risk putting a child through that.

I'm writing about millenia-old social structures, not individual choices.

Ah OP I can't really advise because only you know how mich of an issue it is for you. I always knew I wanted children but career and dodgy BFs meant I was single well into my 30s. Which I thoroughly enjoyed, and never really thought too deeply at the time, but I do remember thinking I would have Solo IVF if I had too....

But I ended up meeting DH quite late and found I had an early menopause. So had to have IVF anyway. Got three viable embryos and put two in, got twins, so lucky (aged 44)! 18 months later tried the frozen one on the basis that we really didnt mind either way if it took. When it didn't I was devastated, really upset, and couldn't understand why.

My sister pointed out that I was dosed up with hormones (a bit like being perimenopausal). She was right, once they wore off I was far more rational. My point is, that maybe your upset has suddenly been triggered by menopause hormones?

You are absolutely entitled to feel anything you do, but I wonder if you had really wanted children that much you might have known earlier? But either way, do consider whether hormones are affecting your feelings? I hope you resolve things one way or another.

Unfortuantly I misread the post

I've requested it be removed as it comes across insensitive .

Which it was not meant to .

It was just a insight into having children

As I stated everyone has different views .
About having children .

Spreading your genes with that language

pot calling the kettle black comes to mind .

your comment was purposly hateful .
So maybe take a look at yourself in the future .

I have already apologised
when another comment pointed out the poster is going through the menopause .

Unfortuantly I can not just remove or edit the post .

As far as I was concerned she was asking for advice to have children or not .

Op this realisation has been creeping up on me since my mum died. She was the last of my family and I don't have siblings so now I'm alone apart from my DP and a few friends. I never thought what it would be like to have no family.

I do feel sad that I have no blood relatives, especially now because I'm sat at home with a broken shoulder. I think how nice it would be if I had an adult child to help out, visit me etc (DP doesn't live with me). But at 60, that ship has sailed.

However, there are no guarantees in life: I might have failed to conceive, had a disabled child, been estranged or had a child who lived hundreds of miles away...

I think when we are vulnerable we question our choices and wonder 'what if'. I think everyone thinks about the road not taken. Realistically, I could never have had children because I've always had a phobia of things medical - blood tests, operations, hospitals etc. I realise now I probably had tokophobia though there was no understanding of mental heath issues back then.

I'm not convinced I would have had kids anyway as I've always been independent, introverted and love my freedom (not to mention my sleep 😀). I think all you can do is go with your intuition and recognize that life with kids would be different but not necessarily better.

I have tried to edit and remove I mis-read .

I did another comment apologizing .

I thought it was advice to have children or not
I didn't realise she was going through the menopause .

I can see how it comes across insensitive . That was not the intent .

You need to do what feels right to you. If you want to have kids - do it. There are lots of ways to have children not just ivf. Don’t take your DP’s opinion - he’s the hero of his story, you are the hero of yours. Make yourself happy.

There’s not much point in being in a partnership if you think like this.

It helps if you read the OPs post, it was all there right at the beginning. Even just the name of the board would have helped before you waded in with your big self important man views.

If you can't cope with such complexities or manage to get your post removed then my comments are probably justified.

It's hardly about complexities

I have emailed allready for the comment to be removed .

Prior to having the pleasure of having a conversation with yourself .

Unsure the time scale this takes as I haven't had to do this previously on here .

I don't believe my view is more or less Important than anyone else's view .
So im unsure what being a man has to do with this ?
Which you keep stating 🤷🏻‍♂️

I was only trying to give some advice .

I have looked for advice previously which is why I'm in the group .

As it states men are welcome .

I ended up becoming a mother aged 44. It was not a case of wanting to be child free most of my life and giving in. For me, I just met my husband late in life. I never had those 'time ticking' episodes in my 20s or 30s. I just enjoyed my youth: travelled a lot and worked overseas and had great experiences. I kind of liked the idea of being a mother. I just thought the process was gross as immature as that sounds. I think pregnancy and childbirth are still off-putting to many women. Now I'm on the other side, this is what I've learnt along the way:

• I'm glad and grateful that I left it late AND had a healthy child.
• becoming a mother and being a mother is very different for everyone. While one woman has a horrific pregnancy, another has an easy, unremarkable one (and even then it can happen that the first woman has an easy pregnancy the second time).
• babies and children are, surprise surprise, all very different so don't let one woman's experience put you off. Just because her child had bad colic, reflux, didn't eat and didn't sleep, it doesn't mean yours will (or that her next child will). Having kids also does not guarantee sleepless nights. Again, all kids are different.

As this board proves, not every woman wants kids nor should they want to. Your friend's comment about 'rite of passage' is utter BS nonsense and I'm sure you know it.

It does not hurt at your age, if you are curious, to have your fertility levels checked. I also, personally, wouldn't care so much about your partner having to be the father. In some ways, he is right in that you could adopt.

It is difficult and challenging being a parent so this is why I'm glad I became one later in life. Pregnancy also wrecks havoc on your body and you do have to give up a lot of your freedom and own time and disposable income to raise child.

It is quite amusing now that I'm a parent to think back to how I used to think and see the world so differently when I was child free. Eg the things I didn't have to think of, bother with or concern myself about. As an example, I recently took an empty pram with my child's two favorite toys in the pram strapped into the seat and walked to the nursery with my husband to collect DC. Let's just say we received some WTF looks from women (obviously CF types) and I'm sure I'd have thought the same before. I don't have any sisters or female cousins and friends from school had kids years ago so I wasn't very clued up or interested in all things baby/kids. Now that I'm a mother there are so many things that I now know to ask or talk about to another mother.
Anyway, back to your OP, don't bash yourself up. Whenever I was (or am) worried about anything to do with motherhood whether it's pregnancy or birth, I always told myself that it something billions of women have done before me and I would be okay.
We all have our own lives and lifestyles. Not being a mother doesn't mean anything. We all have our own choices too. People should respect your choice if you choose not to be a mum and having a pet is definitely just as fulfilling.
I wish you the best and hope it works out whichever road you decide to take.

No, it is not. And if you are, indeed, premenopausal, teIIing you to "snap out of it" is as heIpfuI as teIIing someone who is in a wheeIchair and can't get up the steps to "Just stand up and cIimb them."

However, it does strike me that in a much earIier post, you said that so many of your deeper reIationships were with men who had no interest in having chiIdren. WhiIe I do not know you, and am somewhat guessing, I have a feeIing that, deep down, you were choosing men whose feeIings echoed your own deepest feeIiings. That is so often true.

HOWEVER...when the oId "bioIogicaI cIock" starts to tick, we tend to Iose it a IittIe bit. When I hit your age, I started getting emotionaI, and thinking about "one more baby." And I am NOT that maternaI! I did the best that I couId with the two that I had, and they turned out to be wonderfuI, honest, Ioving men, but another one? I'd have Iost my mind. And when I am being painfuIIy honest with myseIf, I admit that if I had never had them, I wouId not have missed being a mother in the Ieast. Having known them, I don't WISH for that, but it is true, nonetheless. I wouId not take a biIIion doIIars for either of my sons, nor wouId I give you a damned dime for another one just Iike either of them.

The hormones wiII settIe down in a bit. It wiII take time. EventuaIIy, you'II have some peace about it aII. And think of this...I am now 70 years oId. Had I given in to my urge, I'd have just gotten that chiId off to uni FIVE YEARS AGO! I'd have been in my 60s when they were obnoxious teens. It's a Iot.

Wishing you peace and some contentment. Give the cats a chin scritch for me.

I have two adult kids who are very busy so I don’t see as often as I would like. But I have never, for a second, wondered if life would have been better without them.
I think you should at least try to have kids as you are having these feelings. If you are successful, fabulous. If not, at least you tried: no regrets.
good luck

God I bet you regret starting this thread now. Why are there so many people telling you to try to have kids when that's clearly not the message in your posts?