45 and realisation not having kids suddenly hitting me

[Dayatatime208]

I have no idea if this is the right place to post this.

I'm soon to turn 45 and suddenly feeling sad about not having kids. I've been on the fence about kids on and off in the past 15 years, but I think, deep down, probably thought it might happen. I think I just feel said for missing out on that human experience of being pregnant, or just having that child/parent love. I've never forgotten a friend telling me that being pregnant/having children is a 'right of passage' for a woman. I don't agree with that - clearly not true as it's simply not the case for many - but still, I feel a sort of grief.

My partner of the past five years has never wanted children, and is very black/white (aspergers) so can't understand when I say the above. For him, if you've not been sure, then you can't have really ever wanted kids, but it's more grey than than that. He says facts like 'well, you could still adopt' (but not with him as he doesn't want kids so that doesn't help and makes me sadder).

I'm lucky to have several childfree friends, but I still find it hard sometimes with those with kids and seeing their bond - the fact I'll now never be a mother/grandmother.

Add to that a good friend going through IVF on her own to have a baby telling me that 'I still have options' if I want a child. Again, I feel it's missing the point as I wouldn't do solo IVF and don't want to adopt.

I don't know what I'm looking for. Some understanding, I think, and a reminder that these feelings pass. I feel very mid-life (peri too full force now and on HRT) and looking forward, I wonder what joy there is and how to create it. Considering getting a puppy and I do love my independence/freedom so I KNOW there's loads to be thankful for - but still...just a deep down sadness at the moment.

God what happened to this thread? Why are posters beating up on childfree women? It started kinda ok.

I'm watching my daughter (single, two young adopted children) who did decide to go it alone and it is pretty tough. She's known for years that she wanted children but never met the right person, so it isn't as if she'd suddenly made a hormone induced decision.
You seem to have known for a while that children were probably not for you, so try not to let your hormones knock you for six. You'll be able to have a childfree life with the man you've chosen.

This is so true. Make the most of the life you have now.

I’m not religious but the lyrics from Feel by Robbie Williams hot me like a brick after a friend died in her sleep…

Not sure I understand
This role I've been given
I sit and talk to God
And he just laughs at my plans
My head speaks a language
I don't understand
I just wanna feel real love
Feel the home that I live in
'Cause I got too much life
Running through my veins
Going to waste

I’m adopted and I’d say the worse thing is adopting a child if you’re not 100% you’re committing to that child.

I didn’t have a successful pregnancy till I was 41 and married to a narcissistic, abusive, violent drunk. I’ll say it’s been a long road but here I am at 48. For 6 and a half years I’ve been a solo parent- moved countries 2x, changed career focus, got a certificate at Harvard… the love I have for my child is boundless. I won’t let myself dwell on what could have been because it will NOT change a thing. I’m responsible for my life. I can’t change or control anyone. I can change what I do. And that’s what I do. The only regret I want to have is that I didn’t make the most of my life. Fuck anyone’s expectations or status quo. You have to decide what risks you’re willing to take to live your fullest life.

Worries about climate change - WTH 🤦‍♂️

I'm 44 and have been feeling awful about everything. My body and how it's changed, my health (I live with chronic pain), how my body can no longer make children, not having more children, the things I haven't done whilst young and able, the person I am to my loved ones. I honestly think it's such a weird phase of life where a lot of what we were told made us good women starts to slip away from us and it leaves us wondering if what we are, and what we've done so far, is enough.
I think the point I'm trying to make is that I think a lot of these pestering thoughts may be due to our age and hormones and what society expects of us.
Saying that, any feelings you have are still totally valid and I think it's fine to mourn the life not lived whilst appreciating the one you do live in any way you can.
I can also empathise with how lonely it can feel having an aspie family. My ex husband and daughter are aspies and it's quite hard to convey my feelings to them when they have a sometimes enviable black and white view on life.

I completely understand.

I’ve just turned 46. Been with my DP for 9.5 years and despite brief discussions of children, he’s always flip flopped about having them and now I’m too old to have any (also in peri).

What feels worse for me, is that I got pregnant at 30 and had a termination as I just didn’t feel ready at the time (and didn’t for years after). So not only do I feel sad that I’m now not going to have any children, but I’ve got to live with the fact I gave up my one and only chance.

It wasn’t until my nephew was born 8 years ago I finally started feeling somewhat broody. But even then the thought of having a child terrified me. Even though I always knew I wanted one. I still felt the same after I hit 40. It felt like such a scary prospect. To be in charge of this little human. Your life completely changes. And it’s why I never pushed the issue with my partner. Nor did I look to leave him to be with someone who was certain about having children, because I myself still didn’t feel 100% ready. I wasn’t sure I was ready for that level of change.

And I was in the same place as you in terms of feeling that sadness of not having a child. And I still am.

Having my nephew has helped as I spend time with him and it fills a little of that void. And I have a hobby that keeps me happy.

I just try to adjust my view/feelings to focus on the positives. I see some of my friends struggling with children. Their lives consumed by their children. And whilst they have lovely children that give them such joy - something I don’t have, I also have things that they don’t have. Like free time, less responsibilities, more money for myself, more flexibility etc.

Can I call bingo on @Thebingo2011’s post? A man barging into a board that’s not really for him to tell the childfree / childless (mainly women, I assume) that we’re wrong.

Did you even read OP’s post???

Telling a woman going through menopause and having HRT, meaning her chances of having children are very slim, that she should definitely have children and she won’t be complete without them, is quite possibly the most insensitive and dickish thing I’ve read on here.

In fact telling ANY woman that she isn’t complete without children is an insensitive, dickish move. Especially coming from a man.

I understand your position OP. I had my DDs at 41 & 42 after having considered solo IVF. I actually met my exH at 39 and he did want to have a family. I have many friends who don’t have children and most days I send them a reason they should be glad they don’t have children … I think I’m up to #5447. There’s a lot we don’t know before we take the plunge and if we did we’d probably never do it! If someone had given me 5447 reasons to stay childless I might have listened 😂 I’d say enjoy your life. Get the puppy - I think they’re probably just as much hard work.

I say this to all my friends and acquaintances that haven't had kids. There is a massive amount of romanticism around childrearing but very little of the reality.

I never wanted kids but got married to someone who did. It was never important to me but I got pregnant aged 29.

It was at a pivotal time in my career, and so I was gutted at first. Then I made the best of it.

My daughters are lovely but have always been very fragile. My husband and I are probably both neurodivergent in retrospect, and we both had relatively traumatic childhoods. My husband has been a reasonable dad, but rubbish at being an equal partner to me and sharing the burden.

I often wonder if we'd have been better off just not having kids. Much as I love my daughters dearly of course, they have had huge mental health issues, including long periods of suicide watch and extreme risk taking behaviour. At times I have thought I should never have had kids.

I don't wish that at the moment, but having and raising them has been the hardest thing I've ever done, and it's not over. At the darkest times I've often thought of running off or death as the only ways out.

If I were you, I'd try to think forward rather than back and look on the positive side. Think of all the parents out there who haven't had a happy ending. Those with severely disabled or genetically compromised kids that didn't survive, or gave died of other causes. Those whose kids have severe and ongoing mental health issues or who join gangs and commit crimes.

Even with none of that, the financial and emotional burden and the loss of freedom as a woman is extreme.

To top that all off, my daughters have grown up meeting kids who are much more privileged than them and feeling short changed or envious.

I'd try to look at the plus points of your position. I hope that's helpful to you for acceptance - it's not meant as a lecture.

I hope this is a joke?

Sorry to hear you are going through a difficult time.

There is biological basis coming up to menopause.

I would start with asking your GP to increase your HRT dose until your symptoms are better controlled, or switch if you are already at the maximum for your current prescription.

For itching antihistamines (Piriton if at night as it is slightly sedative) is really helpful!

I wouldn’t doubt yourself that it was the right and valid choice as you have been ambivalent and your partner a clear no.

There are pluses and minuses to every choice. If you read on here, many have regrets about DC even if they were really wanted.

There could have been serious health complications the relationship you value so highly may not have survived the stress of a child.

A lot of what is trotted out ‘love of a child’ etc is rose tinted.

Give yourself some breathing space. I wouldn’t make any sudden decisions, even the dog!

that's batshit

I truly feel your sadness. I do have a child but wanted more than one and it never happened... it's a deep set grief that is hard to come to terms with and I think when perimenopause kicks in there's a sort of panicky feeling... honestly when I knew I was in perimenopause I felt like I was being told my life's usefulness was done with and it kind of felt/feels like it's the beginning of death for me... which sounds ridiculously overdramatic, but is honestly how I have felt a lot.
But anyway, a couple of things... Much as I love my child, I hated being pregnant... I was sick every day for 7 months... it was horrendously debilitating. So don't buy into all those pictures of glowing women with contented faces... sure some women have that experience but certainly not all. Secondly don't assume you would have been a grandparent if you had had a child... mine is showing zero signs of wanting children... which is increasingly common among Gen Z.
My only advice is for you to find other meaning in your life and enjoy the financial freedom you have. Start projects, take up hobbies, build your community around you. And yes if you do feel like adopting it's really not too late.

I don't even know where to START with this post! 😂

So much to unpack and process... 7 kids with different women, and a grandad at 39............. What in the heck what now??? 😮😝

Gosh that’s a difficult one. It’s not the same I know but I’m 45 and single and have been for ages now and am very sad and grieved that I might never find someone to spend my life with or fall in love. I was in an abusive relationship for years but since that ended a few years ago I’ve been on my own. I guess for you , maybe soul searching what you really want in your heart of hearts or thinking about how you and your partner can make things right for you in your life right now. You know supporting you through this

I have 3 children, my youngest is 4, I feel sad I will never be pregnant, have a baby, experience the toddler phase again. Even though pregnancy was hard, recovering from a c section (twice!) was really hard, sleep deprivation was torture, I felt incredibly overwhelmed and lonely at times….I feel sad I won’t do it again. I don’t want to do it again but I feel sad knowing I won’t get the chance to.

For me it’s having the choice taken away because I’m late 40’s. Change is hard and getting older is even harder.

Im massivly sorry .

I didn't see the part where she is going through the menopause .

Apologises I will remove the post .

My eldest is my step daughter .
She's about to turn 21 .

Her dad has never been in her life so Ive raised her since 4 .

As yes 39 is old to be a grandad .
Thank you for the input .

@Dayatatime208 I hope you are ok, this thread has taken an absolute batshit turn, and I'm. sorry you are having to read some of these absolutely insensitive responses.

I think if you really wanted children you wouldn’t have chosen a partner who so definitely doesn’t, especially at 40, which is getting late for a first baby anyway (in terms of ease of getting pregnant). I also think you would have made it happen before 45 by pursuing other options, like sperm donors or IVF. Maybe it’s part of something bigger?

Husbands are harder than children.

Sorry but all joking aside, your doubts were there for a reason. Be gentle on yourself. This too shall pass x

I went through similar OP so my heart goes out to you it really does. I think u may need to talk it out and go through a grieving process also the hormones and mid life panic are muddled in but here’s the thing you can come out of this eventually reevaluating your life for the better. Basically you draw a line of that precious space of fertility and notions of motherhood and building that into your future you can know at last for certain that your decisions are free of the burden hanging over you the big what if. You can take chances in your career , you can know that you can be self based as in your duty is to your life and making it the life you really want to lead. No children’s uni cost or worrying about passing on an estate or what the security of their futures are . I went through a considerable period of grieving to get to this point because I was drawing a very distinct line after having very much wanted children since 16 but I now accept it wasn’t in my fate that actually maybe it wouldn’t have been the right path for me because I would have sacrificed huge chunks of myself to my child children I would have put myself at the bottom of the list . I already look after an ageing parent as much as I can. I would have been juggling both. I rescued a baby animal recently and I think it helped me heal.I also looked after dogs and found female dogs they look up at you in a certain maternal way that I hadn’t noticed with male dogs .She also would not have pups the decision really was out of her hands but here she was looking through her long lashes to catch my eye to check in with me there is something quite special when an animal does this . So I hope you have the company of a female dog there is a beautiful female telepathy. So maybe look after a dog first and allow yourself to mourn heal and you will come out of hibernation those delicate feelings more certain of yourself and at peace with ideas that plagued you previously . I promise you this lean in to your desires that will nuture because you deserve that kindness