45 and realisation not having kids suddenly hitting me

[Dayatatime208]

I have no idea if this is the right place to post this.

I'm soon to turn 45 and suddenly feeling sad about not having kids. I've been on the fence about kids on and off in the past 15 years, but I think, deep down, probably thought it might happen. I think I just feel said for missing out on that human experience of being pregnant, or just having that child/parent love. I've never forgotten a friend telling me that being pregnant/having children is a 'right of passage' for a woman. I don't agree with that - clearly not true as it's simply not the case for many - but still, I feel a sort of grief.

My partner of the past five years has never wanted children, and is very black/white (aspergers) so can't understand when I say the above. For him, if you've not been sure, then you can't have really ever wanted kids, but it's more grey than than that. He says facts like 'well, you could still adopt' (but not with him as he doesn't want kids so that doesn't help and makes me sadder).

I'm lucky to have several childfree friends, but I still find it hard sometimes with those with kids and seeing their bond - the fact I'll now never be a mother/grandmother.

Add to that a good friend going through IVF on her own to have a baby telling me that 'I still have options' if I want a child. Again, I feel it's missing the point as I wouldn't do solo IVF and don't want to adopt.

I don't know what I'm looking for. Some understanding, I think, and a reminder that these feelings pass. I feel very mid-life (peri too full force now and on HRT) and looking forward, I wonder what joy there is and how to create it. Considering getting a puppy and I do love my independence/freedom so I KNOW there's loads to be thankful for - but still...just a deep down sadness at the moment.

I have children. However, turning 40 sent me into a complete tailspin of regrets and fears. I'm now 50 and HRT has been great in terms of hot flushes etc - but it hasn't changed the fact that there are many, many things about my life that I regret. They are mostly regrets about things I have never done, and now probably never will do. I married in my early 20s, had children, gave up my fabulous career, and became a SAHM. I don't regret any of those things for a single second - but at the same time, I regret that I never travelled, I never got drunk and went to parties, I never had sex with anyone other than my ex husband, I never lived as a young person, I never progressed my career which got off to such a flying start. When I see what my children are doing now - at the age when I was living with their father - it brings it home to me that I did nothing at all other than work for a bit and then have children. I never had a dog (which I longed for) because my children's father hated them. I never travelled, because I had small children, and then was too swamped and exhausted by being a SAHM once they went to school. I never went out for meals (other than with the children) or on holiday (other than bucket and spade trips with the children). I regret having married a man who turned out to be abusive in the worst possible way, meaning that I in turn regret my children not growing up in the kind of nuclear family I grew up in. I regret living 250 miles from my own parents, whom I love dearly and who are now ageing. I regret the fact that I'm now 50, and in another 20 years' time, I will be old. I used to be very pretty and now look 50. All I can see in the future is looking even older and feeling even more exhausted than I do now.

Apologies for the blether - I suppose what I mean is that you can not regret and regret things at the same time, and there's no 'right' answer to any of this.

I would never suggest a dog as a simple substitute for a child, even though my own dog helps me so much with not having had a second child, which I would have liked. Dh didn't want another and I didn't feel right to break up the family for a possibility of having more. But I relate to what the op says about things not being black and white. Even if you feel you made the right choice, it doesn't mean you can't also be sad things didn't work out differently.

Nurturing a dog feels worthwhile and that you are giving a good life to a deserving little creature and of course they give a lot back. At the same time there's a lot more to having a child, that will hopefully grow up to be an adult human.

I think what we want from having children is different for everyone but for me it's about doing my small part towards shaping the next generation, trying to make a difference to the future both for the good of others and the environment, and also building a little loving community around myself which I can support and which I can look to for support when I need it myself. So I think those goals could certainly be worked on in other ways if I didn't have a child -or even though I do I would still want to do more towards them.

There's more of a clear path if you have children but I think if you don't but you want to achieve something you have to be more intentional about it and that can be very meaningful to people.

I was in exactly your position. I never had that raging Must Have Babies urge that many women have but I always thought I would probably have children simply because that’s what people do. But I didn’t meet anyone remotely approaching husband/ father material until my early 30s. And by then I was pretty happy with my life and could only see how children would disrupt that. And yet when I was in my 40s and I realised children were no longer an option, I did have a wobble and wonder if I’d made the wrong decision and was missing out on some magical experience.
Now that the choice is no longer yours to make it’s only natural to be doubting yourself. You wouldn’t be human otherwise.
But relax.
Roll on 10 years and I am SO GLAD not to have children. Every time I go to the gym on the weekend and see the hordes of screaming kids heading to Soft Play or to the pool with their exhausted/ bored parents I thank my lucky stars to be child free and able to spend my time doing whatever I want. Every time I hear the little girls next door shrieking in back garden because mum has filled up the paddling pool for them I’m grateful that isn’t my reality.
Get a dog. Get 3 dogs. Or get a cat which will stay baby-sized and want to cuddle you for its entire life. Life without kids or grand kids is as rewarding as you choose to make it. Promise.

I was in your position, OP. I got a dog. It worked for me. I love my dog, the company, the walks, the responsibility for another creature.

It’s normal to feel like the grass is greener elsewhere. I’ve got two kids and don’t regret having them but life would of been far easier and we would be soooooo wealthy without them plus the freedom too!
Mind you I might never of pushed my career if it wasn’t for my kids as I wanted to set an example and inspire them one day.
Also, I’ve never had a yearning for kids. My husband always wanted to have kids. I actually just went along with it and had fertility issues but it happened eventually. Some ppl never get that maternal instinct and even now with two kids I struggle as I miss my old life but I do adore my kids too even if I feel like life is so incredibly tiring and exhausting most days and without kids I would have far more time to rest and not feel so rushed and stressed all the time.

To those jumping down the throats of the posters suggesting getting a dog.. the OP speculates about getting a dog in her opening post 😆 🙄

OP, I have two dogs, they are my babies, especially my little girl dog. She needs so much love and wants to be cuddled all the time. She needs me as much as my actual baby son! Yes, it’s not the same but dogs can be so very loving. I love my dogs so much it hurts.

You could still have a child. I know many women having children in their forties. Kids are much better/ easier than husbands!

Not having kids is a huge decision- especially for our species. I think it's a totally good decision for those who know, in their bones, they don't want a family but I don't think you fall into this category.

I had a lovely marriage (am widowed now) we never had children and decided jointly not to look at IVF. At the time it was even harder than it is now and less successful. I have had a lovely fulfilled life but still when "no children yet" turned into "no children ever" I did have a couple of wobbley months.

Would you really want to bring children into the world? We're clearly heading for a major crash. Climate change, combined with overpopulation (not to mention AI and nuclear weapons), is going to upend everything. In 1900, there were a billion humans. Today it's eight billion. That's a staggering, unbelievable increase. Nothing like it has ever happened before. When climate change really gets going, that huge population will migrate, destabilizing countries and sparking revolutions and wars. I pity any child born today.

I’m having a bit of this as I hit 40. I know I’ve made the right decision (DV upbringing where I haven’t resolved the issues left upon me, inheritable disease).

I was a bit scared when I recently had a wave of wondering but I think it’s normal, it’s a big decision both ways and I think if you accept the emotions that might come up sometimes that helps.

Hope you are doing okay op.

I hear you OP. That ache and wanting that "anchoring" that having your own children would give you.

I've no answers and it brings me a lot of heartache, especially given that my exH went off with a younger woman. I'm in my own now and the future can feel very scary.

But when I dispassionately weigh up all the pros and cons of me having had kids, there are more cons. And I wouldn't want to inflict the modern world on any child of mine

And I've never felt the desire for a puppy or a dog!

It is great if you can find the right people. We just couldn't leave her in kennels after an experience we weren't happy with and I thought that was it, never being able to go anywhere again.

I feel the exact same about a second child. Can only be a biological impulse which we can’t really control (as uncomfortable as that makes me feel). A kind of FOMO.

Well in all honesty if I had my time around again I would not have had any children. I would have been just as happy and quite a bit better off financially. There is no guarantee that they will turn out well or want to spend time with you when they grow up.

I never wanted children but still got a few wistful thoughts when I was your age. But at 61 those thoughts are long gone. It's best to acknowledge them then move on. I think your friend is insensitive saying pregnancy is a rite of passage - that's not true for an increasing proportion of women.

I wish people would stop telling the OP she could still have a child. They are missing the point of the thread. She has made it clear that she does not want to do IVF on her own or adopt.

Historically people have had kids in all kinds of situations including warzones, Famines and plagues.

Many many people - the majority are still having kids now.

It’s not surprising at all wanting kids in this day and age despite the very real difficulties that loom.

Yeah this. ^ And she should DEFINITELY not have one at 45!

:I wish people would stop telling the OP she could still have a child. They are missing the point of the thread'

Some people can't help themselves it seems. It's like they can't imagine any outcome other than BABY

Agree with the sentiment but not sure why her age makes a difference? I know two sets of parents who had their children at 45. Not what they were hoping for/expected, but not some kind of disaster!

This confirms that biology trumps feminism every time. I sometimes wish we would have equal amounts of these talks to young women than the whole 'chase your career, kids hold you back' garbage.

Women are oppressed because of our biology: men and the State seek to control our lives in order to reliably exploit our uteruses to create children. Men want sons to inherit their wealth; the State wants replacement citizens. Abortion restrictions, domestic violence, and femicide are manifestations of this control over us. Feminism seeks to liberate women from this oppression.

Liberating women requires that we alone decide whether to conceive and birth children, which requires accepting that children are not compulsory. It is also highly advisable for a would-be mother to have her own income in case her husband turns violent, which often first manifests during pregnancy. For most women, income means working at a job. To twist that life-saving advice into "chase your career, kids hold you back" is to grossly misrepresent it.