"Die Alone."

[CleverLilViper]

This seems to be a favourite "bingo" that parents like to fling at the child-free among us.

It's one of the more curious comments I've heard. Sometimes it's referenced as "Good luck dying alone in the nursing home," "You'll regret not having kids when you're dying alone," etc.

It's curious because it's rather cruel and spiteful. You can almost hear them wishing for it, gleefully, but also curious because it makes me think they're delusional.

I've always responded by reminding them that most of the beds taken up in nursing homes are filled by parents. Many of whom receive few to no visits at all from their adult DC.

Death is also a journey we all undertake alone, in one form or another. It doesn't scare me all that much (perhaps I'm not yet at an age where it's a constant factor) and I wouldn't want to be surrounded by grieving adult DC and potential DGC during that time anyway. No one is guaranteed to die surrounded by loved ones and for many, kids or no kids, this isn't what transpires.

So what is the real point they're driving at? Are they trying to convince and comfort themselves that they made the right choice in becoming parents? When I receive or hear these comments said to other people, I often want to ask if they had their DC to be their retirement plan because so often, they list no other "benefit" of having children other than "Well, I won't be lonely when I'm old."

It also raises the issue, at least for me, about regret and how meaningful that is as a driving force behind our decisions. If I make it to old age, and finally enter a nursing home, needing round the clock care, but I've enjoyed my life up to that point. I've lived it on my terms and done what I wanted my way, why would I, in my winter years, look back on that and think, "Gee, you know what I should have done? Had kids because then I may not be sat in this nursing home right now."

It seems odd to me to base a massive life decision that will change my life forever-better or worse-on the fear of regretting not doing it for a few months or maybe short years at the end of my life. Like, I get where they're trying to come from-but it's just odd. If I'm only potentially going to feel regret when I'm way old anyway and going to be happy the rest of it-why does that short time of regret matter?

I'd say there are plenty of children who will not be too bothered about their parents dying alone in a nursing home or elsewhere either.

There are absolutely no guarantees that having children will mean they will be there for you forever.

Exactly!

A woman I know had a lot of children, she was very ill and had weeks left to live. She told me she wanted to die alone because she didn't want to have only some of her children there when she died. One of her children left to go to work, another child was on there way and in the time between them she died and she got her wish that she was alone rather than with any of her children. Dying alone isn't necessarily a bad thing. It happens to lots of people no matter who they have in their lives. I knew another woman who had no children and she died at home in her favourite chair with lots of people there. Dying alone won't necessarily happen no matter who you have in your life. It's something you can't control, a man I know died alone in a care home despite having 10 children, how many children should I have to ensure one is always with me incase that's the moment I die?! I'll die when I die, whoever is there is there, whoever isn't, isn't. I just hope what happens next isn't horrible.

I think it's often said because people want to feel that there's a great, ultimate reward for all the effort, cost, sleeplessness and worry of raising children.

DM had three children. She still died alone, in her sleep, between the visits of the night staff checking on her.

If I'm only potentially going to feel regret when I'm way old anyway and going to be happy the rest of it-why does that short time of regret matter?

Put it this way. If I get to my late 80s or whatever, having made the decision when I was 15 NOT to have children and factored in all the reasons why that isn't a good idea for me (plus all the putative downsides like dying alone), why would I suddenly then change my mind at the last minute, given that there's not anything I can do about it?

It's curious because it's rather cruel and spiteful. You can almost hear them wishing for it, gleefully

People who say that want us to regret our decision. They want us to be sorry and they want us to be terrified of this 'dying alone,' when the fact is no-one has any idea of how and when they're going to die anyway. What they're actually doing is telling us what they fear for themselves - that deep down secret fear that their children won't be there when they're dying. And that by wishing it on us some of them are not actually very pleasant people.

It's just one more way for parents to try to be superior to those of us without children. See also "You've never experienced love until you have children" and "childfree people are selfish".

There's a thread going about badly-behaved children. One poster has managed to blame the childfree for the rise in children's egregious behaviour.

I have three relatives who had no children. All three were tremendously lonely in the last few years. We did our best to support but it wasn’t the same support we are able to give to our parents (and grandparents) who were and will be supported by and surrounded by people who love them in their twilight years. Child free is not a choice I would make but each to their own.

There’s a very odd unpleasantness to this board today.

May I ask why you are here? on the child-free board, doing exactly the same thing I've complained about in my OP?

A lot of people seem to choose to die alone. We were round my grandmother’s bedside day and night - 4 kids and 6 adult grandkids and she chose the two minutes by herself in days to pass away. I don’t think our story is unique either.
This isn’t really my forum as I have 3 kids but it seems like a very unkind thing to say to someone.

I was told all these comments up until I had my son at 32! Now I get the "only child" comments which are very similar....

You just can't win

What a stupid reason to have children. You could get hit by a bus and die completely alone or surrounded by strangers regardless of how many children you have. Ditto people who have children because they want them to care for them in their old age, it’s selfish to put that expectation on your children. I’ve been a carer to both my parents separately for over 15 years now and I have told both my DC’s that I don’t have the same expectation for them.
Making the decision to live your life child free is to do with your whole life not the last few seconds.

Well, it's been OK up to now. What changed today, I wonder?

Child free is not a choice I would make but each to their own

This board is for women who have made that decision or had it forced on them, so we can discuss what we like how we like.

This is getting a bit like the royal board - people plopping on and being goady to get threads shut down.

Lots of threads about how shit the school holidays are and lots of threads being horrible to/about childfree people 🤔 😏

The threads come up in active, so I guess people come in without realising.

I have children. I'd never expect them to care for me in my old age (though if I am honest, I would like them to visit me) but I am horrified that anyone would actually say those spiteful comments in the OP. (I am horrified but not disbelieving).

100%, I think dying alone is a blessing rather than having to deal with the tears or dramas of those around us! I'm looking forward to a peaceful death.

lots of threads being horrible to/about childfree people 🤔 😏

Makes a change from the old and pensioners getting it in the neck, I spose. Altho that's me as well. 😅

I don't think 'dying alone' is the ultimate horror some people like to think it is.

If you die peacefully in your sleep or very suddenly, you won't be aware of whether you're alone or not.

If you are unfortunate and have a slow, painful death, it's going to be horrible whether you are alone or not.

If I am able to, I shall make sure mine is quick when the time is right.

Oh no, are you old? Well, I hope you've had the good grace to give up your home, job and money to younger (more deserving) people!

Oh, I've never had any comments like this, ever. I am happily child free by choice and no one ever says such awful things to me, maybe because I choose to surround myself with like minded people?

We all die alone. You are born alone, you die alone. In the most fundamental way. Even if you are surrounded by loved ones, the dying is done by you alone.There are many anecdotal stories about people waiting til they are alone before choosing to pass. Dying is not a spectator sport, normally.

Oh no, are you old?

An extremely good question, @Spacemissions . I was told I was on a thread - I forget about what but it was so full of egregious stupidity that I left. Apparently I'm not even elderly at 69, but old. And probably dribbling and smelling of wee, as well, not to mention showing signs of dementia when I can't find my sunglasses.

I really hope I can hold on until some of those posters are in their sixties and getting mortally offended at being called old.

Well, I hope you've had the good grace to give up your home, job and money to younger (more deserving) people!

Worse - I'm actually going back to work later this year to get some more money into my pension before finally retiring. I don't feel quite old enought for that yet.

Comments like 'you'll die alone' aren't only callous, they're arrogant too as there's no guarantee that kids will have a relationship with their parents.

I'm certainly hoping to die alone, I can't think of anything worse than having a bunch of people gawping at me while I'm dying 😕

Yes. This is my observation, too.

I'm childfree and I confess that sometimes it does scare me a bit that either myself or my DH will be alone in our old age - depending on who dies first.

I don't worry about dying alone but I do worry about not having someone to advocate for me if I became seriously ill or developed dementia etc. I would likely be in a care home or have paid carers but just a scroll through the Elderly board here shows how sometimes the care they are being paid to provide is lacking.

I was in hospital not long ago and an elderly lady in the bed next to me had no one to visit her - my DH took her juice and snacks etc, the sort of thing that makes life in hospital a bit more bearable. I wonder if, in the future that elderly person could be me or DH.

On the other hand I am also quite aware of planning for my dotage because I won't have someone to fall back on.

Agree.

I also think some people have children not to alone when they're old.

It's bizarre to me as I know of several in real life whose adult children are NC.