Childfree only child

[Strawberriesandpears]

Hello folks,

I was wondering if anyone here is an only child and / or if they know of any older people who have gone through life as a childfree only child and been ok?

This is the situation I find myself in (I'm 36 and I think very unlikely to have children) and recently it has hit me like a ton of bricks.

I'm not overly concerned about old age in terms of care (I have a very good financial buffer and obviously you can't rely on children to provide it anyway) but how on earth do you deal with the lack of connection without family (I do hope to have my partner for a long time though). Can you really make a 'family' of your own through community connections (volunteering etc) as some seem to suggest?

I'm feeling really sad about the rest of my life at the moment. There is some good (a lovely partner and financial security) but society seems so geared towards families, that I'm feeling increasingly scared and like I don't belong.

Thank you for reading.

I am a childfree only child and my only relative apart from my husband is an Uncle in his 90s. I lost my Mum last year and realised as I sorted out her funeral and home etc that it is a bit tough being an only one.

Have you seen your GP, it seems such a shame to spoil today's happiness for a future unhappiness which might never happen.

@FiveShelties Thank you. Sorry to hear about your Mum. I dread losing my parents - one of them is quite ill currently.

I have seen my GP. She prescribed medication but it doesn't take away my fear.

Do you not struggle with a sense of loneliness / being alone in the world? Sorry, I don't mean to project my fears on to you. I was just wondering if it is something you have had to deal with and how you have managed it.

@Strawberriesandpears thank you for your kind words.

I have had moments when I have thought about a future without my husband and no family, but I am very much a 'plan for tomorrow but live for today' person.

A future alone does seem a little scary, but I don't want to waste time worrying about that - it just may not happen as, of course, I may die first. It definitely made me think when I lost my Mum, but she (and my Dad) used to worry about all sorts of things which never happened, and I swore I would never be like that.

Could you go back to your GP and tell them that the medication is not helping? I feel for you, it is difficult especially when you are surrounded with people who have children, siblings etc. 💐for you.

OP - I suggest you see your GP and tell her the meds aren't working. Depending on how long you've been taking them, she'll either keep you on them or change them, but I think you really really need to have some therapy help with these feelings. You're in your 30s and I'm sorry to be brutal, but you're spending your life being fearful of what might happen 30/40 years down the line. You sound like you need certainty about what's going to happen and no-one can you give that. You can only get help to deal with the fact that life IS uncertain and we're not promised anything, whoever we are and whoever's around us and loves and cares for us.

It definitely made me think when I lost my Mum, but she (and my Dad) used to worry about all sorts of things which never happened, and I swore I would never be like that

What's the saying about 99% of the things you worried about never happened? I used to be like that and it's hard to get out of but it can be done.

@MrsDanversGlidesAgain You are absolutely right - my Mum and Dad were so alike and worried and worried about all sorts of things which it would never have occurred to me. It was such a shame, there was so much they did not do just in case somethings went wrong. I use to joke with them that Justin Case was a flipping nuisance!

I'm surprised by this - the point of therapy wouldn't be to provide solutions to your worries, but to try to reduce the level of anxiety around them and help you to see that, if these terrible things did come true, you would manage and you would survive.

I'm not an only child but my siblings and I aren't close (physically or emotionally) and I'm NC with both parents. I thought I wouldn't survive cutting them off, but I did. It's hard, of course, but easier than having them in my life, that's for sure.

The way I look at it is that generically, we never know what we can survive and manage and get through until we have to. There's no point borrowing trouble from the future, because it hasn't happened yet and if it were to happen then you would - I promise - cope. Found family is a real thing and it's wonderful but it's also good to build up some personal resilience, too.

I'd strongly suggest a visit to GP and to look again at counsellors as they should really be better than that!

Yeah, that counsellor sounds shit - rather like the Samaritans volunteer who chirpily told me when I rang them in floods of tears over my husband walking out to be with his OW that 'perhaps him leaving means you weren't meant to be together.' 🙄Not all therapists are helpful.

Thank you everyone. Taking on board everything you are saying.

I think I have just built up in my mind the horror of that point when I (may) find myself entirely alone and now it is something I just can't move past. I just can't imagine myself coping.

It doesn't help that my mother has been ill recently and has been saying things like 'I don't know how I would cope without you' (as in me and my Dad). And I had to visit her in hospital and see old people surrounded by their families and accept that when I am old and dying I will be completely on my own. I just wish it was all over already and I didn't have to face this.

Oh that's terrible too! I am sorry you had to go through that @MrsDanversGlidesAgain

You know, the lovely, supportive people on this board do give me one real hope - that the kindness of strangers is a really valuable thing. I don't know if this sounds 'fluffy', but sometimes I wonder if I should make the purpose of my life to spread kindness and then maybe it will also come back to me?

That sounds like an idea OP - I think it is better to give than receive. I walk my dog twice a day and smile/say hello at everyone I see - they probably think I am the mad smiley lady.

OP - and I'm sorry for the shouting here - YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT WILL HAPPEN WHEN YOU ARE OLD AND DYING. YOU HAVE NO IDEA THAT YOU WILL END UP OLD AND ALONE - BECAUSE YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT WILL HAPPEN THIS WEEK, LET ALONE IN FORTY YEARS TIME.

Did you buy the CBT for Dummies I recommended? look up catastrophising and all or nothing thinking. Because that's what you're doing. And the fact that you're stuck and can't move through it means you need help to do so.

@MrsDanversGlidesAgain Thank you and I do absolutely deserve to be shouted at, I know!

Off to Amazon to look for the book!

That's nice @FiveShelties I try to smile at people too when I am out walking.

omg don't get me started on the Samaritans. I called them when I was actively suicidal and the advisor told me to go and have a bath.

I'm sure they're useful for some but I'll never call them again!

@Strawberriesandpears I'm really sorry to hear about how you have been feeling. I've read a few of your posts and just wanted to offer my perspective. I'm not an only child but may aswell be. I have one sister who has strongly disliked me all my life and we don't have any relationship. I'm also not financially well off and lost most people I loved pretty much before I was even 40.

Despite all of that though I don't think too far ahead in life because I know it won't do my mental health any good and will just make the day I'm in full of anxiety and sadness and I don't deserve that, neither do you.

Ultimately none of us here can keep offering words of comfort and consolation time after time because its difficult to know what to say. It seems like you have got into a cycle of catastrophising and can't see a way out. The professional people that you spoke to also didn't sound like they were much help. The role of therapy isn't to take away the anxiety , but to find ways to deal with it that will make a difference. The longer the problem is left to fester, the worse it will get and I say that as someone who is a reformed chronic worrier. There isn't really much benefit in any of us offering our advice and opinion only for you to post something similar again a few moths later and I don't say that being unkind, im saying it out of a place of concern.

Could you perhaps go back to your gp and even show her your post here and say that the medication isn't helping you?

@MrsDanversGlidesAgain point is a fair one (don't know what is going to happen tomorrow) but the upside in this context is a downside - as in any of us might die before 'being old and lonely' is upon us.

I don't have much to offer @Strawberriesandpears other than I was fine until my mother died, living a full busy life and never having any of these concerns because life was great - and then all the stuff you post about in your OP came rushing in like an avalanche.

I have no partner and am not likely to ever have one so it seems all the worse for me.

the answer I think is to focus on gratitude for what you have -health if you do, roof over your head and so on.

I wish I was better at it and living in the moment. I'm very much a worrier and catastrophiser.

@Strawberriesandpears I'm sorry you're still struggling with your anxiety around this.

It sounds like the main focus for you is being an only child. I don't know if this is in any way helpful, but I think it's worth bearing in mind that even people with siblings really can't rely on them being around when they are elderly. Thinking about my grandparents, by the time they were elderly and needing support, their siblings were in exactly the same position and certainly weren't around to help support them.

Not sure if this is just my family/in-laws, but I think sadly there's quite a lot of elderly people who end up quite isolated whether they have family or not, because they lose mobility, get dementia etc. Sure - younger family members can help, but when I think of the elderly relatives I know/knew, none of them had a particularly happy time in their later years (sorry if that's a bit bleak).

Thank you for the latest replies. You are all very kind.

Yet again, I am struggling. I think what I fear the most is being alone and having nobody to turn to. I just don't feel safe in life because I an not from a family. I know that I just can't cope on my own and that when my parents die I will be hit by an overwhelming grief which I am not sure I will survive. My future feels extremely bleak, lonely and anxiety ridden.

I know that I just can't cope on my own and that when my parents die I will be hit by an overwhelming grief which I am not sure I will survive. My future feels extremely bleak, lonely and anxiety ridden.

I felt like that @Strawberriesandpears but I am still here even though my mum died. It is bleak and horrible grieving a parent but unfortunately unless you are going to take your own life, you have to get through it. Time ticks by and it becomes less raw.

Life is different though without her and worse and I can't pretend it isn't. but you do survive.

Remember though you have the support of a partner. I'm still here and I didn't have that or even any real support of friends either.

@SPQRSPQR Thank you. You are so strong to have survived that and I take inspiration from you.

The longer the problem is left to fester, the worse it will get and I say that as someone who is a reformed chronic worrier

Also reformed chronic worrier here and I agree 100% with your post.

I think ultimately what I need is a 'family' of friends - particularly other people who are in a similar position. People who could be there for one another. I think that would make a big difference. I know that wouldn't solve my old age worries, but it would at least make life up until that point bearable.

Hi OP, I notice you have another thread going. Honestly, we can't give you the assurances you want, because there ARE no assurances; and we can't give you the help you clearly need to deal with this, because all we can do is say what we've already said.

Please speak to your GP about the medication and see what they say. And ask about what counselling/therapy there is. Because I have to say what you are doing is called ruminating - going around and around and making yourself feel worse but not actually helping you with your problem.

Sorry, this sounds hard, but starting thread after thread in the hope that someone has the magic words or the magic solution isn't going to work.