Childfree only child

[Strawberriesandpears]

Hello folks,

I was wondering if anyone here is an only child and / or if they know of any older people who have gone through life as a childfree only child and been ok?

This is the situation I find myself in (I'm 36 and I think very unlikely to have children) and recently it has hit me like a ton of bricks.

I'm not overly concerned about old age in terms of care (I have a very good financial buffer and obviously you can't rely on children to provide it anyway) but how on earth do you deal with the lack of connection without family (I do hope to have my partner for a long time though). Can you really make a 'family' of your own through community connections (volunteering etc) as some seem to suggest?

I'm feeling really sad about the rest of my life at the moment. There is some good (a lovely partner and financial security) but society seems so geared towards families, that I'm feeling increasingly scared and like I don't belong.

Thank you for reading.

I know @MrsDanversGlidesAgain and I am sorry. I started that other thread as I was looking for more practical help.

I have been ill with worry over this for nearly 18 months now, so I think that's why I keep trying to look for words of comfort - because some of them have brought at least temporary relief. But you are quite right that it is not the long term solution.

I can totally understand your worry but sometimes I feel worry without taking any action doesn't help. I can also understand it can be frustrating for some people to try to offer solutions on here and just feel those solutions aren't being taken on board time after time. I do hope things improve for you.

@Strawberriesandpears so sorry to hear that the worries aren't getting any better. Like others, I'd recommend going back to your GP, and also exploring more about CBT. Can you break down into smaller 'chunks' what it is that's terrifying you about this unknown future which may or may not happen, perhaps with a therapist? My employer offers workplace counselling - is that an option for you via your work?

We none of us know what lies ahead. I went to a friend's funeral last week - he died very suddenly at 51. The future he and his family expected to have didn't materialise. I'm not saying that to scare you even more, but just to say that every day you spend worrying about what might happen in the future is a day you haven't spent living in the present. And a support network isn't always family. Look how many people have responded to you on here, for example. I've made several friends via another online messageboard whom I've met in real life. If you don't believe in religion, I'm not sure a more formal church would help, but what about the Quakers? Or try volunteering? You'll find your tribe IMO, but you do sometimes have to try a few things before you click with other people.

But in the nicest possible way, you won't find that tribe/network if you're spending all your time worrying about some mythical future nightmare. I do hope you can find a way through this, my lovely. Big hugs.

@CaptainBatEars Thank you. I am very sorry to hear about your friend. You are quite right in that none of us knows what lies ahead (good or bad). I think I am someone who needs 'certainty' and this is the first time in my life that I am realising that I just can't have it.

I do have a counselling / support service I could access via my workplace. I will look into that.

You make a very valid point about this message board being an example of finding support and community outside of family. I am very grateful to everyone who has taken the time to respond to me each time I have posted.

In person, whilst I am quiet, I do think I am quite likeable and I can see that I do have people who care about me. For example, at work I am always answering little Teams messages from people checking to see how I am (they know I have been going through a tough time with my parents illness and also I have had a tough time work wise too lately). It does give me hope!

I think also that going through all this has matured me and changed me as a person and that I am a lot more understanding of the difficulties which everyone faces in life. I feel inspired to try and be a support to other people wherever I can.

well, tbh, that last paragraph sounds really positive to me. I find that nice people find other nice people in life, because who wouldn't want to be friends with other nice people? And I think putting your finger on a key issue, namely that you can't have certainty about the future, will be of help in working out how you navigate that. I find that 'upright with knickers on' is a good place to start, so that's my first achievement of each day 😉

But really, would 'certainty' help any? I'm quite glad we don't know what's ahead. Imagine the Princess of Wales - how would advance knowledge of her cancer have made her life any easier, poor woman? Or the poor people caught up in that awful bridge collapse today? All any of us can do is the best we can to enjoy life while we are able to, and to put whatever mechanisms we feel suitable in place to mitigate for the future.

[Thanks for the good wishes on my friend btw, v much appreciated. Poor man - he should have had years more open to him, sigh.]

@CaptainBatEars Thank you. You are making me feel better, and you sound like a very nice person too!

And absolutely on certainty not always being a good thing. I have been thinking lately that I wish I had a crystal ball and could see how my future plays out, but as you say, that might not be a good thing!

That's v kind of you, though I do have my moments as a snarly caaaaah, honest! Glad it's helping. I think I've watched my MIL waste so much time worrying about Things That Might Never Happen that this also makes me determined not to do the same. I'll give you an example: she's currently stressing herself about our nephew, who's thinking about becoming an architect. She's flapping on about how long the Uni course is, how poorly paid the profession is, how much debt he's going to get into, etc etc etc. But guess what? DN is 13. Yes, thirteen. Who knows what he'll want to do at 17/18 or so - it's 5 years away! Yet MIL is spoiling the time she has now with DN because of worrying about something which may never actually come to pass. If she was really concerned, she could set up a trust fund for him or do something practical, but no, she just expends all this wasted energy on hypotheticals.

So, what's the worst that could happen? You might be on your own in your old age. So plan to mitigate that risk as far as you can. Aim for getting yourself to a position where you have the financial security you need. Cultivate a wide circle of friends so you have a network. Talk to a therapist about techniques to manage the worries you have. Look into what volunteer and other schemes there are near you supporting older people. That might all help you feel you're taking back control (to coin a phrase) of the uncertainty worrying you at the moment. And do keep checking in here with how you're getting on, if you find that useful. I find the advice on here v helpful on a whole range of things. In the meantime, look after yourself and don't beat yourself up over much 🤗

@InceyWinceySpidy this was gorgeous to read, I’ve seen your comments on posts before and you just write so beautifully, you should show this to your nan, your love for her rings out in every word ❤️

I'm an only child and childless. It doesn't bother my parents that I didn't give them GC. They are happy about this.

@Auburngal Thank you for your reply. I don't think my parents are bothered about a GC either. It's more a sense of loneliness for myself that I worry about - especially in the future.

Is this something that has ever worried you?

It has, esp after losing my last grandparent last month.

There's no other family nearby. Hardly see what family my parents and I are in contact with anyway plus they are a lot older than me. GF was the youngest child - 6 children over 21 years. Dad's eldest cousin was already a mum herself by the time my dad was born. Her baby was 6 weeks old at the time.

Have you posted this thread somewhere before? Im asking out of concern because this seems to be something that has taken over your life, and while we can give words of support and assurance, none of us can predict or give any answers for anyone else's future. Could you speak to your partner about things?

@ThisChicLurker Yes, I have. It has absolutely taken over my life sadly. I should speak to my partner again. We have touched on the topic but he doesn't know how much I worry.

@Strawberriesandpears yes definitely do. I think he would be very understanding and would hate you have been feeling like this

Thank you @CaptainBatEars for another kind message and excellent advice.

And best wishes to your nephew in whatever career path he ends up choosing!

Hello,

I am just checking back into my thread to provide a little update as so many of you were so kind in offering advice and support.

I don't have a massive update, but I have managed to develop some new friendships this year and am feeling a little more positive. Anxieties still creep back in (and I am not sure they will ever go away), but yeah, I am plodding along and trying to stay as positive as I can!

That’s good to hear OP.

If you make friendship and finding community a priority in your life then you will find it. Many find it from church, volunteering or hobbies.

For instance I have made two friends in their 70s in the past year (I'm in my 50s). Both of them are people who I would happily visit and help if they were unwell in the future. Another recent friend is 29 with young children and is a single mother. So it's very possible (and very enjoyable!) to make friends in all age groups.

I have been actively looking to find new friends over the last 2 years and prioritising friendship in my life. I recommend!

Aww that's lovely to hear, thank you. I too have been prioritising friendships, and have made some lovely new friends this year.

I'm glad!
I truly think that friendship is one of life's most precious gifts and that we can make new friendships throughout our lives.

It's great to have old friends but new friends are also very special as they fit the person we are right now.

My husband is a childfree only child… of two only children. So a very small family.

I’m one of seven siblings, and the only one without children. Both my parents come from big families so lots of aunts, uncles, and cousins.

Obviously, DH and I have very different family dynamics.

He’s very much an introvert so keeps a small circle. He feels that he’d never have done well having to create a social network around children, had we ever decided to have them.

I do worry about how he’d cope if something happened to me, but having children would have been no guarantee of someone to look out for him in his old age.

He would have liked to have siblings. He lost both his parents within the past two years and shouldered so much of that alone (with me supporting, obviously).

I like the quote "friends are the family you choose for yourself".

I realise this is from last year, but what a sad and lovely story!! I love that you've helped her and I think her story will stick with me. Thank you 🥰

That's a really good way of looking at things. Sometimes I am sad that I lost touch with childhood friends, but there isn't anything to say we would have enjoyed each others company as adults anyway.

Thank you for sharing this. I too would have liked to have had siblings, and I do worry about how I will cope when my parents are old.

I think your husband is right that as an introvert it would be difficult to create the social network which children require. It's probably the main reason I don't feel able to have children myself. I couldn't provide them with any extended family, so I would have to go out and actively seek out other families to connect with. But there is no guarantee this would be possible. I wouldn't want a child to have a lonely life.