Childfree only child

[Strawberriesandpears]

Hello folks,

I was wondering if anyone here is an only child and / or if they know of any older people who have gone through life as a childfree only child and been ok?

This is the situation I find myself in (I'm 36 and I think very unlikely to have children) and recently it has hit me like a ton of bricks.

I'm not overly concerned about old age in terms of care (I have a very good financial buffer and obviously you can't rely on children to provide it anyway) but how on earth do you deal with the lack of connection without family (I do hope to have my partner for a long time though). Can you really make a 'family' of your own through community connections (volunteering etc) as some seem to suggest?

I'm feeling really sad about the rest of my life at the moment. There is some good (a lovely partner and financial security) but society seems so geared towards families, that I'm feeling increasingly scared and like I don't belong.

Thank you for reading.

I just came to say I joined the website to post here. I am an only child, 36, only have my mum (dad never wanted to be part of my life), cousins I don’t speak with these days and I completely understand the heavy weight it feels like some days of being in this situation. When I lived in my hometown I had a large group of friends, and was often invited to their family things as I was always working my way into finding the ‘family’ I never had. So yes, the community and family you make for yourself can fulfil you but I don’t think it can truly replace the closeness of those who have that tight, loyal family blood bond. I moved away with my husband and now we are kind of separated so the lack of family to catch me has been so apparent during this (my mum hasn’t been supportive). I wrestle with ‘do I want children?’ I want the family I never had, but I don’t have the wider support (it takes a village), plus I’m 36 now, and would I want to bring another only child into the world knowing what I know? I guess I’m wanting to say (in a very long winded way) is thank you for posting this, know you’re not alone in your feelings, and while life is hard at times we need to look for the beauty in it where we can… even if it doesn’t look like what we thought it would. Xx

Hi @YelYel78

Thank you very much for posting on this thread. I'm really grateful that you have taken the time to let me know that there are others in this situation.

I'm sorry to hear about the difficult things you have gone though, especially the separation with your husband. You say you are 'kind of separated' so I wonder if there could perhaps be some way of getting back together and giving things another go? Obviously don't answer that here if you do not feel comfortable doing so. Alternatively, if it is the end of the line, I hope you won't write off meeting someone else in the future. I do genuinely believe that whilst it might get harder to meet people as you get older, it is not impossible! I know people who have met their significant other in their 40s for example.

The children issue - I have very similar thoughts too. I think you are right in being concerned that you do not have a wider support network. Also, something which greatly concerns me is the increased chance of having a child with disabilities (due to being older now). There's absolutely no way I could cope with that and give the child the support it would need and quite rightly deserve. There's also the risk of dying early (for example of cancer in your 50s) and leaving the child as an orphan before they are even an adult.

You know what the ironic thing is about this though? I think that both you and I would actually make great parents as we are showing so much concern to our potential children before they even exist! I've read a lot of threads on here where people are questioning whether they should go ahead with being an older parent (and often via sperm donation) and they receive a load of 'go for it' and 'you only live once' type replies, that show very little concern for the situation the child is being brought into. It all seems to be just about a selfish desire to create a family regardless of whether the circumstances are appropriate.

It seems that only children are on the increase now. Growing up, I don't know about you, but I didn't know a lot of other only children. Obviously life isn't black and white, but I personally think that parents should (where possible) have two children (or more). I know people will say that there's no guarantee that you will get on with your siblings, but at least there is a chance that you will if they actually exist! And most people I know with siblings get on fine with them. I read threads on here from parents discussing whether their only child will be lonely, and there quite often seems to be little consideration of the longer term. It's all just things like 'have friends round for play dates - they'll be fine'. Childhood is such a short space of time though - it's as an adult that the loneliness and vulnerability of being an only child starts to be felt.

I think that smaller families will change the structure of society in coming years. This will especially be the case with elder care. Right now, it seems to be heavy reliant on the nuclear family, with children stepping in to provide care and support. This is something which, I'll admit, terrifies me. I will have no younger family members to provide a safety net. But realistically, how much help and support can parents with one child expect to receive? Especially if the world continues to go the way it is (with the rising cost of living etc), children will need to be out in the world tending to their own problems. The one positive thing about my situation is that I have a lot of money saved up (mostly due to inheritance which I have not had to share with siblings). I think money will help a lot in my older years (for example being able to pay for care, being able to afford trips and hobbies to keep loneliness at bay). I hope that is something you might have for yourself too, or that you can perhaps start saving to provide that kind of protection for yourself. Of course money can't replace family, or provide emotional support, but at least it's something. I was watching an absolutely heart breaking documentary a while ago about pensioners and a lot of them had no family and were also living in poverty (no heating, only being able to eat one meal a day etc). So incredibly sad.

In terms of how I see the rest of my life going - I'm honestly unsure at the moment. I am feeling increasingly passionate about this issue though and hope to channel it into some positive action. I wonder, if for example, networks could be created in which those in the situation we find ourselves in could reach out and make ourselves 'surrogate' siblings! I'd certainly be willing to do that, and if you would like to be my very first one, then I'd be very happy about that! Send me a DM if you wish and we can chat some more and support one another.

Also, just to further emphasise that we are not alone, here is another thread I found from someone in a similar situation.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4830447-to-be-genuinely-afraid-of-my-future-and-spending-it-alone-and-dying-alone

Not an only child but my brother is older and we aren't close.
No partner here either, and I don't get many visitors so often wonder how long it would take before someone realised I had died. I do have friends that I do speak with regularly, so I suppose one of them would notice.
I find that making friends isn't that difficult, but making close or good friends is. Ones that will keep in contact outside of the activity or group that you've met them at.

Hi OP, I’m friends with a lady in her 80’s who is an only child and child free. We met at a music group years ago. She has lots of friends and lives in a retirement complex where there are people in a similar position and is friends with former colleagues who are unmarried and child free. She’s currently on holiday with them! Day to day she is busy and has a full life. The only time I think it really makes a difference is Christmas when I think she does feel a little lonely and things like when she came out of hospital a few years ago, she didn’t have anyone to stay and help her although friends popped in.

My "Auntie" wasn't really my Auntie but my mums best friend from where she worked in her 20s. She led a lot of lovely life! She had lots of friends and honestly never saw anything negative about how she lived /ended up.

@Troubledwords Thank you. I know what you mean about friends, I do have a few, but people are so busy with 'life' it is hard to become really close. I hope you can develop some closer friendships over time though.

@Retrievemysanity Thank you. It's interesting to hear about older people in this situation. I think part of my worry stems from the fact that I don't actually know any else with my family (or lack of!) set up. A retirement complex is definitely something I am thinking of for my older years (I have found a super luxury one which I am saving for 😁). Presumably if you are already living in one of those at the time of a hospital stay, you can go back to your retirement complex and 'buy in' any extra care you might need. I must admit, being ill and alone is one of my greatest fears. I imagine lying in hospital and feeling scared. Having friends come in and provide a bit of support must make a big difference. I think I'd feel ok about Christmas though - because I come from such a small family, we have never made a big 'thing' of it and hence I don't think I'd feel I was missing much.

@Annfr Aww that's fantastic! It sounds like her life turned out great. Definitely an inspiration. Thank you for sharing.

@Strawberriesandpears I’ve got another friend in one of those luxury retirement complexes-it’s amazing! I think they have a lot of medical support on site and staff there all the time. The single, child free friend is in a much smaller, less luxury complex although it’s nice and everyone knows each other. But they don’t have someone there 24/7 and yes, she’d have to buy in help if she needed it although I’m not sure she has the finances to do so (not 100% sure though).

@Retrievemysanity It's good that these places exist, and hopefully more and more will spring up in years to come. With family sizes getting smaller, I think demand for paid elder care will grow.

I'm a child free only child of two only children, oh and my father died when I was a baby. So I'm the very end of the blood line. I couldn't have had a happier life. I have never even lived with a partner, through choice. I have felt happy and fulfilled and have had a life full of fun and excitement (dance has been an obsession) and I now, in my sixties, have a lovely boyfriend, a great relationship with my mum, and make a difference to the world through full time volunteering. Lack of family has never bothered me in the slightest. In fact when I read stuff on here about the shit people go through with their families I often thank my lucky stars.

OP, you could be describing my DM's friend Anna. Anna is an only child, remained single and child free all her life, and is now in her late 80s. Before her health started to get in the way, she had a fabulous life, taking all sorts of far flung trips with organised groups (walking in Fiji, for example) as well as a wide range of other interests. She had a great career and still has a good circle of close knit friends/ex-colleagues who are helping her negotiate her new normal now that her health is not what it was, plus she's the money to buy in the care she needs. She certainly isn't mouldering away forgotten by all around her, so there's no reason why that would be what lies ahead for you either. Friends are definitely the key, but forward planning helps too. Like you, I've got my eye on one of those retirement communities should the need arise and I/we can't live independently any more. I think they're a brilliant idea.

@thecatneuterer Thank you. That's lovely to hear. I am glad you have such an enjoyable and fulfilling life, and I wish you and your boyfriend much happiness for the years ahead. Volunteering is definitely something I wish to start doing too. Also, you are quite right in that families can come with a whole load of unwanted drama!

@CaptainBatEars Thank you. That's very reassuring. I don't actually know any one in 'real life' in my situation and definitely not anyone older, so it's great to hear about Anna and how well things have panned out for her. I think being forgotten and isolated is what worries me most, but Anna's example proves that this does not have to be the case. Retirement communities certainly do look good. The one I have my eye on has an art and pottery studio on site which I would absolutely love!

Sending you, your DM and Anna all my very best wishes for many happy years ahead!

@Strawberriesandpears thanks to you too! Anna is great and definitely one of my older women role models. I should mention that in addition to her friends like my DM, she's had excellent support from local council organisations for older people, and occupational therapists, who've helped her make practical decisions and who have offered advice on what's available in support terms. I think also, with the Interweb and messageboards/online communities, no one really needs to be 'alone' in the way that they perhaps might have been in past decades. I've made really good friends via online communities and I'm sure that is something open to us which wasn't there for previous generations.

@CaptainBatEars That's great to hear! Thank you for the further reassurance.

You are definitely right about online communities. I love art and really want to start joining online communities around that.

Thanks again! You've really helped me feel a bit calmer about my situation.

You are very welcome! I take the view that we only get the one life, so it's pointless worrying about things we don't know will happen, so let's make the best of the things that have happened instead 😘

I'm 67 and a childfree only, as is my partner of 27 yrs. We are never lonely, to be honest, because we are both very good at entertaining ourselves with various hobbies.

My partner who is younger is still working and I can't even imagine him retiring. He has a wide circle of friends and often sees them and is well-liked. I on the other hand am now housebound with disability and poor health, so my social life revolves around online communities. I'm now a moderator in a couple of those and really enjoy it!

@CaptainBatEars Thank you. That is wise advice! 😊

@CrunchyCarrot Thank you. That's really good to hear. Like you, I am pretty good at entertaining myself and have lots of hobbies. I am sorry to hear about your disability and poor health though, but it is great that you are staying positive and making the most of online communities. I am sure they really value your skills and input. Wishing you and your husband many more happy years ahead. 😊

I’m an only child although I have adult children. I can relate so much to what you say OP as it’s something that regularly crosses my mind. Both children do their own thing and I don’t always see them and I know this is the time for me to establish some things in my life. Around here families are really close but as my children don’t have children themselves I don’t have that part either. Im considering volunteering so am actively seeking out a role I can do. My parents are alive with one of them in a home so do help support the other one too. Once they’ve gone I know I’ll find it hard as cousins live miles away.

@Lattee Thank you for your reply. Sorry to hear you are finding things a bit tough too. Not sure if this will help, but I recently started a thread asking for ideas for volunteering opportunities / finding community and I got lots of helpful replies. Here is the link: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/childfree-mumsnetters/4868060-where-to-find-a-strong-sense-of-community-and-make-a-difference

Hi Strawberries; Thank you so much for the link, very kind of you 😀

@Lattee You are very welcome. Hope it helps 😊

Hope nobody minds, but giving this thread a bump as I am struggling so much again.

I am feeling lonely and scared to my absolute core at the moment. The thought of the future that lies ahead for me (after my parents are gone, and should anything happen to my partner) fills me with dread. How on earth would I cope entirely on my own? Would it even be possible to go on? Will I ever be happy in life again? It really doesn't feel like it. Any happiness I should be experiencing now is eaten away by my constant anxiety.

I know I need to make more friends, and I have made a start - I have been chatting online to another only child in my position. We live close by, so I think we will meet at some point. Will this approach get me through life - a 'found' family of friends?

Thank you for listening and to those of you who have replied to this and some of my other threads around this issue already.

Hi @Strawberriesandpears hadn't you signed up for some therapy to help you with this a few months ago? did that not happen?

Joining a church can provide a real sense of community, is that something that might interest you?

@MrsDanversGlidesAgain Thank you. I tried to find a private counsellor, but none of the ones I contacted felt they could really help (which was honest of them at least). One even suggested to me that a solution for when I am older would be to fly myself to Dignitas!

I have recently been referred to therapy through the NHS but haven't been yet - I know I really should though.

@Princessfluffy Thank you. It does actually and I even started a thread on another board asking people for their experiences of joining a church for the sense of community. I got quite a mixed response - some very encouraging, some saying I shouldn't do it if I am not really a 'believer' (which I am not to be honest).