“When/why did you decide not to have children?”

[sammylady37]

I’m wondering if others would answer the above questions similarly to me. For me, it never actually was a decision I had to make, in much the same way as I never actively decided not to run away and join the circus or become a nightclub promoter or get an exotic pet. It was never something I had to consider and weigh up pros and cons for. I just simply never ever wanted children, and I’ve lived my life with that in mind. I never felt any sort of longing or urge or even the faintest curiosity about it. I’ve observed friends and siblings have children, I have been very involved with them and haven’t once had a pang of longing or envy.

I was eventually sterilised at 40, after having lobbied unsuccessfully for it many years earlier.

I’m curious to know if other childfree posters have a similar lifelong absence of desire, or chose to be childfree for practical reasons?

I just simply never ever wanted children, and I’ve lived my life with that in mind.

This.

Plus, I wouldn't have been a good mother and that wouldn't have been fair to a child.

If I got with a partner that had them then I'd be a dad as best as possible.

Personally I prefer not to be tied down with my own.

I’m the same as you OP, I didn’t decide not to have children, it just wasn’t a consideration for me. In my family I had some childfree people so it was always normal that not everyone had children and I saw the alternatives as well. It’s just normal to me that some people don’t want children, we all have different likes and wants about everything else, so why would we all feel the same about having children.

I never had the urge either. Having children would have been a decision. Not having them is/was my natural default position.

Plenty of child-free adults in my family meant it was always a perfectly legitimate option for me not to want kids and it's definitely never been something I've ever wanted. Luckily partner feels the same.

Fairly similar here - and I'd say it was lifelong. As a child I was one of the few girls of my age who never wanted a baby doll - Tiny Tears and later Cabbage Patch didn't interest me at all.

I could see two paths for me. I'd have honestly been fine without having a kid.

I now have a DD, 6 and I'm not going to bang on about "not knowing real love until you have a child" or that "it just MAKES you a better person,"

It's just a different kind of life, and you can't imagine one with them if you don't have them, nor can you imagine a life without them once they're here. Neither is better or worse, IMO, and I really dislike that some people bang on about how others aren't "complete" without them.

Some of my favourite people don't have kids and they're free to borrow mine (joking but also not).

No path is right or wrong, just different. I'm so pleased I have her but I would also have had a perfectly valid life without her. Now I have her I would be distraught without her, but that's not something I would ever have missed if I didn't have a child.

I hope that makes sense?

Sorry. I just saw this was meant for child-free posters. Apologies if my comment is not welcomed x

Don't worry Royalbloo, that totally makes sense to me.

I'm childfree - I don't know when or if I decided, it's just how I am. To be any different would be weird to me. But my sister has 2 children, she has always wanted to be a mother. She wouldn't want my life and I wouldn't want hers, but my life isn't better or worse than hers, just different, like you say.

I don't have a child shaped hole in my life, I don't miss what I never had. I think I would have to become a different person to be a mother, and that's not something I want. When I hear other women talk about needing to have a baby or having the urge, I just don't get it really. It's like they're speaking a different language.

That said, I think kids are great, cute and all - I just can't imagine ever being responsible for one ((shudder)).

I absolutely 100% understand. I didn't have the urge. She's great, but we, as women, can also accomplish absolutely wonderful things without children.

Thank you for your message - I didn't mean to intrude. X

My older by six years sister only ever wanted to be a mother, and to be a teacher while she was waiting to be married and have children.

I expect I was spoiled as a child, I often sloped away and avoided chores by being busy with homework

My mother would warn me when I had my own children, there would be no getting away from dirty nappies of endless cooking and washing up. Even at a very young age, I remember shrugging at the prospect. It seemed to me pretty obvious that bout having children would make it possible to avoid a lot of work.

When we got together, DH had two DS, the younger in sister firm, the other already working. I asked him how he would feel about having more, in case I wanted some. He said he had t really planned his sons and yet would not want to be without them now so was open to having more.

It's honestly never appealed to me. Much prefer an interesting career and and a relatively easy life.

I've never, ever wanted them. Never enjoyed the company of children. I'm stubborn, like things my own way, am compulsively neat and like sleeping and travelling.

No regrets as I push towards 40!

Much as many other posters, I simply never wanted them. No carefully thought out reasons, simply never had a maternal bone in my body.

I am interested that some PPs say that they grew up in an environment where it was normal not to have children as they had relatives without children. This is true for me too, out of five siblings in my parents generation, all were married but only two of the five had children. Looking back, this was probably quite unusual but was, of course normal for me.

I never wanted children, I knew before I was 10 that I didn't. Just didn't want to do that, and it never helped that people said 'oh you'll change your mind!'

I don't believe I could have been a good mother, I have hyperacusis which means I cannot tolerate loud noises, certainly can't endure screaming children.

No regrets. I am a 'mother' to my kitties instead!

When I was younger I thought that having a child was basically something that happened to women. I didn't know an adult woman who wasn't also a parent.
As a young adult in university, things broadened. I came out at first as bi, now gay. Kids weren't an issue, prevention of them at that age was amongst our peer group.
Later on when friends were having them on purpose, I just didn't get it. I don't hate kids but I don't find them cute or adorable just because they're kids. I think there are places that it is inappropriate to bring small kids because they wreck it for everyone, and I'm happy to die on that hill. Some women friends also lost their personalities and became 'child's mummy' rather than anything else. I find that terrifying. You could walk in with a limb missing and they wouldn't notice and just say, 'child said x today!' They're so restrictive and expensive, sometimes gross and noisy. I don't want to have a child-centric life. You'd have to really want it, some do, but I just don't and never did and I'm glad I had the education and life experience to make that decision rather that have having kids thrust upon me because that's just 'what women do.'
It also bothers me that some women 'fall pregnant' like they barely thought about it, rather than thinking a thought like 'I am going to create a human that I am responsible for, this decision will impact my life and their life forever; am I able for it? Practicalities: can I afford if? What if I die? What if it has additional needs and I can't work?' Etc

I always knew I didn’t want children. I didn’t particularly like children even when I was one myself. I never had any doubts at all, and I have zero regrets.

The idea of pregnancy & childbirth horrified me. I don’t find kids, even my own nephews & nieces, cute or endearing in any way. Just noisy, grubby, smelly, messy, unhygienic, demanding, expensive, annoying, restrictive etc etc. Everything that knackered, stressed-out parents complain about constantly on MN.

I understand that most people, and particularly most women, do want to become parents. This desire is entirely normal. They are normal people. Good for them, but I am not ‘most people’ and I don’t want to be normal. When my friends started having children, I was genuinely pleased for them because they got what they wanted. I just wanted something different. Remaining childfree was definitely the right decision for me.

I really wanted one(DH also but maybe slight less passionate about it), we started trying and the first few months I was disappointed it didn’t happen and then gradually as months went on I was so relieved when I got my period each month.

Reflecting back now we’re both so glad I didn’t get pregnant and pretty certain we will remain childfree.

I have known from the age of 11 when I found my friends toddler sister supremely annoying that I didn't want kids. Many people said 'ooh you'll change your mind one day!!' and I said 'I won't'. And I haven't.

I have no desire to have any interaction with children, I find them irritating and terrifying in equal measures.

And to be perfectly honest the idea of being pregnant/giving birth/breastfeeding makes me feel sick and panicky. I feel very strongly that my body is my own.

I knew how much hard work kids are, so I wasn't going to have any unless I really wanted to. I know that the desire for kids can be very strong and quite sudden, so I made sure to save up etc.
And then that urge never came.
In an abstract way I feel a teeny tiny bit of melancholy that it turned out that way, but mainly I appreciate being able to have lie-ins and retire early.

I never thought about children, but thought I would have some as that’s what you did, met a man, got married, had children. In my early 20s I started thinking, what if it doesn’t have to be that way? Had a very brief discussion with my partner (now husband) when I was about 25 “do you want kids?” “No, not really” “shall we just have some dogs?” “Yes”. And that was that, now I am heading towards 40, and don’t regret it.

Paperbagsaremine
In an abstract way I feel a teeny tiny bit of melancholy that it turned out that way

I sort of feel a bit like that, only every now and then but like you say in a very detached way.
For me it's around things like Christmas, knowing that when my parents are gone I won't really have a family day at that time of year, like I had growing up.
But I suppose I will make my own traditions, I will probably travel or something.

I’ve always been ambivalent towards the idea of children, but never had a relationship in which kids were a possibility. And I never had the inclination to do it on my own.

I did wonder if I’d feel broody when friends started having children, but although I enjoy spending time with them, I’ve never thought “I wish I had one of those”. Now I’m probably past the time when it’s even possible, and I’m content with that.

When I was younger I was completely taken in by the "abusers breed abusers" myth so never allowed myself to even engage with the idea of having children and avoided them. I know now it's total crap (but an extremely common, almost obsessive fear apparently) but I think that period got in the way of me being able to engage with the idea and shut off any maternal feelings.

I've never wanted children. Just didn't ever, not for one moment feel the need. My husband feels the same We've never, not for one moment had a twinge of regret and we're late 50s now. We just don't have the gene.

I can see how happy having a family has made my friends and I'm sure if kids had come along I'd have thrown myself into it with love and gusto. I'm so very glad they didn't though as I like life how it is.

When asked I always say that I like kids, but just didn't want any. Truth is I've never met a child whose company I've enjoyed as much as the company of adults.

My mum felt the same as me. I don't think there was so much choice years ago.