“When/why did you decide not to have children?”

[sammylady37]

I’m wondering if others would answer the above questions similarly to me. For me, it never actually was a decision I had to make, in much the same way as I never actively decided not to run away and join the circus or become a nightclub promoter or get an exotic pet. It was never something I had to consider and weigh up pros and cons for. I just simply never ever wanted children, and I’ve lived my life with that in mind. I never felt any sort of longing or urge or even the faintest curiosity about it. I’ve observed friends and siblings have children, I have been very involved with them and haven’t once had a pang of longing or envy.

I was eventually sterilised at 40, after having lobbied unsuccessfully for it many years earlier.

I’m curious to know if other childfree posters have a similar lifelong absence of desire, or chose to be childfree for practical reasons?

I've never wanted them either. I think when I was a child/teen, I kind of assumed I would have children because that's what people do - but I didn’t actually like the idea. I figured it's something you eventually develop a desire for. But I never did. And actually I just really don’t enjoy being around children and the idea of being pregnant absolutely horrifies me. So I suppose I realised in my late teens but deep down I'd always known I wasn't destined for motherhood.

I never thought about children, never wanted children and if I had ended up with one I probably would have kept it in a cupboard or forget it when I went out ( my husband thinks I would be the real life uncle - well aunt in Harry Potter!!) I have managed to keep our dog alive so that’s something I suppose

I just didn't decide to have them. Is that not what the decision is though? Like it takes actions to have children but my natural state is child free.

I agree with the comments that say that it makes a difference in your decision making if you knew adults who were childless growing up.
every adult I knew had children. So therefore I thought it was the natural thing to do in a loving relationship and had 3. Now my children are all over the age of 10, I’ve started thinking ‘ohh so I didn’t have to do that’ 😆
I honestly think that if I’d left it till my 30’s when my brain was more in gear, I probably would have remained childless.
I don’t regret my children at all, but approaching my 40’s I’ve now come to realise who I ACTUALLY am and what I want in life and what makes me happy. I’m not a family orientated person and I like my freedom. Freedom makes me happy and when you have a family there are big commitments. I’m also a big worrier and having children gives you hundreds of things to constantly worry about.
I think there are so many positives that far outweigh the negatives of not having children and it’s down to what makes you happy as a person.

I didn’t want kids when I was younger. Then for a while I was ambivalent and kept waiting for broodiness to strike either me or DH (who always thought he’d like to have kids eventually). But it never did. We discussed it regularly but never felt strongly enough to do it. Then my DH changed his mind and decided he didn’t want kids, and now we’re 40 and don’t expect to have kids.
I do see the positives to having kids - creating a family, watching them grow and develop - but we just never wanted it badly enough to push the button. And I worry about the world kids born now are inheriting - climate change etc.

Yes, I’m one of those for whom it isn’t a choice, I just intrinsically know I don’t want them in the same way I know I don’t want to take up skydiving or get cancer. It’s not a question for me. If I had them, that would be an active choice going against my instincts. Even as a kid I didn’t like other kids or even being a kid and I used to tell my mum “don’t you dare have another baby” (yes I was a bit of a devil child, pretty sure I had/have undiagnosed neurodiversity but that’s another story!)

I’ve never envisaged kids in my future. I imagined myself doing cool things like having an important job, moving countries, being famous (that one didn’t happen) but none of my dreams or visions of the future ever involved children. I had an accidental pregnancy at 24 and had an abortion, easiest decision ever, never felt any regret or upset, occasionally I think “fucking hell id have a 10 year old now and I’m really glad I don’t”. My life wouldn’t be anywhere near as good as it is now if I’d had a baby.

I also think Lucy Worsley had a good point about it being educated out of you.
Lots of "be sure not to get pregnant"
And mix that with parents who don't particularly seem to enjoy having to deal with kids.
Then add on the effect of seeing your Mum caught having to look after elderly relatives with no help from anyone else, to the point of a nervous breakdown, while we were dumb useless teenagers...
And yeah, who'd want to go down that road?

Later on I saw it could be different, but ... Kind of too late.

It was never something I had to consider and weigh up pros and cons for. I just simply never ever wanted children, and I’ve lived my life with that in mind. I never felt any sort of longing or urge or even the faintest curiosity about it. I’ve observed friends and siblings have children, I have been very involved with them and haven’t once had a pang of longing or envy.

This is exactly me as well. It was never a decision I had to make, I just knew.

I have a huge family, from a country/culture where aunts, uncles and cousins are considered immediate family not extended. I was always surrounded by babies & children. No one was childfree and those that had fertility issues went on to adopt so I was definitely considered ‘abnormal’.

I had a very brief moment of broodiness when I was 19 and the woman in the flat below had a baby, but it didn’t really amount to much. When married in my 20’s, we never talked about children, and it is a blessing that I never fell pregnant to him. In my 30’s and 40’s, I only had one serious boyfriend who hadn’t had a vasectomy but we never got to the stage that we discussed having children (he already had two).

I never really felt like I wanted a child, I certainly didn’t want to give birth, and I am slightly concerned about DP having a grandchild in the future and me being expected to do “something” as I wouldn’t have the first idea!

Before I left primary school, I knew I wanted to stay single, I didn't want children, and I knew my career aims. I'm single, childfree, and doing quite nicely in that career. I like children, but I also like handing them back!

I absolutely wanted children in my 20s. Even had names picked out 🙄

Then my friends started having them & the appeal started diminishing.

I remember coming home after staying with a friend & her 3 children for a few days. I came home & just sat enjoying the silence & tidy house, looking forward to a lie in the next day & realised that parenthood wasn't for me.

I have nieces who I absolutely adore. I have a fantastic relationship with them & have since they were baby's. I'm the fun Auntie. I take them out, take them on mini breaks, give them pocket money & am a general soft touch but its always been nice dropping them home afterwards.

I think I'm just too selfish. I like my time and my money etc to be mine. I've never ever regretted it or felt I made the wrong decision

It's been a messy journey. Sorry, this is long.

Until I was in my late 30s, I assumed that I didn't want kids - liked my freedom, am very career-focused, thought I wouldn't be a good mum. I'm also bisexual and tend to date more women than men, so it wasn't a given that I'd be able to 'just have' kids if my partner was female. I think for my generation of LGBT folks growing up under Section 28, things like marriage and kids just weren't on the table in the same way that they are now.

In my early 40s, that changed - partly the big clock of fertility, partly seeing friends and siblings have kids, partly coming to terms with my relationship with my own parents and realising that actually I would actually be good at parenting . With no partner at that time, I realised I'd probably have to go it alone. I had fertility tests which showed I was still good for it; talked to a lot of friends who were single mums and queer parents; and started to shift the dial in the other direction.

And then the pandemic happened, and then I got Covid many times, and then I ended up having some other severe health stuff which meant that I spent a lot of time in and out of hospital, having a lot of emergency surgery which had its own set of side effects. In short, it was a deeply traumatic period of time which lasted for several years and left me with permanent physiological damage.

And now we're here and I'm in my mid-40s. I know that if I still, really, wanted a child I could push through IVF and the rest but after the shitshow of the past few years and how much medical intervention I've had to handle, I don't think I could take it; let alone the low odds for success and the fact I'd be doing it alone. I would rather just take my life as it is. I'm aware I may end up as a step-parent at some stage. I feel ok about it as I think I've owned my life choices right now and am comfortable, again, with all the things I was happy about before the last 5 years, re freedom, money etc. Very grateful to have my nephew in my life and all of my friends' kids; and I think, now, alright not having any of my own.

1969 when I was 15. A graphic film of childbirth (must have been a sex ed class) and I had to leave the room. Instant decision. Plus the fact I had and do not have maternal urges (although I have been known to find babies cute), did not have particularly inspiring examples of mothering around me, and had a much loved aunt who was also childfree and thoroughly enjoying her life.

When ex and I were talking about a fresh start after his affair, I recall one day when we were talking about what we'd do, and he turned to me and said 'Do you think we should think about starting...' and the thought flashed into my head 'please don't say a family.' Luckily he meant 'to look for a house.' 😆

Lots of "be sure not to get pregnant"

This too. I went to two academic all girls grammar schools where the emphasis was on finishing your education and don't let anything interrupt that. The girls who did become pregnant were not admired -one had an Exhibition to Cambridge and the consensus was OMG, she was going to Cambridge and threw that away??

Never, not for one second, wanted children. An abusive & neglected childhood undoubtedly contributed to feeling children were a nuisance. But also the very idea of being pregnant, giving birth, I just find horrifying. I love my calm me-centred life; I couldn't have given a child the attention he/she would've needed, the stress would've killed me.

I've known since I was a child that I didn't want any children. I did teach for a while and that just confirmed it! I'm looking down the barrel of 40 and I am pretty sure that if I ever had a biological clock, the batteries were never even installed!

Related, and I hope not a derail… I don’t have children but am very much the age where people around me are having them.

I’m worried about losing my friends if I don’t have children as they all have so much more in common with each other it seems. Im happy and would enjoy going to children focused events to keep being involved in their lives, but I’m worried I’ll just end up left out ☹️

You can sit with us, @ThirdAidKit.

I had a wonderful chidlhood with great parents and a brother that I (mostly) got on with and love. I never knew any adults without kids but still knew from an early age that I didn't want any. This used to be I don't want any and I dont like them, and I still don't - but my brother and his wife had a little boy a few years ago and I love my nephew. My nephew makes me laugh and feel happy - I genuinely understand why people have kids. I still don't want any of my own, and fortunately neither does my husband. It was one of the first converstations we had when we became 'serious'. I am approaching 50 now and have never once questioned the decision. I have had many people tell me they think I would make a great mum- and I probably would, but what a gamble if you dont want kids in the first place!

I’ve never been maternal, never liked playing with dolls, never had that urge to be a mum but believed everyone when they told me I’d change my mind ‘when the right man came along’.
A health issue in my 20s confirmed kids would never be a fit for me. I did grieve it a little but more as something the health issue took out of my control, if that makes sense.

I’m glad though - had I been hanging on to ‘I’ll change my mind when I meet the right man’ mindset, as my username suggests I’d still be swinging in the breeze waiting for that miracle. I’ve never felt like my life was on hold for the great event or I was missing a part of life.

The hardest part has been the judgement from people, even those who know about my health conditions and the risks associated. Some of them have genuinely said I should be ashamed for not having kids and at least had I died trying to have them, I would have lived and died for something worthwhile instead of ‘for yourself’.

These same people pass their own kids off on anyone who will have them and are constantly complaining about how hard it is to have kids and why didn’t anyone tell them.

Theres really no cure for that kind of person.

@ThirdAidKit I'm in my late 50s now. What I've found is that some friendships have lasted and some not. My lasting friendships endured regardless of whether my friends had children or not. Our shared interests and enjoyment of each other's company is what carried us through.

The hardest part has been the judgement from people, even those who know about my health conditions and the risks associated. Some of them have genuinely said I should be ashamed for not having kids and at least had I died trying to have them, I would have lived and died for something worthwhile instead of ‘for yourself’.

What an utterly appalling thing to say to anyone. Some people really are complete assholes.

I have had people ask me why I don’t want to do “something worthwhile” with my life. I pointed out my academic and work achievements (hospital consultant so have touched many many lives) my personal relationships and the caring role I played for both my parents in their last years, and said that all things considered I firmly believe that I am enough, and I don’t need to create another human to make my existence worthwhile. I. Am. Enough.

@sammylady37 yes these people really arseholes! I don’t engage anymore.

I believe I am enough too!
Not having kids has allowed me to be present in the lives of my niblings and god children in a way no other adult in their life can be for them and I know it has made a positive difference for them.
Having not had but desperately needed an adult like that when I was growing up, I think that’s a worthwhile contribution.

But even if all I - or anyone - ever did was sit at home, I’d still be enough for me!

I have had people ask me why I don’t want to do “something worthwhile” with my life

There seems to be this perception with some people that if you don't have children you have to do something 'worthwhile' and socially useful to justify your existence on the planet. As far as I'm concerned I have - I've worked (usefully) for a lot of employers, paid my taxes and my bills, been a decent enough daughter and sibling and niece and not troubled the police or the justice system; and I'm reasonably contented with my lot. Why is that not enough?

It is the fact that people actually ask this that enrages me..... usually with a "fake sympathy" smile. And my husband has never been asked, so there is misogyny there too.
I agree that it is/should be a default position to not have children. Given what a huge commitment and responsibility it is to have a child, it shocks me how little thought people give to it ("accidents" aside). I wish I'd had better and snappier answers to this question when I was younger. Now I usually pre-empt it by saying how lucky and relieved I am not to have kids. If anyone were to push me, I would point out that it's a personal and intrusive question that they have no right to ask - just as I would never ask them why they have 1/2/3 etc kids.