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MNers without children

This board is primarily for MNers without children - others are welcome to post but please be respectful

Original poster

“When/why did you decide not to have children?”

112 replies

sammylady37 · 08/06/2023 19:25

I’m wondering if others would answer the above questions similarly to me. For me, it never actually was a decision I had to make, in much the same way as I never actively decided not to run away and join the circus or become a nightclub promoter or get an exotic pet. It was never something I had to consider and weigh up pros and cons for. I just simply never ever wanted children, and I’ve lived my life with that in mind. I never felt any sort of longing or urge or even the faintest curiosity about it. I’ve observed friends and siblings have children, I have been very involved with them and haven’t once had a pang of longing or envy.

I was eventually sterilised at 40, after having lobbied unsuccessfully for it many years earlier.

I’m curious to know if other childfree posters have a similar lifelong absence of desire, or chose to be childfree for practical reasons?

OP posts:
MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 10/06/2023 11:39

I also have a very boring life - I don’t have exciting wild hobbies like you’re expected to without kids. I just live a very quiet pottery kind of life and I’m happy that way

Me too. Never wanted to be a high flyer (too lazy), no mad hobbies. enjoy my nice quiet simple life

Orangeradiorabbit · 10/06/2023 11:51

Like others, since I was a child I knew I didn't want children. I always said "I never want to have children". And if asked why i would say "I don't like children, I don't find them interesting". People outside my immediate family found it odd, and would say "but you are a child." And then when I was older, "wait till you hit 30 and it will change". But my own parents didn't find it strange - i think they knew me and my character. I never played house. Didn't care about seeing "cute" babies (I still have no interest). Didn't find the idea of children interesting and those feelings never went away.

Now in my late 30s and seeing friends and colleagues with children just makes it seem like hard work. Some people call it "selfish", but I wouldn't be a good mum, I wouldn't find joy in it, and I just like having my own space, doing my own thing, going slow and not being busy. I like the quiet, a slow life, and feeling relaxed. Organising my day how I want, even when I'm "doing nothing". I like doing nothing on the weekends, after work etc. Travelling where I want, when I want. Working late if I want. Doing things on a whim. Generally, I'm a person without a lot of "feelings", and have been described as such, so I think it is just a part of who I am. I'm not living an exciting life by any standards, but I'm free to do what I want, when I want.

BobbinThreadbare123 · 10/06/2023 16:04

Everyone who says they don't like children - you're not alone. I don't like them either. I will say so to people as well. The whole thing looks so bloody boring. Also the entire idea of pregnancy makes me gip.
I am really glad someone started this board!

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 10/06/2023 16:06

And if asked why i would say "I don't like children, I don't find them interesting". People outside my immediate family found it odd, and would say "but you are a child."

I didn't care that much for children when I was one and that seems to be the experience of a lot of people. Perhaps it was being the only one for five years and being around adults a lot.

Original poster
sammylady37 · 10/06/2023 16:22

I had no role model of a childfree woman when I was growing up, in fact most of the women in my extended family had large families and there was always an expectation that I would marry and have children. Even among my siblings, there have been many comments, questions, head-tilts etc and the only family member who unquestioningly accepted my stance was a sister-in-law. Everyone else asked more about it, or trotted out the usual comments, but she just said it was great that I knew for certain and had the ability to follow that path.

OP posts:
GOODCAT · 10/06/2023 16:27

I wanted kids but by the time I met someone I wanted to be with I was on the older side and money was very tight so it didn't seem like a good idea. It is just the way it turned out.

FatCatBum · 10/06/2023 16:30

I was always pretty ambivalent to the whole idea of having kids, I certainly didn't want them enough to 'try' to have them but if they came along then it wasn't exactly a disaster either. They never did, so we've had a lovely child free life instead and I don't feel I've missed out at all

NoKidding · 10/06/2023 19:01

For me it’s been a gradual thing. For a long time I thought I would have kids (if I could, of course) but I think now that was at least partly because it was “the done thing”. I was married and so it was the next step. It was only fairly recently (and after my marriage ended) that I realised it was actually a choice. So many of my friends have kids but am making more friends who don’t.

I don’t want children because I like my life the way it is, and I worry about the impact on both the environment and my mental health. I know I need peace and quiet/proper downtime and my partner is the same. It’s the thought of being responsible for another human, the relentlessness of it. There are many other things I want to do with my life.

Theredfoxfliesatmidnight · 10/06/2023 19:10

I'm exactly the same, I decided I didn't ever want children in exactly the same way as I decided I wasn't ever going to lie in the middle of a busy road. It just wasn't something I ever considered doing or could ever conceive of wanting to do.

TedMullins · 11/06/2023 09:48

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 10/06/2023 16:06

And if asked why i would say "I don't like children, I don't find them interesting". People outside my immediate family found it odd, and would say "but you are a child."

I didn't care that much for children when I was one and that seems to be the experience of a lot of people. Perhaps it was being the only one for five years and being around adults a lot.

yep this was me too - I didn’t enjoy being a child or like the company of other children. I preferred adults. I felt like an alien cosplaying in a human suit for most of my school years

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 11/06/2023 10:03

Yep, children were noisy, rowdy and played games I didn't understand. All I wanted was to read, write stories and draw.

squashyhat · 11/06/2023 10:13

I never really wanted them, but my father's relationship with me and my siblings was a big factor. Not that it was abusive, and he was a very good and hands-on Dad while we were little but as we developed views and opinions of our own he couldn't take it. He couldn't see anyone's point of view apart from his own (narrow) one resulting in a lot of conflict. My brother in particular grew up with a terrible relationship with him and I vowed never to inflict it on any potential grandchildren. I was right - the pattern repeated itself with my sister's children.

Truestorypeeps · 11/06/2023 10:19

Royalbloo · 08/06/2023 20:24

Sorry. I just saw this was meant for child-free posters. Apologies if my comment is not welcomed x

Plenty of child free posters have an opinion on raising children when queries are asked by parents, so I'd say you are just fine.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 11/06/2023 10:30

He couldn't see anyone's point of view apart from his own (narrow) one resulting in a lot of conflict. My brother in particular grew up with a terrible relationship with him and I vowed never to inflict it on any potential grandchildren

Parenting was one of the reasons I didn't want to be a parent myself. In many ways my DM did a good job (and in other ways didn't) but she was exactly like your father. I was the academic one, DB wasn't, and she wanted him to be like me and I found out from him recently that she tried her utmost - and he's still bitter about it 50 years later. One of the reasons he's worried about his DS's mediocre performance at school but would never push him to be what he isn't - says he had enough of that growing up.

JenniferBooth · 11/06/2023 18:34

Because i didnt want a life of drudgery. Here we are in 2023 and child care STILL falls to women as the default setting.

pinkyredrose · 12/06/2023 12:51

Stravaig · 10/06/2023 09:04

It was a decision I made when I first left home, along with eat wholefoods, wear natural fibres, avoid plastics, don't drive just because you can. Even then it was clear to me that the planet didn't need any more human beings, and so I did my part.

I also didn't have the greatest parenting, and was determined not to pass any of that on. The longer I was away and able to be myself, the less this was a worry, and it faded within a few years.

By my mid to late twenties i was helping raise other people's children, and it was clear to me and others that I loved it, it came very naturally to me. So I rethought, and bolstered my original decision with 3 criteria. If I met any 2 of the 3, I might consider children after all. I didn't ever meet 2 of the criteria at the same time. So, resolve not tested, and no children of my own.

I've done a fair amount of parenting though, and you can hand me anything from a newborn to a teenager and I do just fine. It's like activating a different part of myself, if there's a need, I step into parent mode. I've had a chance to know the part of me that is a mother, and I feel very lucky in that.

I've also never had that possessive urge, the need to have children which are my own. I've never understood that, tbh, especially the preciousness of some parents, when they're not remotely interested in anyone else's children. How else to love any child, other than as your own? It's a universal thing, to me. I once said to a friend that I though the real 'earth mother/father' archetypes were people like me, who could shapeshift and parent any child.

I could feel a bit melancholy if I try. It might have been nice to spend more time being a Mum than I've been able to, and to now be surrounded by future generations. However I feel blessed by what I have had.

I still feel clear and happy with the decision I made. Ultimately I cleave to the planet first. Choosing not to have children is my expression of love and care for our beleaguered Earth. It's one of the things I'm most proud of.

What were your 3 criteria if you don't mind me asking?

readbooksdrinktea · 12/06/2023 13:06

I have always liked my own space and to do what I want whenever I want. Children don't fit into that. I spend time with friends' children occasionally. I'm exhausted when I get home. They're not badly behaved but still so loud and slightly chaotic. It's just not for me.

Catsmere · 30/06/2023 04:43

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 10/06/2023 16:06

And if asked why i would say "I don't like children, I don't find them interesting". People outside my immediate family found it odd, and would say "but you are a child."

I didn't care that much for children when I was one and that seems to be the experience of a lot of people. Perhaps it was being the only one for five years and being around adults a lot.

I'm definitely in the "didn't like them much when I was one" group!

I was never interested in having children and told my third grade teacher that, apparently (she remembered it years later, I didn't 😄). Since I never met a man I was remotely interested in either, it never became an issue, thank goodness.

TrundleWheel76 · 02/07/2023 14:37

I always knew that I wouldn't have children, right back to when I was a very little girl. I remember my friends playing with baby dolls and prams and talking about how many babies they would have, and thinking 'not me!'

pinklama · 02/07/2023 14:49

I just simply never ever wanted children, and I’ve lived my life with that in mind.

I was never that maternal but my upbringing had a lot to do with it I think. Growing up my parents obviously favoured my brother (as he is a boy) and spent more time with him doing 'boys things'. They went for stereotypical gender roles/activities and I think I am in one lifelong rebellion. I just got the message that girls were just there to look nice and to be used for breeding as it was 'the done thing'. My dad seemed to only like me as a child 'nice little thing' as he put it. My mum never worked (her choice), she made being a FTSAHM look like a miserable existence. She never seemed happy or that maternal towards me.

Lovegossip · 09/07/2023 08:11

I never ever wanted children, it just didn't appeal to me but then I met DH at the age of 39 and saw how good he was with his little nieces and nephews and saw that I didn't want to deny him chance of being a father

We tried but nothing happened but we are both OK with that

CyanCrystalViolet · 11/07/2023 14:25

Quite a few things…

It has never really appealed

I have emetophobia

I don’t find it easy chatting to children

I’ve always suffered from episodes of severe pelvic pain and am traumatised from the amount of times I’ve had instruments of torture shoved up there over the years, so the thought of yet more of that, plus a baby coming out the other way, horrifies me

I’m easily irritated by noise

I’ve never been with anyone I thought would make a good dad

I have endometriosis and now PCOS, and have been told that getting pregnant or maintaining a pregnancy will probably be difficult for me.

That said, I like the idea of it, in a parallel universe. If I wasn’t me, I would probably have one. But I am, and even with health conditions aside I know what I’m like, so I won’t. Not sure if that makes sense.

Catsmere · 11/07/2023 22:51

Makes perfect sense!

JudgeAnderson · 11/07/2023 23:11

I remember visiting a friend in hospital just after she'd given birth (had a difficult labour) and she looked so exhausted and there was this small screaming thing in the bassinet next to her and it dawned on me that she would have to take it home and keep it forever, and it was far too hot in there and smelled horrible... had to bolt outside in a nauseated panic.

Definitely not for me.

The other factor was when I met DH. I was (and still am) so happy with him and love our relationship and the thought of a big change like that and it no longer being just the two of us, putting each other first, seemed absolutely miserable.

1967buglet · 18/07/2023 11:56

Too much caregiving I had to do at an early age as my mum was ill. I was the housekeeper and cook from about age 11 and had to watch out for my little brother. That made up my mind. It just seemed drudgery to go to school all day, come home, cook and clean, do homework and go to bed. Decided I wanted a different life than that.