“When/why did you decide not to have children?”

[sammylady37]

I’m wondering if others would answer the above questions similarly to me. For me, it never actually was a decision I had to make, in much the same way as I never actively decided not to run away and join the circus or become a nightclub promoter or get an exotic pet. It was never something I had to consider and weigh up pros and cons for. I just simply never ever wanted children, and I’ve lived my life with that in mind. I never felt any sort of longing or urge or even the faintest curiosity about it. I’ve observed friends and siblings have children, I have been very involved with them and haven’t once had a pang of longing or envy.

I was eventually sterilised at 40, after having lobbied unsuccessfully for it many years earlier.

I’m curious to know if other childfree posters have a similar lifelong absence of desire, or chose to be childfree for practical reasons?

I knew I didn't want children when I was 19. I can't say that there was a specific reason or moment when I realised I didn't want them. It was just that I didn't have a reason or a desire to have them.

Fast forward a number of years, and I'm mid-thirties and had a wobble. That wobble is now over and I'm back to not wanting kids and feeling a lot more settled and certain in that choice now.

I've given it a lot more thought-reflected on the reasons to have kids and the reasons not to have kids. I've never particularly liked children. I find them too chaotic. Too noisy and messy for my liking. A child would disrupt so much of my life and I am someone who enjoys my routines-and I'm very fixed on my routines.

I don't think I'd like the uncertainty that comes with kids. Or the disruption or the loss of freedom. Because freedom is part of my routine and at this age, I'm just not willing or able to part with my freedom. I love being able to get up and go when I want to, but also the freedom to shape my day how I want to.

I love nothing more than lazy Sundays on the couch with a good book or writing. I would lose that freedom if I had children. My life would, rightly, revolve around little teacup humans and doing the things that they want and need. My life is my own-and I want it to stay that way.

There's always something off-putting about how women, in particular, are fed the idea that our sole purpose is to have and raise children. Women who opt out are always framed as "unnatural" "selfish" "abnormal" or somehow "defective."

I find it sad how, as children, we're raised and geared up to look forward to achieving freedom and independence as adults, but then when we're adults, we have the expectation that we're going to definitely have children and lose the freedom and independence we worked so hard to attain in the first place.

Once we have the kids, we lose an amount of freedom to raise them and then they grow up, have their own kids and thrust upon us the responsibility of caring for our grandkids. It's cyclical and it feels like, especially for women, that we can't just live our lives for ourselves.

We always have to be in service of someone and if we're not, we're criticised for being selfish. I think that is at the route of a lot of the criticism that women receive for choosing to not have kids. It's the idea that women are natural caregivers, and that we should somehow be in service of someone other than ourselves. To live and believe otherwise is blasphemous.

Great observations. Makes you wonder how much has really changed, underneath - how much the expectation that we'll get educated, have a career, etc, etc, is really just a surface thing, or a nod to feminism's efforts to broaden women's worlds, to liberate us - something to be discarded the moment it looks like a woman really isn't going to sign up for that life of service (or, too often, servitude).

I have never, to my memory, wanted children. Even as a young child, when I was given a baby doll as many kids are, I would sacrifice it to frostbite in my 'Arctic explorer' games while my stuffed animals remained warm in the tent 🤣
It was just something I never really felt any sort of connection to. I've never been broody, I've never looked at a child and wanted my own.

I don't hate children, they are just doing the perfectly normal things children do, but those things make me anxious or angry or grossed out and I wouldn't want to inflict my feelings on a child or their sticky noisiness on myself 😅

I also have a huge phobia of pregnancy and just the thought of it makes me feel nauseous. It - and the damage it can do to you - is not something I want for myself.

I also know I would want to be the kind of gentle parent I needed as a child and didn't get, but I don't trust myself to not get angry, lose control and traumatise my child and I would never put any kid through that. This is how I break the cycle of abuse.
My DW is on board and doesn't have any desire for children either, so we are very content. :)

Well said. Apart from the pregnancy phobia, I felt the same - and it was all animal toys for me, too!

Because back in the 1990s i could see what was coming down the road and how much harder it was going to be for women. (ive bought this months Red which is their 25th birthday issue which is why i bought it and it has an article about how life has changed for women in the last 25 years and yes its got harder. So vindicated But you could see it coming. Two wages just to afford to buy a place now even more recently its two wages just to afford RENT in some places. I didnt want the hard relentless slog of both working AND being a mother (and childcare expectations still fall on the woman) so i chose the one the Government forces you to do lol.

I was 21 in 1994 when i finally decided..........no kids. I have no regrets at all. I remember being told that awful phrase when i was younger "The world doesnt owe you a living" Well then...............i dont owe the world a child!

Honestly, because my life would be over if I did. We have no social capital/family, and money is more than a problem. I also like to have some kind of freedom and it is hard enough with dogs.

i can’t tolerate the noise babies and toddlers make as a side reason.

I like this board though, with you lot, it makes me feel less alone.

I remember being told that awful phrase when i was younger "The world doesnt owe you a living" Well then...............i dont owe the world a child!

Well said, @JenniferBooth.

A great reasoned and very well argued comment @CleverLilViper

I could see that when they were telling women we could have it all what they were really telling us was you can DO it all.

Absolutely! I decided when I was a child that I wasn't having that sort of life.

The only people who can have it all are those who won the lottery of life. The rest of us have to let go of things. It’s a lot easier to have a kid I imagine if you have money and plenty social capital.