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Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

Original poster

Mindee that doesn't play on her own?

268 replies

chloejessmeg · 13/01/2009 00:21

I only have 1 mindee and only for 9 hours a week, who is in full time reception. But the hours she is here, she wants me to sit and play with her the whole time, and won't sit and do anything by herself. I am not saying I want her to completly entertain herself while she is here, but I have my DD who is 1year old and soon a newborn so she needs to be able to do something. She likes to do stuff like drawing, playdough, pictures etc but won't do it unless I am sitting with her, doing the activity with her which isn't always possible. If I am dealing with my DD she just keeps asking me to do x with her, or says she needs help with stuff I know she can do on her own, and won't do anything even for 2 mins. I bought her lots of stuff in the sales to try and keep her busy, but nope, still won't do it on her own. I think she will be better if/when I get another mindee of similar age but I am only getting enquiries for babies and I don't have an under 1 space.

Has anybody else had this problem and how do you deal with it?

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Bubble99 · 14/01/2009 23:04

Yes. My DCs are at my nursery and I work there, too.

Bubble99 · 14/01/2009 23:06

'guilty conscience about how you behave when OFSTED are due.'

Huh? What are you on about?

Original poster
chloejessmeg · 14/01/2009 23:08

"Yes of course but from what I have read you seem to find your minded child a bit of a nusiance and you said something about the whole point of childminding is to be with your own children."

I can't be bothered to count the amount of times I have said I love CM and love having her here. She is not a nusiance but I need to be able to go to the loo or whatever without her following me (which she does). I explain about 1 min after the comment about being with my own children that it came out wrong in the heat of the arguement as the thread was moving so fast and I forget that on Mn you have to word everything so carfully if you don't want stick for it for 2 weeks. I went on to explain what I meant and I am not going into it again, read back if you want to know as I am getting bored of repeating myself

OP posts:
LesbianMummy1 · 14/01/2009 23:08

your own dc's at nursery where you are thought major problem was that people saw having your own children as a cm would make you prejudiced one rule for cm's another for nurseries?

you say cm's cook registers and get cornflour out

naturalbornmum · 14/01/2009 23:11

Chloe

My laptop is going to die so I will have to go. But just wanted to add that this is what children of that age do, my 7 and 4 year olds often follow me round - part of your job I would assume. Prehaps as others have said this child would be better in a different setting, maybe someone with more experience of school age children. Best of luck anyway.

Original poster
chloejessmeg · 14/01/2009 23:13

Yes I know it is part of my job, which is why I was asking on here for ideas for the best way to provide care for her!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OP posts:
Bubble99 · 14/01/2009 23:14

Oh I see what you are trying to say.

No. Unlike CMs, who have time to phone the parents of all the 'illegal' mindees usually stuffed into their house, to pull a sickie and cancel them. Or get a load of art stuff out to the bafflement of mindees who are used to being stuck in front of CBeebies/stuck in pushchair or car on school runs all day.

Our OFSTED inspector can arrive at the door at any time on any day unannounced.

And we don't have a TV.

Bubble99 · 14/01/2009 23:15

And on that cheery thought I will say goodnight.

blueshoes · 14/01/2009 23:16

The nursery manager at my dcs' nursery uses the nursery for her son. I think the staff actually prioritise the other children over her son. Nurseries are far more transparent places and they have to be whiter than white otherwise parents who shell out a small fortune will complain. 'Tis the difference between nurseries and CMs.

mumsonthejob · 14/01/2009 23:17

I just survived my 1st day of minding and came on for a bit of friendly suppot... eff that!!!!
Some of your responses were soooooo damn harsh.
chloejessmeg (I understand and support ya!!!) keep doing what your doing and don't ask noone for nothing it's more hassle than it's worth!!!!!
I have my on 2DC if they think that of you, it does'nt bear thinking about what they got in store for anyone else??
Unbelievable

Original poster
chloejessmeg · 14/01/2009 23:22

Actually the absloutly crap nusery I worked in for 2 years had great recomendations from a big proportion of the parents because the manger was very good at blagging her way through things. In fact, before I worked there she got caught hitting a child and convinced ofsted and the police that she didn't do it and even managed to get the childs mum to leave him there.

I am not saying CMs are better than nurseries and I hate this debate on the whole, but want to say they are not all what they seem.

The manager made life hell for any staff that would question anything and they were all too scared to say/do anything.

This nursery has now been closed down (although not 100% sure on final reason).

OP posts:
LesbianMummy1 · 14/01/2009 23:23

chloe cat me if you want and will give you some more ideas

Original poster
chloejessmeg · 14/01/2009 23:27

mumsonthejob - Thank you for that. There have been some lovely people on here too but the negative ones just get right on my nerves!! I need to hide thread really but I want to know what is said about me and then I can't help but reply which just feeds the thread.

Do you use a childminding forum? I can send you the link to a very nice one if you would like some proper advice? I wish I had posted on there, not here for this post as I would never have been jumped on like this on there. Would have got helpfull advice and support, even if it is just to say it is normal and you just need to do the best you can.

Would post on there as well but don't really want people to make the connection between me on Mn and me on the childminding forum iyswim? I just like to keep things seperate. But from now on, I am def going to use that forum and not this one for CM related questions. Much more friendly and helpfull.

OP posts:
Original poster
chloejessmeg · 14/01/2009 23:30

Thanks LM1 - I am so tired tonight and can't talk much more about this but I might well take you up on that offer tomorrow

OP posts:
JodieO · 14/01/2009 23:34

You should be glad to hear comments from both sides imo, I wouldn't want to just hear people agreeing with me for the sake of it, surely that constitute advice?

JodieO · 14/01/2009 23:35

*That doesn't

Original poster
chloejessmeg · 14/01/2009 23:40

Yes, I would like views from both sides, but some of the posts on here if you read the whole thread are rediculous, personal and insulting. Really unhelpful and uncalled for.

It is not a matter of agreeing/disagreeing with me as I was just asking for advice as to how to help this child and what is the best way to deal with the situation.

OP posts:
Joolyjoolyjoo · 14/01/2009 23:45

Jings! CMs vs nursery- whatever! To me it is different strokes for different folks. Actually my kids have been in nurseries, but the real reason for that was because I was worried they would get so attached to a cm they would love her more than me !

Chloe, all I was going to say (before I waded through the pages of debate) was that I'm not a cm, but I have a 5yo (reception) dd a bit like this. dd2 is fantastic at playing by herself, but dd1 constantly wants attention, and it IS wearing. I try to encourage her to draw/ colour things for me and let me see them when she is finished, and she IS getting better at occupying herself, which I think is a good thing. I was an only, and my gran minded me 2 days a week. in those 2 days she carried on her normal chores, while I played happily on my own for the majority of the time. I still loved being at my grans, but I learnt to enjoy my own company, and appreciated any time my gran spent with me. I still love my own company (hence the reason I sit up for hours after poor DH has gone to bed!)

Anyway, what I am trying to say (but waffling on inanely, in fact!) is that I think it's a good thing for you to gently encourage your mindee not to need 100% of adult attention every minute. Set her tasks, flit in and out, talk to her while you both do other things- that isn't neglectful, IMO! Good luck, and I hope you continue to enjoy your childminding

BuckBuckMcFate · 14/01/2009 23:49

This thread is CRAZY!

cjm, I can't believe the attitude of some of the people on here towards CM's

If you can be bothered to trawl through the bile, there have been some posts offering good ADVICE

(And I think you've done really well not to get nasty back at some of the postersnobs on here who are obviously hoping to get a rise out of you)

Original poster
chloejessmeg · 14/01/2009 23:57

I know, I think I am just going to ignore the nasty posts now as it is getting silly and isn't helping anybody. Although easier said than done.

Thank you both for your lovely posts

OP posts:
blueshoes · 15/01/2009 08:47

joolyjoo, from what you write about liking your company, you sound like an introvert (nothing wrong with that, I consider myself one as well ). However, it is likely that your dd1 is an extrovert. Same with my dd and my ds - they are very sociable and will always prefer company to toys. Dd 5 is also so much better at entertaining herself, all of this happening in the last few months.

I too have to get my dcs to try to occupy themselves - that's life. What I want to avoid is using a carer for my child, who not having been exposed to one like my dd, thinks that dd should be able to occupy herself by reception age. As if there is something wrong with my child because the carer is prevented from getting on with other things. It is just dd's personality but she will get better. At least at a nursery, you have a better chance of getting carers with no preconceptions and more carers with time and space to play with my dd when she requires it.

I find in any case that my dcs are much better at entertaining themselves in a nursery setting because there is so much going on and friends to play with. When they get home, they revert to being clingons, which is understandable because they miss me. Hence a CM-type family setting is not always the best for this type of child.

blueshoes · 15/01/2009 08:54

chloe, "I am not saying CMs are better than nurseries and I hate this debate on the whole, but want to say they are not all what they seem."

This line about parents not knowing what goes on at nurseries is trotted out time and again, like we are all absent sheep who are hoodwinked by the wily managers and carers.

As if parents don't drop in nurseries at all times of the day. As if parents don't peep into the rooms before they go in - you know, after 5 years of using nurseries, I still do this especially with a pre-verbal child. As if children, after a certain age, don't themselves tell their parents what goes on at nursery. The carers may not tell me who hit my dc at nursery that day due to procedures, but my dc sure as hell will. I barely speak to my nursery manager - she has no opportunity to blag to me.

If I was afraid about what goes on behind closed doors (and I am), I would sooner use a nursery - which is a far more open environment with more and older children - than a CM working in her house.

Joolyjoolyjoo · 15/01/2009 17:18

blueshoes- lol! I think most people who know me in RL would think it hilarious that I might be an introvert, as I am honestly quite the opposite ! As a child my mum encouraged me to use my own nous to entertain myself, hence my approaching other little children when we went on holiday/ when I went to school/ anywhere new, with "hello, little girl, my name is Jooly and I will be your friend!" Sometimes it worked and sometimes it didn't, but I have done much the same all my life, even when dd1 was a baby, and I had to make a whole new group of friends. There is a big difference between enjoying your own company and being an introvert! I don't need other people to amuse me. But sometimes I like their company. As such, I am fairly confident and socialise widely- I am quite happy going to a conference of 400 people for a weekend without knowing anyone in advance, for example. But I actually think the ability to socialise and be a person that people want to have around begins with being comfortable in your own space, and not coming across as clingy and needy. To be able to use your imagination to entertain yourself can never be a bad thing, IMO. It goes along with being independant- minded, and this is why I encourage dd1 to play on her own. As it is, she seems too worried about wanting other people to like her, and wanting to fit in (already!), while dd2 doesn't seem (and never has seemed!) to give 2 hoots what anyone else says/ thinks. I worry less about dd2 (although she can be a little troll in her own way!)

thebody · 15/01/2009 19:31

Blueshoes, I really dont understand your post.
Would you really save your own child IF another child was in more danger...thats not civic duty thats being a decent human being...

But I think I understand the antipathy to cms, you would rather be the one who builds up the strong bond with your children and are afraid that a cm would usurp that..
You are wrong you know, my mindees are lovely and we share a great bond but they always look out for mum and dad at home time just as nursery children do....

There are great cms and great nursies and poor cms and poor nurseries.. thats recognised facts...

And Chloe, by the time this thread is over mindee will be have past driving test so take heart.. whose up for a debate on working or stay at home mums.... lol!!!!!

blueshoes · 15/01/2009 19:41

If there was any chance my child would be a serious harm, I would save him/her. I would not even look at any other thing but my children. You can call me an indecent human being, but I call it maternal instinct.

I have no issue with cms and the usurping of the bond. My children DON'T form bonds with their carers in that way at all. This is from observation. My dd formed a close bond with a particular carer in the toddler room. But when she moved to a bigger room, she did not miss that carer at all or even recognise her sometimes . Mothers of nannies also report the same. It does not trouble me.