Mindee that doesn't play on her own?

[chloejessmeg]

I only have 1 mindee and only for 9 hours a week, who is in full time reception. But the hours she is here, she wants me to sit and play with her the whole time, and won't sit and do anything by herself. I am not saying I want her to completly entertain herself while she is here, but I have my DD who is 1year old and soon a newborn so she needs to be able to do something. She likes to do stuff like drawing, playdough, pictures etc but won't do it unless I am sitting with her, doing the activity with her which isn't always possible. If I am dealing with my DD she just keeps asking me to do x with her, or says she needs help with stuff I know she can do on her own, and won't do anything even for 2 mins. I bought her lots of stuff in the sales to try and keep her busy, but nope, still won't do it on her own. I think she will be better if/when I get another mindee of similar age but I am only getting enquiries for babies and I don't have an under 1 space.

Has anybody else had this problem and how do you deal with it?

What do you mean by "which begs the question..."

... whether you are the best childcare option for this child.

chloe, I have this problem with a mindee who is also in reception, I have worked really hard with this child and is now able to play independantly for a little while. I use the carrot approach i.e Say whilst changing nappies I give mindee tasks to do something like can you draw a picture for so and so's mum and dad (usually another mindees parents, seems to work for some reason), if you do that I can change/do blah blah quicker then we will have more time to play. I also give tasks such as helping my own children setting table, calling DH for dinner, any little jobs than can be done beside me which helps mindee as we can still talk/discuss school day etc.

But I really don't see this as a big issue. I only posted my OP as I was in the childminder section anyway and it is something that came in my head that I wander if any MN CM have any useful advice. It isn't harming her, she isn't missing out on anything, she is happy and so is everybody involved. And to be honest, have received some rather mad responses and I actually think next time I have a simple question to ask, I will use another forum where people are not so judgemental on something so silly.

If I came on here saying I was desperate because I couldn't cope with her and my DD and the mindee is miserable because she doesn't have constant attention and children to play with. Then yes, some of the responces would have been appropriate.

'mad responses', 'judgmental', only CMs can reply?

So there is right answer and a wrong answer. Pray tell what the right answer is. But heck, I am not a CM so what do I know and last I checked this is a public forum for parents.

When did I say that only childminders can reply?

chloe, here: "I only posted my OP as I was in the childminder section anyway and it is something that came in my head that I wander if any MN CM have any useful advice."

And yes, people have been very judgemental. I am not talking about you, I am talking about some of the rediculous posts earlier in this thread. Like people saying I can't cope with one mindee, how am I going to cope with more? When I never said I couldn't cope and was just asking a simple question.

And yes mad responses - like people saying that mindees are more important than a CMs own children

Yes, I was asking CM for advice, that isn't to say nobody else can post? Completly twisting words there.

If you look round the CM board, there are lots of people asking for CM advice. That isn't saying ONLY CM can reply, just that is who the post is aimed at because it is a CM related question.

Yikes - Chloe, you have my sympathy here. I don't actually think you worded anything wrong - I get what you mean. I watch a 5 year old reception child and he's the same. It's the age isn't it? It does make things tricky - but I find being well planned and keeping them busy is key here.

Now, as far as being the wrong kind of care, that's totally unfair. My mindees parents LIKE the fact I have a 3 yr old and a baby (and an over 8) as he is an only child he gets to feel "family". And I think that is right!

He IS hard work, but no doubt all of the children including my own (!) get equal care. And it's usually the baby, toddler and 5 year old all on my lap.. but things have to get done, they have to eat and the baby needs his bottles too. But this isn't a bad thing. We are usually have a cuddle while we are doing this.

Have you tried involving her in the care of your baby? Or helping cook/make snacks? My own dd is much the same, and her helping satisfies her need to be with me.

chloe what a nightmare!

IMHO the aim of a good childminder is to "treat children with equal concern" - that means that sometimes the reception child will need to do somethign by themselves once in a while so you can deal with other things - if you had more than one mindee would all these harsh posters be berating you for not spenmding all your time with the clingy one?

No its only because the other 2 kids involved are your own that people have got bees in bonnets.

Sorry you got this reaction from people - how judgemental! I agree that the reception child should be able to manage several spats of solitary play of say 10mins at a go. Reasonable of you to think that and mayeb worth speaking to mum abotu the clinginess - is the child like this at home for example etc and think of strategies with mum to overcome it

"if you had more than one mindee would all these harsh posters be berating you for not spenmding all your time with the clingy one?"

No, but the answer would be the same. I would not put a clingy child in a CM, family-type setting because that CM is on her own. I would put her with a nanny or in a nursery where more hands make light work.

Fine to explore strategies to reduce 'clinginess'. But if they don't work, and there is no guarantee, then the answer is to change childcare, rather than change the nature of the child to suit the childcare. That is putting the cart before the horse. I don't feel comfortable with a CM pushing my dd to be less clingy before she is ready. I can see dd will get upset. That is not fair to CM (who does not have the authority of a parent) or the child.

Why do you assume that anyone would be pushing a child to stop being clingy. There are gentle ways to do everything- I wouldn't assume the worst.

Parent/childminder relationship is very important and I do not see any reason why this can't be resolved with everyone involved. The mum is at home too with this child, so a family setting is very normal to her. One of the loveliest things ever said to me by a mum was that she was comfortable with me looking after her child and that my care was as good as her own.

No doubt if it didn't work out both sides wouldn't force the child to be in a harmful situation.

I am all for gentle methods working. And if not, to change the situation.

I can understand some parents liking a family setting. But whatever childcare a parent chooses, they are paying for a service. And this is related to the issue of whether a CM prioritises her mindees over her children. The answer is this should not be an issue at all if all children can occupy themselves at some point and the mix of children work.

Not all family situations with more than one child are ideal, especially since a demanding child who IMO is acting in an age-appropriate manner could be shortchanged. Therefore, CM family-type situations are not ideal for all children. Just saying that if faced with the prospect of paying for a service, I would choose the service that best fits the child, rather than choose the service that best replicates my family situation (which may not be ideal).

Agreed blueshoes

I think in this case - these particular parents have chosen a c/m setting so a solution that suits all parties needs to be found.

I see what you are saying, but she is happy and so is everybody else.

it's impossible to give any child 100% attention, she's not getting it at school, probably not at home, and defo wouldn't get it at a nursery! i would have thought the job of a good childcare provider would be to encourage independent play ...esp at her age....you're right to be concerned...(if that's the right word)

I agree with Blueshoes.

I know I'll be shot down in flames, but this sort of debate highlights exactly why we chose nursery or private nanny over child-minding.

I have so many friends who have left CMs after disagreements about the needs of the mindees vs the CM's own children.

As I parent, I think you are automatically conditioned to look after your own offspring first. Anyone who really believes a CM will treat mindees equally with own children is surely misguided?

If there was a fire, who would you rescue first?

If two children ran way in opposite directions, who would you go after first?

Two friends of mine have had real life situations which confirm this.
In one, a CM was in the park when a large dog came racing towards her and her two charges (own child/ mindee (my friend's child)) CM lifted up her own child out of the way, but dog bit mindee...

My other friend had had a CM from nursery age through to Reception, when it began to become clear that the mindee was significantly more academic than CM's daughter. Another friend witnessed a worrying incident in a coffee shop where CM was undermining mindee in order to stick up for her own child - really quite nasty, bullying behaviour.

It happens. I'm not saying that chloe is necessarily this sort of person, but you have to recognise the basic, human instinct to protect your own children first.....?

whippet;

extreme examples i'd say.

is any form of childcare brilliant?... nope.

Whippet I agree with daftpunk that these are extreme examples. And you think, in a nursery, where it is at least a 1:3 Ratio, they are safer in a fire? I once worked in a nursery and when a fire alarm went off, you try getting 3 non walking babies out by yourself. And to be honest, private day nurseries are often over ratio at some points - usually at least on staff lunch breaks.

But anyway, how is any of this relevant?

Chloe - it's relevant because although you are protesting that it's not the case, some of your earlier posts give the distinct impression of irritation about the fact that this mindee's 'clinginess' (some would say engaging, friendly personality?) is preventing you from doing thigs with/ for your child.

DaftPunk - examples are not as rare/ extreme as you might think - I have many more, I just didn't bother to post them all.

I think good nurseries are rather more organised than you give then credit for. The one my kids went to had a very clear fire evacuation policy, and in fact we even witnessed it during a false alarm which co-incided with a pick-up one day. Staff from older rooms are assigned to baby rooms in case of emergency to carry non-walkers.

You must be lucky. I have worked in lots of nurseries and they are all awful and I would never put my DC in one.

And as for the rest of it - I give up. If people still don't believe me there isn't much more I can say. TBH it doesn't matter to me if you think I am not good enough for this child. I KNOW that I do an excellent job and it is sad that I will no longer use mumsnet for childminding advice. Will just stick to Mumsnet for my own DC, because I am not being paid for them so it doesn't matter as much.

totally unfair to Chloe I think, she was asking for advice, if she was only concerned with her own kids why would she care enough to do this.

I have never sent any of my dcs to nursery, loads of bad press, just as much as cms. everyone has a tale dont they?

As for the fire and dog example!!! what the hell!! you would save the kid in the most immediate danger wouldnt you, be it your own child, a mindee or a complete stranger...