Very erm, devout seeming AP ...steer clear?

[marmadukescarlet]

Those of you that know me will be aware I cannot seem to recruit an AP for love nor money out in the sticks with a disabled DS.

An Italian with AP experience, has worked as a teacher of SN children in high school (although she is only 21) but quotes a little scripture in her CV! 'I'm generous, honest and patiente because Jesus told:" Love your neighbor as yourself "(Matthew 22:39)'

She is obviously a 'non fit' with her current family as she can come at short notice - this is what worries me she has either been unlucky with her family and is desperate to get away or she is disloyal and flighty and may well leave me in the lurch.

Beggars can't be chosers perhaps, but I don't want to be so desperate and employ another nutter depressed AP.

I've lost all confidence in my ability to make a choice, help me!

Disclaimer - I am not saying that religeous folk are bonkers.

Marmadukescarlet, I think you behaved much more reasonably than many would.

Not only did you demonstrate a huge amount of patience (which I'm surprised you had to spare, given the circumstances) and kindness (the preparation, trying to accomodate food prefs, lifting and laying the ap) but you sought out advice and took the time to review the situation as well.

What else I wonder would the ap have liked you to do?

I fear that in such situations (and this is an assumption) that APs (some obv, not all) have rose tinted views of the job, regardless of how specific the employer is of the requirements etc. Therefore, the reality bites!

ABC i m no longer AP (thanks god ) and would never recommend to anyone to become one. And yes I read almost whole conversation as the more i read the more i got upset of how you all supporting her and seing this only from her side of story. I had to respond as i wanted you all to see the point from AP`s side too.

And for your info. all the families i worked for, were happy with my performance and we still keep in touch (even with one of my ex mb`s mother she is really nice old lady). So i belive I was a nice, considered and very thoughtful Ap who respect their way of life even tho i was coming from totaly different background and beliefs. As i have mentioned before its giving! and taking( tho i didnt take much but in general it was ok).

ok annh then why on earth would anyone employ an AP or a nanny if they knew she has left couple of families in a very short time and has no references!? And prepair to leave her kids with them? I can only think that as she( MArma) is finding difficulty to find someone to look after her kids due to her(Marma) not being easy going host family.

And Marma, i know how difficult to find trustworthy people to look after your precious ones but think about it you are in a situation that your son needs special attention therefore you need to be accomodate and comprimise more for the sake of you child/ren. As i asked before, what happends if an AP dont button up 3 button but 1? does it really matter? for me NO. You should give people a time to settle and understand your way of life. Cause if you are nice to people, people will be nice to you too.

What goes around comes around.

Actually BG, many APs are put off by my DS' mild disabilities they think he will be hard work (or drooly and backwards?) - I have written refs in Slovakian, Czech, Hungarian, French and Finnish and 3 of my ex ap are happy to engage in email correspondance about us with any AP who speaks their language or has poor English.

This AP said she had written, not emailable, refs from 2 previous AP positions which she would show me when she got here, she said she needed to come straight away as her current family were being horrible to her.

My first contact from her was Friday morning and she arrived Monday night, we were unable to email when the library was shut as her family didn't have/didn't allow her to use the pc.

I though I was 'rescuing' a good AP from a bad situation, I know some families treat their APs very badly.

Her refs basically just confirmed where she worked, whom she worked for and the ages of children she looked after and how long she was in that postition.

She at no point had sole charge of either of my children in the few days she was here.

During her 4 working days (remember she was an AP+ so 7 hrs per day) she loaded and unloaded the dishwasher daily, she did 4 hours worth of ironing, she sat for 3 hours and watched TV with DS when I'd asked her to play with him, she took DS for a walk round the paddocks(20 mins),she wiped the kitchen worksurfaces daily, she hoovered the hall and porch, she hoovered her own room, cleaned her own bathroom and stripped her bed. For this (less than 12 hours work) she earned 4/5 of her weekly pocket money, had full bed and board, free access to the internet from the laptop in her bedroom and used £10 credit on the AP mobile phone.

BG it is commendable that you persist in trying to defend the indefensible.

And to answer your question re the buttons, doing up the buttons keeps them on the hangers. Of the 11 shirts she ironed she did up one button on one shirt. The rest were slipping off their hangers and getting creased.

But actually buttons are not the point it is more a case of being asked to do something reasonable, agreeing to it and then not bothering.

This is particularly important with regards to safety (Stairgate) and disregard for my property (damp patches on the downstairs ceiling due to repeated flooding of her bathroom).

yes but according to you! i m defending the indefensible. Whoever post on here(except me) all is/were host families. I wish we could hear from ur ex AP`s point of view.

Im not saying there are no bad APs. I was just reading your post and all the replies, and thought i shoudl give my honest opinion from an ex APs point of view as it seems you and your fans just want to blame on your ex Ap without not knowing APs view.

PS: you still didnt responded to my question regarding to shirts buttons

sorry just saw your respond regarding buttons

well...i never button up shirts and they all stays on the hander, beside why 3 button sorely buttoning up 1 would keep them stay on hanger.

Reasonable...? to who only to you Marma, see not everyone does button up shirts.

And yes I totally agree with you regarding staircase its not acceptable!

I have replied to the shirt buttons issue, although may have been xpost.

You have not accepted that you got the wrong end of the stick about me calling a meeting with the AP in the kitchen (to quote you again 'first minutes of her arrival by asking her to leave her stuff and come to kicthen'). Despite it being pointed out by myself and one of my 'fans' (LOL) that the meeting I called was after 1.30pm on her first working day when she had decided to take the morning off, not her first evening where she was given a very pleasant welcome.

If you only button up top button the yoke (shoulder bit) of the shirt can sag.

I don't ask for 3 buttons done up. I ask for collar button (no 1) miss a button and do up no 3. This keeps a freshly ironed fine cotton shirt crisp and crease free.

If you are going to bother to iron it properly is it not worth hanging it well to make it stay looking crisp?

marmadukescarlet. My heart goes out to you. Childcare is difficult enough without the heartache of feeling that you are being rejected because of your sn ds. Please do not waste any more time answering BlueGreen's insolent and careless questions and remarks. It is a waste of your time and not worth the energy.
I am looking forward to hearing how your summer ap works out. She sounds lovely.

Thank you SA for your kind words, it is heartbreaking to think that a person would reject your child with no knowledge of them (his pic is on my profile) especially when he is so affectionate and kind.

You are right, I shouldn't allow myself to be drawn into a debate. I just felt so wronged as I consider myself to be a kind and generous host who gets along with all of my AP's.

In my OP I allude to a depressed AP, she became an AP as her parents divorced which caused her to have a breakdown and drop out of University. Coming to England in this state was a poor decision (both by her and of my recruitment process) and during the 5 months she was with us we supported her as best we could and her mental health was far better when she left - although I was exhausted. She wrote us a reference and we are still in email contact.

MDS..me smells a troll ??

You have been very reasonable. I am a vet on the au pair / nanny circuit and I have had girls lke this too.

Always prepared their room with flowers , food and wine in the fridge ( ours live in a sep annaexe with their own kitchen ) , toiletries in the bathroom...selection of DVD's and CD's to listen to , magazines , welcome cards from the children etc etc.

One repaid me by leaving me 8 black bin liners full of rubbish to clear when she left including 15 empty pizza boxes!!!And a big box of her stuff which I later agreed to courier back to Germany when she couldnt find another host family to take her. Cost me £90 and she never even emailed me a thankyou.

Blue Green some ua pairs are marvellous some are not. They all come from different cultures. They are not slaves but they are paid to help and not shop when they should be working.

Blimey it all kicks off on a weekend

MDS do not give this another thought! Good riddance to bad rubbish and roll on the next (absolutely fantastic) one.

Blue Green you are so an AP, and with your "slave" comment, I'd hazard a guess at Eastern Europe/Romania.

Marmaduke has not been at all unreasonable, you are right having an AP is about give and take, but it is not give by the family and take by the AP. Living in someones home, eating their food, using their facilities and taking their money = work in my eyes, That's how the world works no?

If MDS wants her shirts button up a certain way, then so be it. That is called doing your job correctly and funnily enough in return you'd get loads of perks!
Now either apologise to Marmaduke for being so rude or blardy bugger off!
Honestly!

Nicely put ingles!!

Ta ABC
I've never been rude on MN before. It's quite liberating

I'm proud to be the cause of your liberation ingles

You have all been kind and it is really appreciated.

MP, I think I smell the same thing as couldn't find any other posts so either that or a cowardly namechanger.

Honestly, what a palarver! I've never been involved in a tussel on here - although watched a few - bit of an eye opener!

Mummypoppins and Marma check your noise`s girls as I have just become a member today ( you can find out by checking my profile or ask admin to tell you).

Ingles2, No you are wrong, Im not an AP and No Im not from Eastern Europe. Unfortunately, in Marmas situation she cant be picky about how her shirts should button up etc. All I was saying if you are nice to people, people will be nice to you too, what goes around comes around.

And as of your language I can see how rude woman you are so I wont go down to your level. And if Marmas not happy people reading and commenting on her post she shouldnt write in here. So who are you to tell me to bugger off?

Marma, if you are not happy, people criticising you the way you behaved/acted I think you shouldn't write in here you should discuss this with your fans as you may know there are people who wont agree how wonderful host family you were/are...

Hope you will find someone who does button up your shirts the way you ask them to do, and know how to use your Dayson vacum cleaner and knows how to be perfect housekeeper for you and has satellite navigator to find her way back from station so you dont need to pick her up tho, you mentioned her english is very good but didnt understand why she needed to hand the phone to someone else to ask you direction)

And I really hope you find a nice AP or AP+ for your son not only for your domestic chores tho im not saying they shouldnt help with those chores.

Good Luck,
BlueGreen

No... I'm telling you quite clearly bluegreen that really we don't need small minded, petty, unhelpful, clueless,comments like yours for someone who is having quite a hard time at the moment.
Now..
kindly...
BUGGER OFF!

quite hard time...? for what? dont get stress dear Get a life and try not to look things from one side only. And as for your nice! kind! comment"bugger off"...after you you broad minded!, intelligent!, low self confident who thinks swearing would solve problems and helpful! lady

bluegreen, actually quite a few mums on this site were au pairs themselves in their younger days. If people feel that someone is being out of order, they will say so.

I have noticed a few comments from people (not on this thread) equating au pairs with servants, which I find a bit . I also think that some people are less than honest about how they treat their APs, because the stories I hear on here, don't match up to what I hear from my AP in real life.

But I think you picked on the wrong person to criticise here!
marmaduke was looking for some signs that her new AP was trying to do well in the job, which seems reasonable enough.

Bluegreen you have come on this thread with the express wish of sh*t stirring...hence I've reported you.

I was going to stay out of this silliness but I feel that bluegreen has way overstepped the mark with her last few comments... So BG I have this to say - if you're going to start questioning peoples intelligence, how about you learn a basic grasp of the English language before you do so? I'm sorry if this is harsh but you really are out of your depth here. MDS seemed to be nothing short of accomodating to her AP+I'm sorry but if she wants the shirts hung like that, so be it lol.

how narrow minded. So it is ok to swear at me if s/he thinks like you but its not ok for me to defend myself tho I DID NOT swear at anyone! even to the person who sweared at me!!!
As for my basic! English, it is not my first language so i dont care whatever you say or think about it. And Im sure my English is better then your German, French, Urdu some Spanish and some Middle East languages(these are the languages I'm fluent with) Im sure you can do better missiparles Beside, with my basic English i made myself understood otherwise you wouldn't rush here to respond me ( i`m sure site admin will be happy to see that their site getting popular everyday)

What can i say to you ingles2 i think you are childish and cant take criticism (tho it has nothing to do with you but i guess you like to jump )and reported me( tho i have no problem with it as i m sure MN admin will see who is been rude here) If you cant stand other peoples opinion why bother to post, dont post or make a note saying that "you are not happy with opposite thoughts so please dont respond unless you are thinking like me"

Bluegreen, welcome to mumsnet.
if you stick around, I am sure you will find that you've got a lot in common with many other posters on here (some may even speak more languages than you do!). but please do tone down the aggression, what do you expect when your first sentence of your first post is to call someone else a bitch? of course you are going to attract an aggressive response, but that isn't what this site's about.