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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

Original poster

Very erm, devout seeming AP ...steer clear?

148 replies

marmadukescarlet · 09/05/2008 13:59

Those of you that know me will be aware I cannot seem to recruit an AP for love nor money out in the sticks with a disabled DS.

An Italian with AP experience, has worked as a teacher of SN children in high school (although she is only 21) but quotes a little scripture in her CV! 'I'm generous, honest and patiente because Jesus told:" Love your neighbor as yourself "(Matthew 22:39)'

She is obviously a 'non fit' with her current family as she can come at short notice - this is what worries me she has either been unlucky with her family and is desperate to get away or she is disloyal and flighty and may well leave me in the lurch.

Beggars can't be chosers perhaps, but I don't want to be so desperate and employ another nutter depressed AP.

I've lost all confidence in my ability to make a choice, help me!

Disclaimer - I am not saying that religeous folk are bonkers.

OP posts:
mummypoppins · 10/05/2008 11:36

good luck with her.......I have had 5 au pairs ..........1was fab..........2 were ok and 2 terrible.
Its a lottery!

Original poster
marmadukescarlet · 10/05/2008 11:46

My AP record...3 fabulous (although 2 were live out mother's help type)...2 I could have quite happily thrown out onto the street - I asked 1 to leave after a week!

But the last one had such a negative effect on the whole family I had decided not to have another...

OP posts:
ingles2 · 10/05/2008 21:52

Hi MDS...how are you love....?
Just wanted to say that current AP left her last family without references, said she wasn't paid enough etc
she came, she's fine,..not fantastic but it's early days. Give it a go I think....

Nighbynight · 10/05/2008 22:52

I have employed 2 APs who were changers. One had been kicked out of 2 families without references before she came to us. They were all 3 very good APs in our family though.

One common reason why APs change family, is that when they first arrive, they dont have a clue what they are walking into. But after one family change, they are more ready to be realistic.

Janni · 10/05/2008 23:54

Could you take her on the firm understanding that you are giving her a one month trial and that if, at the end of the month you are unhappy, or she is unhappy, that the contract can be terminated?

I was a rubbish au pair and my first family got rid of me after a month. (That was 23 years ago though, so I'm just about over it!)

Original poster
marmadukescarlet · 11/05/2008 13:44

She is arriving tomorrow evening! I think she is a bit ...well, er, useless or needy?As even this quite simple arrangement was rather unnecessarily complex.

I could hear the woman at the coach ticket counter say quite unpleasantly to her when she asked a qyestion "I'm not serving you again" so either AP is a pain or the woman is imaptient with non English 1st language speakers.

We will see, I shall start by being a very mean strict person as my last one walked all over me as I'm too soft with them!

NbyN She lasted 2 months in Brussels 2 yrs ago and 5 weeks this time. I am a little perturbed by her complete lack of emailable refs - she is 22 yrs old. She says she has a written one from Brussell and Manchester.

ingles fine thanks, and you? Just a bit worn out lots of routine hosp stays in London for DS, DH been away lots and no-one to hold the fort here.

OP posts:
Janni · 11/05/2008 14:09

Oh good luck! Keep us posted!

ingles2 · 11/05/2008 20:44

MDS Anything I can do to help? I'm not far away.....
Don't worry too much about references, after paying out all that money to Smart Aupairs and then getting a load of old rubbish with copious glowing ref's all written by their family, I've come to the (expensive) conclusion they mean bugger all....
So fingers crossed for tomorrow, just be kind but firm (very firm ) but you know all that all ready...
Now...
Can you come and support me on the diet thread pretty please x

Nighbynight · 11/05/2008 21:28

Hope it goes well. Nothing you've said so far rings very bad alarm bells, so fingers crossed that you'll be lucky. There must be a reason why she left the other families, but it could be something like that they didnt treat her with respect. (one of mine left her previous family after they told her to eat in the kitchen, and stay out of the way when they had guests.)

A couple of my APs have been complete numptys with computers, so the lack of emailable refs doesnt particularly surprise me either.

MrsRecycle · 12/05/2008 10:25

Good luck for tonight - its good you are doing a 2 week trial - don't be afraid to just let go of her and don't feel sorry for her. An AP is meant to have enough funds to stay in the UK for 2 months and their flight home.

And don't rush around sorting out her room/accommodation - I used to do this for every AP and they ended up putting all the nice accessories in a cupboard/rearraning the furniture.

Hope you are feeling better.

cheapskatemum · 12/05/2008 20:34

Hey, best of luck. Are there threads on Mumsnet for extremely tired mums with disabled DS? Do you get any respite from Social Services?

Her family don't sound very Christian to me!

cheapskatemum · 12/05/2008 20:40

ingles2, I had exactly the same experience with Smart Au Pairs! Would never use them again! Did you know that the au pairs don't have to pay a bean to register with them?

Original poster
marmadukescarlet · 12/05/2008 21:11

csm I do pop in to the SN area from time to time and they are very friendly with much advice.

I don't get any respite and don't have a SW, apparently anyone who is educated and articulate doesn't need one He is only 3.5 so probably a bit young to go away for the night without it being more stressful for all concerned. I get DLA for him which I use to help pay for an AP.

Well, it is nearly 9 and she isn't here. She was origanlly due to come on the train at 4pm - close by and handy - but then couldn't get a cheap fare.

She booked a coach ticket to a town nearby (8 miles) to arrive at 7.30pm without checking in advance with me. I asked DH to come home early from work to collect her as I would be putting DCs to bed (DS takes ages to settle). DH took DD as she is very excited.

At 7.30 AP calls to say stuck in a qui (I guess queue ) in Kent on a motorway. She says tell DH to wait she will come soon. I say "no" a little exasperatedly as I feel she should have called earlier. Eplained that DD was with him and needed to go to bed, when she arrived she must telephone us and DH will collect her.

Still no call, her supper is now cold and crisp! Dh concerned about her waiting in the dark so as soon as he finished his supper he went to wait at the bus stop.

Aha, she has just called will be at destination 15 mins. She didn't apologise but said "It isn't my fault".

I am still a little as she has deleted her profile from APW - not even a deactivated message, completely gone. I know she has a GB mobile but when I did 1471 it said 'caller withheld number' (rather than 'we do not have thie callers number').

OP posts:
cheapskatemum · 12/05/2008 21:57

Keep us posted - you could write a blog! (If you weren't so tired of course). Keep on about needing SW and respite, even if not overnight, carers can come to your home for 2 hours in the evening, for example. Every family with a disabled child is entitled to an assessment by the Children with Disabilities Team.

Best of luck with new ap!

laura032004 · 12/05/2008 22:00

I hope it's all going well now

MrsRecycle · 13/05/2008 09:21

I do know a stretch of the M20 was closed last night but she should have at least apologised. It doesn't bode well that she decided to get a bus instead. Doesn't she have a young persons railcard?

I think you need to clearly define the boundaries - have you done her contract yet? On it it has all contact details - home address/passport number/next of kin etc - I always get us/AP to sign it immediately upon arriving. I'll send it to you now.

A few APs I know deleted their profile as soon as they got a role - a bit hasty. But you are right to be on your guard. Won't don't you ask her why she withheld her number? Fingers crossed she is okay...

mummypoppins · 13/05/2008 09:29

Good Luck MDS.............keep us posted. We all have our own tales to tell of nightmare AP's so you will get planty of support here.

And remember....dont let he be too needy. She is here to help you not the other way around!

x

Original poster
marmadukescarlet · 13/05/2008 10:15

Thanks for the support everyone and that info csm I didn't know that.

MrsR yes contract would be lovely thanks.

WELL, I have to say I do not think she is going to make the grade.

She has the most apalling table manners I have ever seen! She eats from her knife, keeps her mouth open and makes so much noise. This may sound unimportant but we believe that mealtimes are important social family time and manners are essential.

This morning at breakfast DS kept say "cup and spoon" and pointing at her as she loudly slurped her cup of tea with a spoon - which he is always being told off for (not tea obv) She also doesn't eat normal breakfast foods and today polished off 4 huge slices of homemade banana, date and walnut loaf (nearly half a 2lb loaf!) and 2 fig rolls. I pulled her up about her table manners this am, saying either drink from the cup or put tea in bowl as we believe setting an example to the children etc.

She did not thank either DH for collecting her or me for making her a meal at 9.30 last night. All the questions she asked were about things to suit her eg what can I eat, when can I use the washing machine, etc important but I would hope she would be asking what she could do for me.

I told her last night I wanted her to do ironing this am as once set up she would need no supervision as I have work to do. But at breakfast she told me she wanted to go into town, I asked if she was working today and she said yes later. She asked me to show her round the town knowing full well I had been awake all nigh with a poorly DS and he wasn't going to nursery so I would be caring for him.

I did drop her at the train station and ask about young persons railcard but she hadn't heard of one.

She was really cagey about me having her mobile phone number and I had to force it out of her, she had her CV in her bag and I made her give me that so I could copy it onto my emergency contacts board on kitchen wall - she was not happy though.

So all in all she seems to be here to please herself, I didn't have the energy to make her work this am as so little sleep.

The photo she sent must have been from several stones years ago and I don't think I can afford to feed her at this rate!

OP posts:
MrsRecycle · 13/05/2008 10:23

Oh no Marmaduke - so she hasn't asked where the Church is either?

I think you're mind is made up already. If you can spare 5 minutes today (and everyday until she leaves), clearly write down what you expect her to do the next day and give it to her. Say that if she doesn't know how to do it you will show her tonight but tomorrow she's on her own. Then, once LOs are safe go back to sleep. Don't worry about table manners/etc just catch up on your sleep. Think about yourself.

Original poster
marmadukescarlet · 13/05/2008 10:34

MrsR I've told her where the Church is and what days it meets, she seems disappointed it's not 5 days a week like her own! She says Grace before the 2 meals she has eaten here. Also grilled me about CofE!

One of the main things she wanted to know about is which of my friends needed babysitter in the evening, as I'd briefly referred to this in my standard letter - trusted APs are always in high demand for babysitting around here.

I shall print out the timetable I created for last AP. Write a specific list of Do' and Don'ts and we will go from there...

OP posts:
MrsRecycle · 13/05/2008 10:36

I hope you told her that trusted APs needed to have fully checkable references prior to their services being in demand.

ingles2 · 13/05/2008 10:41

OH FGS!
for you MDS......
A really bad start! I can't believe she's gone into town when you asked her to iron cheeky mare!
Do you want me to come round and sort her out?

ingles2 · 13/05/2008 10:44

Actually MDS, I wouldn't wait for the 2 weeks if she's not pulled up socks up by tomorrow, tell her she has to leave asap

Original poster
marmadukescarlet · 13/05/2008 10:52

Ingles hello lovely! (sorry have abandond the diet thread, as you will all be able to tell over t'interweb how much I have been eating and I will be A Bad Influence!) yes pwease she's a blardy giant as well, much taller than DH or I!

Yes I think later she and I will have a little talk about what will be and I will tell her that due to the rocky start the trail period is now to be review after the end of this week.

I can see why she would want to check out the local facilities, I had offered to show her when Ds was better, but she seems to have very few social skills and not be able to interpret usual social clues.

MrsR yes I told her I wouldn't be offering her services to my friends until we'd got to know her a little better.

OP posts:
mummypoppins · 13/05/2008 11:04

Oh blimey MDS..........I had one like this once. the day she arrived she presented me with a shopping list of all the food she wanted and personal intems aincluding sanitary stuff. I then spent my lunch hour running round town buying it all for her.....she lasted 3 weeks.......the icing on the cake was she said she couldnt drive our car because it was diesel and would we get another one !

Be firm and if she is no good get rid after a week.

have you tried alondbury Au pairs........I recruited 2 from there.