Very erm, devout seeming AP ...steer clear?

[marmadukescarlet]

Those of you that know me will be aware I cannot seem to recruit an AP for love nor money out in the sticks with a disabled DS.

An Italian with AP experience, has worked as a teacher of SN children in high school (although she is only 21) but quotes a little scripture in her CV! 'I'm generous, honest and patiente because Jesus told:" Love your neighbor as yourself "(Matthew 22:39)'

She is obviously a 'non fit' with her current family as she can come at short notice - this is what worries me she has either been unlucky with her family and is desperate to get away or she is disloyal and flighty and may well leave me in the lurch.

Beggars can't be chosers perhaps, but I don't want to be so desperate and employ another nutter depressed AP.

I've lost all confidence in my ability to make a choice, help me!

Disclaimer - I am not saying that religeous folk are bonkers.

Thanks everyone, but DS really poorly today - been to GP and have steroids for his breathing.

I did send 15 intro letters off to APs from APW this am, have had 2 'no' and one who has no English at all - her friend that wrote on her behalf had little either!

You are wonderful at keeping my chin up and giving me excellent advice.

Have looked at the Almondbury site MP thank you, I will be on to them as soon as I can get Ds off to sleep.

We had another 'review' today, with me again being very strict about what was going on.

Ap is off to church this pm under her own steam, has done serious amounts of ironing and swept the hall.

oh MDS [hugs] for ds - hope the steroids kick in soon poor thing, you must take care of him and use the AP as much as you can. Tell her if she doesn't like it, she can walk (you probably have!) you've got your ds to worry about, you don't need the stress of her.

The way I used to deal with APW when I had a lot on my plate at home was to designate just one hour a day to log-on, send messages, send questions and then that was it. Logged off. It didn't consume too much of my time and I didn't feel that timewasters were encroaching on my valuable time too much.

oh no, she is really taking the p* isnt she.
If you made it clear what the hours/benefits were before she came, she's got no reason to be questioning them in her first week.

Summer APs should be coming online on APW at the end of this month?

We need an update mds

Any improvement?

I think I've found a summer AP - a children's swimming teacher! She sounds really enthusiastic and keen to come to our family (wrote, 'the second I saw your profile I hoped you would reply.' I bet she says that to all the families )

She says OK about DS delay said she has a 7 yr old girl in one of her swim classes with problems with her legs and 'with support everyone can acheive, this is my creed' sounds very promising!

Also AP has found another family and will be off on Saturday!!!

This will give me breathing space to recruit a good one for Sept, have a few candidates in mind.

Ds has turned a corner with the extra meds and is breathing better, although temp is still high and he has started to go into keytosis (smells of pear drops, due to his metabolic condition similar to diabetes) as been off his food due to illness. I've now got to try and get one of the gross yummy carbohydrate drinks into him!

Thank you all for the support which has given me the confidence and strength to sort out the situation. Lack of sleep/stress makes me less able to deal with confrontation.

So pleased everything is on the way up mds. You have had such a tough time recently that you really deserve some good luck Im sure the new summer ap will be fantastic. (Thank goodsness the old one is going...poor new family though!!).

Glad ds is on the way up

Well done, MS! Am incredulous that AP has found yet another family to take her on - presumably still without a reference from previous family or you!

MDS so pleased to hear that ds has turned a corner - hope you manage to get some nutrients into him.

Am so glad AP is off Sat - how did she manage to find a family so quickly after her profile was deleted? Not that you care eh? New AP sounds wonderful - I'll keep everything crossed. My AP has a df of a df who is looking for a role beginning of September - I'll get her to email me and forward you her email address.

MrsR We installed a new laptop in her room on Tues night and she reactivated her profile - I checked she has had 33 hits in the last month, 5 since Tuesday! I would appreciate the email of df odf of AP, thank you.

Thanks to all again for the good wishes.

Potential AP is scanning her refs and emailing them to me later, has said if I don't have my own floats for when she teaches the DC to swim to let her know and she will bring them with her! See she just seems happy to 'go the extra mile' and think about others.

Whoever suggested I start a blog about AP was right, it has been the most eye opening few days of my life! So much more has happened than I have written her it has at times been hysterical but intenesly irritating.

My fridge door has dropped slightly (engineer waiting for a new hinge) so the alarm goes off to say door is not shut and you just have to press/lean on the door and it stops. I explained this to her. Wednesday am I came down at 6.45 and the fridge had been turned off, I can only presume she came down after I'd gone to bed and opened the door, alarm went off so she switched it off, as she was still asleep. It was really warm, so had been off a while. I turned it back on and 4 hours later I opened it and it was off again, so I asked her and she said she'd turned it off as it was beeping so I showed her again to push the door.

She just seems to be unable to absorb the simplest instruction/information/request.

good news MDS. When will your summer AP start and can you cope till then ?

If I know anyone who is looking I will let you know.

keep us posted..sometimes the madness of it all keeps us going!

x

Hi MDS... am so glad things are getting sorted and ds is improving...
Am gobsmacked AP has managed to find another family so quickly! Poor poor family...
I like the sound of your Summer AP though

I've come to this thread quite late on mds but I'm pleased to hear that ds is getting better and am sorry to hear of all the hassle you've had.
I've joined cloudberry's agency too! I felt I didn't want to have the hassles we'd had again and I rang for a chat, without committing myself to anything. I was still mulling it over when she contacted me to say she'd heard about someone who appeared to fit the bill i.e. is fluent in both the languages I'm looking for! I'm not sure yet that this particular ap will come as she doesn't like dogs and we have a (very friendly) dog. I can but ask, though. I love having references I can check and other info given me from the outset so even if she isn't the one for us, I'm hopeful somone else will be. Thanks ingles and cloudberry for the recommendation.

MrsR I have a document which ingles kindly sent me but would you mind sending me your contract too, please? I'll send you a CAT for convenience but please do ignore it if you feel you don't want to be in contact.

who is this Nora of which you speak? Is she the person who runs almondbury?

Strewth, the internet is slow atm!

I've just googled the Almondbury one squiffy and it's a different agency to the one Nora runs. CAT me if you want me to send you the details of Nora's agency.

She's gone!

She came out of the door with her case so I told her the boot was open and went back in to check my laptop and mobile were still in her room, when I came out she was still standing there waiting for me with her case! She eventually realised I wasn't going to pull it down the drive and lift it into the car for her!! Although I did have to help with the lifting as it was enormous!

But as we were driving to the station I said kindly (more so than I felt) that I hoped she was happier in the next family and they were more suited to each other.

And she told me, quite unpleasantly and in front of the children, that she had never had anyone complain about her as an AP before and she knew her job.

So I politely pointed out that I had experience of many AP/MH's and she had been an AP twice, once for 8 weeks and once for 5 weeks- and she'd started looking for a new job one week into this last one!

Her room smells disgusting and I've opened to windows - she did, hoever, vacuum it and strip the bed - I haven't checked the laundry to see if she's pinched it .

hope you get better luck for summer and beyond.
Can you pinpoint any one question, that you could have asked her before she came, that would have given you enough information to suss her before she set foot in your house?

It is so difficult, I really sympathise. Now we are in Germany, the AP situation is so much easier than in the UK, because APs can come from any country, so there is a much bigger choice and the ones I have had have been very well educated, and keen to study in Europe.

Good idea nbyn, my summer AP is German and sounds great.

The first question I might to add to my (MrsR's) questionaire is 'What is your typical days food intake, starting with breakfast?' I ask what food they like/dislike but this one only ate cake and biscuits for breakfast in HUGE quantities. Fine for DD can understand that this is not suitable/healthy but DS was furious that he had to have cereal and toast whilst she polished off a huge plate of goodies in front of him.

But the main problem I had with her was that she seemed to be completely unable to accept instruction, information or advice.

eg I taught her how to iron a shirt and asked her to put them on hangars with the top and third button done up, I showed her on the one I'd ironed and left her to it. When she'd finished the first one she'd done had the top button done and nothing else and the others (10ish) had no buttons done up at all.

I showed her how to close the glass shower screen when I shoed her how to use the shower, I explained that if she didn't pull it level with the bath it would run down onto the floor. She got through 2 whole loo rolls between Tuesday and this am mopping up the flooded floor.

I explained about the stairgate, why it was important to close it - child with physical disabilities and no sense of danger. Yet everytime she went through it she left it open. 'Oh, sorry no problem' she quipped each time I mentioned it but it didn't register with her.

I showed her how to use the dyson, pulling out and putting back the rear hose. Several times she called me to pull it out for her as she didn't know how and then each time she put the 'stick' back without pushing on the hose which makes the latch lock on and you have to half take the dammned thing to bits and reassemble it!

So is there a polite way to phrase 'do you do as you are asked to?' or 'Are you dim and need to be given the simplest of instructions at least 20 times?'

I await the collecteve wisdom of the AP/Nanny employers (or anyone actually) on here!

hangers not aircraft housing

You sound bichy, god help whoever accep ur Ap role.

Remember Ap`s here to learn or brush their English, not to be slave! You have to undersatnd from their side too. They leaved their home, friends and way of life and came here to gain new experiences and new way of life providing some! help in return. Anyone can lost their way(it seems she did even in the begining by bumping you!) and its normal her to ask you to take her from station as it is a new place for her and she has limited English to find her way.

I can see you have lots of supporters but that doesnt mean you are/were right about what you did or how you did its just shows you are not the only bicthy host family! which is sad unfortunatelly. And at the end it shows how bad host family you are as she wanted and did leaved in a week!!!

Instead of saying " me me me " always, try to be nice to her and be undertstanding host family. You showed your face even in the first minutes of her arrival by asking her to leave her stuff and come to kicthen so that you can bombard her what you want and how you! want. You could have said " leave ur luggage and have a cup of tea with me " then you could have bombard her with your wish list.

Dont forget, Its GIVING and TAKING.

Am only wishing good luck to whoever take your offer. Poor girl. Feel sorry for her

Sorry BlueGreen, cannot agree with you. Marmaduke doesnt come across as bitchy at all. Are you her recently ex Au Pair, by any chance??

My APs live in clover, they are paid more than the average, and I try to be thoughtful about little things like passing on phone messages, and giving them lifts to the station, as well as treating them respectfully.

Yes, host mothers have to be thoughtful, but so do au pairs. They must be able to remember instructions, where the safety of the child is concerned, for example.

No, I`m not her ex or present or future Ap and not planing to to be honest.

Of course, they have to be thoughtful and learn and try to remember all the instructions! but come on give them sometime to settle. So what, if she didnt put 3 buttons on shirts but one. If Marma was thoughtful host family her ex AP wouldnt leave her in first week!

I have done AP jobs for couple of families and they all gave me nice references but i never remember me giving one for them!

As long as you (AP`s) keep them (host families) happy this thing will work. Its like they saying "my way or no way" to be honest i m glad that her ex Ap left her as it seems she doesnt take crap as i was.

Well done to her. Hope she finds a nice family where she feel home and treated like one of them not like slave.

Sorry Blue Green, but I can only assume that your post is misinformed.

MDS, hope you don't mind...

MDS spent a considerable amount of time looking for suitable childcare and I'm sure considered all aspects required from the AP and the AP still felt able to disregard / ignore these.

I find it unfortunate that there are childcarers out there (AP's and Nannies included) who are downright rude and offensive to the people who are (like it or not) paying our wages. It is also unfortunate that I too make mistakes which my MB might sometimes be frustrated about but I make damn sure I bend over backwards to compensate for these. I am always polite, apologetic and feel that perhaps if MDS had found an AP who was able to offer her such basic manners then the situation would have ended differently.

If you are the ex au pair I would suggest that you spend time reading this post in its entirety in the hope that in your next position you will not make the same mistakes.

Please ignore my spelling mistakes, I felt that your message warranted a quick response as its so far off the mark.

Thank you nightbynight

Bluegreen, you have misunderstood much of what went on - this will be long and boring but.

to quote you
You showed your face even in the first minutes of her arrival by asking her to leave her stuff and come to kicthen so that you can bombard her what you want and how you! want. You could have said " leave ur luggage and have a cup of tea with me " then you could have bombard her with your wish list.

Actually she arrived on Monday night, her coach was 1.30 hrs late she didn't call until her arrival time. DH and DD were already there waiting and she expected them to sit at the stop and wait for her. He brought DD home to go to bed and went back for AP once he'd eaten his supper.

When she arrived here DH carried her case up to her room which had fresh lilac from the garden, a whole heap of L'occitane toiletries and a box of fudge that the children had made her to welcome her.

She then came down to where I had cooked her some supper (chicken breast, boiled new spuds and broccoli followed by apple crumble)

On tuesday her first working day she unloaded the dishwasher and then told me she wanted to go to the local town, I took her to the train station at 9am. I pointed out that it was a working day.

When I went to collect her at 1.30 she was a 10 minute walk from the house, the 3 bags she had were not luggage but a pair of new shoes, a sainsbury's bag and her handbag.

At the time she called and demanded I collect her I was at home looking after my ill 3.5 yr old who had a chest infection on top of his usual breathing/heart valve problems - he is pretty blue (low oxygen sats) at the best of times. I had just got him off to sleep and to collect her I had to wake him and put him into a car seat.

I think I was well within my rights as a host to insist on a review as to what she felt is the role of an AP+ within the family.

In fact it was she that showed her face from early on, by asking for the morning off on her first working morning, she showed that the only person she was interested was herself.

When an person takes a job as an AP+ (which is up to 40 hrs per week on some contracts) they realise full well that they will not just be 'brushing up on their English' - in fact her English was amongst the best I'd heard from an AP.

I have had many sucessful APs, one who is now resident in the UK and is my DS' one to one at his school - a job I helped her get despite the fact it would mean I lost my best Mother's Help ever, because she has a natural affinity with children and was wasted as an MH.

You seem very bitter BG, as NbyN says - exAP?

Thank you ABC, I realise that you are a professional childcarer and it is a great relief to me that you do not think I behaved too unreasonably give the circs.

Bluegreen, you didn't even read the OPs posts correctly. She did not ask her AP to drop her bags in her room and come speak to her within minutes of arriving. AP had arrived on the previous evening, been fed and left to settle in and only on the next day (after AP had decided to take herself off to explore the local town on her first morning) did OP ask her to come and discuss her duties. You appear to be only one here who feels sorry for the AP "having" to leave within the first week. I suppose it doesn't strike you as at all suspect that this is the third family the AP has left after a very short time and that she appears unable to provide any references?! Hmm, wonder why that is ....