Niece's baby girl and childcare

[avecmum]

Hi, I'm going round in circles in my head my niece has asked me to look after her little girl for a day a week when she goes back to work next month. My niece works in finance and works long hours and her partner works too. I know it is hard going back to work I have had 3 children, all who have grown up, none have had children of their own yet and I am more than prepared to step in and help them when they do. My sister works for herself and helps my niece a lot and is also going to look after her granddaughter when my niece goes back to work. I did explain I am actively looking for work as finances are getting tighter for us. Part of me would love to but part of me feels I am being put upon, which is also my partners thoughts. I do feel honoured to have been asked as i love her lots. I would have to go drive to my niece's house and look after her for the day, (while my sister will look after her grandaughter at her own house) I know that already as I live in the opposite direction to her place of work. I have looked at houses for sale in estate agents windows recently when we have all been out, just being nosey really to see how much houses are in that area, and the comment was said last time, "you cant be moving far as you've got child care duties". It was said in jest but I would help anyone. I have an elderly parent who has dementia, only the early stages and they are totally in denial and i drop everything when they call. I take them shopping a day a week and go round and clean another day a week for them, which i have done for the last 3 plus years. I have explained this when my niece first asked me and they know this so nothing more has been said. I have my elderly parent, my children to be there for when they need some help, my partner. Half of me would love to help, I feel honoured that my niece has asked me. I remember when mine where first born and i had to return to work my mum helped me and they went to nursery one day a week when they were slightly older. I just feel i'm getting back on my feet and looking for work feel things will become difficult and nasty if i don't say yes. Just wanted someone outside of the family's view of this.

Absolutely not. Bad form of them to even ask. You should not need to give a reason.

I've very honoured you asked Betty but I just can't commit the way you'd need me to. I need to find full time paid work and that's already complicated around caring for Granny (incidentally does your sister help with your Mom?). I'm happy to help in an emergency or for extra child care as and when, but I wouldn't want to mee you around with work and Granny.

Totally agree - apart from enjoying your own 'time' now you have elderly DPs to look after, they should be your priority.
And quite frankly if you niece works long hours in finances she's hardly likely to be on NMW so she and her DH need to plan and budget appropriately.

She has asked
and you are absolutely entitled to say no
its not even your child - it’s your niece! I wouldn’t even justify it
you sound very lovely and caring and I wonder if they’ve asked thinking you’ll just say yes

Thank you so much, for getting back on this. It's actually my sister in laws daughter who has had a baby, I just think of her as a sister we are married to 2 brothers if that makes sense :) So she doesn't look after my parent.

Just say you would love to but you can't as you're looking for work. I wouldn't want someone looking after my child who wasn't 100% willing/able to help. Hopefully they will feel the same way.

Just say that you can't commit to regular babysitting due to needing to return work but you can help out on an occasional basis if you are free/ love to babysit on a weekend occasionally. Help out but not a regular commitment

I just feel i'm getting back on my feet and looking for work feel things will become difficult and nasty if i don't say yes. * *

So despite the fact that you have care for your parent ,are looking for work and are not a blood relative to the mother /child things might turn nasty if you refuse their kind offer?

I have said and they know i am here if they are stuck and need help for anything for i'm struggling to commit to a day a week. I have my own family, older and younger, I'll just have to see how it goes. thank you for you help everyone. Plus i know my sister in law would not change her life to look after my grandchildren nor would I ask or expect her too x

I think she’s being a CF if she knows you’re looking for work and there’s been no offer of payment.

I wouldn’t just ‘see how it goes’. You need a clear no, you don’t want it to be something that comes up again in a few months if she thinks you’ve sorted out whatever reason it was that prevented you from doing it. And you really don’t want the possibility of future resentment from your own dc, if for any reason you’re unable to help with any future gc, but have helped out now.
Be polite but firm.

Although she works in finance i know my neice doesn't earn a lot so I think that is another reason to ask me.

Of course you shouldn't feel under pressure to do this. Offering to help in emergencies is more than enough and should be greatly appreciated. You are under no obligation to do anything at all.

If your niece and her DH both work long hours in finance, and their mum is already helping out with some days, then I'm sure that they can afford to pay for good quality childcare on the other days.

If she is working long hours and not earning much, perhaps she needs to look for a different job!

Just say something along these lines. You’re happy to help at times but cannot commit to a day every week as you are looking for work yourself.

Thank you everyone x

Just tell her straight that it’s a no and make it soon or you will be guilt-tripped because “But I was counting on you being available!”

Huh?
She is a blood relative. Her niece is her brother's daughter.

Would it help if they paid you? Likely still much cheaper than nursery. Mine have been to nursery since 1 so I'm not anti-nursery, but if the option had been there for them to be looked after by a relative (even at a cost) I've have taken it.

I’d stop feeling honoured/obligated and realise she’s a cheeky cow for trying to make you give her free childcare and dictating where you live. I mean, really.

Firm no thank you, don’t apologise for not saving her thousands of pounds a year, don’t say you’ll be there if she needs anything. The baby has two parents and however many grandparents. You are none of those people!

My mum used to help with childcare but my dad has dementia and I was the one who said ‘I don’t think you can do this anymore.’ Looking after a baby / toddler and someone with dementia is too hard, and as things progress, frankly dangerous.

It’s a huge commitment and you’re absolutely not obliged. x

Yes it is my husband's brother daughter.

Don't feel honoured. It's not an honour...it's hard work and you'd be saving her an absolute fortune. Don't do it. You are busy enough. You will also struggle to get out of this arrangement.

Just say no, can't commit.
If it is true, you can say you are happy to help if there is a breakdown in childcare or emergency.

Oops. Very sorry @Trenda. I got that wrong.
You were right of course. My apologies.