Niece's baby girl and childcare

[avecmum]

Hi, I'm going round in circles in my head my niece has asked me to look after her little girl for a day a week when she goes back to work next month. My niece works in finance and works long hours and her partner works too. I know it is hard going back to work I have had 3 children, all who have grown up, none have had children of their own yet and I am more than prepared to step in and help them when they do. My sister works for herself and helps my niece a lot and is also going to look after her granddaughter when my niece goes back to work. I did explain I am actively looking for work as finances are getting tighter for us. Part of me would love to but part of me feels I am being put upon, which is also my partners thoughts. I do feel honoured to have been asked as i love her lots. I would have to go drive to my niece's house and look after her for the day, (while my sister will look after her grandaughter at her own house) I know that already as I live in the opposite direction to her place of work. I have looked at houses for sale in estate agents windows recently when we have all been out, just being nosey really to see how much houses are in that area, and the comment was said last time, "you cant be moving far as you've got child care duties". It was said in jest but I would help anyone. I have an elderly parent who has dementia, only the early stages and they are totally in denial and i drop everything when they call. I take them shopping a day a week and go round and clean another day a week for them, which i have done for the last 3 plus years. I have explained this when my niece first asked me and they know this so nothing more has been said. I have my elderly parent, my children to be there for when they need some help, my partner. Half of me would love to help, I feel honoured that my niece has asked me. I remember when mine where first born and i had to return to work my mum helped me and they went to nursery one day a week when they were slightly older. I just feel i'm getting back on my feet and looking for work feel things will become difficult and nasty if i don't say yes. Just wanted someone outside of the family's view of this.

I would say no to a regular day but say you are happy to be the back-up plan (assuming that works for you) in the case of emergency. That’s always a stumbling block for working parents, not the the actual day care arrangements, but to cover sickness, her grandma being on holiday etc.

Being the back up emergency plan doesn’t help if OP wants to look for work, though.

Well done-you have done the right thing and put your cards on the table. They are lucky to have you as an emergency back up. I hope it all works ok for you.

I think it’s more a case of back up if happens to be available, very few people have emergency contacts they can rely on 100% of the time but it have a few people on the list then case of fingers crossed one of them might be available. Having people who would possibly be able to help if stuck in traffic etc is invaluable

I’m really close to my Aunty (my mums sister), my mum lives in another country so wasn’t available for childcare and I still never asked my Aunty to do it. If she had offered I would have considered it but would never ever ask her. She has since had her own grandchildren and still does provide childcare for them, as many grandparents do.

just say you are the unavailable and have other commitments and repeat as required.

It sounds like she's just looking for free child care. Just tell her you are looking for work yourself and can't commit to taking care of her child one day a week, you can come when is convenient for you and she can pay for her own childcare the rest of the time. Some people, I don't even understand why you even feel obligated to do this, you know she's just taking advantage of you right?

Exactly this

I think you've done exactly the right thing. You can't comity to a regular day, but will help out now and again.

You are not at all unreasonable! Plus she will get some free childcare hours soon so it’s not going to be financially difficult for her to use proper paid for childcare. Looking after toddlers is hard work you should only say yes if you have fully have the time, energy and lack of other commitments.

This is genius. It underscores just how unreasonable her request is!

I think it is unreasonable of her to ask you. You have brought up your own family, and at the moment you are looking for work because you need the money. You have your own family commitments, especially as your parent is in the early stages of dementia.

Offering to help out occasionally, and when you are able, is enough I think. If it causes bad feeling then that's unfortunate but not your fault.