Niece's baby girl and childcare

[avecmum]

Hi, I'm going round in circles in my head my niece has asked me to look after her little girl for a day a week when she goes back to work next month. My niece works in finance and works long hours and her partner works too. I know it is hard going back to work I have had 3 children, all who have grown up, none have had children of their own yet and I am more than prepared to step in and help them when they do. My sister works for herself and helps my niece a lot and is also going to look after her granddaughter when my niece goes back to work. I did explain I am actively looking for work as finances are getting tighter for us. Part of me would love to but part of me feels I am being put upon, which is also my partners thoughts. I do feel honoured to have been asked as i love her lots. I would have to go drive to my niece's house and look after her for the day, (while my sister will look after her grandaughter at her own house) I know that already as I live in the opposite direction to her place of work. I have looked at houses for sale in estate agents windows recently when we have all been out, just being nosey really to see how much houses are in that area, and the comment was said last time, "you cant be moving far as you've got child care duties". It was said in jest but I would help anyone. I have an elderly parent who has dementia, only the early stages and they are totally in denial and i drop everything when they call. I take them shopping a day a week and go round and clean another day a week for them, which i have done for the last 3 plus years. I have explained this when my niece first asked me and they know this so nothing more has been said. I have my elderly parent, my children to be there for when they need some help, my partner. Half of me would love to help, I feel honoured that my niece has asked me. I remember when mine where first born and i had to return to work my mum helped me and they went to nursery one day a week when they were slightly older. I just feel i'm getting back on my feet and looking for work feel things will become difficult and nasty if i don't say yes. Just wanted someone outside of the family's view of this.

This is fine provided of course that OP is both willing, and confident she is able, to offer something like this. I am concerned though about committing to any of this as OP's niece and her family sound as though they will be pushy and hold her to whatever she offers. So their expectations need to be carefully managed.....btw how many new parents expect to have date nights?

As has been pointed out on this thread, there are a number of close family members who are more obvious providers of childcare; but the OP's family presumably know she is a caring person so have an expectation that she will cave.

Anybody who tries to make things nasty or uncomfortable for you because you could not or did not grant them a request are being manipulative. Say statements like " Permanent regular childcare does not suit me/or our family at the moment", "it doesn't work for us" or "(Name) is lovely but I have other obligations/ commitments so regular childcare doesn't work for me" Then you go quiet in front of your relative and let them speak back .....they may say something to the effect of you not getting to see the child and you repeat back "it doesn't work for us/me" You may well get a "sob" story re: finances then you repeat " I understand it is difficult but it wouldn't work for me/us"

Several red flags here - "you can't be moving far as you've got child care duties" and "things will become nasty if I refuse"

No no no - do not give in. You need to say 'sorry, I can't commit to providing regular childcare. Feel free to ask me as a one off in a dire emergency and I'll see if I can take time off from looking after my elderly dad with dementia to help you out if your own family can't.'

My friend who retired a couple of months ago was amused at the number of people who rushed to fill her time now she was no longer working - even a friend tried to bully her into looking after the friend's grandchildren once a week to give her (friend) a break from childcare!

She's strong-willed and just kept saying no thanks, I don't want to commit to anything. And she hasn't! She kept repeating this and even the most stubborn people are gradually getting tired of asking.

Be strong, OP!

You may also get your sister or other family members trying to push you to do it too but again say "It has been discussed" then change the subject. You may not be flavour of the month for a little bit but it stops people steamrollering over you and they will need to be civil to you help out in future e.g. babysitting

my niece has asked me to look after her little girl for a day a week when she goes back to work next month

It’s next month, rather than next week as some posters are saying, but I think it’s important to know when the niece asked OP for this childcare? Did she ask yesterday? 6 months ago? Have you said you’ll think about it? Have you said yes? What’s the niece doing next month if you say no?

Everything that @powershowerforanhour said. As soon as you mentioned the dementia, I also thought there is NO WAY you can do the childcare too, even if you wanted to or didn’t need to find work.
Being responsible for someone with dementia is enormously stressful and takes up so, so much time especially as things progress. And it’s so unpredictable too. What might be manageable one day can suddenly become completely out of hand the next. Does your sister help out with this or has it fallen to you?

I've got a toddler. Wouldn't dream of asking my auntie. We paid for nursery and I went part time the other days to accommodate our lives. It's the way it is when you have children. I'm amazed you've been asked. It's for your sister in law / brother to help. What about when you want to go on holiday or when your parent needs urgent help? You have your hands full.

asking to do childcare at the back to work date is a way of expecting her to cave in.

OP, have you had the conversation with your niece about being unavailable to provide childcare? If not do please tell her today/ASAP so she can look at alternatives. It sounds, if she's left sorting childcare so late before she returns to work, as though she was just expecting you to take in that responsibility.

Do be clear that you're unable to provide childcare as you already by have increasing duties for your own father plus need the income from a paying job as money is already tight. Be careful if she offers to pay towards her childcare if you yourself need a proper income (including funds for your own state pension). If she's able to pay you the same as a formal employer for the number of hours you'd need to work, then she might as well pay a formal childminder who lives closer to her so she or her husband can do pickups and drop offs, rather than you spending your own time and money to travel to and from her home to do childcare there.

Also I know another poster has said probably not to mention your caring for your elder father, but that's absolutely something I would mention as their needs will only increase.

Keep your response to her clear and simple - don't allow her to think you'll be a source of regular "emergency" cover as there's only so much time and energy you have available for your current situation, or you'll find these instances happen more than you're capable to provide help. 🌹

I once looked after a friend’s children one day a week and I hated it! Not the children, but just the tie of having to be at home on that day (my own ds was little).
I would say no because like you say, the other Grandma would not look after your grandchildren and would not be expected too.
Supposing one of your children had a baby, they will also expect regular child care at least once a week if you’ve done it for your nieces baby and then it becomes even harder to say no.
My dc already know that I will not look after their dc on a regular basis, but I will certainly have my dgc for fun or because I simply want to spend time with them (obv emergencies too).

If she offers to pay you, you should still refuse because I bet it would only be the odd tenner or twenty coming your way, not a proper amount, and not for long either. Really, your time is spoken for - just say: 'sorry, that doesn't work for me' and don't give reasons! No explanations or she'll just pick them apart to make you look selfish when actually she's being a cf.

When did she ask? What was your answer?

I think you need to be firmer than "see how it goes". For both your sakes.

If she asked you 3 months ago and you haven't actually said No clearly then you need to do so and I would consider offering to do it for a month so that way she has two months to find nursery.

If she's only just asked you now then you need to spell out clearly that you can't. Again if you really want to here you could offer to help for a month to give her two months to find nursery.

These things need to be sorted and agreed nearer the start of maternity leave so she could ask for flexible working/reduced hours etc. She's leaving it very late - do you know why?

Absolutely do not say see how it goes - it will be harder to get out of it once you have started

I childmind once a week for my DGC and I love it but it’s totally draining! And I’m not looking for work and don’t have elderly parents.

I think you have to tell her straight. It won’t be possible for me to provide childcare for x other than occasional evening babysitting. I need to look for a job and with my elderly parents I cannot commit to anything else.

If she tantrums well let her! She should have organised her childcare months ago. It’s not down to you to sort.

Tell them you can now and then but will be returning to work soon so cannot commit long term. If they or her mum get pissy about it then ignore them and stop any help you are already giving. Do not get into a draw out debate about it with them. Give your answer and leave it there.

Not a hope, such CF behaviour! Regular child care is such a commitment that impacts your life.

I have two young kids and I pay for childcare.

I have looked at houses for sale in estate agents windows recently when we have all been out, just being nosey really to see how much houses are in that area, and the comment was said last time, "you cant be moving far as you've got child care duties

cue tinkly laugh. No way I’d even do this for my own kids. I still work, which ultimately will give my kids way more money than if I retired and looked after grandkids. If I’m no longer able to work, the reality is, I wouldn’t be able to look after grandkids.

I also fail to see how someone works in finance and makes poor money. I have a few working in this area (different aspects) and it pays very well.

You clearly don't feel that you can do this, and that is absolutely fine, but I do think you need to give a definite No to your niece so she can make other plans. Dont just leave her hanging because you feel embarrassed saying no. That will make the situation much worse. Just tell her.

It’s fine to say no as it’s an enormous commitment and I’d do it now so they can plan.
Childcare enables both parents to work so it’s shortsighted to only consider the mother’s salary.

Just say, ‘Haha, no chance! I’m applying for proper full time jobs right now. I couldn’t afford to to live on the pay for one day a week childcare, and I’m not qualified or insured either’.

Wow. Total CF. Just say no very clearly and quickly.

Just say you can't do it, I don't see why you need to come up with all different reasons, you can't do it is enough

I'm sorry this is not an honour - they want to take advantage of your good nature to get free childcare! Its actually an insult - telling them you need to be flexible as you are looking for a paid job is enough. In fact telling them you enjoy your free time is also enough - you have no obligation to them just because they are family.

I’d say, sorry but I can’t commit to
my mother’s ill health. If you need emergency ad hoc childcare - say they can’t go to nursery, or you are invited to
a wedding etc then please ask, but you’ll have to bring the baby to my house. I’ll help you if I can.