Niece's baby girl and childcare

[avecmum]

Hi, I'm going round in circles in my head my niece has asked me to look after her little girl for a day a week when she goes back to work next month. My niece works in finance and works long hours and her partner works too. I know it is hard going back to work I have had 3 children, all who have grown up, none have had children of their own yet and I am more than prepared to step in and help them when they do. My sister works for herself and helps my niece a lot and is also going to look after her granddaughter when my niece goes back to work. I did explain I am actively looking for work as finances are getting tighter for us. Part of me would love to but part of me feels I am being put upon, which is also my partners thoughts. I do feel honoured to have been asked as i love her lots. I would have to go drive to my niece's house and look after her for the day, (while my sister will look after her grandaughter at her own house) I know that already as I live in the opposite direction to her place of work. I have looked at houses for sale in estate agents windows recently when we have all been out, just being nosey really to see how much houses are in that area, and the comment was said last time, "you cant be moving far as you've got child care duties". It was said in jest but I would help anyone. I have an elderly parent who has dementia, only the early stages and they are totally in denial and i drop everything when they call. I take them shopping a day a week and go round and clean another day a week for them, which i have done for the last 3 plus years. I have explained this when my niece first asked me and they know this so nothing more has been said. I have my elderly parent, my children to be there for when they need some help, my partner. Half of me would love to help, I feel honoured that my niece has asked me. I remember when mine where first born and i had to return to work my mum helped me and they went to nursery one day a week when they were slightly older. I just feel i'm getting back on my feet and looking for work feel things will become difficult and nasty if i don't say yes. Just wanted someone outside of the family's view of this.

Just say no, that you are unable to. If they get funny over it then that shows how much they really care about you.

Childcare is their responsibility not yours. So don't be wishy washy and give them false hope as that is leading them on, be honest and straight from the start.

Providing free childcare is a huge imposition and one a lot of women balk at providing for their own children, such is the enormity of how restrictive it is.

Mic-dropping sentence here.

Also a huge responsibility. I constantly checked my own baby was breathing. I cannot imagine how much more anxious I’d be caring for someone else’s.

So sorry to quote a whole long post again!

Gosh OP, don't do it and don't feel beholden or guilty about it.

You have your own life going on, looking for work and with your dad with dementia. My mum had it and it is so so hard. 7 years.

when I budgeted for this a decade ago, a day of childcare a week was 5 grand a year. Would you give her 5 grand if you had it? If no, don't give her that in time.

This is a good way of looking at it. Plus the to-ing and fro-ing. Stressful and you'd be needing to put petrol in the car.
Just tell them that you have too many responsibilities already.

If she is not prepared to drop the baby off and pick it up, but expects you to incur travel costs and not be in your home shows how much she is treating you with a lack of respect,

at least in your home, you can put on your washing, do jobs whilst little one naps.

a polite, thanks for asking but no due to need to earn money, not incur costs! To be available for elderly father and the flexibility to go to job interviews.

if you start now, when you go on holiday will be tricky as she will have no replacement.

I think its cheeky not to offer to drop off and pick up also. I think you would be expected to do full wrap around flexing to that family's hours and not be able to be at home. It would be tiring and demanding. I never expected regular childcare from family and if they were to help I would do the ferrying around if at all possible. I agree on nipping this expectation in the bud promptly

I think the comment “ you can’t be moving far as you have childcare duties” solved the issue for me.
Its a no.

Absolutely don't be honoured she's basically asking anyone who will look after the child for free!! They havnt even said they will pay you CF!! And you have to drive there using your petrol. Why can't the child go to a child minder or a nursery ?

@Kiki880 happily admit to a bit of projection on this topic.

My SIL felt subtle pressure to commit to provide childcare to her high flying daughter, after retiring from her great career.
Money was not the issue at all.
More about the best of care and she adored her grandchildren.

Her husband died very suddenly at 69 and she is now 69, grieving, the grandchildren now at school, and privately deeply regretting thinking she would have endless time with beloved husband to travel freely.

She can only voice her regret and grief quietly to her sisters-in-law.

Like other posters I think it is a massive ask from your own child but unfathomable from a niece.

No, no, no, NO!

• you are already stretched to full capacity with your elderlies
• Any spare time you have would be spent bringing some more money into the house to improve your finances
• No offer of payment has been made
• You are being expected to go to their house to child mind, thus losing an entire day being able to do your own chores
• You have your own children who may also need help
• whats in it for you?

I suspect you are known in the family as a lovely, all round helper, and quite frankly these CFs are abusing that and your good nature.

You could offer to e back up emergency child care IF you aren't working, but you don't have to do regular childcare if you don't want to.

This is not an honour, this is cheek. !

You don’t need to justify your decision OP. She asked, you have considered her request and it simply isn’t possible for you to mind a baby on top of everything else.

Thank you all, we all met up for lunch today and I broached the subject, my neice is going back to work in January just after Christmas so I felt I needed to and I've said can't commit to a day a week but did say I'll help out if there is an emergency. I'm not sure how well it went down but at least i have said it now.

Well done, @avecmum

If they turn nasty, OP, then you know you've done the right thing by refusing.

@avecmum well done! Please don’t feel guilty at all about this, it’s so right for you. Brave of you to protect your boundaries.

Well done, OP, but do just be careful about "emergencies" being invented and them spreading into a longer timescale - also about flying monkeys who could well be coming your way soon

Exactly. It's like this "we get to control your time, if you object then you are a bad person" attitude. If you give in, it's like you're consenting to their view of you as a person lesser than them.

Agreed. Wise words.

Any hint of weakness, and you will be their first port of call.

Don't answer.
Don't be available.
Have excuses readily available if caught out.
They know you are the family softy.

The best thing you can do to protect yourself is be unreliable, unavailable, unreachable, ...until the penny drops and they move on to the next mug on their list.

You can do the above with little dialogue.

The key is to NOT engage by NOT answering your phone.

Start being a bit more unreachable NOW to prepare for January.

Say no now, the latter you leave it, the harder it will be.

I think it was very cheeky that she asked you. Yes it's very nice and helpful if family can help out with childcare to reduce nursery costs but I would never have asked, only if it was offered.

I wouldn't definitely be saying no as if this is their expectation now then I would imagine they would make things very difficult and awkward later if you could no longer help. You've definitely done the right thing. They should have had a baby if they couldn't afford the childcare!

Just say no, explain you are stepping up the help with your elderly parents. They should have factored in childcare before getting pregnant but I would offer to step in for emergencies.

No you shouldn’t feel at all obliged, to be honest think it’s out of order someone asking (except where absolutely no other option/emergency) as then puts that person in an awkward position. She should just book a nursery place/childminder or cut down her hours like the rest of us. We wouldn’t ask family to come and cook our dinner or do our ironing unless we were ill etc and caring for someone’s baby is a much bigger responsibility than that so not sure why people think it’s acceptable to ask family/friends to take on such a big commitment. Usually just to save them some money so can afford to maintain their lifestyle at the family member’s expense 🙄

feel things will become difficult and nasty if i don't say yes. Just wanted someone outside of the family's view of this

You're clearly used to having your needs and feelings disrespected. I'm glad you drew the line at this, but unfortunately it is probably convenient for them to use you in ways that you might not even notice.