Niece's baby girl and childcare

[avecmum]

Hi, I'm going round in circles in my head my niece has asked me to look after her little girl for a day a week when she goes back to work next month. My niece works in finance and works long hours and her partner works too. I know it is hard going back to work I have had 3 children, all who have grown up, none have had children of their own yet and I am more than prepared to step in and help them when they do. My sister works for herself and helps my niece a lot and is also going to look after her granddaughter when my niece goes back to work. I did explain I am actively looking for work as finances are getting tighter for us. Part of me would love to but part of me feels I am being put upon, which is also my partners thoughts. I do feel honoured to have been asked as i love her lots. I would have to go drive to my niece's house and look after her for the day, (while my sister will look after her grandaughter at her own house) I know that already as I live in the opposite direction to her place of work. I have looked at houses for sale in estate agents windows recently when we have all been out, just being nosey really to see how much houses are in that area, and the comment was said last time, "you cant be moving far as you've got child care duties". It was said in jest but I would help anyone. I have an elderly parent who has dementia, only the early stages and they are totally in denial and i drop everything when they call. I take them shopping a day a week and go round and clean another day a week for them, which i have done for the last 3 plus years. I have explained this when my niece first asked me and they know this so nothing more has been said. I have my elderly parent, my children to be there for when they need some help, my partner. Half of me would love to help, I feel honoured that my niece has asked me. I remember when mine where first born and i had to return to work my mum helped me and they went to nursery one day a week when they were slightly older. I just feel i'm getting back on my feet and looking for work feel things will become difficult and nasty if i don't say yes. Just wanted someone outside of the family's view of this.

Yes I'm worried about the commitment at the bottom of me, as I just don't know what the future holds with my parent. My dad looks and talks just fine and no one would know anything. So much has gone missing over the last few years, things disappear, and no one apart from myself and my partner see the ups and downs. He has accused people of getting in the house but just shouts 'get the police in' and then in another breath says 'no one comes in my house when I am here' He is 90 and sleeps a lot and is VERY VERY strong willed and minded. He would disown me as much as look at me and i know that! He has waved me out the drive in the past and told me to go when i asked him to not give my children sweets and laterly when he got a pack of digestive biscuits out to give to my dog. He shouted at me no one is telling me i cannot give a dog biscuits. He has fallen out with lots of people over the years. My brother, his son was tragically killed in an accident many years ago so i feel for the last 30 years i have had to make sure my parents were ok and i feel i have made a rod for my own back but that is my nature. I have said i will get a camera for him to put up in the house and have just bought one on amazon last night and this morning and he has just called me to say he doesn't want me to get one so i have to send it back. The situation is delicate at the minute but as far as he is concerned he is on top of the world, basically my family have kept him going, as you do. I can talk to no one apart from my partner, i do write it all down in a diary so i don't go mad and that does help. The only way i can explain it is, he very much someone who lives in the 'man world' of the 1950's, i should respect him because he is my father, his word is final. Sorry I have totally gone off my original subject but thank you for your help with the the childcare issue i do feel better :) x

Just tell them that your father is increasingly reliant on you so you cannot commit to a regular childcare arrangement

Yes thank you, now i have written this all down, you have all made me feel stronger x

She should have factored in childcare costs when she and partner decided to get pregnant.

Agree with PPs - you have to be firm and actually use the word no, even if you have to wrap it up a bit.
And let's be clear, you do NOT have childcare duties. Cheeky fuckers.

DO NOT DO IT!

I looked after my DN when my SIL went back to work for 2 days a week. It's a massive pain in the arse arranging your life around somebody else's childcare needs; I would never do it again!

Say no if you want to say no. But please do not give this mum who will struggle for childcare all your essays about your dad or working or moving house. Of course while it’s horrible especially what you’re going through with your dad, she doesn’t need to hear all of that as your answer because it just sounds like any excuse to say no. Just leaving it as ‘I’m so sorry, i need to get a job so i can’t commit to a day a week’ is enough

So they’re basically trying to wangle free childcare!!! They need to realise the reality of having children and the cost involved. Or perhaps they do and that’s why they’re asking you to do a day. 😏

I would just say that you are so touched to have been asked but, you don’t want to be unreliable what with your mother being unwell and also that financially you can’t commit either. Explain that you are currently looking for work as you’re struggling with money. This will be when you see whether they’re asking you because they genuinely want you to have their daughter or whether they want free childcare. If it’s genuine then they will offer to pay you!! This would be best case scenario because it would potentially be useful to you also (if you want to look after her that is).

I’d also explain that you’re more than happy to have their daughter in last minute scenarios or if they want to go out in the evenings etc. I don’t think you can say fairer than that. And if they don’t like it well- that’s on them.

@avecmum "you cant be moving far as you've got child care duties" I definitely think you are being used. if they want you to babysit on a regular basis then they should be taking baby to you, not the other way round. the other problem i see is your parent with dementia. what if they get worse and they really need your help on a dailly basis? would your niece be understanding if you were not suddenly available? what if your own children were to have babies, would they be still expecting you to baby sit their's and not your own grandchildren??

Why do you feel honoured that your niece has asked you for help? It makes it sound like you feel like she's the one doing you a favor here.

It's up to you if you want to commit to this childcare arrangement, but in your shoes I'd at least make it a condition that your niece brings and collects her child to and from your house.

Don’t feel honoured. She wants to use you for free childcare. I can’t believe she’s talking about this as though it’s your responsibility. The brass neck!

1 day a week is a big commitment. The thing is once you start doing something it becomes your job and an expectation. Then people get arsey when you can't do it and are sick or want to go on holiday. They forget all the times you've helped them and he upset because you're letting them down. I wouldn't commit to a regular day/time ect. A one off in an emergency is a very different thing.

Would she pay you ? If you’re looking for work and she’s prepared to it may be a good idea ? If she just wants free childcare then not such a good idea

I never understand these situations.

When we decided to have children, we worked out how we could afford it.

I accept that things change: child minder quits, nursery place falls through, mortgage goes up etc. However, these situations seem to be when the parent is about to return to work they start thinking about who is going to cover childcare for free?

No way!

She will try to suck you in by asking if you can do it just for a few months or something, but you need to stand firm.

"I have an elderly parent who has dementia, only the early stages and they are totally in denial and i drop everything when they call. "
I pretty much stopped reading at this point. Do not commit to childcare. Do not. Dementia isn't a slow, gentle, peaceful, predictable decline. There are some steady manageable bits but lots of precipices. Parent gets UTI? Dementia signs suddenly go crazy. Parent gets a painful broken or rotten tooth that needs extracted? Good luck with that . And so on and relentlessly on.
Best say no to the childcare now than take it on and then give it up when you are utterly drained- nobody else sees the day to day input and strain on carers for people with dementia (google "hostess mode") and as it will suit your neice not to see it, she won't.

my niece has asked me to look after her little girl for a day a week when she goes back to work next month.

When did she ask you and did you agree?

If your niece is going back to work next month under the impression that you have agreed to do free childcare one day a week, you need to tell her today if you’re not going to do it!

I completely agree that you shouldn’t do it-it’s unpaid labour, not something to feel honoured about! BUT, you have to tell her you can’t do it so she can sort alternative childcare.

It’s ok for her to ask, it’s also ok for you to say No you cannot. My auntie looks after my cousin’s ( her other nieces baby) 2 days a week, along with my other auntie but they do it because they have the time / are really free otherwise.. if it doesn’t work for you, and you are worried about the commitment it’s difebiteky better to say no now, as it will be harder to wiggle out of this later..
there tonnes of childcare options including childminders and nurseries and everyone manages to find a solution

‘That doesn’t work for me’ is a phrase I learned here. The first time I used it (with great trepidation) my daughter just shrugged, (sky did not fall in), and made different arrangements. I was amazed.
You grew up with an authoritarian father and you learned to agree and say yes probably before you were out of nappies, as did I. Times have changed and it’s ok not to agree to every service you are asked to do.

I’d avoid excuses about being a carer and needing money OP as CFs keep rearing their heads throughout the years. Just say no. Btw, it’s not an honour being asked to provide free childcare- if you doing it was so important, you’d be paid your worth. Not trying to be nasty but I just wanted to remind you of facts here so you don’t feel guilty about saying no. I wouldn’t do this for my own sister as childcare is a massive responsibility (and I’m a mother), especially when they are so young.

@Sjh15 why can’t she say about her dad? It puts it into context for her niece. I get the feeling OP loves her niece and great-niece/nephew very much.

OP you’re not letting anyone down, you simply don’t have capacity and need to secure a role to be financially secure for your own family.

It’ll be hard to say no, you sound like a close family with a slightly different dynamic. But please do say No, because you will really struggle. Good luck.

Don't do it. Your niece will have another baby or more and in a few years time, you will be doing school runs with a couple of toddlers in tow.

It's unbelievably cheeky of them to expect you to do it for free. Say no, get your husband to back you up; they might be miffed, they'll get over it.

You sound like a lovely person and are dealing with a lot.

Honestly I don't know anyone who does regular childcare for their niece! Only their own children. Just say no OP.

I sort of agree with this poster but for different reasons. I wouldn’t list all the reasons because, in my experience, CFs will find a way to still ask somehow or keep asking in the future. Eg “My parent (your sibling) has agreed to helping out with Grandad more so you can do this for me.” Or “My parent has agreed to pay you this much to have my daughter each week.” If I was to use an excuse though, I’d simply go down the route of it being a massive responsibility. You can’t argue your way out of that one.

This x1000

The costs and difficulties of childcare aren't your problem. They should have planned for that before conception. Let granny watch the kid.

Put it this way: have THEY ever offered to help YOU with of YOUR caregiving workload? No? Why doesn't that surprise me. But suddenly her offspring is supposed to be the center of everyone's universe. CFers.