Niece's baby girl and childcare

[avecmum]

Hi, I'm going round in circles in my head my niece has asked me to look after her little girl for a day a week when she goes back to work next month. My niece works in finance and works long hours and her partner works too. I know it is hard going back to work I have had 3 children, all who have grown up, none have had children of their own yet and I am more than prepared to step in and help them when they do. My sister works for herself and helps my niece a lot and is also going to look after her granddaughter when my niece goes back to work. I did explain I am actively looking for work as finances are getting tighter for us. Part of me would love to but part of me feels I am being put upon, which is also my partners thoughts. I do feel honoured to have been asked as i love her lots. I would have to go drive to my niece's house and look after her for the day, (while my sister will look after her grandaughter at her own house) I know that already as I live in the opposite direction to her place of work. I have looked at houses for sale in estate agents windows recently when we have all been out, just being nosey really to see how much houses are in that area, and the comment was said last time, "you cant be moving far as you've got child care duties". It was said in jest but I would help anyone. I have an elderly parent who has dementia, only the early stages and they are totally in denial and i drop everything when they call. I take them shopping a day a week and go round and clean another day a week for them, which i have done for the last 3 plus years. I have explained this when my niece first asked me and they know this so nothing more has been said. I have my elderly parent, my children to be there for when they need some help, my partner. Half of me would love to help, I feel honoured that my niece has asked me. I remember when mine where first born and i had to return to work my mum helped me and they went to nursery one day a week when they were slightly older. I just feel i'm getting back on my feet and looking for work feel things will become difficult and nasty if i don't say yes. Just wanted someone outside of the family's view of this.

People are unbelievable! Just tell her no and that you can't commit to it.

All these mums rushing back to work and expecting other family members to pick up the slack for them 🙄

Just so you know OP, my own MIL couldn't commit to 3 hours after school childcare for her well behaved 8 year old grandchild. YANBU to turn them down and if anyone's nasty to you about it, cut them off.

Not only should it be a resounding no op, what you need to learn to do is say no without adding an apology or feeling guilty.

She is asking you for a huge favour.

You are unable to do said favour for various very valid reasons.

Say no.

And don't apologise.

Although - did I miss why it isn't the brother asking his brother?

Ooh, I know this one! It’s patriarchy!

Indeed. Nobody should ever dream of asking a man for childcare; after all, men have really important things to do.

@avecmum ?

These people never ask men do they? Why do they assume women are desperate to look after other peoples children?

Ask her to help with your elderly parent - I assume she'll jump at the chance, because you know? Family!

If she's working "in Finance" and can't afford childcare, she's doing it wrong...

OP say no. It would be kind, perhaps, to cover the odd day when your SIL's on holiday.

I don't have a baby any more so my figures are out of date, but when I budgeted for this a decade ago, a day of childcare a week was 5 grand a year. Would you give her 5 grand if you had it? If no, don't give her that in time.

In finance covers a heck of a lot of jobs. Insurance claim administrators are in finance, but are unlikely to be raking it in, say.

Just say no. You are honoured to be asked, but you can't commit to that. You would happily do an odd day if the childminder they found took poorly and it was on a day you were free. This is the kind of thing where is best to presume they genuinely thought it might be a good arrangement for you, and will be fine with you telling them it isn't. Don't worry about justifying it to them or the rest of the family unless they do start spreading rumours about how mean you are.

Is it clear to the niece you’ve said no?

No, the neice is her husband’s brother’s daughter.

Not sure what there is to feel honoured about, they clearly see you as a soft touch. Say no.

Do not do this babysitting under any circumstances. This is not an honor. It's CFery. They want to save money and maybe to have family caregivers but the burden on you would be enormous, even for just one day a week. Your schedule would be so constricted, you'd be exhausted, if you wanted to end the agreement it would be difficult because they'd be able to say they were counting on you and couldn't get replacement childcare. You need to go back to work and this would distract you. Your parent already takes up your time and energy. And most of all, if your own children needed your help you might be unable to help them because you'd be committed to someone else. Don't even offer to help in emergencies because there'll magically be an emergency every other week. Years will pass by and you won't have had time or headspace to find a paying job and you'll wake up one day and find it's too late. If your own kids have kids you might even be too worn out to babysit them because you're worn out looking after someone else's baby.

Just don't do it.

DO NOT AGREE TO THIS MADNESS!

You have enough on your plate. You need to be thinking about retirement, not saddling yourself with a baby once a week. It's not even your Grandchild. They are massively taking the piss by even asking.

Send a text this evening :

"Hi neice,
Been pondering over your suggestion of me doing childcare once a week, and I've given it a lot of thought this week, thinking about the logistics, but sadly, I can't commit to this right now. I am caring for my parents two days a week (and they are only going to need more care going forward, not less), and actively looking for a job due to finances being a little bit tight. I wouldn't want to agree to a commitment and then have to withdraw in a few weeks, leaving you in the lurch! I hope you manage to sort something. Love Auntie"

Yeah you would think people would realise that doing childcare fo someone is a massive responsibility but people are cheeky and selfish. I think my sister is still annoyed at me years later because when she was pregnant she literally just assumed that I would have her baby, for free, because I was then a SAHM with my own baby. There would have been 7 months between them so can you imagine how hard that would have been. Almost as bad as twins! 😁We were totally skint, but we deliberately chose to take a hit to our household income/my pension etc so that I could be a SAHM for a couple of years, as DH worked ridiculously long hours, often working away all week. So rather than put all the house and childcare pressure onto me as well as a fulltime or even a part time job, it just made more sense for us as a family for me to be a SAHP for 3 years or so, even if we were skint. It did NOT include adding further stress to my life by minding someone else's young baby for free all week on top!

But yeah, apparently I wasn't a loving enough auntie. 🙄Instead my mum had her children 3 days a week for many years. They had all their breakfasts, lunches, evening meals at my parents' house and my mum bought all the nappies and other paraphernalia that they needed at her house too. As far as I know my sister didn't give her a penny. I thank god now that I wasn't soft enough to say yes to minding her kids as we would have been financially WORSE off having them as well as all the added stress of it.

Hold firm, OP. They are being hugely unreasonable to even ask you, especially in your circumstances. You are NOT responsible for their childcare arrangements and don't for one minute fall into the trap of being made to think that you should be.

As someone who has been where you are and actually taken on the role, say no. As harsh as it’s sounds their childcare issues aren’t your responsibility. It sounds like you have enough on your plate, you don’t need anymore.

Lol at it being an 'honour' to provide free childcare!

Why isn't the baby's father tapping up everyone he knows to do childcare?

If you think they'll be nasty when you say no then why on earth do you talk to them in the first place? Life's too short for shit friends/relatives.

So cheeky and entitled! Tell her you can’t afford to offer your time for free but if she wants to do the equivalent hours of cleaning at your house each week then you’ll consider a time swap 😁

Now you've made your stance stick to it.

My sister and I are very close and 20 odd years ago she asked me to look after her youngest I said no. She said she couldn't work if I didn't and I still said no as it was too big a commitment. It was really hard to say that, but she got over it and worked something else out and we stayed close. I reckon if I had said yes I would have resented it, there would have been hiccups or misunderstandings along the way and ultimately it would have spoilt our relationship.

No advice re the childcare to add to PPs but re your dad. My dad had dementia and in the early/ middle stages was also paranoid about theft. He lived with my brother and repeatedly accused bro’s friends of stealing, invariably the objects in question would be found, sometimes after I’d done a whole day’s round trip to his home to find them. He fixated on a Turkish sword his father had given him. The damn sword would be hidden by him, starting another cycle of accusations and searching. I realised there was no point arguing or explaining as the beliefs were so deep rooted. Line of least resistance and confrontation was best for everyone’s sanity.

With regards to your father, have you read Contented Dementia? It really helped us with caring for my grandfather and my father in law.

As far as your niece goes, a firm no. Out of interest, has she offered to pay you or is she expecting you to do it for free (worse than free given you’d be travelling to her house)?

You sound so lovely with so much on your plate.

You would be out of your mind to take this on.

This is not about being honoured.

This is about free childcare and you being seen as a soft touch.

Your SIL wouldn't dream of doing it for YOUR children and good on her.

Providing free childcare is a huge imposition and one a lot of women balk at providing for their own children, such is the enormity of how restrictive it is.

It is absolutely thankless too.

I wouldn't dream of involving myself in my wider family's childcare needs.

Your niece and husband need to find a better paying jobs and rely on THEIR parents more.

This is nothing to do with you.
Suggest your DP for the role🤨.

I would hesitate to even mention emergencies.

You have your own family and an infirm 90 year old father.

Your niece is a CF as is her mother.
They know well you have responsibilities but don't care.

What if a job comes up that suits you but conflicts with you providing free childcare that involves you driving to their house?🙄
You will undoubtedly be guilted for "letting them down"....

I may sound harsh but you sound too nice and too easily put upon by your family of presumptuous CF's.

Be firm on your NO.

You will bitterly regret giving an inch to family who will privately think you are a mug and wouldn't in a month of Sundays do the same for you.

Its a great trick when asked a BIG favour that you feel hesitant about, would they help me in such a way?

If not, then absolutely answer NO

Free childcare is a HUGE ask IMO.

I'm not sure you can commit to a full-time job either the way things are with your dad.

How presumptuous of your niece and her mother!! I would absolutely say no. I've already made it clear to my own adult kids that I will not be committing to regular childcare when I've retired, even though there's no prospect of any gc atm!!

This is just the start of it. You wouldn't even have a regular length of a day and the sheer audacity of them expecting you to collect and drop the child off is just beyond the pale!! Never mind expecting you to do it for nothing!!

The day may well creep into more days. Your SIL will be too busy to do it some days. Then there will be another baby and that will be landed on you too. What if you do want to help out your own kids and they start having babies too? Are you going to run a whole creche? Go back to doing the school runs and the after school activities??? Just no, no, no!!

Let them pay for their childcare the same as so many of us had to!! I had no relatives near at hand but I would never, ever have asked anyone.

My mum did do ad hoc minding for her sister's gc but I know my aunt would never have returned that favour had it been possible. Jeez I cannot imagine!!!

I see my cousins now. One retired from teaching saying firmly that she wasn't going to be retiring to mind children. She now does 3 days a week for her own gc. Another retired in her late 50s. She does most of the care for their elderly DM - she doesn't have extreme care needs but it's still time-consuming. She minds one gc (will be two soon) 2 days a week, and drives a round trip of 30 miles to mind another one 2 days a week (1 day is an overlap), and she does a care role on the remaining day. Fuck that for a life!!! Wonders why her bp has got so high...

DO NOT DO IT!! And if they are stroppy about it then they're not worth having in your life. Takers!

Your niece is assuming that you'll do childcare for her. Did she actually ask you or has it been assumptions via remarks such as the one about moving house?
You have your hands full with your dad, and that's got to be your priority. Please make sure he's getting all the benefits he is entitled to, and if you are his carer, claim carers allowance. He might just about be okay living on his own, but at 90, how much longer before you need to be round there every day? Hopefully not for a few years but you can't stress yourself out adding childcare for your in-laws grandchild into the mix.