Niece's baby girl and childcare

[avecmum]

Hi, I'm going round in circles in my head my niece has asked me to look after her little girl for a day a week when she goes back to work next month. My niece works in finance and works long hours and her partner works too. I know it is hard going back to work I have had 3 children, all who have grown up, none have had children of their own yet and I am more than prepared to step in and help them when they do. My sister works for herself and helps my niece a lot and is also going to look after her granddaughter when my niece goes back to work. I did explain I am actively looking for work as finances are getting tighter for us. Part of me would love to but part of me feels I am being put upon, which is also my partners thoughts. I do feel honoured to have been asked as i love her lots. I would have to go drive to my niece's house and look after her for the day, (while my sister will look after her grandaughter at her own house) I know that already as I live in the opposite direction to her place of work. I have looked at houses for sale in estate agents windows recently when we have all been out, just being nosey really to see how much houses are in that area, and the comment was said last time, "you cant be moving far as you've got child care duties". It was said in jest but I would help anyone. I have an elderly parent who has dementia, only the early stages and they are totally in denial and i drop everything when they call. I take them shopping a day a week and go round and clean another day a week for them, which i have done for the last 3 plus years. I have explained this when my niece first asked me and they know this so nothing more has been said. I have my elderly parent, my children to be there for when they need some help, my partner. Half of me would love to help, I feel honoured that my niece has asked me. I remember when mine where first born and i had to return to work my mum helped me and they went to nursery one day a week when they were slightly older. I just feel i'm getting back on my feet and looking for work feel things will become difficult and nasty if i don't say yes. Just wanted someone outside of the family's view of this.

There are 2 parents and also grandparents, you absolutely do not need to be providing childcare. It may make a difference if they will pay you, but would that make it harder for you to find a job as you wouldn't be able to work full time? What if your own children have kids - will you not be able to help with them (if you want to) because you are already committed to DN? I would also be wary of offering to help as one offs - if you are working by then you would have to use annual leave or unpaid leave (and you might need these for emergencies with your parent).

Can I just say. If she's returning to work next week, to say no now, will land her in a real pickle with childcare.
I would personally tell her you can do it until X date... providing you do not have any job offers in between.
I think to offer no payment on her behalf is a real cheek...
My mother was in a similar position with her own sister and minding her DN. she felt totally taking for granted and things went sour when she said she wouldn't do it anymore.
So I'd definitely recommend and end date.
Good luck!

Her pickle is her problem. Not the OP's.

@LaurieStrode
I would agree but OP has already agreed to do it.
To refuse now with one week to go isn't a way to go!

Can I just say. If she's returning to work next week, to say no now, will land her in a real pickle with childcare.

But she’s never said yes. The OP isn’t reneging on a previous long standing agreement, the niece had assumed childcare will be readily available.

@Candleabra
I thought she had agreed?
Oh bloody hell. My bad.
This is all a bit mad
It's not even her niece! 😂

So the niece is going back to work next month but you haven’t actually said yes you’ll do the childcare? Is she assuming you will or does she have a back up for that day?

When did she actually ask you about this, @avecmum ?

*She’s got a nerve asking you.
*Your circumstances may be about to change (if you get a job/caring responsibilities increase).
*If you agreed, it would be on you our terms, ie in your own home if you’d prefer.
*One day’s nursery/childminder won’t break the bank.
*Make a decision sooner rather than later so she can make arrangements.

There's a lot of unnecessary justification in your post. If you don't want to do it that is enough reason. It's fine.

Absolutely this.

I just feel i'm getting back on my feet and looking for work feel things will become difficult and nasty if i don't say yes. that's bullying, pure and simple.

Absolutely not, it's not your problem. I'm pregnant and I still believe if you choose to have children it's your own responsibility to look after them, not someone else's, if you can't afford to put them in childcare or be sahp then you shouldn't have them! If you have help offered that's amazing, but you shouldn't be expecting help.

From what you have described about your Dfather's care there is NO WAY you can take this childcare on; even if you wanted to (which you don't). You will be run into the ground.

And anyone who wants to have a child needs to plan for the childcare and costs, that is part of being a parent. So your niece & her DP need to plan for this like all parents; and no you cannot be the 'plan'.

As usual it’s the women in the family being put upon. In order of priority to help, it should be:

1. baby’s mum and dad sort paid childcare between them
2. baby’s maternal and paternal grandparents who are the blood relatives help if it suits them
3. baby’s uncle and aunts by blood help if it suits them (I.e neice and her partner’s siblings)
4. baby’s uncle and aunts by marriage help if it suits them (I.e niece and her partner’s siblings’ spouses).
5. baby’s great uncle and aunts by blood help if it suits them
6. baby’s great uncle and aunts by marriage help if it suits them

Why hasn’t your niece asked her dad (your brother in law) to help? Why hasn’t she asked your partner (her blood uncle to help)? Why isn’t baby’s dad involved in dropping off baby at yours instead of asking you to bear the burden of collecting the baby when neice works in the opposite direction? Even though you’re in the 6th category above by proximity to your relationship to the baby, you are being put upon because you’re a woman and they must know you lack boundaries and are generally willing to help. So they are pressuring you instead of asking the men in the family or paying for childcare.

I would say no and explain you’re looking for a job and need to be on hand for your dad- but that you can help in emergencies.

*Also, if she offered to pay you, as money is tight, would that make a difference?

No you have enough on your plate already. What if your children suddenly have babies together (mine did) you would find it difficult to withdraw from looking after your niece’s baby. Your parents may need more and more help if their dementia progresses (very likely).
However aside from the above it’s not your responsibility and I get how torn you are as you are a kind person. You could offer to maybe step in if your niece’s mums is unwell or on holiday or offer to babysit an occasional evening fir your niece and partner.

Also OP it is so useful to have someone if DC is under the weather who can have them when nursery can’t. Or who could cover the odd nursery training day. Don’t underestimate how valuable the offer of that sort of help could
be for them! Not that you need to feel obliged to do even that!

Be honest say you will be happy to help out if she is really stuck but you just can't commit to one day every week.
Explain that you are looking for work and tell her that you would hate for her to be reliant on you and then have to source childcare elsewhere because you could no longer do it.

They want expensive childcare without having to pay for it. I would decline & share details of a nanny because that's what they need to accommodate their long working hours.

Be very clear that because of your job search and caring duties, you don't have capacity to take on another caring role. By the way are you claiming carers allowance for looking after your gran?

Decline politely.

If you think you can, offer to be asked to provide emergency back up occasionally when the baby isn't well enough to go into nursery/school and both parents are struggling to cover it due to work. And perhaps offer to do an evening once a month so they can have a date night?

l things will become difficult and nasty if i don't say yes.

Absolutely, say no.

These people are abusers if this is the situation.

Nope. Her husband’s brother’s daughter. So she’s an in law.

Definitely say no. I look after my grandsons two days a week and the other grandparents do two days as well. I'm having to do their commitment because they're going on holiday. I had to do their commitment a month ago because they were on holiday and I'm having to do their commitment in December because of medical reasons. I will do it because my dd and sil are stuck but it's very tiring. Before you know it, you'd be expected to pick up childcare days because your sister in law is sick or has other plans.

No I wouldn’t in your situation. If I was close enough I’d help my brother and his wife 1 day per week, if I was part time, but I’m neither so they’ve had to work around each other as they don’t want to pay for childcare. I paid £50 a day for nursery for my children, never asked family. I find it a real cheek she asked with 1 wk to go, why leave it until now? Clearly because you don’t work they just assumed. Rude

’things will become difficult and nasty if i don't say yes’

Perfect. People who choose to be nasty and difficult when demanding free childcare should not be in your life. So decline their pisstaking and don’t offer up excuses or say sorry. ‘I won’t be able to.’
Childcare costs should’ve been thought through before/during pregnancy, it’s nothing to do with you.

... things will become difficult and nasty if i don't say yes

What does this mean, and what form would it take?

They don't get to ask a favour and then strop if it's refused - at least not if they're decent people - and if the above is the case I'm surprised you feel "honoured" to have been asked in the first place