Au Pair won't leave my side

[Snkt]

Hi mums,

Long post alert!

I really hope I don't come across as mean and ungrateful. I am just unsure if this is normal.

Our first au pair joined our family 2 weeks ago. We previously had a young nanny (22) who we adored!
She's really young (21) as most of them are and in general, she's very sweet, super helpful around the house and has really taken some things off my plate (house-wise) which is amazing. But we have 2 issues with her and not sure whether they should be classed as issues yet but if they continue are deal breakers for us.

1. She's not so great with little one. She looks like she's scared of him or bored to death when with him. He's almost 18 months. He has been doing settling sessions at nursery since she joined us and will be going 3/4 days a week so she will only have him 2 days a week (and one of us will always be home). She just seems really robotic with him, like he's a bunch of tasks she needs to tick, there's no bond forming and he's struggling to be with her alone (and I mean we are in a room and she's with him on another room) as he doesn't get comfort from her. So he's being more difficult than usual. and I am struggling to do work as he just wants me. If he cries she just stops in her tracks and keeps saying "sorry" he didn't let her change his diaper or take this or that. While I understand toddlers are HARD WORK, she needs to get on with it because otherwise then I need to do it so what's the point? She's left his butt let's say not very clean after poos like 3 times already so I snapped a little yesterday saying "did he poo this morning?" she said no to which I responded "okay so he slept with poo in his butt all night.." and her response was she didn't know poo could get there. I've shown her how to wipe and what cream to use to help clean better and have said many times before please make sure the wipes have nothing on them. She then later in the day apologised. and I said (after a conversation with my husband where we are getting concerned about her bond with LO) that she's been amazing, very helpful and will do some things before I think of them. I understand it's a new family, new environment and things to get used to but we are concerned about her bond with LO, that she seems to just be ticking the boxes etc and that she's here for LO not for anything else (we don't need a housekeeper). We need them to have a brotherly sisterly bond and for her to love and care for him like she would her own brother otherwise we will always be concerned and stressed. She said she understands and she's trying her best. Gave her a few tips so let's see.
2. She's ALWAYS there. It's really getting on my nerves. We have a big house. She has her own space. It's not hard to not be in my face all day yet she is. Of course she's supposed to be part of the family etc but even when you are part of the family you don't just linger around with nothing to do. You get on with your life. Yes of course it's only 2 weeks in, so she doesn't have her own life per se yet but I am finding it weird/annoying. e.g. today we came back from working from a coffee shop next to LO's nursery as he had a settling session and my husband who's injured had booked a physio and has to use the living room to avoid going up the stairs so I said to her "he has a physio coming soon so we'll just give some privacy. Feel free to go upstairs and rest. I need to stay here to open the door for the physio (as if I felt I needed to explain why we need some space) but she didn't go. she stayed. stood there. looking at her phone. then grabbed some water. back to her standing spot. blew her nose. stood there. went and grabbed water again. stood there. and it all felt like she was waiting for me so I again said (gently) feel free to go upstairs! we'll make lunch after. but she stayed. she waited for the physio to come. me to open the door. then started making her way to the stairs - VERY slowly like she was waiting for me. got to the first floor then lingered around the stairs there until I went into my office and then she went to her room on the last floor. isn't that odd? I know it's from a good place but it's a LOT. I am not looking for a housekeeper. I have already told her multiple times that I want her to make herself at home, feel comfortable to come in and out and not wait for instructions from me and that outside of what she knows she needs to do if there's anything else I will tell her. I have told her we will NOT be offended if she didn't want to watch the same shows as us or to do her own thing on the weekend (especially as my husband is injured and we are basically stuck at home). I am really concerned about what she's going to do with her time when LO goes starts proper nursery next week. I have asked her what she wants to do with her free time and how I can help as I don't believe she came here to just stay at home and she said she's done all the touristy things and finds them boring. Maybe play netball a night a week and run. she has from 8:30-330pm at least 3 days a week FREE + weekends. That's not enough and she cant just sit in my face waiting for things to do as I have told her I will have nothing for her when LO isn't here and we will be working.

Is this normal? Is it just a matter of patience?

I don't think you're a good match.

She's clearly more suited to a traditional au pair role with school age children and parents out of the house.

The job you have is more of a junior nanny or mothers help position. I think it could be done by an au pair, but it would have to be one with a background in childcare who is looking to transition to being a nanny.

Cut your losses now and look for someone more suitable (or put your baby in nursery 5 days a week), but do it nicely. I don't think she's really done anything wrong it's just a bad match.

I think your child is too young to be looked after by an inexperienced au pair. You need proper childcare.

This^^

I don't think an au pair should be changing nappies regularly

I used to think so as well but our previous nanny didn't have much experience and was only 22 and she did so well.

She's not? Her being here is literally to help with LO...and while we are working it's her responsibility to change him etc Otherwise how does it work? the whole point for us is to get support while we work

Yeah maybe you are right. She definitely hasn't done anything wrong and we only treat her well. I however will not be putting my child in nursery 5 days a week to be raised away from us all week long. It's just not what we want for him at this age.

But Au Pairs are generally for older children, school age and not toddlers.

Who was the nanny you hired with no childcare experience?

It looks like you're trying to get childcare on the cheap which I understand but this woman can't even make sure your child isn't covered in shit!

Personally, I would be worried about leaving her on her own with him, even if I’m in another room. This is a big assumption, but it doesn’t sound like she has experience with toddlers, I would worry about him banging his head, falling over etc or eating something he shouldn’t. Does she feed him on her own? Will she take him to the park etc? Sounds more like a teenager in terms of experience and capabilities. There are just some people I wouldn’t feel comfortable leaving my baby or toddler with, it’s not personal but this would include my sister who doesn’t have a clue on looking after children, certain friends, plus my mother-in-law (very little interest / clue!).

I think your expectations of an Au Pair are wrong.

I would advise full time nursery or another Nanny.

I thought au pairs were not supposed to look after children under 3?

so what should be my expectations of an au pair? These are all things we discussed with her before she joined. My expectation is she needs to take care of LO, while at least one of us is home, while we work otherwise what's the point for us? If we still need someone to help with LO or consider sending him to nursery 5 days a weeks then why would she be here? She will literally only have him 2 days a week which I already think is little.

An au pair isn't for you. You clearly require a trained, professional nanny.

They can't be fully in charge of children under 3 I think but she's not. Someone is always home. We are always doing stuff with him even when working. So she's never really left with him.

I think your gut is telling you that this isn’t a good fit for you OP and maybe best to sort this out now whilst you are in the trial period, before she gets properly settled and then has to return home.

@Tryingtokeepcalmandcarryon I agree and no she can't be left alone with him at this point. She's first aid trained. Wants to be a paed. So I hope she can handle a situation but zero confidence in that yet so she's never alone with him atm - maybe 30 min. She does take him to the park but she can't take him anywhere else for now at least.

A very quick google shows that generally Au Pairs shouldn't be alone with children under two. Another US site I saw said that to look after an under 2 they need 200 hours childcare experience.

How did you hire her and what research did you do?

I would always make sure I changed my baby at night and he had a clean bum why would you leave this to an au pair?

2 weeks is not a long time for an au pair to settle in I would say at least 6 weeks and then review.

An au pair is not a qualified nanny either.

People aren't suggesting that you keep the au pair AND use nursery/a nanny. They're saying get rid of the au pair and use nursery or a nanny instead.

Unless you are always in the same room as her, for the full 2 days she is working, then they are fully in charge of that child? You mention you have a big house, and you’re working, so she will have plenty of time alone with him and I would want to be 100% sure that she is capable of looking after a young toddler during that time. If she’s not then I would need to have a Plan b, adjust / reduce working hours or hire a nanny.

So she's never alone with him....except for half an hour at a time and when she takes him to the park?

You need a nanny or put tour child in a nursery 5 days a week like millions of other working parents. An au pair is not a cheap nanny sub, they are two very diff things. An au pair is more like a family friend or relative helping out a few hours per day. You expect too much. Sole care is totally inappropriate here

I smell privilege.

Where is she from, and what kind of agency did you get her from? Is she signed up for language lessons yet?

I ask because I worked as an au pair when I was at university (in the long summer break) and it is hard at first to know what's expected of you if the family doesn't make it clear. Unpleasant too if they make it clear that when you aren't looking after the child, they don't want you around.

Not sure why for such short periods of time you don't think you'd be better with an ad hoc babysitter, someone that has the child for the few hours a day they're needed.

You’re trying to get cheap childcare. It’s clearly not working out. You need a nanny or nursery. Why are you complaining but not listening to peoples answers? Get a nanny.

This is rubbish, sorry. How much are you paying her for this arrangement? Because, reading between the lines, I’m betting you leave her in sole care quite a lot, and then get pissed off when she’s overwhelmed and getting it wrong.

Something isn’t quite adding up for me.