Au Pair won't leave my side

[Snkt]

Hi mums,

Long post alert!

I really hope I don't come across as mean and ungrateful. I am just unsure if this is normal.

Our first au pair joined our family 2 weeks ago. We previously had a young nanny (22) who we adored!
She's really young (21) as most of them are and in general, she's very sweet, super helpful around the house and has really taken some things off my plate (house-wise) which is amazing. But we have 2 issues with her and not sure whether they should be classed as issues yet but if they continue are deal breakers for us.

1. She's not so great with little one. She looks like she's scared of him or bored to death when with him. He's almost 18 months. He has been doing settling sessions at nursery since she joined us and will be going 3/4 days a week so she will only have him 2 days a week (and one of us will always be home). She just seems really robotic with him, like he's a bunch of tasks she needs to tick, there's no bond forming and he's struggling to be with her alone (and I mean we are in a room and she's with him on another room) as he doesn't get comfort from her. So he's being more difficult than usual. and I am struggling to do work as he just wants me. If he cries she just stops in her tracks and keeps saying "sorry" he didn't let her change his diaper or take this or that. While I understand toddlers are HARD WORK, she needs to get on with it because otherwise then I need to do it so what's the point? She's left his butt let's say not very clean after poos like 3 times already so I snapped a little yesterday saying "did he poo this morning?" she said no to which I responded "okay so he slept with poo in his butt all night.." and her response was she didn't know poo could get there. I've shown her how to wipe and what cream to use to help clean better and have said many times before please make sure the wipes have nothing on them. She then later in the day apologised. and I said (after a conversation with my husband where we are getting concerned about her bond with LO) that she's been amazing, very helpful and will do some things before I think of them. I understand it's a new family, new environment and things to get used to but we are concerned about her bond with LO, that she seems to just be ticking the boxes etc and that she's here for LO not for anything else (we don't need a housekeeper). We need them to have a brotherly sisterly bond and for her to love and care for him like she would her own brother otherwise we will always be concerned and stressed. She said she understands and she's trying her best. Gave her a few tips so let's see.
2. She's ALWAYS there. It's really getting on my nerves. We have a big house. She has her own space. It's not hard to not be in my face all day yet she is. Of course she's supposed to be part of the family etc but even when you are part of the family you don't just linger around with nothing to do. You get on with your life. Yes of course it's only 2 weeks in, so she doesn't have her own life per se yet but I am finding it weird/annoying. e.g. today we came back from working from a coffee shop next to LO's nursery as he had a settling session and my husband who's injured had booked a physio and has to use the living room to avoid going up the stairs so I said to her "he has a physio coming soon so we'll just give some privacy. Feel free to go upstairs and rest. I need to stay here to open the door for the physio (as if I felt I needed to explain why we need some space) but she didn't go. she stayed. stood there. looking at her phone. then grabbed some water. back to her standing spot. blew her nose. stood there. went and grabbed water again. stood there. and it all felt like she was waiting for me so I again said (gently) feel free to go upstairs! we'll make lunch after. but she stayed. she waited for the physio to come. me to open the door. then started making her way to the stairs - VERY slowly like she was waiting for me. got to the first floor then lingered around the stairs there until I went into my office and then she went to her room on the last floor. isn't that odd? I know it's from a good place but it's a LOT. I am not looking for a housekeeper. I have already told her multiple times that I want her to make herself at home, feel comfortable to come in and out and not wait for instructions from me and that outside of what she knows she needs to do if there's anything else I will tell her. I have told her we will NOT be offended if she didn't want to watch the same shows as us or to do her own thing on the weekend (especially as my husband is injured and we are basically stuck at home). I am really concerned about what she's going to do with her time when LO goes starts proper nursery next week. I have asked her what she wants to do with her free time and how I can help as I don't believe she came here to just stay at home and she said she's done all the touristy things and finds them boring. Maybe play netball a night a week and run. she has from 8:30-330pm at least 3 days a week FREE + weekends. That's not enough and she cant just sit in my face waiting for things to do as I have told her I will have nothing for her when LO isn't here and we will be working.

Is this normal? Is it just a matter of patience?

Otherwise how does it work? the whole point for us is to get support while we work

Agree with others - you need a nanny! How it works with an au pair is that she’s basically a mother’s help - not sole childcare. One of my friends had an excellent au pair when she had her third child. She was a SAHM and just wanted the flexibility to leave the baby asleep while she took her older two children to school - or have her pick up
her older sons while she spent some time with the baby. And they got some babysitting one night at the weekend so that she could go out with her DH. The au pair was studying and so had a place to live and some pocket money. That’s how it’s supposed to work; it’s not meant to be budget childcare. If you need someone to look after your child while you work, you need a nanny or a childminder. And you’ll be paying more than pocket money for that.

I don’t think it’s possible for her to bond with the child if you are always in the room or the child knows you are very close. Of course he will run to you! And impossible for her to be herself if she knows she is being watched.
If you want to make it work, you need to bite the bullet and get out of the house and work from somewhere else on the days she had him, at least in the beginning, to give her a chance.
I actually know nannies who refuse to take on jobs when the mother is in the house the majority of the time, precisely for this reason - the child will always run to the mother, amd also acts differently when he senses the mother is around.

Another one agreeing that you want a nanny not an au pair. The qualifications for a start and expectations are so different.

Expectations of an au pair are just as wimpolehat explained. Just a mother’s help picking up a bit of slack at certain times of the day.

Au pairs are supposed to be doing something during the day (studying or learning English usually). What nationality is the nanny? Sign her up for English classes when your child is at nursery, that will get her out and also help her meet people.

But agree with others - an au pair is for older kids, and a couple of hours a day after school, to help out (eg pickups, taking them to the park etc). Not what you are doing.

OP where is she from? In my home country the phrase 'feel free to...' wouldn't be understood as a request but as an option. Perhaps she felt she needed to be around as she thought she was working? So declined the option to go upstairs as a way of making a good impression, not making herself scarce etc? If she's from some other place and especially from a non English speaking country she likely doesn't understand what you are trying to tell her but thinks she does.

You need to say to her 'Please go upstairs while husband has his physio'.

She's Australian. You can read all the OP's posts before replying by clicking view all

Look out for baby groups in library or something she could take him too
She might make friends with moms/carers there and group setting could help her interaction with your toddler

My knowledge of aupairing is years out of date, but I was an au pair to a 21/2 year old and a 16-month-old while their Mum worked from home. It was fine and I certainly didn’t follow the Mum around. I was hired through an agency and they put me in touch with other au pairs in the area so I had people to go out with- and I went out on my own too.

Hasn't she got any au pair contacts through the agency? I agree that she doesn’t sound like a great fit atm, but things could improve, I’d give her some time to bond with your LO.
I did have some prior childcare experience helping with summer camps and Brownies though.

*This is rubbish, sorry. How much are you paying her for this arrangement? Because, reading between the lines, I’m betting you leave her in sole care quite a lot, and then get pissed off when she’s overwhelmed and getting it wrong.

Something isn’t quite adding up for me.*

I was thinking the same... sounds like an attempt at cheap childcare.

I am amazed an aussie is okay with being paid 200 quid a week. Babysitters make 30 dollars an hour here so she'd earn the weekly equivalent you pay her doing an 11 hour day here. It's a ridiculous amount for what you want her doing.

There does seem to be some grey areas as to what you are expecting of an au pair. To me, an au pair helps Mum with general household chores and light childcare duties, whereas a nanny is solely for the full time care of a child.

Can I ask why you refer to your former help as a nanny, but your new employee as an au pair? What are you asking her to do differently to the previous nanny?

It does sound like your au pair is very unsure of what's expected of her, the fact that she shadows you so much - she's either got zero confidence or little understanding of what she is to do, or she's a little apprehensive of you.

If you only need her for 2 days a week, why not hire a 'proper' nanny or someone qualified in childcare to look after your little one for those 2 days?

I'm a former au pair, and have had many years of nannies and au pairs with our family.

You don't understand sole charge. If you're in the house but working, then she's sole charge of a child under 2 (or if not, then your bosses should have something to say to you). You not knowing whether he's done a poo - and her having to clean lots of poo nappies - is a sign of this. Shared charge would be more like you being on maternity leave and always about, just needing a spare pair of hands while you put a baby to sleep or with the school run.

Doesn't matter if a 'proper' nanny is more than your salary, that's the case for many people, and means you need to choose a legal and suitable alternative, like everyone else. Presumably you don't do this elsewhere, or you would have got in trouble for trying to buy a Prada bag with H&M money, or expecting an MOT with only half the cost paid, because you just really want it. It's not fair to a young woman who is in too vulnerable a position to easily say no, or to your child who won't get the right care.

@Snkt well I haven't commented on your parenting as we can't know from a few posts.

However, you have shown yourself to be an absolute arsehole especially with that stupid insta link and the repeated use of Karen as an insult.

This.

I am a mum to kids similar age to what you describe and you don't seem to grasp that kids in that age bracket will always try to get to mum if they know you are near.

Your set up doesn’t work. It’s incredibly difficult to nanny a toddler when one parent WFH let alone an inexperienced au pair. It’s not fair on your toddler as they simply want you, not the au pair.

We have an au pair for a toddler but I treat her as basically one extra kid. She’s not trained childcare, she’s an extra pair of hands. My daughter goes to nursery 5 days a week 9-4 and she does breakfast, clothes, dinner, pick up and drop offs, plus either cooks dinner or cleans up after I do if she’s home. That works very well for us.

I also lock myself in my study in the event that toddler is off sick from nursery as it’s not helpful for either the toddler or our au pair to have me present & visible.

In London this gives them more disposable income as room, phone & food are included compared to a min wage job and paying for room & food.

Oh dear, @Snkt , you have really shown yourself up with this post. Good luck to you, your child and your au pair. With that attitude, you all need it.

I agree 100% @trytopullyoursocksup the OP's shitty karen filled response says all I need to know about her...

Don't let the door hit your arse on the way out.

Oh no, she called us all Karens! That's told us for sure. We'll all think about what we've done and feel very ashamed of ourselves <nods vigorously>.

Can everyone report the offensive misogynistic language please?

OP- there is no point linking insta posts and agency lists.

Most of us know the LEGALITY of au-pair v nanny employment.

And I'd suggest, from the information you, yourself, have posted that the person in your house has been well and truly conned. They are clearly (from your own words) doing the job of a nanny/childminder) but being paid au-pair pocket money.

You may well find yourself reported to the authorities for such a scam, or at very least blackballed by other "au pairs".

Is flouncers corner still a thing?

I love the rant and link to call everyone a Karen and then in bold BE KIND 🤣🙄