Au Pair won't leave my side

[Snkt]

Hi mums,

Long post alert!

I really hope I don't come across as mean and ungrateful. I am just unsure if this is normal.

Our first au pair joined our family 2 weeks ago. We previously had a young nanny (22) who we adored!
She's really young (21) as most of them are and in general, she's very sweet, super helpful around the house and has really taken some things off my plate (house-wise) which is amazing. But we have 2 issues with her and not sure whether they should be classed as issues yet but if they continue are deal breakers for us.

1. She's not so great with little one. She looks like she's scared of him or bored to death when with him. He's almost 18 months. He has been doing settling sessions at nursery since she joined us and will be going 3/4 days a week so she will only have him 2 days a week (and one of us will always be home). She just seems really robotic with him, like he's a bunch of tasks she needs to tick, there's no bond forming and he's struggling to be with her alone (and I mean we are in a room and she's with him on another room) as he doesn't get comfort from her. So he's being more difficult than usual. and I am struggling to do work as he just wants me. If he cries she just stops in her tracks and keeps saying "sorry" he didn't let her change his diaper or take this or that. While I understand toddlers are HARD WORK, she needs to get on with it because otherwise then I need to do it so what's the point? She's left his butt let's say not very clean after poos like 3 times already so I snapped a little yesterday saying "did he poo this morning?" she said no to which I responded "okay so he slept with poo in his butt all night.." and her response was she didn't know poo could get there. I've shown her how to wipe and what cream to use to help clean better and have said many times before please make sure the wipes have nothing on them. She then later in the day apologised. and I said (after a conversation with my husband where we are getting concerned about her bond with LO) that she's been amazing, very helpful and will do some things before I think of them. I understand it's a new family, new environment and things to get used to but we are concerned about her bond with LO, that she seems to just be ticking the boxes etc and that she's here for LO not for anything else (we don't need a housekeeper). We need them to have a brotherly sisterly bond and for her to love and care for him like she would her own brother otherwise we will always be concerned and stressed. She said she understands and she's trying her best. Gave her a few tips so let's see.
2. She's ALWAYS there. It's really getting on my nerves. We have a big house. She has her own space. It's not hard to not be in my face all day yet she is. Of course she's supposed to be part of the family etc but even when you are part of the family you don't just linger around with nothing to do. You get on with your life. Yes of course it's only 2 weeks in, so she doesn't have her own life per se yet but I am finding it weird/annoying. e.g. today we came back from working from a coffee shop next to LO's nursery as he had a settling session and my husband who's injured had booked a physio and has to use the living room to avoid going up the stairs so I said to her "he has a physio coming soon so we'll just give some privacy. Feel free to go upstairs and rest. I need to stay here to open the door for the physio (as if I felt I needed to explain why we need some space) but she didn't go. she stayed. stood there. looking at her phone. then grabbed some water. back to her standing spot. blew her nose. stood there. went and grabbed water again. stood there. and it all felt like she was waiting for me so I again said (gently) feel free to go upstairs! we'll make lunch after. but she stayed. she waited for the physio to come. me to open the door. then started making her way to the stairs - VERY slowly like she was waiting for me. got to the first floor then lingered around the stairs there until I went into my office and then she went to her room on the last floor. isn't that odd? I know it's from a good place but it's a LOT. I am not looking for a housekeeper. I have already told her multiple times that I want her to make herself at home, feel comfortable to come in and out and not wait for instructions from me and that outside of what she knows she needs to do if there's anything else I will tell her. I have told her we will NOT be offended if she didn't want to watch the same shows as us or to do her own thing on the weekend (especially as my husband is injured and we are basically stuck at home). I am really concerned about what she's going to do with her time when LO goes starts proper nursery next week. I have asked her what she wants to do with her free time and how I can help as I don't believe she came here to just stay at home and she said she's done all the touristy things and finds them boring. Maybe play netball a night a week and run. she has from 8:30-330pm at least 3 days a week FREE + weekends. That's not enough and she cant just sit in my face waiting for things to do as I have told her I will have nothing for her when LO isn't here and we will be working.

Is this normal? Is it just a matter of patience?

I occasionally work from home and have an aupair. My 10 yo will come to me if I'm working because she wants me not our aupair. Your child is being a child. Your expectations of an aupair are excessive.

I've had aupairs for an excessively long time because I work shifts. They help a bit around the house. Be there when she gets in from school, gives them dinner and bed when I'm at work and walk the dogs if I'm not able to through work. They need a lot of guidance and support especially if it's a completely new environment. They don't do any grotty jobs, I pay them, I provide all their meals and I include them as part of the family if we go out.

You have chosen the wrong type of childcare I'm afraid.

I have to say I pity the au pair (and the child) ending up in this mess....

I haven't read all comments, but does the au pair speak the same language as you? Sounds like there's language and cultural differences.

Two weeks is not a lot of time and she sounds anxious at getting things wrong. I think maybe model what you want her to do more.

I haven't read all comments, but does the au pair speak the same language as you? Sounds like there's language and cultural differences.

Two weeks is not a lot of time and she sounds anxious at getting things wrong. I think maybe model what you want her to do more.

😄😄

Definitely I need to at least read the OP's posts. That's been answered and things have moved on!

This is what you get for cheaping out on childcare by getting an unqualified young person and expecting them to do the role of a nanny.

Your situation is completely unsuitable for an au pair. Send her home and go up to FT nursery, or pay the going rate for an actual live-out nanny.

Well I am actually on a campsite with limited data to access everything with purpose. So stick your sticky nose out of it.

This poor girl. Help her find a more suitable position with older children and put your son in nursery.

She's Australian so presumably language isn't an issue.
She might not be used to such uncultured and misogynistic insults from her employers though.

OP I think you're getting a really unfair time on here with some of the comments, I know you only came on looking for support and guidance. I am sorry that people are being mean to you on your situation.

Even experienced nannies can struggle dealing with young children when their parents are in the house, let alone the same room, as the child naturally just wants their parent.

WFH with a young child in the house only works if you are working in a room away from the child and they have a capable and knowledgeable carer looking after them.

What you are trying to do simply won't work.

Sorry OP, I agree with the other posters.

You need to pay for professional childcare at that age, people are who are qaulified. So that’s either a nanny, or increase nursery days. Plenty of people send their kids to nursery 5 days. Either that or drop your hours at work.

What’s also ringing alarm bells for me is that you claim to be working while there is always an 18 month old in the room with you. Realistically, this doesn’t work and your attention can’t be fully on your work, regardless of an au pair being there. Most companies I know would absolutely bollock their employees if they got wind of that sort of arrangement.

It’s crap when your salary goes to childcare, but that’s what happens with the rest of us. Please get some proper chidlcare for your LO.

Bloody hell, what a farce.

Stop citing the fact that you "agreed a contract" with this girl. She's inexperienced, 21, and in a foreign country. She is not experienced with reading, understanding and negotiating a work contract. She's getting paid 10 grand a year. She is being asked to do the work of a nanny when in fact she's an au pair.

GET REAL. Listen to the people here saying you need a nanny. If you can't afford one, look at other childcare options. I really feel for this girl, I bet she's totally confused about the parameters and boundaries of her job. Also, with you and DH around at home all the time, she probably feels self conscious and unsure, unable to have that independence to crack on with the job and not worry so much about being judged or making minor mistakes. You might feel you're non-judgmental, but look again at how young she is, how inexperienced and the fact she's living halfway across the world from her home. She probably feels scrutinised and self-conscious all the time.

An au pair should not be changing a babies nappy they are supposed to be a "big sister role" to age three plus. You need another nanny.

It's hard for even an experienced nanny to manage a toddler at home while the parents WFH. In fact, many experienced nannies flatly won't take jobs like this, unless the parents are well segregated upstairs and don't come down and interfere.

if you are in the house it's not going to work i don't think - i find it hard to work in my house with my 2 year old if my husband is looking after her for the day - she keeps wanting to come into me

i go to the office if they are home and leave them to it

you either need to work less to look after child yourself or do 5 days of nursery or get a nanny

thinking you can work full time but also be home with your child some days is just not a great solution

Yep! It’s a firm no from me, I’m a sole charge nanny only. Got hoodwinked in my last job that the parents were at the office ‘all the time’ lies! They had me in at 7:00am to do the leg work while they lounged around drinking coffee until 9 or after when they’d consider moving up to do some work in their office. Then pop down every so often, and be ‘on hand to help’ with bath and bed. I was just going out of the house with the children so much to avoid them, I can’t work like that, drove me absolutely mad. You either need a full time nanny or you don’t, and I certainly didn’t pitch into their office and offer to ‘help’ with whatever they might be working on. Some days I’d think ‘oh great the diary says they’re both in the office today!’ Then I’d get there and they’d be in their dressing gowns going oooh think we’ll be at home today. Arghhhhh.

My DD's friend is 18 and going through the process of moving to the US to be an au pair. She needs to have logged a certain number of hours with babies/under 2's and hours with older children. She will then be good to go. She will be paid 200 dollars approx a week and look after 2-4 children in the home. It sounds bloody stressful to me for not much money but there you go

Some countries are more exploitative than others. In the US au pairs can be asked to work up to 45 hours per week with only 1.5 days off a week! Australia isn’t dissimilar.

@Porridgeislife yeah she gets 2 weeks off holiday a year!!

please report me. It would be hilarious when they come see a well cared for au pair who’s happy living here. Get a life.

Nobody is reporting you to the imaginary au pair police.

Everyone is saying "this isn't working/you're being really needlessly aggressive in your responses"

Who is "they"? You just sound like someone who gets outside the best part of a bottle of wine and has a go at everyone.

OP, I didn’t see your deleted post.

But have you taken anything from posters saying that you are expecting too much of this young woman and the role, in the uk at least, is not intended for under 2s?

I think your post was reported to MN for misogyny.

If you're going to post on a forum, you should probably read the rules.