Au Pair won't leave my side

[Snkt]

Hi mums,

Long post alert!

I really hope I don't come across as mean and ungrateful. I am just unsure if this is normal.

Our first au pair joined our family 2 weeks ago. We previously had a young nanny (22) who we adored!
She's really young (21) as most of them are and in general, she's very sweet, super helpful around the house and has really taken some things off my plate (house-wise) which is amazing. But we have 2 issues with her and not sure whether they should be classed as issues yet but if they continue are deal breakers for us.

1. She's not so great with little one. She looks like she's scared of him or bored to death when with him. He's almost 18 months. He has been doing settling sessions at nursery since she joined us and will be going 3/4 days a week so she will only have him 2 days a week (and one of us will always be home). She just seems really robotic with him, like he's a bunch of tasks she needs to tick, there's no bond forming and he's struggling to be with her alone (and I mean we are in a room and she's with him on another room) as he doesn't get comfort from her. So he's being more difficult than usual. and I am struggling to do work as he just wants me. If he cries she just stops in her tracks and keeps saying "sorry" he didn't let her change his diaper or take this or that. While I understand toddlers are HARD WORK, she needs to get on with it because otherwise then I need to do it so what's the point? She's left his butt let's say not very clean after poos like 3 times already so I snapped a little yesterday saying "did he poo this morning?" she said no to which I responded "okay so he slept with poo in his butt all night.." and her response was she didn't know poo could get there. I've shown her how to wipe and what cream to use to help clean better and have said many times before please make sure the wipes have nothing on them. She then later in the day apologised. and I said (after a conversation with my husband where we are getting concerned about her bond with LO) that she's been amazing, very helpful and will do some things before I think of them. I understand it's a new family, new environment and things to get used to but we are concerned about her bond with LO, that she seems to just be ticking the boxes etc and that she's here for LO not for anything else (we don't need a housekeeper). We need them to have a brotherly sisterly bond and for her to love and care for him like she would her own brother otherwise we will always be concerned and stressed. She said she understands and she's trying her best. Gave her a few tips so let's see.
2. She's ALWAYS there. It's really getting on my nerves. We have a big house. She has her own space. It's not hard to not be in my face all day yet she is. Of course she's supposed to be part of the family etc but even when you are part of the family you don't just linger around with nothing to do. You get on with your life. Yes of course it's only 2 weeks in, so she doesn't have her own life per se yet but I am finding it weird/annoying. e.g. today we came back from working from a coffee shop next to LO's nursery as he had a settling session and my husband who's injured had booked a physio and has to use the living room to avoid going up the stairs so I said to her "he has a physio coming soon so we'll just give some privacy. Feel free to go upstairs and rest. I need to stay here to open the door for the physio (as if I felt I needed to explain why we need some space) but she didn't go. she stayed. stood there. looking at her phone. then grabbed some water. back to her standing spot. blew her nose. stood there. went and grabbed water again. stood there. and it all felt like she was waiting for me so I again said (gently) feel free to go upstairs! we'll make lunch after. but she stayed. she waited for the physio to come. me to open the door. then started making her way to the stairs - VERY slowly like she was waiting for me. got to the first floor then lingered around the stairs there until I went into my office and then she went to her room on the last floor. isn't that odd? I know it's from a good place but it's a LOT. I am not looking for a housekeeper. I have already told her multiple times that I want her to make herself at home, feel comfortable to come in and out and not wait for instructions from me and that outside of what she knows she needs to do if there's anything else I will tell her. I have told her we will NOT be offended if she didn't want to watch the same shows as us or to do her own thing on the weekend (especially as my husband is injured and we are basically stuck at home). I am really concerned about what she's going to do with her time when LO goes starts proper nursery next week. I have asked her what she wants to do with her free time and how I can help as I don't believe she came here to just stay at home and she said she's done all the touristy things and finds them boring. Maybe play netball a night a week and run. she has from 8:30-330pm at least 3 days a week FREE + weekends. That's not enough and she cant just sit in my face waiting for things to do as I have told her I will have nothing for her when LO isn't here and we will be working.

Is this normal? Is it just a matter of patience?

Exactly.

Not wanting to send your kid to a nursery but at the same time not wanting to change your sons nappy for bed?

You're asking an au pair to do a nanny's job. She clearly isn't up to it, which is unsurprising; there's a reason why nannies are vastly more expensive than au pairs. She IS being left in sole charge of him for periods while you are working, and it isn't safe or fair, either for her or for your son. You need a complete rethink.

But she was a nanny

You now have an au pair

They are not the same thing

@NuffSaidSam yes for now at least she's not and will not be unless we are all comfortable. In any way he cries within 10 minutes of being with her without me.

@6monthsto50 @116a who said I don't send him to nursery (because I do 3 days a week) and who said I don't change his diaper at night or don't want to? If you want to #mumpolice then kindly leave the conversation. She put him to bed ONCE because I had late work calls and my husband is bedridden atm and can't do it. Otherwise she only changes his nappy while I am working.

You need to add nappy changes to the list of stuff you're "always doing".

Also it's really common for a child not to settle with a carer if they know their parent is in the house. A trained and experienced nanny would know that and would have the strategies and the resilience to manage it. It's WAY above an au pair's pay grade.

@Greensleeves but she's not because one of us is always in the room with her she's just entertaining him while we work/ helping feed him etc. But yes she needs to run up and change his diaper while we work. I have also looked well and deep into au pair responsibilities before I shared a contract and expectations with her which she was happy with.

Hmm as an au pair I struggled at times with the kids, I was an unrelated adult, I loved them, but I was worried about crossing a line and being over familiar, i had one family who expected that i be formal,
the next were more like you, but that took me time to figure out
Maybe she’s just unsure.

also one family I had thought it was very rude if i ‘locked myself away’ and another family who very much wanted me to be invisible when I wasn’t working.
so maybe she just doesn’t know.

@TenOhSeven I change his nappies when I am not working. I am not a robot. I can't do it all. otherwise, again why is she here if she can't help.

It may be an issue if you are there with your son in the same room while you are wanting to work...

I know my toddler would just want me if she was in the same room as me! Your son hardly knows her.

Gosh, you're rude.
Seeing as you're not listening to anyone on this thread it's clear you just came on here to stealth brag. 😂

From what you’ve described there is no way I’d leave my baby with her. Are you putting up with her complete inexperience and immaturity to not pay much for childcare? I don’t get it. And whole days where she does nothing. The person caring for your child should be of the upmost competence and empathetic to children. She’s not even capable of showing human concern or care for your child. She doesn’t even know when and how to change a diaper. Cleanliness, hygiene, and preventing diaper rash are meaningless concepts to her 😳 remember she will be modeling to your child how a person behaves, and she is not exactly what you want in that department.

I would rather take care of my own child and forgo my own ambitions and luxuries, job satisfaction, whatever you want to call it, for a little while—that time goes so fast when children are little—than place my child and his safety and well being in the care of an incompetent, unaware, imperceptive person who has no clue what she’s doing. Awkward too. Why?

You're expecting an au pair to do the job of a nanny and it’s not right.

I worked as an au pair for a year and the childcare I did was more like wraparound care - drop off to nursery and collection. Then a bit of kids laundry/tidying/babysitting. I never would have been expected to look after a child for 2 days a week. It doesn’t matter whether you’re home or not.

utmost

@Maplestars thank you for sharing it's great to hear from an au pair. We genuinely like her and want it to work. and I've told her and hope made her feel that this her home now, she's to act that way. If I need her I will tell her, I don't want her to feel stressed and constantly waiting for me to give her things to do. I want her to enjoy her experience as well as us getting help. I do think she's still unsure how we want her to be but I just want her to be herself. If she wants to be with us she can and if she wants space she can, while also having some consideration for our space as a family every now and then. I don't mind her being in the room it's the lingering over me waiting to be given things to do that's bothering me. and I am just worried when LO is at nursery she will just sit there all day bored and I need her to find things to do and have the experience she's here to have (which I am sure is not watching us work)

Most people would not allow someone without experience to look after their LO. Whether you're in the same room or not, the child still needs looking after.

@MysteryBelle it's only been 2 weeks and we are giving things time as we know it will take her time to settle into our family and our LO to get used to her. I am hoping that she will learn with time but no we are not willing to compromise on anything related to our son and if by the end of her first month it continues like this then it's not worth it and we will find another solution. She's actually really nice and clean but just very robotic for now and it is a real concern when being with a young child. We choose her as she showed great potential at her interview and she's actually clean and tidy just very unsure what to do around LO which is the main thing

Au pairs are for school aged children really, you need a nanny to meet your expectations, preferably one with a bit of experience.

@nrrf I would not have her here if she was just going to do 5 days a week pick up and drop of only. I can do it myself. This is an arrangement we made with her and she said she was happy with it and confident doing the job. LO was signed up to 4 days at nursery which we dropped to 3 days so we can have her otherwise it makes no sense.

@116a rude? you said I can't even clean my baby's butt without knowing anything about my circumstances. What exactly am I bragging about? my intense job, my bedridden husband or my child who won't settle with anyone else and the au pair who isn't helping the situation? you ok?

Yes this.

An au pair shouldn't be taking care of a toddler, changing nappies etc. (saying that as a former au pair). You are trying to get childcare on the cheap... and it is failing for good reason.

But you ARE compromising by employing an au pair to do a nanny's job! You do realise that many parents who use nurseries would much prefer to have their children at home with a nanny? They can't afford one. Hardly anyone can afford one. It's unsafe and unfair to expect nanny-style care for au pair wages.

@crunchymama totally an issue! I agree but I don't feel like I can leave them alone because he just cries for me anyway and she's not too sure what to do with him they end up following me into my office upstairs anyway. He needs to bond with her and I am doing my best to give them lots of opportunities to do that while keeping him safe