Au Pair won't leave my side

[Snkt]

Hi mums,

Long post alert!

I really hope I don't come across as mean and ungrateful. I am just unsure if this is normal.

Our first au pair joined our family 2 weeks ago. We previously had a young nanny (22) who we adored!
She's really young (21) as most of them are and in general, she's very sweet, super helpful around the house and has really taken some things off my plate (house-wise) which is amazing. But we have 2 issues with her and not sure whether they should be classed as issues yet but if they continue are deal breakers for us.

1. She's not so great with little one. She looks like she's scared of him or bored to death when with him. He's almost 18 months. He has been doing settling sessions at nursery since she joined us and will be going 3/4 days a week so she will only have him 2 days a week (and one of us will always be home). She just seems really robotic with him, like he's a bunch of tasks she needs to tick, there's no bond forming and he's struggling to be with her alone (and I mean we are in a room and she's with him on another room) as he doesn't get comfort from her. So he's being more difficult than usual. and I am struggling to do work as he just wants me. If he cries she just stops in her tracks and keeps saying "sorry" he didn't let her change his diaper or take this or that. While I understand toddlers are HARD WORK, she needs to get on with it because otherwise then I need to do it so what's the point? She's left his butt let's say not very clean after poos like 3 times already so I snapped a little yesterday saying "did he poo this morning?" she said no to which I responded "okay so he slept with poo in his butt all night.." and her response was she didn't know poo could get there. I've shown her how to wipe and what cream to use to help clean better and have said many times before please make sure the wipes have nothing on them. She then later in the day apologised. and I said (after a conversation with my husband where we are getting concerned about her bond with LO) that she's been amazing, very helpful and will do some things before I think of them. I understand it's a new family, new environment and things to get used to but we are concerned about her bond with LO, that she seems to just be ticking the boxes etc and that she's here for LO not for anything else (we don't need a housekeeper). We need them to have a brotherly sisterly bond and for her to love and care for him like she would her own brother otherwise we will always be concerned and stressed. She said she understands and she's trying her best. Gave her a few tips so let's see.
2. She's ALWAYS there. It's really getting on my nerves. We have a big house. She has her own space. It's not hard to not be in my face all day yet she is. Of course she's supposed to be part of the family etc but even when you are part of the family you don't just linger around with nothing to do. You get on with your life. Yes of course it's only 2 weeks in, so she doesn't have her own life per se yet but I am finding it weird/annoying. e.g. today we came back from working from a coffee shop next to LO's nursery as he had a settling session and my husband who's injured had booked a physio and has to use the living room to avoid going up the stairs so I said to her "he has a physio coming soon so we'll just give some privacy. Feel free to go upstairs and rest. I need to stay here to open the door for the physio (as if I felt I needed to explain why we need some space) but she didn't go. she stayed. stood there. looking at her phone. then grabbed some water. back to her standing spot. blew her nose. stood there. went and grabbed water again. stood there. and it all felt like she was waiting for me so I again said (gently) feel free to go upstairs! we'll make lunch after. but she stayed. she waited for the physio to come. me to open the door. then started making her way to the stairs - VERY slowly like she was waiting for me. got to the first floor then lingered around the stairs there until I went into my office and then she went to her room on the last floor. isn't that odd? I know it's from a good place but it's a LOT. I am not looking for a housekeeper. I have already told her multiple times that I want her to make herself at home, feel comfortable to come in and out and not wait for instructions from me and that outside of what she knows she needs to do if there's anything else I will tell her. I have told her we will NOT be offended if she didn't want to watch the same shows as us or to do her own thing on the weekend (especially as my husband is injured and we are basically stuck at home). I am really concerned about what she's going to do with her time when LO goes starts proper nursery next week. I have asked her what she wants to do with her free time and how I can help as I don't believe she came here to just stay at home and she said she's done all the touristy things and finds them boring. Maybe play netball a night a week and run. she has from 8:30-330pm at least 3 days a week FREE + weekends. That's not enough and she cant just sit in my face waiting for things to do as I have told her I will have nothing for her when LO isn't here and we will be working.

Is this normal? Is it just a matter of patience?

If you want a nanny, pay for a nanny. Don't expect to pay shit under minimum wage and get baby care.

Stop being such bloody cheapskates basically.

Au pairs shouldn't be changing nappies

This.

Also it’s only two weeks in! At 21 I’d probably have been just like this au pair.

You employ professional nannies at 18 months not au pairs. Au pairs are for verbal older children 5 years plus

So...it is your intention to leave her in sole charge then 🙄

OP, you are doing the complete opposite of "keeping him safe" by employing unqualified, unsuitable and cheap labour. Please don't kid yourself.

@TheLongGloriesOfTheWinterMoon we didn't use an agency. I am not suer what au pair agencies are in the UK and we have no au pair visas and no au pair contracts etc. But we met her before and she's honestly a great person. Very sweet. I think I agree with you it's all very new to her and just like us being overwhelmed she is as well and I get it and I have told he I understand it can't be easy and she needs time to adjust to this whole new madness and it's totally okay. I also said I never expect perfect as long as everyone is happy and healthy but my LO isn't happy around her (yet at least). I also NEVER said or made her feel we don't want her around. I have just told her I want to make sure she's making the most of her experience and I would be more than happy to help her find things to fill her time so she's not getting bored at home as we will just be busy with work when LO is at nursery, but if she wants to hang around and chill and watch tv be my guest. I just don't want her hovering over me waiting for tasks. It's just awkward and doesn't feel "family" like.

From https://www.childint.co.uk/host-family/what-are-your-childcare-options/au-pair-au-pair-plus#:~:text=Childcare%3A%20An%20Au%20Pair%20should,arrangements%20for%20pre%2Dschool%20children.

Childcare: An Au Pair should not have any sole charge of children under the age of two. An au pair is not a qualified childcare provider and BAPAA recommends some daily formal childcare arrangements for pre-school children.

To be honest it sounds like an au pair is not the right fit for your family if your only child is 18 months old as she shouldn’t have sole charge of him for at least six months. This means for the next six months you will always have to accompany them if they go out and be listening out and checking what she is doing etc. I don’t see how you will be able to work with this kind of arrangement where she is never fully responsible for your son. It sounds like she would be better suited to older children and like you would be better letting her go and looking to get a nanny with childcare experience until your son is older.

Exactly this. You don’t seem to understand well what an au-pair is and have very unrealistic expectations (brotherly sisterly bond?)
is there a language barrier? Generally you sound very critical and not kind to a you g person who js new in the country and has no friends yet. Are you paying for a language course?

@ActDottie I appreciate that and came here to see if other parents had similar experiences at the beginning as we've never had an au pair. Instead, I have had people too hung up on the fact that she's changed a diaper while I worked..

Your child is doing settling in at nursery and also with a new au pair. He may be being more difficult because of all the change.

If he really isn't letting her change him - what is she supposed to do? Force him?

It probably isn't helping that you're in the other room and he knows it.

That said she is very young and inexperienced to be with such a young child.

Yes your other nanny did well but your child was younger then and had less awareness.

I'd get someone more experienced.

A child that age will want their parent if the parent is within sight. I have young kids and can't work from home ( and absolutely not in the same room) as the child will gravitate to you. My friend is an experiences nanny and is currently working with a family that had a new baby so mum is at home on maternity leave and even with the established bond and her experience she is finding it tough to stop the 2 year old constantly going to mum.

I think you may need to conceded to childcare out of the house or get a more experienced nanny

Some au pairs are great, others more awkward. Like most people in their early 20s - some get children and others don’t. But 18 months is too young for an au pair arrangement.

you are ignoring all the people telling you the problem: you need a nanny and not an au pair. You plan on leaving her in sole charge of your child while you work (yes, you’re not doing it yet or so you say, but that’s the plan) and that’s not what su pairs are for. And you keep posting about their “bonding” and her being nice, which is totally missing the point

@SoSad44 Yes brotherly sisterly bond as an au pair is supposed to be like his big sister, a part of the family. Hmm, I agree I sound overly critical but this is just on here as I am sharing my observations, and concerns and looking for families who might have struggled at the beginning with their au pair as well. But rest assured I am nothing but kind, and welcoming to her and would never sit and list things like this to her. I have made sure she knows she can come to me for anything and that I am here to help her make the most of being here whatever that looks like. I have suggested signing her up for classes, shared au pair Facebook groups where she can make friends etc

There's no language barrier she's Australian and doesn't really want to do a language course as we live in England..

But OP
You are also saying that you just want her to feed your child and entertain him while you work.
You have had late night calls which necessitated her putting him to bed.
You said she hadn’t cleaned him properly a few times when changing him.

So, do you work full time?

Why don’t you get a qualified nanny?

@Helpmepleaseimbusy I totally agree with everything you said. I think he is being more difficult because of all the changes and we are all trying to support each other. I am also trying not to be too quick to judge - yes I ranting here and looking for advice/ similar experiences. It's a lot of change for her and a lot of change for him. But I am on the same page that if things don't settle in a month or so it can't continue for everyone's sake and we will need someone more experienced.

@Skinnermarink we give her £200/week + everything else. She hasn't been left in the sole care of him for more than 30 minutes someone is ALWAYS in the room with them. I also never get pissed off - not at her. I might vent to my husband, my best friend or randomly here because I am also overwhelmed but I am not a monster and she's only treated kindly.

And whole days where she does nothing.

Well yes, she’s an au pair, not a nanny. Au pairs undertake light childcare duties, nowhere near full time. They shouldn’t be responsible for toddlers.

As others have said, OP, you need a qualified nanny.

What is an au pair then?

I thought it was a live in nanny who did everything needed for the child/baby whilst the parents were working.

I am confused

As others have said I think you’re expecting too much of her. And this doesn’t sound like a au pair job. Getting PT nannys is difficult, I tried to do what you’re doing, PT nanny and PT nursery, after 6 nannies I gave up and now FT nursery. I think there are lots of good nannies; they all want to work FT.

Just to add one family said I was family and to enjoy my time off then they did lots of things that showed I wasn’t family (which is fine) and so I did leave them alone a bit more and then they didn’t like it if I wasn’t available 24/7.
just to say that to illustrate that what you’ve said and your idea of ‘enough’ family time without her, or enough of her being available to you, may not be clear. I think it’s a difficult line - be like a sister to them, this is your home, but also it’s work and you need to do what we ask and recognise when it’s our home and we want you to give us some peace.
Could you soend some time to help her find other things to do, like an English class, or do you have friends with au pairs that you can encourage her to meet up with. That way she knows you’re serious that it’s ok to go out. She may also be home sick, if she doesn’t know anyone else you’re the only company she has.

Oh my god no. It’s generally someone young and unqualified who wants some pocket money while gaining some new experiences in a new place, sometimes learning a language. It’s like having a babysitter stay with you really.

She doesn’t have formal childcare experience or qualifications (unlike an experienced or trained nanny/nursery staff), and she hasn’t even chosen childcare as a career (unlike an inexperienced but keen nanny). That’s why she shouldn’t be in charge of such a small child.

It doesn’t matter how sweet she is, she is clearly not suited to looking after an 18 month old, you have noticed this in various ways. There isn’t much you can do to fix this. She isn’t magically going to turn into your previous nanny.

Wow. A whole £10 grand a year.

Or you could pay a nanny.