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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

Original poster

Au Pair won't leave my side

166 replies

Snkt · 31/08/2023 20:46

Hi mums,

Long post alert!

I really hope I don't come across as mean and ungrateful. I am just unsure if this is normal.

Our first au pair joined our family 2 weeks ago. We previously had a young nanny (22) who we adored!
She's really young (21) as most of them are and in general, she's very sweet, super helpful around the house and has really taken some things off my plate (house-wise) which is amazing. But we have 2 issues with her and not sure whether they should be classed as issues yet but if they continue are deal breakers for us.

  1. She's not so great with little one. She looks like she's scared of him or bored to death when with him. He's almost 18 months. He has been doing settling sessions at nursery since she joined us and will be going 3/4 days a week so she will only have him 2 days a week (and one of us will always be home). She just seems really robotic with him, like he's a bunch of tasks she needs to tick, there's no bond forming and he's struggling to be with her alone (and I mean we are in a room and she's with him on another room) as he doesn't get comfort from her. So he's being more difficult than usual. and I am struggling to do work as he just wants me. If he cries she just stops in her tracks and keeps saying "sorry" he didn't let her change his diaper or take this or that. While I understand toddlers are HARD WORK, she needs to get on with it because otherwise then I need to do it so what's the point? She's left his butt let's say not very clean after poos like 3 times already so I snapped a little yesterday saying "did he poo this morning?" she said no to which I responded "okay so he slept with poo in his butt all night.." and her response was she didn't know poo could get there. I've shown her how to wipe and what cream to use to help clean better and have said many times before please make sure the wipes have nothing on them. She then later in the day apologised. and I said (after a conversation with my husband where we are getting concerned about her bond with LO) that she's been amazing, very helpful and will do some things before I think of them. I understand it's a new family, new environment and things to get used to but we are concerned about her bond with LO, that she seems to just be ticking the boxes etc and that she's here for LO not for anything else (we don't need a housekeeper). We need them to have a brotherly sisterly bond and for her to love and care for him like she would her own brother otherwise we will always be concerned and stressed. She said she understands and she's trying her best. Gave her a few tips so let's see.
  2. She's ALWAYS there. It's really getting on my nerves. We have a big house. She has her own space. It's not hard to not be in my face all day yet she is. Of course she's supposed to be part of the family etc but even when you are part of the family you don't just linger around with nothing to do. You get on with your life. Yes of course it's only 2 weeks in, so she doesn't have her own life per se yet but I am finding it weird/annoying. e.g. today we came back from working from a coffee shop next to LO's nursery as he had a settling session and my husband who's injured had booked a physio and has to use the living room to avoid going up the stairs so I said to her "he has a physio coming soon so we'll just give some privacy. Feel free to go upstairs and rest. I need to stay here to open the door for the physio (as if I felt I needed to explain why we need some space) but she didn't go. she stayed. stood there. looking at her phone. then grabbed some water. back to her standing spot. blew her nose. stood there. went and grabbed water again. stood there. and it all felt like she was waiting for me so I again said (gently) feel free to go upstairs! we'll make lunch after. but she stayed. she waited for the physio to come. me to open the door. then started making her way to the stairs - VERY slowly like she was waiting for me. got to the first floor then lingered around the stairs there until I went into my office and then she went to her room on the last floor. isn't that odd? I know it's from a good place but it's a LOT. I am not looking for a housekeeper. I have already told her multiple times that I want her to make herself at home, feel comfortable to come in and out and not wait for instructions from me and that outside of what she knows she needs to do if there's anything else I will tell her. I have told her we will NOT be offended if she didn't want to watch the same shows as us or to do her own thing on the weekend (especially as my husband is injured and we are basically stuck at home). I am really concerned about what she's going to do with her time when LO goes starts proper nursery next week. I have asked her what she wants to do with her free time and how I can help as I don't believe she came here to just stay at home and she said she's done all the touristy things and finds them boring. Maybe play netball a night a week and run. she has from 8:30-330pm at least 3 days a week FREE + weekends. That's not enough and she cant just sit in my face waiting for things to do as I have told her I will have nothing for her when LO isn't here and we will be working.

Is this normal? Is it just a matter of patience?

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MolkosTeenageAngst · 31/08/2023 22:31

I would cut your losses now and look for a nanny who is experienced in toddlers. This au pair clearly has no childcare experience and is not a natural with toddlers, I don’t think her age is relevant really as there are some teenagers who are great with toddlers, it’s more personality. Things like how to change a nappy can be taught but you can’t really teach somebody to enjoy spending time with toddlers, to enjoy and promote play etc. If she seems bored with him now when it’s all new I can’t see how that will get better, toddler games can be pretty mundane and repetitive and if she is just looking after him when you’re working in the house then it’s not like she’s going to be able to go on days out or really do anything fun with him. I can’t really see why you would give it a month when she obviously is not good with toddlers, if she has no experience then it seems she didn’t really know what the job would entail which is why she seemed happy and confident but the reality is clearly different.

As has been said lots of times, au pairs aren’t really meant for toddlers under 2 and they’re not really meant to be looking after pre-schoolers all day whilst parents work. Usually au-pairs would have children for a few hours after school, not having a toddler 9-5 (regardless of whether the parents are wfh). If you wanted someone to take care of your son for a full day, even if just once or twice a week, you should have gotten a nanny. An au pair was the wrong type of employee for the job, it’s like you’ve hired a vet to do the role of doctor and, on realising they don’t have the skills and experience needed, instead of admitting this and moving on you’re wanting to give it a month just to wait and see if they might suddenly be able to make it work. She’s not working, she’s not bonding with your son and bottom line is both of them are unhappy, in addition to that your son isn’t even having basic needs being met by her. He’s too young to advocate for himself or to verbalise that he’s not happy with her but you can see the signs, so instead of trying to persevere with making this fuck up you caused by hiring an inexperienced au pair in a nanny role work at the expense of your son do him a favour, give her her notice and look for someone who can care for him properly and with joy and enthusiasm. You will also be doing her a favour in the long run, especially if she can be placed with a family of school aged children and feels less out of her depth.

TheLongGloriesOfTheWinterMoon · 31/08/2023 22:32

An au pair is a young person who comes into the country as part of a cultural exchange programme. They provide childcare and light household chores in exchange for accommodation, food and a weekly allowance

From the UK govt website on au pair roles and responsibilities. @Ispiltmytea (in fairness, I don't think you're the only one confused, though bizarrely, the other person is the one with the baby!)

There are very specific regulations about who can be an au pair and what contract obligations the employing family have.

As others have said, au pairs are often treated as cheap labour and very often have a hard time of it. I was lucky, worked for a Spanish writer and academic and her architect husband. Took the kids to the beach, washed their clothes, did 1 hour of English with each kid every day.

Original poster
Snkt · 31/08/2023 22:33

For everyone making me doubt what she can and cant do. I have looked it up. Everything she does is within the normal responsibilities of an au pair

Au Pair won't leave my side
Au Pair won't leave my side
OP posts:
Circlesandtriangles · 31/08/2023 22:39

im saying this gently - if you're working, even if you're at home, whoever is minding your child at home has sole charge. You may find the experience is different with a different au pair, but I would say a nanny or childminder are likely to be much more capable, appropriate and able to provide the family like care you'd like. I think it would be worth being open to considering other options xx

NewName122 · 31/08/2023 22:39

Get a nanny. You've got the wrong thing. She is young and probably confused. She probably stays near you as she isn't supposed to be caring for him. Very unfair of you.

ThickSkinnedSoWhat · 31/08/2023 22:39

Snkt · 31/08/2023 21:42

@6monthsto50 @116a who said I don't send him to nursery (because I do 3 days a week) and who said I don't change his diaper at night or don't want to? If you want to #mumpolice then kindly leave the conversation. She put him to bed ONCE because I had late work calls and my husband is bedridden atm and can't do it. Otherwise she only changes his nappy while I am working.

To be honest, going off your OP and responses like this, the friendly manner doesn't exactly ooze out of you. I'd not have appreciated being spoken to like this at that age, which is why she is probably nervous and always apologising. I wouldn't appreciate my own daughter ever being spoken to in this way either when she is older.

Original poster
Snkt · 31/08/2023 22:42

Yes I work full time and because we live in London and a nanny costs more than my salary :)

OP posts:
NotMeekNotObedient · 31/08/2023 22:43

Yer as an former aupair this feels odd.

She's 21, why are you expecting her to know how to look after a toddler?

Are you sure she understands what you're telling her, is there a language barrier?

Also 2 weeks in no time at all.

Have you given her an infopack about routines or anything? She can translate this easier then you telling her.

And lastly....if you want a qualified nanny, pay for a nanny.

I think the dirty bum thing is a bit grim, I would never have left a child like that but hopefully that is no resolved.

It's sounds like she's well educated so obviously not stupid, just struggling perhaps.

It can be really hard to make firneds and find things to do on your days off if you're not in a big touristy city, especially if there is a language barrier.

Seconding language classes.

Beenhereforever1978 · 31/08/2023 22:49

I'm confused. You shared a contract and expectations in one post and then a few posts later said you don't have a contract.

All sounds a bit chaotic to be honest, I don't think two weeks is anywhere near enough to be expecting her to have a "sister like" bond with a toddler and as many PP have said that's far too young a child to expect an au pair to be dealing with. I can't imagine she's not sensing your frustrations.

It doesn't sound like a good situation for anyone really.

Au Pair won't leave my side
Au Pair won't leave my side
NewName122 · 31/08/2023 22:50

Snkt · 31/08/2023 22:42

Yes I work full time and because we live in London and a nanny costs more than my salary :)

Then you can't really moan that she's not doing an amazing job can you. You get what you pay for.

Clymene · 31/08/2023 22:52

You have a big house and you work in a full time job where you have to take calls in unsocial hours and you earn less than a nanny?

I'm not sure if you're being untruthful or you're being criminally underpaid

SheilaFentiman · 31/08/2023 22:53

Two weeks is not long enough to bond, especially if you are in the house all the time.

As she is Australian, one of the main benefits of being an au pair ie going to English classes which the host would help fund is not there.

Of course she doesn’t know what to do with herself, she is several thousand miles from home and, without a base of friends attending language classes, how will she get to know people?

trytopullyoursocksup · 31/08/2023 22:57

Everything you say is confusing. It's riddled with inconsistencies. your au pair is confused, your child is confused.

you aren't being honest with anyone.

"feel free" to go upstairs doesn't mean "please go upstairs". It's couched as doing her a favour but you are aksing her to do something for your convenience. (not a huge thing, but it's still confusing phrasing which is coming from your difficulty with being honest and literal about the situatino here)

you say you like her but you are awful about her, and probably to her

you say you want your son home and not in nursery but you are working, so why? you are working, not looking after your child - but pretending you are somehow there, which is confusing everyone

you are saying the au pair is not in sole charge of the child but she is, she is taking him to the park and you had to ask if the baby was dirty from this morning or the night before - which is it, is the au pair resonsible or not? everyone is miserable so you can have it both ways

you say you want her to be like a sister to your child, but you don't want to see her when she is not working

SheilaFentiman · 31/08/2023 22:58

Wow, I hadn’t actually clocked that you had started nursery settling in sessions at the same time as she had arrived! So your LO lost his first nanny, has you and DH at home all the time, has her to get used to AND the busy environment of nursery for the first time since he was born.

No wonder he is crying for you.

fuckmyuteruslining · 31/08/2023 22:59

What happened to the old nanny?

You've been told you are asking too much of her. If you're working she IS in sole charge. So pay for a nanny or full time nursery or give up work and do it yourself. Don't expect a kid from the other side of the world to appear and look after your kid like you would without any training or support.

trytopullyoursocksup · 31/08/2023 22:59

you say she is free to do her own thing when not working, when you mean you want her not in your space - she isn't free, there is something in particular you don't want her to do

"feel free to -" is very confusing phrasing

you need to say things like: please do x, please do y. Then you need to decide if you trust her. If you do, let her get on with it and if you don't, end the arrangement, give her a decent reference and / or help her find something more suitable, and get a nanny

SheilaFentiman · 31/08/2023 23:00

"feel free" to go upstairs doesn't mean "please go upstairs". It's couched as doing her a favour

agree with this too - you need to be clearer, she was possibly hanging around as she wasn’t sure.

”hey, Susie, you need to be in your room or out for a coffee between 4 and 5 so DH can do his physio. Have you tried Beanz on the high street, it’s lovely!”

trytopullyoursocksup · 31/08/2023 23:01

I've had bosses like you, always using euphemisms and moving the goal posts because they wanted to have their cake and eat it and always have someone to blame - and half the time their weird phrasing came from some sense of themselves as "nice"

SheilaFentiman · 31/08/2023 23:01

trytopullyoursocksup · 31/08/2023 23:01

I've had bosses like you, always using euphemisms and moving the goal posts because they wanted to have their cake and eat it and always have someone to blame - and half the time their weird phrasing came from some sense of themselves as "nice"

Amen, sister

MolkosTeenageAngst · 31/08/2023 23:03

Snkt · 31/08/2023 22:33

For everyone making me doubt what she can and cant do. I have looked it up. Everything she does is within the normal responsibilities of an au pair

You are totally ignoring the fact all of those duties are with children aged 2+. Caring for an 18 month old is not within the normal responsibilities of an au pair. Maybe in the future and when your son is older an au pair will be right for your family, but right now your child is too young. I assume this is why you sourced your own au pair and didn’t go through an agency, because your son is under two and au pairs don’t usually look after such young toddlers?

NeverDropYourMooncup · 31/08/2023 23:07

Snkt · 31/08/2023 22:33

For everyone making me doubt what she can and cant do. I have looked it up. Everything she does is within the normal responsibilities of an au pair

Why are you quoting an American site for a UK au pair's duties?

Upwiththelark76 · 31/08/2023 23:07

Just employ a proper nanny . Then employ a cleaner . Job done

trytopullyoursocksup · 31/08/2023 23:07

It doesn't matter what you pull off a website about au pairs, you are not getting what you or your child needs out of this situation. When people try to tell you why, you shoot the messenger.
Where are you from, OP?

nc14 · 31/08/2023 23:12

If you can’t afford appropriate childcare in the home - a nanny - you need to send your child to nursery FT. Plenty of people do it. I feel sorry for your au pair, it sounds like your behaviour and expectations have made her very anxious and unable to relax.