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Original poster

Custody of 1 year old

96 replies

Felics · 30/12/2022 08:31

Hello all

My first post here.

I was wondering if anyone had any advice on custody arrangements for a 12 month old?

I've recently separated from my wife. It's only been a few weeks. We have both been unhappy in the relationship for various reasons (which are irrelevant for this post). There has been a lot of hurt on both sides, however we have a child together that we need to consider.

Although we weren't on great terms I thought we'd be amicable for our son's sake. Shes always said i was a great father and im very involved with our sons upbringing. However on the day we separated, she was against the idea of me seeing our son every day as she wanted "space" from me. However she agreed some frequent visits after she saw how devastated I was not being able to see our child.

The first week over Xmas I was able to see and take our child (for about 5 hours) every 2 days. However, now that I'm back at work and don't have much free time on the weekdays, I have asked for our son on both the Saturday and Sunday (from 12-5). She has shot down this idea as she wants to have spend time with him on one of these days. I noted that as she works 3 days a week, she had ample time to spend with our son. She has also simultaneously rejected me having him overnights on the weekdays. So I'm stuck with only seeing my son 5 hours a week. Sometimes after work I'd drive in the evening to see him, but that would only be for 45 minutes in my car (reading to him).

She's not open to any flexibility which leaves me in a difficult position - what can I do? I honestly don't think it's fair on my me and my son to share such little time together. I have tried to bring this up with her whilst being sensitive to the fact that we're both still hurting in ourselves. However where I've tried to detach our issues from our son, she is finding it hard to separate these to look at the needs of our son outside our relationship problems.

I know it's still early but the fact that I'm barely seeing my son is causing me real sadness. I've looked into mediation (and as a last resort court) but not heard great things in terms of what fathers are awarded.

Any advice? Is it worth going down this route? Given our son is so young would i get any significant access?

Thanks in advance.

OP posts:
confessionstoday · 30/12/2022 08:35

She's being ridiculous and unfair. Get it into court asap.
No reasons (from your post) why you can't have regular overnight weekend contact.

Theunamedcat · 30/12/2022 08:38

Alternate weekends would be better it won't be long before he is at school and she won't be able to see him during the week as much

BruceAndNosh · 30/12/2022 08:38

Is the child still being breastfed?

PRosie · 30/12/2022 08:39

I have no idea about the legalities of access arrangements, however my advice would be to never give up and keep pushing until you can come to a fair arrangement. I know that doesn't help but keep that passion. It is obvious that you love your son and want the best for him.

upfucked · 30/12/2022 08:45

I disagree with alternative weekends. 48 hours is a ling time for a child to be away from their mother.

What hours do you work? What time does your child go to bed? What was the plan in your mind for what would happen when the relationship ended? What do you think is ideal for your son?

I would think either a full Saturday or a full Sunday would be good for now. With a promise to revisit it as needed eg when your ex increases her hours or when your little one starts school nursery or school.

jmh740 · 30/12/2022 08:47

I would be asking her for every other weekend and one evening during the week for now. I think its fair that she has a whole weekend too.

It's obviously still very raw for both of you but you need to try and focus on what's best for your son not what's best for his parents. I k ow that is a lot easier said than done. I hope you can sort something out amicably.

Sanch1 · 30/12/2022 08:50

My ex and I separated when one of my DDs was just 1. He had every other weekend Friday teatime to Sunday teatime and one overnight in the week from the start. I don't agree you should have every weekend as once he's at school that doesn't give her quality time with him. If she's not agreeable to proper compromise you need to see a solicitor. A letter from one with a reasonable proposal might be all it takes.

Teisen1990 · 30/12/2022 08:50

I have family experience of your position, I wish we had just known to file a C100 form with the court and get a legal plan in place from the get go. If you're unhappy if needs to change asap or be logged with court asap before it becomes the 'status quo' and even harder to change. If she's this difficult now she will likely only get worse.

Twinklenoseblows · 30/12/2022 08:52

Is she still breastfeeding? Because that will make a huge difference to what is fair on your son.

Yaslana · 30/12/2022 08:53

upfucked · 30/12/2022 08:45

I disagree with alternative weekends. 48 hours is a ling time for a child to be away from their mother.

What hours do you work? What time does your child go to bed? What was the plan in your mind for what would happen when the relationship ended? What do you think is ideal for your son?

I would think either a full Saturday or a full Sunday would be good for now. With a promise to revisit it as needed eg when your ex increases her hours or when your little one starts school nursery or school.

48 hours is a ling time for a child to be away from their mother.

Works both ways though, from op information there is no reason not to 50:50

TheFormidableMrsC · 30/12/2022 08:53

At a year old the court is likely to encourage a build up to overnight contact. He's still a baby and a whole weekend is a long time to be away from Mum.

So, I would initially suggest mediation which you will have to do prior to a court application anyway. After that, it's a C100 form. Contact is usually every other weekend and one evening midweek. Again, this depends on so many factors and your personal circumstances. For this reason, I'd try and get a consent order drawn up via mediation.

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 30/12/2022 08:55

its called child arrangements (in the UK) not custody.

you can apply for mediation and in fact will be expected to do mediation before going to court (unless there’s been anything like domestic abuse).

I think you need to try and thing of a contact schedule that will be suitable for a good few years. If you are having him every weekend how will that work 1/2/3 years down the road or when he is at school? personally I think it’s fair to share weekends and some time in the week.

as well as thinking about sharing contact, how are you sharing responsibilities eg dropping off to childcare or in the future school etc.

First step I think should be seeking mediation services.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 30/12/2022 08:55

Whilst the little one is not at school, I don't see any issue you getting two days a week, given she also has two days off work with him too. The plan can always be adjusted once the little one starts school.

Why no overnights yet?

RodiganReed · 30/12/2022 08:57

Look again at mediation. The whole point is that no one is 'awarded' anything, the pair of you together work with a skilled, sensitive negotiator to work out an arrangement that is in your child's best interests. They can be worth their weight in gold when the separation is raw and you're not able to negotiate between yourselves.

VioletPickles · 30/12/2022 09:04

Suggest 50/50 if not breastfed and start mediation with that in mind. I’d also think long term as it’s harder to change things when’s routine has been established. Or it was for me.

Original poster
Felics · 30/12/2022 09:04

So just to answer some of your questions,

I would definitely look to revisit this arrangement when my son starts school or nursery as I definitely appreciate that she needs some time with him too. However as he is only just turned 1 I think that's at least a year away.

Like I mentioned I would gladly take him on 1 overnight during the weekdays but as he is currently being weaned off the breast (mix of bottle and breast) that probably isn't the best idea.

I know this isn't a simple collection of hours, but just to clarify I would not be taking him for overnight on the weekends but from 12-5pm on both days (so 5 hours on each day). This means I would only see him around 10 hours a week. Which I don't think is a lot.

I only requested both Sat and Sun as she has the Thursday and Friday off so assumed she would have had some decent time with him then.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 30/12/2022 09:11

Could you adjust your working hours so you can have him on some of the days she works?

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 30/12/2022 09:12

Sorry op but I don’t think you having him in the days on both weekend days is very fair.
this means you have the fun time, but none of the putting to bed/getting up and ready etc. also it means she had to be home in the morning and afternoon every weekend to drop off/pick up and has to manage every weekend around that.

also - ok she has 2 days off in the week. Are all her friends/family off the week too? Presumably she wants time with her son with other people who love him and might only be available on the weekend? In addition, presumably she has 2 days off in the week because she does reduced days to be able to provide care for her child. Are you able to reduce your days at work so you can have him in the week too? Or is it just her expected to do that?

sorry I hope that doesn’t sound to harsh, it’s just my perspective. Sounds like you want the fun/weekend days with none of the sacrifice/difficult days.

Original poster
Felics · 30/12/2022 09:20

No I understand and have actually considered this.

At the moment I am picking up and dropping off whenever I do see the little one. I'm not asking her to do any of this.

I would be more than happy to do all of this and was doing this when we were together (I WFH most days) but the complication at the moment is that LO is still weaning off the breast so I wouldn't feel it's right for him to be away overnight just yet if I am honest.

I think you have to remember that when I did have my little one from these hours I have to factor in a 2 hour nap, 1 hour driving there and back and also a feed in between. For me this is fun and great way to bond but not everyone's typically definition of "fun".

RE adjusting my working hours, I think if all else fails I will consider this. At the moment I am naturally paying for the upkeep on LO and his mum as well as our house. So would ideally like to avoid this if possible.

OP posts:
BungleandGeorge · 30/12/2022 09:25

Is there a reason it’s only 12-5 not longer?
have you looked at adjusting or reducing your work hours to provide care during the week?
who is caring for the child Monday to Wednesday?
what were the arrangements before you split up?

I don’t think it would be viewed as reasonable for you to have every single weekend day. Weekends are not the same as weekdays.

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 30/12/2022 09:26

yes I understand that the breast feeding makes things a lot more difficult.
maybe an agreement for the next 6 months or so and then after than you can look at a more long term plan.

can you reduce hours slightly at work temporarily to maybe have every other Friday off for the next 6 months? If your employer would agree to that you could have every other weekend and every other Friday possibly? That feels a bit more fair.

I understand that at the moment you working full time benefits you all because you are continuing to pay towards costs of partner and son. I suppose at some point that will end or reduce though? I guess at that point your ex might want/need to work longer hours?

I feel for you op, it’s a really difficult situation. I think as long as you keep your son’s prioritise in the fore front add try your best to compromise I am sure you will reach a pattern that fits everyone.

BungleandGeorge · 30/12/2022 09:26

Who moved an hour away, you or her?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 30/12/2022 09:30

Like I mentioned I would gladly take him on 1 overnight during the weekdays

Why not Saturday night? If you want to have the little one sat and Sun daytimes why wouldn't you ask for sat night?

I get the waiting for BF weaning, but why not take the night that lies in between the two daytimes you want?

upfucked · 30/12/2022 09:31

Yaslana · 30/12/2022 08:53

48 hours is a ling time for a child to be away from their mother.

Works both ways though, from op information there is no reason not to 50:50

Show quote history

Mum works part time and dad is full time so mum is the primary carer.

Reugny · 30/12/2022 09:34

Go to mediation asap.

If after 4 sessions it is clearly not working or it is taking months to agree sessions put in a C100. Ignore the mediator if they tell you not to.

And the Courts won't allow breast feeding of a child over one to stop contact with their parent.

Also if she doesn't work weekends it is unfair to have your son every weekend.