Custody of 1 year old

[Felics]

Hello all

My first post here.

I was wondering if anyone had any advice on custody arrangements for a 12 month old?

I've recently separated from my wife. It's only been a few weeks. We have both been unhappy in the relationship for various reasons (which are irrelevant for this post). There has been a lot of hurt on both sides, however we have a child together that we need to consider.

Although we weren't on great terms I thought we'd be amicable for our son's sake. Shes always said i was a great father and im very involved with our sons upbringing. However on the day we separated, she was against the idea of me seeing our son every day as she wanted "space" from me. However she agreed some frequent visits after she saw how devastated I was not being able to see our child.

The first week over Xmas I was able to see and take our child (for about 5 hours) every 2 days. However, now that I'm back at work and don't have much free time on the weekdays, I have asked for our son on both the Saturday and Sunday (from 12-5). She has shot down this idea as she wants to have spend time with him on one of these days. I noted that as she works 3 days a week, she had ample time to spend with our son. She has also simultaneously rejected me having him overnights on the weekdays. So I'm stuck with only seeing my son 5 hours a week. Sometimes after work I'd drive in the evening to see him, but that would only be for 45 minutes in my car (reading to him).

She's not open to any flexibility which leaves me in a difficult position - what can I do? I honestly don't think it's fair on my me and my son to share such little time together. I have tried to bring this up with her whilst being sensitive to the fact that we're both still hurting in ourselves. However where I've tried to detach our issues from our son, she is finding it hard to separate these to look at the needs of our son outside our relationship problems.

I know it's still early but the fact that I'm barely seeing my son is causing me real sadness. I've looked into mediation (and as a last resort court) but not heard great things in terms of what fathers are awarded.

Any advice? Is it worth going down this route? Given our son is so young would i get any significant access?

Thanks in advance.

Have one afternoon off in the week or finish early so that you can pick him up and spend time with him. Then agree in a block of time on one weekend day. Then revisit when he is at school maybe.

Sorry plenty of parents get told by mediators and solicitors not to put in a C100 when it is clear mediation isn't working and won't resolve things. Court is stressful but it will mean the issues get resolved. If you as a father are reasonable from the outset then you are likely to get the contact arrangements you want.

50/50 is rarely reasonable and neither is every weekend.

it's brilliant that you are going to be putting in plenty of effort to continue to be an active and loving presence in your child's life but your proposal isn't fair or realistic. Both days of every weekend isn't practical for dozens of reasons. e.g. whilst your ex only works 3 days a week there may be other important connections or activities that can only be done at weekends, eg family members who work full time, or community activities/church/groups etc.

adjusting your working pattern to do some of your work at weekends and have more time in the week would help, as a pp suggested. Or arrange to work from 12 noon to 8pm on two of your ex's working days so you can have your child all morning before work.

don't ask for full days yet. 5 hours 3 times a week would be ample for your child to be used to you and bond with you, but you need to put the child's needs first -using the word "custody" is a tell-tale that you are thinking of the priorities of the adults rather than the child, and what the child needs is stability and familiarity.

If she refuses to even negotiate then you need to look at mediation, and possibly family court.

Could you propose a staged contact arrangement, starting where you are and ending where you'd like to be?

I appreciate that your ex has two weekdays off, and it might feel fair to ask for every weekend, but if you consider the wider picture - wider family, friends, social or religious events that fall on weekends, you may need to be flexible. I would keep one eye on where you expect things to be once he attends school and keep things moving towards that.

Right she doesn’t want to see you every day and you work every day Monday to Friday. I would ask for every Friday night to Saturday afternoon say 2 pm and then two evenings in the week where you pick them up and drop them back the next morning.

that gives you 3 nights a week. provided there is nothing eg DV a court would give you that.

start overnights asap and take full responsibility

I'm a lone parent. At 12 months I left my son with my mum overnight once a week. Was still breastfeeding a lot and it was fine. Get to mediation and if she refused you can then file an application to court. They will determine what arrangements are most appropriate and if she breaks these you can return to court and they will readdress.

Fill in a court form tick the box for meditation but write down the times you have asked and she has refused.
say in your applications that you want 50/50 but your ex wife is stopping any overnight access and you have proposed every Friday night to Saturday afternoon every tuesday after work to Wednesday morning and every Thursday to Friday morning that she has two full days with your child whilst she is working part time and then has a day and a half at the weekend.

What happens if he then actually got 50/50. Doesn’t sounds like he wants 50/50?

It is potentially 3 or 4 years before the child is at school!

I'm always astonished on these threads how little importance is given to what's best for the child.

OP, you need to have a proposal that works for the child as well as the mother and you. And that means thinking into the future too. You need a plan that considers how contact will evolve to suit the child. Long periods of time away from the primary caregiver at the age of 1 are not a good idea but that will change.

As PPs have mentioned, there are likely things your ex would like to do with the child at the weekend that aren't possible during the week. Also, might she not increase her working days as the child gets older so she doesn't have free days during the week? Saturday and Sunday every weekend isn't fair, and your ex is doing all the hard work of looking after a small child 7 days a week. Perhaps you haven't been involved enough to understand how hard that is.

You have many, many years ahead of either working with or against your ex and decisions made with have a huge impact on your child.

He needs to get a mediator to sign of that mediation is unsuitable for them otherwise his application can be rejected.

Basically he needs to get a mediator to invite her to mediation offering her lots of different dates, and when she refuses he can apply for Court with the mediator signing a letter that they are unsuitable because she refused to go.

Just to add, I would do all that is possible to avoid court. Parents should be able to sort issues out without going to court and in my experience the court process add stress and bad feeling.

of course I know if you can’t come to an agreement there may be no other option but to go to court. I’m just saying try everything else first and personally I’d compromise more to avoid the stress for all of going through court.

Can you not move closer to your DS. An hour away isn't very practical.

At one & weaning off BF, overnights are fine.

I understand she has Thur/Fri with DS, but as others have pointed out, what about extended family? Would she usually take him to see them?

you need to get CMS in place & she needs to sort out her working hours & benefits. Then you can look at your working hours. Would it be possible to work 9/10 & have every second Monday off? Then you could do Fri Eve - Sun Eve one weekend & Sat Eve- Mon Eve the other.

plus one overnight in the week. Especially if you can do an early finish on the overnight day.

if you lived closer you could do a couple of overnights.

it's not fair on DS, to have him in the car a lot unnecessarily, I'd be looking to change that.

he's one & not fully bf, by the time this is sorted he'll be fine without breast feeding overnight when your ExW isn't there.

Could you propose a staged contact arrangement, starting where you are and ending where you'd like to be?

The fact he considering mediation and. Court action means there is no point doing this.

As she is being obstructive if he needs to say in mediation exactly what he wants until the child goes to school e.g. eow and one/two overnights in the week. Then if it goes to Court he is likely to get that.

This is because by the time the Court finalises the case the child will be over 2.

Is she open to you going to her house after work to spend the evening with your dc, supper, bed time etc? The fact that you live/work so far away is the issue here and if you were still together would the assumption be that she just did all of that? I think its important to accept that you can't just have access when it's convenient for you. If you want proper access and a relationship, you have to be prepared to make the sacrifices and effort that a resident parent does.

Agree that 12-5 every weekend is unreasonable. It completely restricts her ability to do things with your ds or by herself. I would, for now, go with one lo ger day on one day of the weekend. Perhaps alternating days (Saturday one week, su day the nect) with a goal of getting to the point where you have him overnight eg Friday night to Saturday afternoon then Saturday evening to Sunday afternoon the following week, supplemented with one night a week during the week.

This. The child's best interests should take priority and if it does go to court, that's what they will consider.

As PPs have said, mediation is the next step. It might be successful, but even if it isn't, you'll need to show you've tried it before going to court.

Some useful links for you

childlawadvice.org.uk/information-pages/contact/

childlawadvice.org.uk/information-pages/family-mediation/

www.advicenow.org.uk/guides/survival-guide-sorting-out-child-arrangements

www.advicenow.org.uk/guides/survival-guide-using-family-mediation-after-break

Lastly, it might be sensible to get this thread moved to Legal matters. It's not about childcare is it.

Yep, the courts are awful re domestic abuse and other issues but straight forward child arrangements should be fairly easy for them as they deal with it alllll the time.

Your planning horizon seems very short.
What are you aiming for ultimately- shared custody or every other weekend? If it’s shared custody it’s pretty essential you both commit to living close to the primary school.
Every other weekend - it’s less important but still so much better for the child if you live at close proximity. And with every other weekend, are you up to committing to half the hols?
So being honest with yourself on how much commitment you plan to make with raising your child is essential. It’s not just about visiting your child.
Having been honest with yourself, then think about the path towards getting there. At 18 months my partner was given a court order for every other weekend Friday evening to Monday morning and one overnight in between. So in the next six months you could request to build up to something like that.
From age 3 the court order was changed to shared custody and has been like that for the last six years.
Either way, you need to lay down a track of consistency, being a parent and trying to do things the right way. The courts are not against fathers at all, but especially for such a young baby, you need to demonstrate that you are solid and committed.

If you live locally, then I would try to get her to agree to every Wednesday overnight plus Fri eve - Sun eve EOW.

You would be awarded more in court though.

Breastfeeding can be worked around with a 1 year old. It’s more important DC has consistent contact with dad over a period of time. Courts do not see one parents wishes as being the priority…two days might be a long time to go without mum, 12 days is a long time to go without seeing dad when you don’t have an established relationship.

If you want proper access and a relationship, you have to be prepared to make the sacrifices and effort that a resident parent does

This. You can't just be a visitor when it works for you. If you are serious about this you need to be a parent and that means adapting your schedule so that it works for your ds too. You should be trying to see him during the week and can't just use the "but I'm working" excuse.

Go to mediation but be prepared to think about what's best for your son, not you.

Agree with this.

Apologies, I feel I should clarify a few things.

• The total travel time is 1 hour. So 30 mins there and 30 mins back. I can't really move any closer without selling the house and I don't think that's feasible at the moment.
• She is currently staying with her parents/extended family so they are naturally with LO through the week.
• Upon reflection, it may be unfair on me to ask for both days on weekend. The rationale behind this was that she has another 2 days off which she can spend some good time with LO
• I think she would be open to me going to her house but as tensions would be a little high with her family, I would like to avoid this if possible (to avoid any arguments). It is something to consider though now that you have mentioned it. I realise that the car is not the best place but he is happy to see me nonetheless - obviously I know this is only a short term solution.
• Some have asked why I only have 12-5. The issue is the LO usually wakes up quite late as his timetable is sporadic. Its a point to note that I could request a few hours earlier so I get a a decent chunk of time. I like him to spend a couple of hours winding down with him mum as he will obviously be sleeping there so don't want to disturb him by driving him back in the car asleep.
• Any arrangements are not forever, I would hope that as LO grows, time and responsibilities will change.

I can assure you I have LO's interest at heart. As I WFH, I have spent nearly every single day caring for her. I am not downplaying my partners role - she has done more than I can ever do, but I also don't want to downplay my significance in LO's life to date. Some have assumed I don't want 50/50 - I would take him 100% if I thought this was best for him. But I know he is attached to his mother, just like he is to me. So not in his best interest.

I just hoped that we could be amicable. Based on what people are saying here, it may mean that I only ask for one day on the weekend and rearrange work for another day. I am open to anything in reality - I only want as little disruption as possible to LO

50/50 for a one year old? frotunately the family courts do what is best for the children, which is rarely this at such a young age.

I agree with this too.

I definitely don't think either parents should get all the weekends. Not fair at all on the parent who doesn't see them on a Saturday or Sunday.