Custody of 1 year old

[Felics]

Hello all

My first post here.

I was wondering if anyone had any advice on custody arrangements for a 12 month old?

I've recently separated from my wife. It's only been a few weeks. We have both been unhappy in the relationship for various reasons (which are irrelevant for this post). There has been a lot of hurt on both sides, however we have a child together that we need to consider.

Although we weren't on great terms I thought we'd be amicable for our son's sake. Shes always said i was a great father and im very involved with our sons upbringing. However on the day we separated, she was against the idea of me seeing our son every day as she wanted "space" from me. However she agreed some frequent visits after she saw how devastated I was not being able to see our child.

The first week over Xmas I was able to see and take our child (for about 5 hours) every 2 days. However, now that I'm back at work and don't have much free time on the weekdays, I have asked for our son on both the Saturday and Sunday (from 12-5). She has shot down this idea as she wants to have spend time with him on one of these days. I noted that as she works 3 days a week, she had ample time to spend with our son. She has also simultaneously rejected me having him overnights on the weekdays. So I'm stuck with only seeing my son 5 hours a week. Sometimes after work I'd drive in the evening to see him, but that would only be for 45 minutes in my car (reading to him).

She's not open to any flexibility which leaves me in a difficult position - what can I do? I honestly don't think it's fair on my me and my son to share such little time together. I have tried to bring this up with her whilst being sensitive to the fact that we're both still hurting in ourselves. However where I've tried to detach our issues from our son, she is finding it hard to separate these to look at the needs of our son outside our relationship problems.

I know it's still early but the fact that I'm barely seeing my son is causing me real sadness. I've looked into mediation (and as a last resort court) but not heard great things in terms of what fathers are awarded.

Any advice? Is it worth going down this route? Given our son is so young would i get any significant access?

Thanks in advance.

If it goes to Court the child will be two so he could get 48 hours every other weekend if he asks for it

The youngest child I know about where this was awarded was 14 months.

The mother refused to mediate, and even when they both had barristers doing mediation for them so an agreement could be put before a judge she still put in some silly contact stipulations.

Other parents who wisely sorted it out themselves did it from 13 months. In a couple of cases the dad got every weekend contact instead of eow so the mother could work. I know the dads could work weekends as well but didn't.

I wouldn’t want that for my kids either but I’m not their only parent so…

Well your ex may need to go back to work full time to pay for a home. Consider that.

I definitely want to avoid court (and even mediation) if I can help it, but if all else fails, naturally I will be left with no option

Can I ask why? It's sounds like a formal arrangement might be in your interests.

Sorry for the lack of clarity - I don’t get negativity from the nursery. They do prioritise communication with my wife and never send me emails etc, but they are lovely in person.

the negativity I receive is actually from people I work with, predominantly older women. They seem to resent the fact that I actually want to raise my daughter.

I’m not saying this as an anti-women comment - merely citing the experience I’ve had.

The important thing is that Fathers get a fair hearing and fair access - hopefully OP does.

Yes, this. If.your ex is not open to negotiation then clearly you need to go to.mediation or even court.

The finances are confusing. If shenisnliving with her parents how are you paying for her? I assume.younare giving her child maintenance? But that's just normal and bare minimum.

What is she offering you ito contact?

I just feel it will be detrimental to an already tense situation and the fact that many people say the court process is very difficult and can be for the child too.
That's not to say if we can't agree amicably between ourselves that this isn't an option - its just I'd prefer it if we kept things civil as whatever happens we are in each others lives forever seeing as we share a child.

At the moment I only have an hour on Tues/Thurs from 6pm-7pm and 5 hours on Saturday (realistically this is more like 4 hours given the travel).

I think I will try to resolve this and ask for any alternatives from her side, otherwise go to a mediator as I feel as though my LO is not seeing me enough given that I spent his first year WFH and with him every day (feeding, bathing, putting him to sleep). Its a drastic change.

Applying for a CAO doesn't have to be combative though? Surely you can just say something like "I think it's probably best if we sort out something formal so that we both know where we stand with seeing LO".

You can make an an arrangement out of court and ask for them to make an order for what you agreed.
However the only reason to get the court to make a decision is because you can’t agree.

I really think you should look at changing your working hours @Felics

Weekends are when most friends and family are around, so I don't think it's fair for either of you to have every weekend. I understand what you mean that she has two weekdays with him, but it is not the same.

In your shoes I would try and ask work for compressed hours, giving you either an afternoon off or a whole day off in the week. If you could get that on a day she works, it's ideal. No childcare costs or your ex missing out on time with him, and quality time for you and him. A lot of employers are pretty flexible especially if it's for family commitments, and if you WfH you've already not got to do a commute which is also great, and shortens what would have been a longer working day.

Whilst he is this small I'd be trying to sort work to have him a day or an afternoon in the week when she works, and then sharing weekends somehow. Whether it's one weekend 'on' each eg. If 12-5 works you have that for the sat and sun and next weekend you don't, or do it every Saturday only type thing. Then when he is a bit bigger and weaned you could have him for the afternoon in the week and overnight, and then say the Saturday and night with him going back at Sunday lunchtime and rotate that one weekend on and off.

When he's much older and understands it you could do proper full length weekends on and off, but I struggle to know how that would be good for a child this young.

@jevoudrais
People can’t just change their working hours 😂 if DF do reduce hours then they get a kicking for not paying as much CMS.

Realistically, DM should be doing half the driving too…you can claim some expenses from her if she can’t.

Get legal advice, most will try and settle out of court via negotiations in writing but they’ll be able to advise best as to a realistic outcome for you both. Keep in mind it’s not always child orientated though (I don’t think any child should even be subjected to a 50/50 split, imagine no routine or main home)

I think I'll be going down this route. If I can get 50/50 split that would be great, but anything more than a handful of hours is a win for me.

Why is 50/50 not reasonable?

It's not in the child's best interests @Bepis. No stable base.

OP is there any way you can start work earlier on weekdays so that you could finish earlier especially on the day you see your child to give you more time with him in the evening? If work would let you start 1 hour earlier each day and finish early on the day you see him you might be able to have a whole afternoon with him on that day without reducing hours.

Also I think you should be asking for longer on the one weekend day so that you get a full day. Say 9am till 5pm. If he still has a morning nap you pick him up before that so he can nap in the car on the way to yours.

There is no reason why you should not be more involved, DH is the SAHP parent at the moment in our house and we swapped over when my maternity ended with two of our children who were 7 months and 10 months at the time we swapped. They were fine with him at home with me working full time even though up until then I had been their main caregiver and was still breastfeeding. They adjusted to the change and learnt to take milk from a bottle or from a sippy/straw cup. I also worked some nights and they managed overnight with their Dad. It is important to establish a routine that allows your son to maintain a relationship with his Dad. It is hard as a Mum to leave your baby for long periods especially overnight, but it is also hard for Dads who have been so involved in their child's life to not see their child. There needs to be some flexibility on both sides in this.

Every child is different and some may actually want the equal time with each parent. I know of someone who did 50/50 right from the beginning and was a very good arrangement for the child. It can work if the parents make it work. I don't think 1 parents relationship with the child should trump the others, which is usually the case towards fathers.

I don’t think 50/50 works for any child, sorry. No routine, no one home, no stability. I’m an adult and I’ve hated to lack of routine in my own home over Christmas. Imagine a child living like that all the time

It is a routine for them though if that's what they regularly do. For example, the person I knew did Saturday to Wednesday with dad and Wednesday to Saturday with mum. Worked fine.

Based on what exactly? Please explains your research. My DSD is 50/50 as a last resort before mum (who did everything she could think of to alienate DSD from her dad) lost all rights. Thankfully it’s working well.
Im super fed up of people projecting, based on their assumption that everyone is as decent as they are.

Thanks for the encouraging words.

I think the starting at work earlier is a definite possibility. As well as compressing my hours which could mean I can finish at 2PM (if I start at 6) and have a decent afternoon with him.

On routine, this is one of my worries as I'm a stickler for routine and organisation. This is one of the reasons me and DM would disagree as DS would be sleeping at random times and waking up at even later. This is one of the reasons why I can only pick him up at 12 as he would have likely only woken up at 10 which means he'll go down at 1PM for his nap. It was a rush to pick him up and get him back to mine for a 2 hour nap which meant I only had "awake" time of 2-2.5hrs before I had to drop him back. I think it's a good suggestion to ask for an earlier pickup.

There are hundreds of studies on it. Google it.