Page 3 | Custody of 1 year old

Felics · 2022-12-30T08:31:25+00:00

Hello all My first post here. I was wondering if anyone had any advice on custody arrangements for a 12 month old? I've recently separated from my wife. It's only been a few weeks. We have both been unhappy in the relationship for various reasons (which are irrelevant for this post). There has been a lot of hurt on both sides, however we have a child together that we need to consider. Although we weren't on great terms I thought we'd be amicable for our son's sake. Shes always said i was a great father and im very involved with our sons upbringing. However on the day we separated, she was against the idea of me seeing our son every day as she wanted "space" from me. However she agreed some frequent visits after she saw how devastated I was not being able to see our child. The first week over Xmas I was able to see and take our child (for about 5 hours) every 2 days. However, now that I'm back at work and don't have much free time on the weekdays, I have asked for our son on both the Saturday and Sunday (from 12-5). She has shot down this idea as she wants to have spend time with him on one of these days. I noted that as she works 3 days a week, she had ample time to spend with our son. She has also simultaneously rejected me having him overnights on the weekdays. So I'm stuck with only seeing my son 5 hours a week. Sometimes after work I'd drive in the evening to see him, but that would only be for 45 minutes in my car (reading to him). She's not open to any flexibility which leaves me in a difficult position - what can I do? I honestly don't think it's fair on my me and my son to share such little time together. I have tried to bring this up with her whilst being sensitive to the fact that we're both still hurting in ourselves. However where I've tried to detach our issues from our son, she is finding it hard to separate these to look at the needs of our son outside our relationship problems. I know it's still early but the fact that I'm barely seeing my son is causing me real sadness. I've looked into mediation (and as a last resort court) but not heard great things in terms of what fathers are awarded. Any advice? Is it worth going down this route? Given our son is so young would i get any significant access? Thanks in advance.

bellac11 · 30/12/2022 10:47

You need to go to mediation, it will be (or should be) neutral and take into account the child's needs

Theres no reason why you shouldnt be having overnights so try to work out something that enables the child to have an equal amount of time with both of you.

Princessglittery · 30/12/2022 10:51

Have you considered requesting compressed hours where you work full time but over 4 days a week or 9 days a fortnight? This gives you a week day as a NWD which if different than your Ex would enable you to have your DC mid week as well as EOW.

Natsku · 30/12/2022 10:54

Instead of 5 hours both weekend days I would suggest the whole day on one weekend day, from straight after breakfast until an hour before bedtime (so he has time to calm down for bed). At 12 months old a whole day should be ok but its too young for overnights (my daughter did overnights with her dad from 15 months and in retrospect that was too young and caused attachment issues) plus one or two evenings during the week. As he grows older contact increases, including introducing overnights, until he starts school when every other weekend and one night midweek is good. 50/50 works better with older children if you live close enough for travel to school and activities to not be an issue.

pursudebyablackdog · 30/12/2022 11:08

At the moment I am naturally paying for the upkeep on LO and his mum as well as our house. So would ideally like to avoid this if possible.
Are her parents changing her rent? Is that what you mean by paying for your ex? As i'm not sure why you feel you need to pay for her, as she's working and living with family (do her family provide childcare or does your little one go to nursery/ childminder?)
I agree with others with the mediation and you both need to put your child first.

Reugny · 30/12/2022 11:32

The total travel time is 1 hour. So 30 mins there and 30 mins back. I can't really move any closer without selling the house and I don't think that's feasible at the moment.

No one - posters, mediator, family court - is not interested in your total* *travel time.

Living 30 minutes travel time away is fine.

I think she would be open to me going to her house but as tensions would be a little high with her family, I would like to avoid this if possible (to avoid any arguments). It is something to consider though now that you have mentioned it. I realise that the car is not the best place but he is happy to see me nonetheless - obviously I know this is only a short term solution.

You need to sort out and agree to having your child at yours. His mother needs to be able to get on with her life without you breathing down her neck in the place she lives. In addition your child needs to bond with you properly and you can't do that of you can delegate to his mother.

Some have asked why I only have 12-5. The issue is the LO usually wakes up quite late as his timetable is sporadic. Its a point to note that I could request a few hours earlier so I get a a decent chunk of time. I like him to spend a couple of hours winding down with him mum as he will obviously be sleeping there so don't want to disturb him by driving him back in the car asleep.

You need to sort out a routine with him and encourage - not tell and not dictate - his mother to as well.

Oh and children often fall asleep when you are driving them regardless of the time of day. So if you are potty training them put them in a pull up unless you know they are likely to be dry.

Oh and be careful of the words you use.

Aquasulis · 30/12/2022 11:36

Reugny · 30/12/2022 09:54

He needs to get a mediator to sign of that mediation is unsuitable for them otherwise his application can be rejected.

Basically he needs to get a mediator to invite her to mediation offering her lots of different dates, and when she refuses he can apply for Court with the mediator signing a letter that they are unsuitable because she refused to go.

Show quote history

He needs to get the ball rolling for the sake of I think £200 for a court application that he can do himself and state she has refused all requests but then go to the local family mediation service as well. There are long waits and he can get it rolling now. Express in all paperwork that he wants 50/50 and mother is being obstructive and that he only wants 50/50. The court willl start there.

upfucked · 30/12/2022 12:09

Reugny · 30/12/2022 10:00

Could you propose a staged contact arrangement, starting where you are and ending where you'd like to be?

The fact he considering mediation and. Court action means there is no point doing this.

As she is being obstructive if he needs to say in mediation exactly what he wants until the child goes to school e.g. eow and one/two overnights in the week. Then if it goes to Court he is likely to get that.

This is because by the time the Court finalises the case the child will be over 2.

Is she being obstructive? All we know if she isn’t happy with OP suggestions we don’t know if sh has come back with her own suggestions or if OP has asked his ex what she suggests.

Doyoumind · 30/12/2022 12:40

Beenthereanditshard · 30/12/2022 10:29

If you live locally, then I would try to get her to agree to every Wednesday overnight plus Fri eve - Sun eve EOW.

You would be awarded more in court though.

Breastfeeding can be worked around with a 1 year old. It’s more important DC has consistent contact with dad over a period of time. Courts do not see one parents wishes as being the priority…two days might be a long time to go without mum, 12 days is a long time to go without seeing dad when you don’t have an established relationship.

Nonsense. No one can predict what a court will rule. And 50:50 is very unlikely to be granted for a 1yo, as is Fri-Mon for a weekend.

Missedvocation · 30/12/2022 13:39

I’m sorry, ‘48 hours is a long time to be away from their mother’.

48 hours is a long time to be away from their Father! It really really wrankles me that people dismiss a Fathers involvement. Why are we so skewed to motherhood over fatherhood (BF aside).

bellac11 · 30/12/2022 13:46

Missedvocation · 30/12/2022 13:39

I’m sorry, ‘48 hours is a long time to be away from their mother’.

48 hours is a long time to be away from their Father! It really really wrankles me that people dismiss a Fathers involvement. Why are we so skewed to motherhood over fatherhood (BF aside).

Yes totally agree with this. Unfortunately those views are prevalent on this site. Its very damaging to society to be so dismissive of father's involvement with children

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 30/12/2022 14:05

Does this not come from the fact that more often than not mothers are the main carers for young children. Partly many men choose not to be the main carer because they don’t want to reduce hours etc.

The op himself does sound like he wants equal contact as he doesn’t sound overly keen on changing work routine. You can have both worlds. If you choose not to provide a bulk of care/equal care to the other parent, you can’t expect for the child to have the same relationship with you as the parent that is home with them when they are sick or gives up work to care for you as a baby.

Original poster

Felics · 30/12/2022 14:13

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 30/12/2022 14:05

Does this not come from the fact that more often than not mothers are the main carers for young children. Partly many men choose not to be the main carer because they don’t want to reduce hours etc.

The op himself does sound like he wants equal contact as he doesn’t sound overly keen on changing work routine. You can have both worlds. If you choose not to provide a bulk of care/equal care to the other parent, you can’t expect for the child to have the same relationship with you as the parent that is home with them when they are sick or gives up work to care for you as a baby.

It easy to make these assumptions and gloss over various points. But as I've mentioned before, I would love to have equal custody. Reducing my hours is not a problem for me, however my employer has to agree to it. If they didn't it means looking for a new job.
As I am supporting mum, baby and me amid an ongoing cost of living crisis, these decisions are not as black and white as they may first appear.

We can make sweeping generalisations about how fathers behave and on the whole you would probably be correct (similarly, we can make generalisations about mothers who can use children as leverage) - but my situation is not like this.

It may mean making compromises and that is fully expected but when one party is unwilling to negotiate, offer alternatives or indeed compromise, I am left in a vacuum with limited options.

I definitely want to avoid court (and even mediation) if I can help it, but if all else fails, naturally I will be left with no option.

OP posts:

Missedvocation · 30/12/2022 14:14

I agree that more women are primary parents and that many blokes don’t pull their weight. However, the primary way we can rebalance gender equality (especially in the workplace) is to normalise men providing childcare and being valued as a parent by society. It is frustrating when I receive negativity as a Father for doing nursery pick ups for instance. Also, nursery always phones Mum when DD is ill etc - despite me always dropping off and picking up.

AnotherEmma · 30/12/2022 14:23

OP, you've said she's refusing to negotiate or compromise, so you have no choice but to do mediation. You could get every mumsnetter to agree with you on this thread, but that wouldn't make the blind bit of difference to your ex - you need to sort it out with her.

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 30/12/2022 14:26

Op your points are fair ones, and sorry if I have generalised and made assumptions about you and your situation. I understand it is not as easy as just going part-time immediately. However inevitably that means your ex has to keep being the main carer/providing most of the child care. Whilst I totally agree you deserve a decent amount of contact and I do hope you sort something amicably, I don’t think you have equal care giving roles at the moment and that will inevitable affect contact.

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 30/12/2022 14:27

Missedvocation · 30/12/2022 14:14

I agree that more women are primary parents and that many blokes don’t pull their weight. However, the primary way we can rebalance gender equality (especially in the workplace) is to normalise men providing childcare and being valued as a parent by society. It is frustrating when I receive negativity as a Father for doing nursery pick ups for instance. Also, nursery always phones Mum when DD is ill etc - despite me always dropping off and picking up.

I agree with this. I had to have a word with my childrens school because they kept calling me. I work in a prison so don’t have access to my phone and my husband works from home. I think everyone needs to hold parents equally responsible.

itsgettingweird · 30/12/2022 14:28

Make sure you do everything by text and email.

Stick to any arrangement she makes outside your work hours to prove you're serious.

Keep requesting to discuss reasonable contact. Suggest EOW for an overnight.

Get the paperwork to go to court to get custody arrangements sorted. Make sure you are clear what you want. Make sure to speak to her about things like arranging childcare for the days you have him overnights and are working. Make sure financial settlements are in place - Eg you pay for childcare when it's you needing it.

My sister was like your XW to her ex. I hated the way she did everything possible to prevent him seeing their child. Years later she now moans he doesn't have him enough. I do think he was wrong not to get a court settlement order for contact but I also think if she'd arranged things properly in the first place she'd have more than 10-7 1 day a week now.

ImustLearn2Cook · 30/12/2022 14:35

@Missedvocation I have worked in nurseries since the late 90’s and I have never ever seen a father receiving negativity when dropping off or picking up their child from nursery. Nor have I ever witnessed a father being treated any differently from a mother.

I have seen over and over again women being discriminated against, treated badly, abused, undermined and her role as a mother trivialised by far too many men and misogynistic women.

itsgettingweird · 30/12/2022 14:36

Missedvocation · 30/12/2022 13:39

I’m sorry, ‘48 hours is a long time to be away from their mother’.

48 hours is a long time to be away from their Father! It really really wrankles me that people dismiss a Fathers involvement. Why are we so skewed to motherhood over fatherhood (BF aside).

👏👏👏👏

Lenald · 30/12/2022 14:37

upfucked · 30/12/2022 08:45

I disagree with alternative weekends. 48 hours is a ling time for a child to be away from their mother.

What hours do you work? What time does your child go to bed? What was the plan in your mind for what would happen when the relationship ended? What do you think is ideal for your son?

I would think either a full Saturday or a full Sunday would be good for now. With a promise to revisit it as needed eg when your ex increases her hours or when your little one starts school nursery or school.

Are you serious? But being away from a Father 24/7 isn’t to long?

No wonder men are climbing up buildings in superhero costumes.

Lenald · 30/12/2022 14:42

Felics · 30/12/2022 14:13

It easy to make these assumptions and gloss over various points. But as I've mentioned before, I would love to have equal custody. Reducing my hours is not a problem for me, however my employer has to agree to it. If they didn't it means looking for a new job.
As I am supporting mum, baby and me amid an ongoing cost of living crisis, these decisions are not as black and white as they may first appear.

We can make sweeping generalisations about how fathers behave and on the whole you would probably be correct (similarly, we can make generalisations about mothers who can use children as leverage) - but my situation is not like this.

It may mean making compromises and that is fully expected but when one party is unwilling to negotiate, offer alternatives or indeed compromise, I am left in a vacuum with limited options.

I definitely want to avoid court (and even mediation) if I can help it, but if all else fails, naturally I will be left with no option.

Show quote history

I have to say as a woman I’m fully appalled by some of the views on here.

How some women belittle a Fathers contribution is astounding to me, and there are many women who are whole heartedly against this. Women should not have more rights than Fathers it is a shocking thing to suggest and belittle a Fathers bond and the important relationship with their DC.

Get to mediation immediately, your ex is completely neglecting you child’s right to fair and adequate time with you and that is not ok. I know you want to be amicable but sometimes that’s out of your hands because it takes two to be wanting to be amicable and in this instance there is only one willing.

bellac11 · 30/12/2022 14:45

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 30/12/2022 14:05

Does this not come from the fact that more often than not mothers are the main carers for young children. Partly many men choose not to be the main carer because they don’t want to reduce hours etc.

The op himself does sound like he wants equal contact as he doesn’t sound overly keen on changing work routine. You can have both worlds. If you choose not to provide a bulk of care/equal care to the other parent, you can’t expect for the child to have the same relationship with you as the parent that is home with them when they are sick or gives up work to care for you as a baby.

You only have to talk to any number of parents and read threads on sites like this to see how women undermine men's contributions though. Either everything they do is wrong, or any parenting style is wrong/he's a twat/prick etc etc.

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 30/12/2022 14:50

@bellac11 So women are more often main caters because women undermine mens contribution? Is that your point?

I agree that can happen. However I also think many men (not all) choose not to be the main equal parent and choose this right from when the child is born. You can’t have your cake and eat it.

isthistheendtakeabreath · 30/12/2022 14:57

I have 1 year old twins - I wouldn't want their dad having them both Saturday and Sunday even if it is for 5 hours only. What about every weekend for one day only - cuts down travel for you on both days? What do you do when you visit - spend it around the mums house as can't see you taking the child out for 5 hours at a time each day? Which also makes it awkward for her

Luckycatt · 30/12/2022 14:57

As I am supporting mum, baby and me amid an ongoing cost of living crisis,

How are you supporting them? By paying CS? From your posts, it seems that you are still living in the family home and she has moved in with her family, and is working.