AIBU- mum refusing to help with childcare when I return to work.

[Essexgurlx]

Hello,
I am in my early 20s and fell pregnant unexpectedly a couple of months after finishing university and starting my professional career.
I have a partner of 5 years.
We decided to continue with the pregnancy despite it not being the best time in my life in respect to me newly graduating and starting my career!
My family were delighted when we told them.
My mum is a healthy fifty year old woman and hasn’t worked outside the home since she was around mid 20s and had me and my sibling and became a SAHM. She has lots of free time now as me and my sibling have both flown the nest and she does not plan to return to any work, does not study and does not volunteer etc.
My sibling is younger at university and will not be having children anytime soon.
I am going to be returning to work early next year and want to return full time. In my area full time nursery places are at least £1000 per month and I (stupidly now I realise) just expected my mum to offer to care for my baby multiple days a week.
My partner works 4 days per week in shift patterns where they would be overlap between our working hours but not to the extent of a full day. So for example I would work 7am-4pm and he would work 2pm-12pm meaning my mum would only need to provide child care 2-4pm not for full days or anything like that. My mum has made it clear she “doesn’t want to be tied down with a child” and is only interested in caring for her grandchild “every now and again”. She has asked me multiple times what my plan is for nursery care.
I am now feeling so stressed at how much nursery fees are going to cost.
My partner’s parents both work full time Monday to Friday similar hours to me so they can’t support but I think they would if they could and my dad is very busy with 2 jobs and not a lot of spare time at all. There is no other family to care for the baby while I am at work so I will have to put her in nursery or to a childminder.
AIBU to feel upset and let down by my mother?
I just expected more support from her- especially as she was so excited to have this first grandchild gloating to all her friends, posts about my baby all over her social media and threw a lavish baby shower inviting everyone she knew for her to now turn around and basically say she isn’t offering any support.
What would you do in this situation?

What I would I do? Stop being an entitled brat and step up to your responsibilities rather than expect your mum to do it for you!

She never offered you any childcare though. You made a massive and very entitled assumption.

OP you'll get loads of people piling on to say your baby your responsibility, but i agree with you that you are allowed to feel upset about the lack of support. Even a couple of hours here and there would be helpful.

You just need to move past this now and come up with a nursery/childcare plan that suits you and your partner, don't forget you are only responsible for 50% of the nursery costs, your partner is paying the rest so dont think of it only coming out of your salary.

Its also only until baby is 3 then funded hours will kick in

It's your baby, not hers. 🤷🏼‍♀️

She doesn't have to, would be nice if she would but you can't expect that of her. My mum works and still has my children while I work but when she tells me she can't, I make my own arrangements and pay for childcare. I don't expect her to help at all.

Congratulations on your pregnancy. You will get lots of responses from this. I think sadly you know the answer. Have you explicitly asked your mum?

If it were my daughter I would be delighted to help but, others will say your child, your responsibility. You may need to think about part time hours for a while, this is what I did.

It's tough but your mum has been honest so there is not a lot you can do. She is not obliged to look after the child. Personally I think she is being a bit selfish but like i said you cant force her

I think that you are being unreasonable. There's no reason that your mother should be expected to give up her life to bring up your child; any help that she does give should be viewed as a bonus, and a bit of a treat.

She's done her duty by bringing you up. Her job is done there now; it's your job to bring up your own children.

Some grandparents would be happy to help out, but it should never be expected.

yabu to expect free childcare just because she is granny.
Yes, some people are lucky enough to have parents willing to do this, but sadly your mother has made her position clear.

Unless your mother explicitly offered to do your childcare, you were wrong, and unreasonable, to assume she would.

I think you might have been reasonable that your mum might have offered to help but you shouldn’t have just assumed that and in any case I wouldn’t expect her to do the whole time.

I don't agree. The OP seems to be the seflish one here, having a child and not expecting to be responbsible for looking after it. I think that she needs to do some growing up before it arrives.

The mistake was expecting your mum to care for your child, could you reduce your hours instead, work 7 to 1 so there is no overlap with your partners hours. 2 hours 4 times a week is a big ask.

YABVU.

Your DM doesn't owe you multiple days of childcare a week.

You don't get to dictate how your mother spends her life. She is a person in her own right!

My mum never had my DC to stay overnight, not even once. I think she baby sat about five times in their entire life. They lived nearby, just had busy lives. It did affect our relationship but I would never ever have assumed she'd step is as regular unpaid nanny to my DC while i returned ot work.

What would I do?
I would accept and respect my mum's decision and understand that she doesn't actually owe me childcare.

I would feel really sad that she didn't want to because I think families should want to be there for each other and help each other but I would keep that to myself and keep reminding myself I have no entitlement to childcare from her and I would make other arrangements.

I would look into a childminder. Cheaper.

Comments on here are very mean as usual.

However, your mum didn't get pregnant with your baby and has no obligation to offer you any childcare.

Mine would have in a heartbeat so I get why you're disappointed. There's nothing you can do about it though and she owes you nothing in that respect, so you need to plan around that.

At least she didn't tell you she'd be available and then let you down, you know where you stand.

Thank you everyone for the honest replies. I did just expect more support as she was so excited throughout my pregnancy and said she’d support (but didn’t make any exact promises etc) and with her just living around the corner and not working or studying and still being fairly young and physically well I just didn’t think she’d mind having her grandchild for a few hours a few days a week but clearly that was presumptuous of me.

You shouldn’t have assumed. It’s a big ask to get a parent to commit to childcare - even if it’s only a couple of hours, it means she can’t plan anything on that day that might mean she wasn’t available in the middle of the day, can’t go on a day trip, on holiday or whatever.

Given what you’ve said about shift patterns perhaps you could reduce the cost by getting a mornings-only nursery or childminder place. Tax free childcare will also bring it down a bit.

How the hell is she being selfish by not wanting to provide childcare multiple days a week

You are being unreasonable to assume. I'm in your mums position age wise though I have a part time job, I've already told my DD's I am not planning on offering regular childcare so don't factor it into the equation when considering parenthood. I will of course do some babysitting and happy to be emergency childcare if available but on a regular basis even for 3 hours a day, no

I think babysitting now and again is great if grandparents can do it, I mean like nights out here and there. Expecting anyone to look after your baby as an ongoing commitment is unreasonable though, sorry. Your mum has her own life and help now and again is one thing but I’m not surprised she doesn’t want to do more.

YABVU unless she offered and then retracted the offer. Why should she look after your child? I bet you weren’t planning to pay her.

You'll feel less stressed once you get your nursery planning sorted and confirmed.

Its not your mums responsibility to look after your child, she has said that she will do so now and again for a bit of support. She also has been up front and honest with you and didnt promise anything she cant deliver.