AIBU- mum refusing to help with childcare when I return to work.

[Essexgurlx]

Hello,
I am in my early 20s and fell pregnant unexpectedly a couple of months after finishing university and starting my professional career.
I have a partner of 5 years.
We decided to continue with the pregnancy despite it not being the best time in my life in respect to me newly graduating and starting my career!
My family were delighted when we told them.
My mum is a healthy fifty year old woman and hasn’t worked outside the home since she was around mid 20s and had me and my sibling and became a SAHM. She has lots of free time now as me and my sibling have both flown the nest and she does not plan to return to any work, does not study and does not volunteer etc.
My sibling is younger at university and will not be having children anytime soon.
I am going to be returning to work early next year and want to return full time. In my area full time nursery places are at least £1000 per month and I (stupidly now I realise) just expected my mum to offer to care for my baby multiple days a week.
My partner works 4 days per week in shift patterns where they would be overlap between our working hours but not to the extent of a full day. So for example I would work 7am-4pm and he would work 2pm-12pm meaning my mum would only need to provide child care 2-4pm not for full days or anything like that. My mum has made it clear she “doesn’t want to be tied down with a child” and is only interested in caring for her grandchild “every now and again”. She has asked me multiple times what my plan is for nursery care.
I am now feeling so stressed at how much nursery fees are going to cost.
My partner’s parents both work full time Monday to Friday similar hours to me so they can’t support but I think they would if they could and my dad is very busy with 2 jobs and not a lot of spare time at all. There is no other family to care for the baby while I am at work so I will have to put her in nursery or to a childminder.
AIBU to feel upset and let down by my mother?
I just expected more support from her- especially as she was so excited to have this first grandchild gloating to all her friends, posts about my baby all over her social media and threw a lavish baby shower inviting everyone she knew for her to now turn around and basically say she isn’t offering any support.
What would you do in this situation?

Yep. My parents were both working when DD was small so no childcare from them. DD was very close to her grandparents. Even as an adult DD would ring them several times a week right up until my parents passed away in 2020.

having a tough day love?

I can understand the OP's sentiment, but she obviously is thinking about this in a very selfish way. First of all, she states mom does not work, does not volunteer, and she is not back in school. She assumes based on this that mum has no life so she should be willing to keep her grandchild! How selfish can a child be? Don't get me wrong, having familial support is great, especially when the cost of daycare is as high as it is, but to assume someone would just step in and do it is ludicrous. First of all, being a SAHM is A LOT of work. Your mom worked nonstop for 18+ years taking care of you and your sibling. Did it ever occur to OP that her mother is just enjoying a time in her life when she has no responsibilities? Had she ASKED her nicely, if she would be willing to help out in a pinch, when the normal day care is unavailable etc, maybe she would have been more inclined. The problem is, OP did not ask, she ASSUMED that her mum would be at her beck and call. I get the sentiment, a child raised by and cared for solely by family is a beautiful thing, but expecting someone to give up their time, their energy, and potentially their lifestyle, without even asking is rude and selfish. I am proud of the mum. OP should think of it this way, mum wants to enjoy her time as a grandparent and not feel like grandparenting is a job! OP needs to grow up and start thinking about others, not just herself. When she does, she may find that grandma will come around too.

@AclowncalledAlice Clearly you are very immature. It is very sad when children are having children. I only hope that you mature quickly so that your child does not inherit your ignorant sensibilities. First of all, I commend you for wanting to defend your partner, but your method needs work.

I am very sorry that the OP/ your partner has been in bed crying for days. The truth hurts though sometimes. She asked for people's opinions about her selfish mother but cannot stand that people are pointing out that she is the selfish one. I truly feel bad for her because being hormonal only makes hurt feelings worse.

If you truly love her, quit being a jerk on here and support her. Explain that you both will find a way to make it work. You are definitely not the first, not will you be the last, couple that has a child before they are financially ready. The economy is not forgiving right now in terms of having a child so things will be very tough, but you will both get by. As for the grandmother, did it ever occur to either of you that she was trying to force you both to grow up??? By forcing you to look at what you need to do to support your own child rather than using her as a crutch. What would you do if she died and was not around?

You may get lucky and when the baby comes, she may step in and help, but her current attitude towards her daughter and grandchild seems like a good thing. I would not want to help anyone that assumed I had no life and required me to care for their child because their lives were more important than what I had chosen for my own life. You and mum to be both need to grow up and start thinking of others, not just yourself!

What have I done????? I think you have tagged the wrong person. Please read what I wrote at the bottom of the shouty partner's post.

Your mother raised her children, now it is your turn to raise yours. You write as if she doesn't have a life. She does. Now it's her turn to put her feet up, sip a tea and read a good book or visit friends and go out to lunch. It's her turn to do whatever she wants to do. She deserves it, she's earned it and you have no right to complain.

So, I read that posts as:

"Hey mum, we messed up our birth control, I got pregnant, I don't want to pay 1k a month in childcare fees and because I dont value your time or needs as a person or as an individual because you were just a sahm, I expect you to be available to care for my child multiple times a week according to our schedule and needs. If you refuse I will view that as you being unsupportive of me and I will complain. Also, because I have never had a baby or raised a child before, I am being completely unrealistic in my view of how physically, mentally and emotionally draining it is to care for young children but I expect you to suck it up and do it anyway because you know, your excited to be a grandmother, this is the first grandkid amd because I am your daughter and this is what I want from you".

Seriously, why do you consider your mothers needs, wants and time so much less valuable then yours?

She might not mind a day or so but she might be looking further down the line when you and your sister have more. Best nip expectations in the bud early.

Use a childminder registered and inspected to the same standards as nursery providing the same education and your able to use the same government incentives like tax free childcare. Less likely to be charged z 40 hour week more likely to be charged half of that.

I am in precisely the same position as you and can't stop being very hurt that my MIL just doesn't want to help. She doesn't work, is healthy and lives 20 min away. I don't know, I always thought as a family we should be there for each other. Just weird this transactional position and feels for me as if it is not coming from a place of love and care. Surely you wouldn't want to see your children struggle when you can help? I don't know maybe I am a spoiled brat for that as some people suggest above...

@mama9876 Sorry but again this sounds quite entitled. Great if your MIL wants to look after your DC, but she is now probably thinking about living her best life which she is fully entitled to do after raising a family. It is your DC, you are responsible for making sure how they are looked after. Equally I could ask why you seem to think you have a right to considerable chunks of your MILs time so that your life will be easier?

Shes had her dc, you have your dc

She's already raised her family; it's now your job to raise yours. Her free time is not yours to exploit.

You're the one taking a transactional approach here, you know.

I obviously wouldn't force her into babysitting if she doesn't want to, but equally, I feel that it is ok to be upset. She is not a neighbour or an acquaintance, but a mum (in my case my husbands) and I just thought she would want to help and it would be a joy. I always thought that kids are born into a bigger family than just mum and dad, a village so to speak. I can see that my opinion is very unpopular here though, which really made me think.

I always thought that kids are born into a bigger family than just mum and dad, a village so to speak.

Of course they are, but that does not mean your MIL has to give up all her free time for your benefit.

Did you actually get pregnant and decide to bring a new person into this world on the basis that your MIL would be doing the childminding?

@mama9876 my parents and step-mother refused to look after and baby sit their grandchildren when they were alive. As far as they are concerned they had brought up their children and helped with their siblings.

However it didn't mean my older nephews and nieces didn't, and now in the case of my own DD don't, have other family members who wouldn't/won't go out of their way to baby sit.

I’ve been very invested in this.

Have the OP and her BF had the baby and posted back

I remember being quite jealous of some of my friends who's parents did regular babysitting with the grandchildren, as my parents never babysat mine, in first 15 years of my dd's life they babysat once and rang me after 2 hours as they thought dd was ill.

However now I'm coming up to retirement myself, after working over 40+ years, the thought of looking after a child, on a regular set basis would fill me with horror. It's not the child part, but being tired to a time and having to do it week in, week out. I would happily have my gc overnight on the odd weekend so my dd could have some time to herself, but definitely not on a regular basis so she could work. I've done my time raising kids and done my time 'working'

Given that the OP had her star handed to her on a plate, I imagine she’s cosied in on NetMums.

arse not star.

my phone is a prude.

😂😂