AIBU- mum refusing to help with childcare when I return to work.

[Essexgurlx]

Hello,
I am in my early 20s and fell pregnant unexpectedly a couple of months after finishing university and starting my professional career.
I have a partner of 5 years.
We decided to continue with the pregnancy despite it not being the best time in my life in respect to me newly graduating and starting my career!
My family were delighted when we told them.
My mum is a healthy fifty year old woman and hasn’t worked outside the home since she was around mid 20s and had me and my sibling and became a SAHM. She has lots of free time now as me and my sibling have both flown the nest and she does not plan to return to any work, does not study and does not volunteer etc.
My sibling is younger at university and will not be having children anytime soon.
I am going to be returning to work early next year and want to return full time. In my area full time nursery places are at least £1000 per month and I (stupidly now I realise) just expected my mum to offer to care for my baby multiple days a week.
My partner works 4 days per week in shift patterns where they would be overlap between our working hours but not to the extent of a full day. So for example I would work 7am-4pm and he would work 2pm-12pm meaning my mum would only need to provide child care 2-4pm not for full days or anything like that. My mum has made it clear she “doesn’t want to be tied down with a child” and is only interested in caring for her grandchild “every now and again”. She has asked me multiple times what my plan is for nursery care.
I am now feeling so stressed at how much nursery fees are going to cost.
My partner’s parents both work full time Monday to Friday similar hours to me so they can’t support but I think they would if they could and my dad is very busy with 2 jobs and not a lot of spare time at all. There is no other family to care for the baby while I am at work so I will have to put her in nursery or to a childminder.
AIBU to feel upset and let down by my mother?
I just expected more support from her- especially as she was so excited to have this first grandchild gloating to all her friends, posts about my baby all over her social media and threw a lavish baby shower inviting everyone she knew for her to now turn around and basically say she isn’t offering any support.
What would you do in this situation?

Grandparents who have a close and loving relationship with their GC have generally put the effort in to look after them.

It's fine if your Mum doesn't want to help but she won't get that close relationship.

It seems ridiculous to me that your Mum doesn't work at all and yet cannot spend a few hours with her GC.

My neighbour has her granddaughter all day every day they come around on the weekend sometimes too for family parties it sounds like so much fun is had by all I was a little jealous but she is a very involved caring grandmother but people are different sadly have you thought of a nanny service?

It won't be "just" 2-4 though. Add say 30 minutes travel time each end and the odd quick shop on the way home, dentist, roadworks etc. Is the baby even born yet?

Selfish??

(Bear in mind I do lots of childcare)

Was she asked if she wanted to do childcare before the OP had a baby? Why should it be assumed that she should want to?
She has her own life and I hope she enjoys it. She's only just got an 'empty nest'

Nonsense!

Regular childcare is not the only way to have a good relationship with your grandchildren.

You are asking your mother to make no plans in the week to offer 2 hours childcare- surely you can see that's madness?

YABVU.

What if your mum had an accident in a few years time and lost her mobility. Should she have spent those last few years of good health running around after your responsibility or enjoying herself and doing what she wanted to do?

will you want to see your mum as regularly / will she want to see you and your child for weekends or days out etc if she’s with them day in day out?

what is she doesn’t want the mess, the exhaustion, the tantrums all day long in her house? Your house is set up for it... hers isn’t anymore

what about expenses? Fuel, food etc. It’s not getting cheaper. How do you work that out without arguments?

what about her holidays? When will it not feel like a job or chore for her? Would you guilt trip her into not taking a spontaneous trip away because you couldn’t organise the backup care?

you’ve been very shortsighted and from your post you can tell you’re very entitled. Also those nursery costs are VERY reasonable. I’d start looking at nurseries...

Your mother is not your free child care. Your post is so unreasonable and hits so many entitled tropes that it’s hard to believe it was written by an adult who has any experience being a parent. You are going to do what every other set of parents do which is hire child care. Then you will share the careful balancing act of job and family with your child’s father. You will only call your mother for help with the occasionally actual emergency.

Another here who thinks that you are behaving like an entitled brat. Just because you became pregnant accidentally you can’t expect your mother to look after your child. It is you who is being selfish not your mother!

Your Mum has offered you ad hoc childcare - on an occasional basis. She hasn’t said she won’t be involved or help you. It’s far more than many get.

Regular childcare is a huge drain and commitment. It’s astonishing that anyone would assume their parent will do it without a conversation and how foolish to assume it when money is tight. Your Mum has said this to you, because she can see you are expecting her to commit and expect an awful lot - multiple days of any amount if hits even 2-4pm which is middle of day is taking over their life.

Time for a wake up about all kinds of things baby related and responsibility related. You’re the grown ups having the child. Lots of people live nowhere near their families and do it all. Be grateful for any ad hoc help you get. Maybe later once you’ve shown you can stand on your own 2 feet are are sorted, your parents might offer a little bit of regular care….or not. But it’s not their role to subsidise your childcare.

Sorry if OP thinks people have piled in, but this is time for the real world and being a grown up about to be a mother who has to take responsibility themselves. Children need and expect their mother to bail them out and it’s of course their role to do that then. Adults ideally have relationships with their parents that continue and are mutually supportive, within what works for both parties….but it’s no longer the responsibility of the parent to financially assist the adult child or to bail them out over choices they have made. And this decision to have a child is a big expensive one, that has to be entered into as an adult. Start communicating better. Don’t blame your mother here or pressure her to offer you childcare. That would be entirely unreasonable given what she’s said. Respect and accept her choice.

Did she ask you to go and get pregnant so she could child mind for a few hours for free smack in the middle of every day as she's got nothing to do and no commitments that you are aware of?
No?
Wonder why not?

OK, OP, if you did not have a job, would you be prepared to work for a relative in a new business venture (that you are excited for them about) for free, for several hours a day, on days when they want you there, not your choice of day, on likely varying days each week. And maybe hours smack in the middle of the day?
Wonder why not? And do you think it's unreasonable not to want to do this?

I know it's been said to death but asking someone to commit everyday to the middle of the day is a massive ask.

Maybe she would be willing to do one full day a week instead. But you can't really have expected her to shape her entire life around your working pattern?

What is your boyfriend doing to find childcare for the child you both wanted?

I’ll be excited when my grandchildren arrive, but I won’t be offering childcare. I have my own life.
I think your mum is being honest up front, she never promised and so, whilst you are disappointed you cannot criticise her at all.
YABVU (and quite entitled).

The only reason it seems common nowadays for grandparents to help out with childcare is because the whole system is messed up now so that a family can’t live off of two average incomes, let alone one.

Hopefully you mum might choose to help out in other ways if she sees you are struggling like buying the odd bit of shopping or helping with the odd laundry wash.

Just remember this when your own kids are having babies as personally, if someone has a child, I think it’s their responsibility to show support over grandchildren as part of their responsibility to their child.

Its not a popular view on MN though where people seem to kick their kids out at 16.

Bloody entitlement on here!

Sort out your own childcare arrangements!

And before I get shouted at - I had no family near to help (and my mother had died many years previously)
I had no maternity pay or leave so I had to leave work anyway. And I didn't work until I could have reciprocal arrangements with friends.

I do look after my own DGC quite a lot. My choice. Not an expectation - I offered. If I didn't want to they'd have to find an alternative.

Not expecting grandparents childcare was the best decision we made.

For the constant stuff (tying down regular days, that really screw up flexible retired life - which I can’t wait for) we sucked it up and paid eye watering fees.

But it meant we got weekends away, nights off, help when activities were full on. I never want to take my in-laws for granted they’ve done their time (my parents are dead) but know by doing that they are super flexible for the fun stuff, as they talk about their friends who have children who expect XYZ!

@Isaidnoalready nannies are extortionate. You have to employ them and sort out NI etc and cover leave.

a friend has a nanny in Greater London and she pays £3,400 ...a month 😧(nursery by comparison is £1500-1800)

OP could try an au pair but would need a room for them to stay, or a child minder... however they’re not much cheaper than a nursery, the good ones can be totally booked up and the age ranges of kids can be quite large

Your Mother was excited at being a grandmother, not a childminder.

"Assumptions are the mother of all fuck ups"

I understand your concerns regarding the cost of childcare but I think you're being really unreasonable. Your mum has had years of looking after children and now she wants to enjoy her freedom, it's a huge commitment to offer someone childcare on a regular basis.

If it’s only a for couple of hours, 4 days a week, get a childminder, it won’t cost much.

You need to change your thinking. Your mum is living her life how she wants to and is entitled to and you need to get on with yours.

It works both ways though. You’re at work all week, don’t plan your spare time around her if it doesn’t suit. My friends mum expected this, for my friend to fit in with her plans so she could see her granddaughter weekly. She wasn’t happy that by the time my friend had seen friends, spent time with her partner, had days out with their child, that she only got to see her grandchild every few weeks. She wanted every Saturday because it suited her. Just make sure you spend your time how you want to, like your mum is doing. Everyone should. We had similar in our family too. My kids aren’t close to their grandparents and really aren’t interested in seeing them.

YANBU to be disappointed and to have hoped for more. I wonder what their expectations will be regarding care when they're older and need support?

But she chose to have a child knowing full well that child might have their own child one day. She should have factored that in when she made her own decision about wanting a family.

Agree that it’s absolute crap that for grandparents to have a good relationship with the GC they need to be involved in regular childcare.

Too many parents these days aren’t willing to accept the responsibility of parenting and seem to expect their own parents to do it…and see it as an entitlement and lazy GP if they dare to want to do something else with their time. It doesn’t mean they don’t love their children or grandchildren. Those who plan based on GP doing childcare without a frank and open conversation and honest asking how GP feel about any kind of regular commitment, are foolish snd entitled. grand parenting isn’t about regular childcare and anyone who gets it willingly and freely offered is bloody lucky and should see themselves as that. Those who don’t don’t have less caring or loving GPs….quite simply those who no longer want the tie of regular childcare. Their days as parents to small children have passed and they want to do other stuff. It doesn’t matter if that involves sitting on the sofa all day watching TV…the childcare is the parental responsibility not that if GP.

Exactly