AIBU- mum refusing to help with childcare when I return to work.

[Essexgurlx]

Hello,
I am in my early 20s and fell pregnant unexpectedly a couple of months after finishing university and starting my professional career.
I have a partner of 5 years.
We decided to continue with the pregnancy despite it not being the best time in my life in respect to me newly graduating and starting my career!
My family were delighted when we told them.
My mum is a healthy fifty year old woman and hasn’t worked outside the home since she was around mid 20s and had me and my sibling and became a SAHM. She has lots of free time now as me and my sibling have both flown the nest and she does not plan to return to any work, does not study and does not volunteer etc.
My sibling is younger at university and will not be having children anytime soon.
I am going to be returning to work early next year and want to return full time. In my area full time nursery places are at least £1000 per month and I (stupidly now I realise) just expected my mum to offer to care for my baby multiple days a week.
My partner works 4 days per week in shift patterns where they would be overlap between our working hours but not to the extent of a full day. So for example I would work 7am-4pm and he would work 2pm-12pm meaning my mum would only need to provide child care 2-4pm not for full days or anything like that. My mum has made it clear she “doesn’t want to be tied down with a child” and is only interested in caring for her grandchild “every now and again”. She has asked me multiple times what my plan is for nursery care.
I am now feeling so stressed at how much nursery fees are going to cost.
My partner’s parents both work full time Monday to Friday similar hours to me so they can’t support but I think they would if they could and my dad is very busy with 2 jobs and not a lot of spare time at all. There is no other family to care for the baby while I am at work so I will have to put her in nursery or to a childminder.
AIBU to feel upset and let down by my mother?
I just expected more support from her- especially as she was so excited to have this first grandchild gloating to all her friends, posts about my baby all over her social media and threw a lavish baby shower inviting everyone she knew for her to now turn around and basically say she isn’t offering any support.
What would you do in this situation?

Your Mum has said she would have her grandchild every now and then but she doesn't want to commit to a regular arrangement and nor should she have to, she has her own life to lead.

She's your child's grandmother not their childminder. My Mum had my DS one day a week to begin with but it got too much for her so I added an extra day at nursery. You do what you have to do.

Don’t you think your mother has don’t enough childcare looking after you and your sister? She put her life on hold to be there for you both, after school, all holidays, and that still isn’t good enough? Would you be prepared to offer that sacrifice for your own child? No! You expect your mother to carry on! Talk about expectations.

Don't blame her to be honest, different seeing them now and again, but as you get older you don't want the responsibility on a permanent basis, especially when you've brought your own kids up.

She’s done it for her own children. That is probably enough for a life time! If my daughter assumed I would look after her baby because I chose to stay at home with her when she was a baby, I would actually feel pretty outraged.

She is supporting you. She’s said she’ll do occasional babysitting and she’s thrown you a nice baby shower. Describing her excitement as gloating isn’t nice, why do you say that? Are you suggesting she doesn’t have a right to be excited unless she’s willing to commit to regular childcare? I’d be grateful for what you’ve got rather than haven’t got.

My parents are amazing and had my boys for a few hours one day a week but "several days" from "2-4" for what sounds like 4 days a week is a massive commitment. It's basically a part time job and limits her going away or making plans to go somewhere for the day. My parents were clear that they were really happy to help but it wasn't something they could guarantee every week of the year and I had to have alternative childcare available if they couldn't make it which I think is entirely fair.

I think your expectation was totally unrealistic.

As usual the same old nasty comments!! These women get kicks out of it and I bet they're a miserable because they're sat on their fat arses on their phones all day!

OP I get you, I have very little support from either grandparents, it's hard work to be honest and I feel resentful of friends who save money and therefore earn more than me because a 1/4 or more of their nursery bill is shaved off.
I think you will just have to suck it up and budget so it works for you and remember the 30 free hours kick in after their 3rd birthday x

I'm with your mother here, babysitting and emergency childcare would be the extent of what I would be offering. A couple of hours in the middle of the day would be a tie for your mum and very unfair of you to presume she would do so.

I can see both sides too.

its okay to feel sad your mum doesn’t want to be that involved but it is her right and you were wrong to assume.

My mum provided childcare for both my siblings and whilst she did get tired, she loved the relationship she had with her grandchildren. My dc were slightly different because we don’t live nearby but she still offered to have them in holidays etc.

I have never expected it though, my mum gave her time freely.

Everyone is different, your mum may or may not change her mind once her dgc arrives. Ultimately you do need to sort something out though.

I worked nights when our dc were little as a way to avoid childcare costs. DH worked in the week, me weekend nights. It was brutal but we saved a lot of money.

Agree with this. It's very bitty. And right in the middle of the day makes it a big commitment.
I'm not much younger than your mum and whilst I look forward to having grandchildren I wouldn't want to commit myself to looking after them every week as I still have lots I want to do in my own life while I still can.

As usual the same old nasty comments!! These women get kicks out of it and I bet they're a miserable because they're sat on their fat arses on their phones all day!

ODFOD

Your mum might not work outside the home but she has her own life to lead. Not everyone enjoys looking after babies or small children. Perhaps she found those years very difficult and doesn't want to do it again. Looking after a baby several times a week is a huge committment and your mother has been honest to tell you she can't so that.
You should research nurseries and childminders.

Why would you assume such a tying commitment from someone?

It sounds as though it was to be several days a week though, every week. That means no lunches out, drives in the country, holidays, shopping trips etc on those days, for years.

If it was 3pm-5pm a couple of days per week, with some flexibility then that'd be a bit easier, but lunchtime, for two hours, on the daughter's schedule is a huge comittment.

Ah yes, because the only thing she could possibly fill her time with is providing free childcare 🙄

Jeeesh, she has a life of her own. If she did a couple of hours in the middle of each day, it'd get in the way of life / plans. Tbh in her shoes I'd probably be thinking I'd just be default childcare if shifts changed or things came up etc.

No one can tell you how to feel OP, but the saying is never assume - I'm not sure why you didn't ask sooner.

Babysitting for you here and there is fine, but she is certainly not being selfish by not wanting to provide regular childcare! She has her own life. It doesn’t really matter that she doesn’t work, study, or volunteer, she’s not obligated to provide you with free childcare.

were you going to pay her?

@PaddingtonBearStareAgain you've given yourself away there 😂

Completely unreasonable. Almost laughable, truth be told.

These costs unfortunately... well, it's life! You find a way. Simple as that.

I was 23 when I had my first. When I returned to work full time it was the worst off (financially) I could be. Best scenario was to quit my job and claim unemployment benefits, 2nd best was to go part time and claim tax credits to top up as best as possible, and worst was working full time (would have cost more to work, commute, and pay nursery than I earned!).

I decided part-time for the sake of my career. It meant that after 4 short years, when child was in school, I could go back to full time.

Sorry, but to expect your mother to do your job for you is extremely poor. Regardless of what other people's parents do. It's her choice and she is 1000% entitled to say do one.

I sympathise in that things are shit for new parents but it's always been the way. If its any consolation, it made having my second MUCH easier as I fully understood the impact of what being a mum meant to our income and finances.

Good luck,and buy your mum some flowers or bake her a cake to apologise.

You need to flip the negatives into positives - many women will be doing this at some point in their careers, you are just getting it out the way early.

Try and devote time to both. Could you drop to 4 days per week? Work out a weekly schedule for you and your partner, then look into the best option for childcare. Remember tax free childcare will take 20% off.

Good luck.

As someone whose worked full time for 35 years and p/t for three and whose D.C. are coming to that age let me tell you how I feel.

Im knackered, I also volunteer for half a day, I care for my elderly mum and take her to all her appointments (there are many), i have three pets, I do all mums admin, project manage her house maintenance, take her for her food shopping, decorate for her. Take her to the garden centre, entertain her on weekends. Drop everything for my D.C. when they need someone to wait home for the plumber or electrician. Do everything in my own house, life admin, cooking, cleaning, gardening.

plenty more on top.

you know what? After two kids and all the above, I really can’t get excited about child minding on top.

at what point in my life, do I get me time? Am I destined to be a carer for everyone else then die?

Your kid, you’re child care.

YABU. But you're not the first to assume a grandmother who's excited about a baby would like to be free (?) childcare weekly. She has a child free lifestyle and routine, and a few hours for four days is really rather restrictive. You would be very foolish to retaliate or cut off support. She will support you, just not is this demanding way. She's already supporting you by helping you think through childcare. Children are expensive.

I would ask her if she would do one day a week, fully expecting her to say no. But it would help you with fees a little.

But from your opening post, you want a lot.
It seems as if you want her to look after your DC from 2-4 4 days a week. It may only be a couple of hours per day, but effectively prevents her from doing anything else that day.
It's a big ask.
You might get a better response if you asked her to do one day, which is a bit more response.

I was lucky in an unfortunate situation. My mum was terminally ill when I had my kids. I only went back part time three days a week so PIL had them one day a week and my parents had my kids two days a week. Mum managed as best she could, the kids took her mind off being ill, my dad did the bulk of childcare. We didn't expect, they offered. When my mum died, my dad had my kids one day a week and we used nursery for the other day.
If I have my own grandkids one day I would offer to help say two days weeks but no more.
Childcare costs are expensive but something to take into account when having kids.

Assuming your joint income is

Aren't you a delight