AIBU- mum refusing to help with childcare when I return to work.

[Essexgurlx]

Hello,
I am in my early 20s and fell pregnant unexpectedly a couple of months after finishing university and starting my professional career.
I have a partner of 5 years.
We decided to continue with the pregnancy despite it not being the best time in my life in respect to me newly graduating and starting my career!
My family were delighted when we told them.
My mum is a healthy fifty year old woman and hasn’t worked outside the home since she was around mid 20s and had me and my sibling and became a SAHM. She has lots of free time now as me and my sibling have both flown the nest and she does not plan to return to any work, does not study and does not volunteer etc.
My sibling is younger at university and will not be having children anytime soon.
I am going to be returning to work early next year and want to return full time. In my area full time nursery places are at least £1000 per month and I (stupidly now I realise) just expected my mum to offer to care for my baby multiple days a week.
My partner works 4 days per week in shift patterns where they would be overlap between our working hours but not to the extent of a full day. So for example I would work 7am-4pm and he would work 2pm-12pm meaning my mum would only need to provide child care 2-4pm not for full days or anything like that. My mum has made it clear she “doesn’t want to be tied down with a child” and is only interested in caring for her grandchild “every now and again”. She has asked me multiple times what my plan is for nursery care.
I am now feeling so stressed at how much nursery fees are going to cost.
My partner’s parents both work full time Monday to Friday similar hours to me so they can’t support but I think they would if they could and my dad is very busy with 2 jobs and not a lot of spare time at all. There is no other family to care for the baby while I am at work so I will have to put her in nursery or to a childminder.
AIBU to feel upset and let down by my mother?
I just expected more support from her- especially as she was so excited to have this first grandchild gloating to all her friends, posts about my baby all over her social media and threw a lavish baby shower inviting everyone she knew for her to now turn around and basically say she isn’t offering any support.
What would you do in this situation?

Wow!

yabu

your mother doesn't have to do any childcare and you sound very entitled

Super looking forward to my first and likely only grandchild who is due this year. I'm going to love looking after them, a few hours once a month or so. I won't be providing childcare.

Congratulations
i would find that hard but there’s nothing you can do It’s her choice
habe to admit our help from parents has been absolutely invaluable over the years. However as an only child my parents were able to focus all their grandparent energies into my kids knowing there would not be more.

My Mil has been very helpful too but has been very careful not to help one of her three children significantly more than the other, with childcare. That might be a factor in your mum’s thinking. If she helps you several times a week she may think your siblings will expect that one day too.

It's a shame she won't do one or two days a week but I guess that's her perogative

I must admit I'm envious of your mum not having to work but it's her life. I'm surprised she doesn't want to help once a week

I would like to help out with dgd but she lives on the other side of the country

Two hours a day, in the middle of every day, is massively restricting for your mum. She can't have a day out, she can only just have a morning anywhere. And she can't go on holiday or do anything spontaneous.

Your being massively entitled. One would hope that most grandparents would step in to have their DGC in an emergency, or for the occasional day. But you're asking for an every working day commitment, and no, that's not reasonable.

Just to piss on your chips - purely because of your nasty remarks - they aren’t actually thirty free hours, they are thirty subsidised hours unless you the provision is used in a school nursery class ( which was always free anyway) and most private nursery providers will need to have the subsidy topped up with hard cash so they can make a living and keep viable.

I think the OP is learning an important lesson in responsibility here good for Granny 👍.

childcare is so expensive I understand, but unfortunately you will have to cough up for it now.

could she do one day a week for you?

You'd be better off going down the childminder route in this instance. Nursery will lock you into paying for entire afternoons which gets pricey. They don't usually charge an hourly rate (not where I live anyway).

Just for reference, my Mum was a nanny well into her 60s. For her, as an older person nearing retirement but still fit and well this would have been the perfect job for her - just doing a couple of hours, a few times a week.

She was trust worthy, qualified, and OK- she wasn't running around play grounds with toddlers but she'd get out the paint sets, make lovely home-made dinners, read stories, take them out for a walk around the park - depends on the families wishes really. She was basically a hired Grandma, haha. The kids she minded are mostly all grown up now. They still come by her house to say hello. She's Facebook friends with them all. But it was families and situations like you're in that were the jobs my Mum took on. She wanted an income but not full time work.

So if it's just 2-4pm - I think you could find something similar.

It's a shame you're Mum can't/won't help but not much you can do really.

Perhaps it's for the best though, you can do things your way, it might starve off some of the motherly 'unsolicited' advice! Haha.

I don't think Yabu or Yanbu - I think you're just disappointed and now slightly panicking but you'll find a solution and it may work out for you better in the long run anyway.

I think looking after a child (grandchild) for 2 hours a day is worse that looking after them for say two whole days. Two hours on a afternoon is very tying. Especially mid afternoon. You would struggle to do anything without worrying that you had to get home.

My mum isn't fit to care for my DC so my career has been on back burner for 15 years. It's not her responsibility to cover childcare so I can get back to work.

I think if I was your DM I wouldn't want to be tied down to regular hours until/unless I'd tried it. Why don't you say "Can you do two hours this Thursday?" (or whatever) without committing her to anything beyond that and see how it goes? Not ideal for you I know, but just take it slowly with her and you both might be surprised, you never know.

You made assumptions. That's never a good idea.

You’re mum has had her children and it’s her time now to choose what she does or doesn’t offer. I am sure she will help out but that is a big difference to a commitment of regular days. I agree with her to be honest. I have 6 DC and I have to say when they start having their own families I will of course help out when they are stuck or take them out in holidays etc but I would not want a weekly commitment. I want to be able to at the drop of a hat go out, go on holiday etc. all the things I can’t do now. So it is down to you to sort childcare and be grateful if any time she is prepared to give you

just didn’t think she’d mind having her grandchild for a few hours a few days a week but clearly that was presumptuous of me.

I imagine you had it planned to be a lot more than just a few hours a day, a few times of the week.”

Yabu. Very much so.

You and your partner chose to have the child so the responsibilities lie with you, not your mother.

You know you’re BU. Very much.

You’ll have to have mat/pat leave between you and your partner, so that’s about a year or so then a CM and that will be a tough year then you’ll get a funded place.

Your mum will be there for much more fun times and babysitting.

Start saving now.

But it's not just 'a few hours a few days a week' is it? It's going to be more like ten hours a day for up to five days a week! I wouldn't want that.

You are trivialising the ask. "just a couple of hours" "a few days a week" is actually asking her to organise her own life around another commitment several days a week, every week. How would you feel is someone simply assumed you would be making that kind of commitment for them despite your saying otherwise?

Even one whole day a week is a lot easier to manage than a few hours, several days a week (and how predictable are those shift patterns - is it even the same days every week?).

You and your partner will need to sort out childcare and let DGPs be DGPs with casual help /babysitting and emergency support rather than providing free daily childcare.

I can see why you would assume she would help,I see so many grandparents doing the school run..

we get no help either.

YADNBU but you’ll get flamed on here. Imagine being lucky enough to bring your kids up when one wage was enough and you could stay at home, but then not helping your kids out when one wage isn’t enough…very mean spirited.

my mum texts my 14 year old to get him to come round after school because they are so close since she helped with childcare when he was young…their bond is so much better than mine was with my grandparents who weren’t involved at all in my upbringing at all

I hope your mum is just worried she is going to be stuck raising a child again, and comes round to the idea of having your little one occasionally instead

i think if you were asking for all day several times a week, that would be a big ask. 2-4 once a week is far less of a commitment, but would save you a big chunk off nursery fees. Can’t believe she won’t to be honest. She doesn’t have to, but doesn’t mean she isn’t being a bit of an arse.

if it’s 2-4pm you’d only need an afternoon/ half day place at nursery, so hopefully not £1000?

My Mum’s first grandchild was born when she was 42 and if asked to do childcare she’d always say ‘If I wanted a baby then I’d go have a baby’. Fair enough😂

It is your child and your responsibility.

Your mother has made her wishes clear, find alternative childcare.

I assume that when you decided to keep the child, you and your partner considered the fact that you would need to find childcare once you started working? You should have discussed this with your relatives at the time so it should not come to you as a surprise to you now.

Seriously you come across as entitled. Your mother has offered to help on occasion by does not want to be your unpaid childminder everyday. That does not sound unreasonable to me...

YABU OP. You definitely can't expect your mum to be your free childcare. Although IME there is no such thing as free childcare, you just pay for it in other ways and then you'll be moaning you have to have your parents every Christmas or similar.

I'm more interested why your dad is doing 2 jobs and your mum doing none.