AIBU- mum refusing to help with childcare when I return to work.

[Essexgurlx]

Hello,
I am in my early 20s and fell pregnant unexpectedly a couple of months after finishing university and starting my professional career.
I have a partner of 5 years.
We decided to continue with the pregnancy despite it not being the best time in my life in respect to me newly graduating and starting my career!
My family were delighted when we told them.
My mum is a healthy fifty year old woman and hasn’t worked outside the home since she was around mid 20s and had me and my sibling and became a SAHM. She has lots of free time now as me and my sibling have both flown the nest and she does not plan to return to any work, does not study and does not volunteer etc.
My sibling is younger at university and will not be having children anytime soon.
I am going to be returning to work early next year and want to return full time. In my area full time nursery places are at least £1000 per month and I (stupidly now I realise) just expected my mum to offer to care for my baby multiple days a week.
My partner works 4 days per week in shift patterns where they would be overlap between our working hours but not to the extent of a full day. So for example I would work 7am-4pm and he would work 2pm-12pm meaning my mum would only need to provide child care 2-4pm not for full days or anything like that. My mum has made it clear she “doesn’t want to be tied down with a child” and is only interested in caring for her grandchild “every now and again”. She has asked me multiple times what my plan is for nursery care.
I am now feeling so stressed at how much nursery fees are going to cost.
My partner’s parents both work full time Monday to Friday similar hours to me so they can’t support but I think they would if they could and my dad is very busy with 2 jobs and not a lot of spare time at all. There is no other family to care for the baby while I am at work so I will have to put her in nursery or to a childminder.
AIBU to feel upset and let down by my mother?
I just expected more support from her- especially as she was so excited to have this first grandchild gloating to all her friends, posts about my baby all over her social media and threw a lavish baby shower inviting everyone she knew for her to now turn around and basically say she isn’t offering any support.
What would you do in this situation?

The issue is that you expected her to do so without having a conversation and now feel annoyed and let down. Bottom line is you're deciding to have a baby so arranging childcare etc is on you and your have to facilitate that. I was in similar situation to you in that I had a child early 20s, nursery fees were 1.8k a month - my parents still worked themselves so just had to grin and bare the prices.

Ultimately it's not her issue and she's right to say she doesn't want to be tied down with a child given that she's raised you and your sibling. Perhaps she now wants to enjoy her life without committing to regular childcare.

Good on her for telling you now rather than her making a half hearted commitment and really leaving you in the shit further down the line.

Since when is not offering your life up on a plate for your adult offspring to decide what to do with it ‘selfish’?! Her life is her own and it’s staggering that anyone considers it ‘selfish’ of her to actually want to make her own choices about her own life and how to spend her time! What have I just read?

What’s selfish is people who have any notion that they’re entitled to other peoples’ time at the click of their fingers! The absolute epitome of cheeky fuckery is the number of grown adults who think this way, feel some weird sense of entitlement to their parents unpaid labour. At least the OP is upfront about her brass neck unlike the posters who pretend they completely understand why a grandparent wouldn’t choose an unpaid part time job to restrict their lives in their later years then follow up with some faux sad face nonsense about how it is a SHAME though when people don’t want to help FAMILY… 🙄

You made a massive assumption based on nothing! You pretty much expected your mum to give up 4 days a week every week for the next 5 years, and you didn't even ask her!? That's insane, I'm sorry.

Of course she is excited...to be a Grandmother.... not a childminder!
You sound SO entitled.. a lot of growing up coming your way very soon.

I'm sure you mum is very excited to be a grandmother, I can't wait either, but there's no way I'd give up my retirement to look after my grandchild on a regular basis. Every now and again I wouldn't mind, but only when it's convenient to me.

Your baby, your responsibility. You've made some huge, selfish assumptions.

YABVU, you are being entitled and selfish

As a childminder I hear this tale time and time again. You should've discussed this a long time ago but YABVU to just expect a grandparent to cover all your childcare needs regardless of whether she works or not she's raised her children and is entitled to do what suits her.

I hope that I'm able to help my children out with childcare when the time comes however I don't know if I will feel the same when the time comes. I just hope my children aren't like you and banking on free childcare.

Also you wouldn't just need childcare between the hours of 2-4 you need to allow for travel time too. What you need to do now is look at childcare availability in your area and stop feeling so hard done by.

As usual the same old nasty comments!! These women get kicks out of it and I bet they're a miserable because they're sat on their fat arses on their phones all day!

Says the poster who freely admits the resentment she feels to her own parents for not working for her for free…sounds pretty miserable way of thinking to me!

I'm your mum's age, too right I'm sat on my fat arse on my phone. It's knackering getting older & I didn't work my arse off when younger to be told I'm now a glorified childminder because you cocked up contraception.

Too busy running round after oldies refusing to behave like adults.

“a few hours a few days a week”.

Its too open ended OP. You’re asking too much.
she has her own life, her own priorities, even if they’re not work or study, she still has stuff she does.

I can see her point of view. I wouldn’t want to be tied down either. You’re ok to ask maybe 1 day a week, but not take every day. That’s not very considerate.

pay for nursery or give up work. Sadly that’s life.

Of course it’s a reverse!

Your mum has brought up her kids. Her parenting days are over and she doesn’t want to go back there, which is fair enough. It’s your child, you need to look after it. It’s not your mum’s responsibility.

Ooooh! What makes you think that?

But from your opening post, you want a lot.
It seems as if you want her to look after your DC from 2-4 4 days a week. It may only be a couple of hours per day, but effectively prevents her from doing anything else that day.
It's a big ask

I should say it's a big ask. And if your hours are 7-4 and your DP is going to start work at 2pm then it's probably more like a three, three and a half hour gap that needs covering (once you've added in travelling time). She'd have to be a saint to want to tie herself down to say 1pm till 4.30pm four days a week.

Could she possibly help for example.commit to Monday all day (which obviously won't be all day) and half day Wednesday? Or something along them lines to reduce costs. Might save you about 300 per month

You can feel it’s selfish all you like OP but your kids, your childcare issues essentially. I’m “only” 40 years old but absolutely dreading these conversations with my kids when they have flown the nest and starting their own families. I have dropped everything for my kids, given up on nearly everything for them. I have done so happily. But once they are adult, I am truly looking forward to some time travelling, chilled days where I can come and go as I please, just put on a pair of shoes and off I go… I will have done enough sacrifices by this point and I really hope my kids will understand that my body is tired and it’s finally time for me to do what I want, when I want.
I would happily help out by choice but to commit myself to being someone’s beck and call whenever? No I wouldn’t want to do this. My body is already complaining at 40 and I’ve been through a lot. I shouldn’t have to explain this or be called selfish!

What do you do?

Suck it up like the rest of us that have no support.

You've learnt your lesson. Albeit the hard way

@DrinkFeckArseGirls
Of course it’s a reverse!
Ooooh! What makes you think that?*

Because the OP is so outrageously unreasonable!!?

Your mum has raised her family (not very well going by your level of entitlement and lack of understanding). She is in her 50s, probably menopausal, perhaps the last decade of her life where she can really enjoy it before hitting health/caring issues many face at this age and you want her to give up being able to make plans for over 50% of her week to cover 2 hrs early afternoon childcare for you?

She has given you her completely reasonable response to your request. Accept it with no judgement and start planning your childs care.

Someone will be along in a minute to advise that you ensure she knows you won’t be providing any form of help or care for her in her old age. According to a scary number of mumsnet posters, parents have to earn that sort of thing by working as an unpaid childminder for several years first. The whole ‘but it’s faaaaaamily, you help faaaaaaamily’ only works one way, the other way it must be earned.

Oh and others will advise that you never take your kids to visit her either, OP, given that she clearly can’t be bothered with her grandkids if she isn’t jumping up and down at the thought of cancelling retirement in favour of an unpaid nanny position.

These threads always make me feel so sad and just gutted for the grandparents who basically know they have to take on a childminder role if they have any hope of involvement in their grandchildren’s lives, because that’s all their kids are interested in them for.

Disgusting attitude.
Yours that is.
I'm 50 and the last thing I'd want to be doing is raising an unplanned grandchild. I don't also see why it should be down to her any more than your partner's mother, or even father. Why is it females expected to step up? Surely you wouldn't tie anyone down like that??! Astounding.
We had 'emergency help' only with both our DC and I fully understood why.
And beholden to no one.

Please. Why are people answering this thread as if it's real? Just even look at the op's username for a start.

Came on to say this. It's so unreasonable for you to even think this is a reasonable ask!

Because regardless of whether it's real or not it's a fact that lots of new parents think that grandparents should cover childcare.

OP has been around for a while

Hilarious.

Your mum has raised her children. She is now looking forward to enjoying herself in her 50s and doing what she wants to do when she wants to do it. Potentially including travel. Which means committing to looking after someone else's child (for free!) would prevent her from doing those things.

Babies and toddlers are tiring. Your mum may 'only' be in her 50s, but there's a reason women generally don't give birth in their late 40s onwards ... they take a toll!

Your decided to have a baby. This is a problem for you and the baby's father to solve.