AIBU- mum refusing to help with childcare when I return to work.

[Essexgurlx]

Hello,
I am in my early 20s and fell pregnant unexpectedly a couple of months after finishing university and starting my professional career.
I have a partner of 5 years.
We decided to continue with the pregnancy despite it not being the best time in my life in respect to me newly graduating and starting my career!
My family were delighted when we told them.
My mum is a healthy fifty year old woman and hasn’t worked outside the home since she was around mid 20s and had me and my sibling and became a SAHM. She has lots of free time now as me and my sibling have both flown the nest and she does not plan to return to any work, does not study and does not volunteer etc.
My sibling is younger at university and will not be having children anytime soon.
I am going to be returning to work early next year and want to return full time. In my area full time nursery places are at least £1000 per month and I (stupidly now I realise) just expected my mum to offer to care for my baby multiple days a week.
My partner works 4 days per week in shift patterns where they would be overlap between our working hours but not to the extent of a full day. So for example I would work 7am-4pm and he would work 2pm-12pm meaning my mum would only need to provide child care 2-4pm not for full days or anything like that. My mum has made it clear she “doesn’t want to be tied down with a child” and is only interested in caring for her grandchild “every now and again”. She has asked me multiple times what my plan is for nursery care.
I am now feeling so stressed at how much nursery fees are going to cost.
My partner’s parents both work full time Monday to Friday similar hours to me so they can’t support but I think they would if they could and my dad is very busy with 2 jobs and not a lot of spare time at all. There is no other family to care for the baby while I am at work so I will have to put her in nursery or to a childminder.
AIBU to feel upset and let down by my mother?
I just expected more support from her- especially as she was so excited to have this first grandchild gloating to all her friends, posts about my baby all over her social media and threw a lavish baby shower inviting everyone she knew for her to now turn around and basically say she isn’t offering any support.
What would you do in this situation?

Giving a baby shower is very different to looking after your baby for free for days a week!

There's been a massive communications failure here. You need to start looking for childcare options, I'm afraid.

And YABU - your mum does not have to look after your baby. It would be nice if she wanted to, but...

You have to respect her wishes, I agree. Another thing if your partner is working shifts is that she might think she is asked to be on call at all times to facilitate your changing needs. This wouldn't be fair on her. I think it is probably okay for you to ask once more, something very specific eg could you do 2-4pm on a Wednesday, but if she says no that is still fine. I sympathise having had my first child just after university and no family support, it is tough. A childminder might be better for you than nursery if you don't need full days.

I think it's a shame that she won't do at least one day if she's able. But ultimately it's not her responsibility.

Children are expensive and you just have to accept that this is your situation.

I can see both sides. It would be very convenient if your Mum did want to provide you with free childcare. But I also fully understand her not wanting to be tied down. What if you had another child a few years down your line. Then your sister after that - your Mum could be signing up to over a decade of childcare. So although I can see both sides, I am with your Mum on this one. And I do think it's very unfair of your to say your Mum is not offering any support. She's not offering the support - and massive commitment - you wrongly just assumed she would provide.

mum Owes you zero childcare. Even if she’s delighted it doesn’t mean she has volunteered to be the unpaid babysitter.

She isn't refusing to ever babysit, she's just clearly stating her boundaries. She is not your day to day childcare. Deal with it.
I had a baby in your position. Never had anything more than some summer holiday cover from parents and in laws. Which was fine because it was my baby not theirs. You may be worse off than you thought, you may have to change your job and your partner likewise. That's part of being an adult.

Of course you can be sad about it.

But you should also be really appreciative of her offer of babysitting every now and again. Having the odd night out with your partner while not having pay for a babysitter and your child being looked after by someone who loves them is an amazing thing which not everyone has.

Calling a reverse

OP, my mum and in laws didn’t help with any childcare, but largely because they live too far away. I’ve paid for every minute of childcare I’ve ever had, and to be honest it’s not a bad thing. My DC’s nursery/after school clubs etc have never gone on holiday, been ill, wanted to change my days, go for lunch with a friend etc. what I’m saying, I’ve paid, but I’ve had a very reliable service. My eldest is nearly 14, and my youngest is about to leave primary school. I’ve just paid my last childcare bill, but I’ve never been let down by my childcare provider. All my friends/colleagues with grandparent care have been let down at some point - often at very short notice. It cost a fortune, in terms of fees, one/both of us working P/T, and holidays have suffered, but it’s been extremely reliable.

You got pregnant. You sort it out.

I say this as someone from the same position. Had my kids young and their dad left. I had to figure it out on my own.

I'm sorry she's not willing to help, it really would be a help but she's clearly not interested in doing that for you and there's no point getting upset about it as (selfish as it is) it is her right.

I don't think your mum is unreasonable here. She has said she'll have her grandchild sometimes and that's her choice.
I am 48 and my 7 year old grandson, who I absolutely adore, knackers me out. I'm happy to look after him now and again, but would I want to provide regular childcare?? No.

YABVU. Your problem was in the expectation that your mother didn’t deserve to have put on her. Being excited about having a grandchild does not equate to wanting to provide regular childcare. Are you expecting your DPs parents to be less excited and care less about the baby just because they can’t provide childcare?

The thing is 2 hours in the middle of the day multiple times a week would be a massive commitment and totally dominate her week, it's not like it's like 9-11 every other Tuesday.

I think it's a big ask to expect your mum to have your DC every day, even if just for a couple of hours, because it will stop her from making plans that last all day. That's a big commitment. I know some grandparents do help out with regular childcare, and that's great if they're happy to do it, but it's unfair to expect it. My parents were very excited when I was expecting DS and adore him now he's here, but they're not willing to do regular childcare and I wouldn't have asked them to. They'll help out in an emergency, like if the childminder is ill, but that's it.

I second PP's suggestion of a childminder, my son does to a lovely one and it's much cheaper than nursery.

Theres nothing you can do. There's nothing your mum should do. I absolutely don't blame her, and I don't think I will be tying myself down as childcare in the future for any potential grandkids either.

Speak to work soon, get some flexible working in, try and get it for your partner so he has consistent shifts too. You get tax free childcare, so 20% of the cost is covered.

I appreciate that it's not very nice for you, but it is, in the nicest possible way, your baby= your problem. And I would make that clear to your mum too, as it sounds like she's worried and feeling guilty about the situation too.

For the record, we pay for all childcare but my mum has been kind enough to cover occasional days that the childminder is sick/ away- maybe 4 in two years. If your mum offers that, it's a great help, as these days always fall when you're stupidly busy.

You made an assumption. Having your dc for just a few hours at a time is massively disrupting for your child as well dm. It os not just your working hours but the time taken to get to and from work.A childminder might be more flexible and cheaper than nursery but timing may not work if they do school pick ups.

You will have to do what most other people do- pay for the childcare you need, or one or both parents change/ reduce their hours. The fact you are just starting out on your career doesn't make it any different.
I cannot believe you just expected your mum to take care of your baby. Do you expect your mum to take care of all your difficulties.YOU are the mum now. It's your time to step up and take responsibility and be an adult. It is your mum's time to enjoy her life- she has been SAHM so she may well have sacrificed any career ambitions. Why would she want to do childcare for your child. Sounds like she feels her child raising is finally done and she is absolutely entitled to say no.
If you try to understand her position, she may well help you out when your arrangements don't work out- e.g. if you or your child are sick, and this will be invaluable. And you should be very grateful.

I can see why you thought she’d help more- but - as someone who is nearer to your Mums age than yours I can absolutely relate to how she feels! I wouldn’t want to do any childcare either. I mean, sure I’d enjoy the odd day here and there with my Grandchildren but it’s a completely different thing “having” to be available on set days / times. It’s a weight of responsibility and having already done my bit of raising my own two dc there’s no way I’d want to be so involved in the young child care bit again. It’s exhausting, even if you are in good health etc.

From your post you reveal that the parents of your child will be you and your partner who are both working adults. As such it is your responsibility to find a willing person or persons to do the childcare for you while you are at work.

Your mother is not willing so find a childminder or nursery.

she's clearly not interested in doing that for you and there's no point getting upset about it as (selfish as it is)
What is selfish about not wanting daily childcare responsibilities for a child you didn't conceive?

It really isn’t selfish to not want to provide regular, free childcare.

It’s unreasonable of you to assume. She is obviously happy to help out but tbh you having a child shouldn’t curtail the lives of others. Your youngest sibling has just gone off to uni and your mum probably felt pretty happy that she was done with her child rearing days (for the most part).

I find it odd that she doesn't want to seeing as she has no commitments , is young and healthy and was so excited about being a grandma ! I think the op is allowed to be disappointed

I'm the same age as your mum.

I had this conversation only yesterday with my husband about what would happen when our children have their own families.

I'm just at the stage where they are leaving home and we have waited for this moment.

I would most definitely offer ad-hoc childcare but I would still be wanting to travel and see friends and do the things I've not been able to do forget the last 23 years.

So I completely agree with your mum. Having just buried my father I realise Life is far too short to wait. ill health can strip us of our time in a moment.

Your mum will fill in for the odd emergency and I'm sure will help out when she can. But it's both you and your husbands responsibility to sort out childcare. It's absolutely not on to expect her to do this.

I hope you can find a way. Most will be able to once the child is in school.