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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

Original poster

Grandparent asking for money for looking after my 9 month son

389 replies

Candyfloss11 · 04/01/2022 23:04

I have a 9 month old son and for the past year my mother has been living with me and my husband. She has helped us out a lot by looking after my son when both me and my husband are in a pinch. This has been great and much appreciated and at first i thought she was happy to help out because she expressed how much she wanted a grandchild before my son was born.

So we let her stay with us so she can spend more time with her grandchild. However she has recently said she now wants to be paid for looking after my son and is upset that we haven’t paid her at all. She did not indicate that she expected payment in the first place. Does this seem reasonable at all? Given that she is staying with us she has no expenses, she is divorced with no partner and is retired so it’s not like she has been missing out on any employment income anyway. We have also taken her to a few holidays with us as well.

If anything i’m more hurt that she feels this way, as my point of view us paying her feels like a transaction and not the fact that it’s her grandchild. I’m more than happy to pay for expenses that she might incur for looking after my son but in our case there isn't any because she lives with us. But if she wants payment then i might as well take my son to a nursery when im back at work.

OP posts:
GettingItOutThere · 05/01/2022 13:47

a few hours now and then you want full time off her when you go back to work?
you need to get your child in a nursery. Then your mum needs to move out!

If shes complaining now after a few hours, full time will tip her - i would not do it either!

Bluntness100 · 05/01/2022 16:46

I’m more than happy to pay for expenses that she might incur for looking after my son but in our case there isn't any because she lives with us. But if she wants payment then i might as well take my son to a nursery when im back at work.

So basically you’d just let him be with his gran if it was free. If you need to pay you’d use nursery? Lovely.

ihgood · 05/01/2022 17:15

Try not to take offense - From my experience, elderly people, who don't earn money anymore and rely on a small government income, can be scared for their financial future. If your mom isn't wealthy, she's lucky to have you and your child's lucky to have special time with Grandma often. I'm in the same boat and I'd rather pay Grandma to give one-to-one loving care for my child than a stranger giving one-to-10 children part-time attention. Of course, this depends on how your mom is with your child. If your mom is wealthy, that's plain weird!

rookiemere · 05/01/2022 17:59

Yes pesky elderly people demanding money for full time sole care of a baby. How demanding of them !

TueWed · 05/01/2022 23:01

@C8H10N4O2

If only there was a handy link which let busy posters read just the OP's five posts before commenting.
What is it you are referring to?
GrandmasCat · 06/01/2022 08:23

There is a handy link to see all OPs posts without having to read the full thread: click on “see all” under the starting post

NeverDropYourMoonCup · 06/01/2022 10:47

@GrandmasCat

There is a handy link to see all OPs posts without having to read the full thread: click on “see all” under the starting post
Unfortunately, there isn't when using the app on Android.
GrandmasCat · 06/01/2022 11:56

That’s strange. I find the app very fiddly so I check mumsnet using an internet browser of my phone.
Saves a tone of time! Smile

ChildOfFriday · 06/01/2022 12:40

@NeverDropYourMoonCup I'm using the app on an iPad so I'm not sure if it is the same, but there is a filter symbol in the top right hand corner of the screen (next to the up and down arrows that let you switch the order of posts) that allows you to filter to see the OP's posts only.

Needdoughnuts · 06/01/2022 13:15

I never thought of it as a filter (obvious now), I thought it was a mooncup! I've never seen a mooncup btw, it's just what I think they look likeBlush

Keaki · 06/01/2022 15:54

This one is a little tricky.

When you have a sitter or the child goes to Nursery there is a set amount of hours that the child is being taken care of (ie. 9-5, no weekends, etc). If you are asking the grandparents to care for the child above and beyond those hours then I believe the grandparent should be offered something. Yes, she is living rent free, but that doesn't mean that she is there solely for taking care of the child and can be left with the child at all hours without notice. They should make an arrangement for a set amount of "baby sitting" time and then anything over those hours should be compensated - I hope that makes sense?

winnieanddaisy · 06/01/2022 16:59

I live with DD and her family. My DGD is a teen now so doesn't need 'minding' . I pay a decent monthly sum to live there and I have never wanted a penny to mind DGD , and wouldn't accept it .
Start paying your mum £500 per month to mind DGC and then charge her £500 per month to live in your home . SimplesSmile

Tarano17 · 06/01/2022 17:36

Is she still having to pay bills on her own property? If so it’s unreasonable of you to expect free childcare from your Mother. This always when a Mother has her first child as she expects everyone to be as devoted to her DC as she is whilst forgetting that your Mother has already been there, done that and now just wants to enjoy her life. Get a grip and pay for your childcare like every other parent has to do.

Leedsfan247 · 06/01/2022 17:36

Free childcare - lucky you

randomchatter · 06/01/2022 17:38

Whilst I would never live with an adult child nor ask for payment for looking after grandchildren maybe you're missing something!

Not sure how old grandma is but perhaps she has plans - studies, short day/weekend trips, maybe a special 'friend'.... Perhaps you overestimated the amount of time she had planned for looking after her grandchild????

Perhaps she's not able to tell you that you're asking her to give up too much of her time because she feels guilty about living with you without paying - Presumably she can't afford to pay you rent!

Repecka · 06/01/2022 17:40

So, she lives with you for free…but begrudges babysitting for free for a few hours a week?

YANBU

Sit down and talk about it sensibly. Be willing to pay her a fair amount. But, I would also set out expectations of her paying rent at the same time.

SeasonFinale · 06/01/2022 17:40

@Bouncer500

I would pay her. It is hard looking after a 9 month old all day every day. I think it is odd that you don't. I paid my DM to look after my DC.
Missed the point that she lives with OP Rent and Bill free.

op pay her and then charge her market rent and bills!

FortniteBoysMum · 06/01/2022 17:41

Based on her living with you rent free I would have a conversation with her about how if you start to pay her she will need to contribute towards house hold bills etc. She cannot expect you to provide for her and pay a wage. I would look at other childcare rather than your mother, then point out that she may want to look into employment elsewhere. You cannot get help towards childcare costs for paying a relative but you may get help if its a registered provider. In which case your mother will need to get a job to pay her way or consider moving into a new place of her own or back to her own property.

SeasonFinale · 06/01/2022 17:41

@Leedsfan247

Free childcare - lucky you
Free housing and no bills at all. Lucky Grandma!!
Tarano17 · 06/01/2022 17:41

Your Mother will still have bills to pay on her own property even if her property is another country.
You seem very ungrateful to the fact that your Mother moved from her own home in another country to help you and are just taking advantage of her. Shame on you.

Amybelle88 · 06/01/2022 17:45

Rent free, expenses free, no food shop to pay for and a few holidays thrown in for good measure - a few hours of free childcare in return for all of that is more and I mean MORE than fair.

She sounds very entitled and a bit of a CF to be honest. I’ve got second hand embarrassment that she’s asked for payment to look after her grandchild. If it was everyday 9-5 then I’d have some understanding but a few hours a week? Nah! Sorry! Cheeky!

Imamomofone · 06/01/2022 17:46

I think it all depends what is your relationship with your mother . Personally for me I am happy for my own mother to stay in my home rent free as she doesn’t have any income and I wouldn’t mind her paying some money every month just to make her feel more independent and appreciated , may be not the full amount that I would have paid to child care and at the same time would share fair share of parental responsibility . I would not say my mom though that I’m paying her for child care as she might get hurt that I’m
Paying her for her grandchild but I am aware that Sometimes it is a lot for a elderly person to look after a child , even I’m young and I get tired . It’s very clear that you mother is not happy with the current set up . Either she is feeling overwhelmed or may be she is not being able to feel the appreciation you’re feeling for her or may be she wants to move out but can’t tell ?? May be you need to give some quality time to your mother and talk to her more frankly but softly ? I dont know but it all comes to your relationship with you mother and the culture you’re from

Hertsgirl10 · 06/01/2022 17:47

So she lives with you rent and bills free and you’re taking advantage? No this is ridiculous.

Talk to her and say if she wants to stay living there she needs to contribute in rent, bills and food and then use that money to pay for nursery fees. Sorry but she’s taking advantage of you, not the other way around.

Suzanne999 · 06/01/2022 17:48

As your MIL lives overseas there might be paperwork involved with her being paid and you count her as childcare when you return to work and also the length of time she is here depending on if she needed a visa or not.

Hertsgirl10 · 06/01/2022 17:50

@Tarano17 😂😂 Really?

Even if she has another place no matter where, she still needs to pay for herself where ever she is living.

Would you have her staying at your house rent free and pay her holidays for nothing 😂

Shame on the mum for using her daughter when she’s on maternity leave.