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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

Original poster

Grandparent asking for money for looking after my 9 month son

389 replies

Candyfloss11 · 04/01/2022 23:04

I have a 9 month old son and for the past year my mother has been living with me and my husband. She has helped us out a lot by looking after my son when both me and my husband are in a pinch. This has been great and much appreciated and at first i thought she was happy to help out because she expressed how much she wanted a grandchild before my son was born.

So we let her stay with us so she can spend more time with her grandchild. However she has recently said she now wants to be paid for looking after my son and is upset that we haven’t paid her at all. She did not indicate that she expected payment in the first place. Does this seem reasonable at all? Given that she is staying with us she has no expenses, she is divorced with no partner and is retired so it’s not like she has been missing out on any employment income anyway. We have also taken her to a few holidays with us as well.

If anything i’m more hurt that she feels this way, as my point of view us paying her feels like a transaction and not the fact that it’s her grandchild. I’m more than happy to pay for expenses that she might incur for looking after my son but in our case there isn't any because she lives with us. But if she wants payment then i might as well take my son to a nursery when im back at work.

OP posts:
Needanewadventure2021 · 06/01/2022 17:50

How is she providing free childcare when they are providing free accommodation, food, utilities etc? No one can live for free

ShinyHappyPoster · 06/01/2022 17:53

It sounds as though you've fallen into the trap of thinking you have free full-time childcare on tap and you're so annoyed that your mum doesn't want to do that, that you'd rather pay a nursery than pay your mum.
You need to apologise for assuming your mum was full-time free childcare. She never volunteered to do that.

PJJA · 06/01/2022 17:54

Family don’t need to be registered to care for related family members. If she’s not paying whilst living with you then I would say that’s fine to pay you but we would expect you to contribute to the household

Tomitma111 · 06/01/2022 17:55

You say that you also take her on holidays with you, is she also looking after the child on holiday?

Michellelovesizzy · 06/01/2022 17:56

If she didn’t live with u rent free I would say u need to pay but she does she surly u just help each out her out x

TheRemotePart · 06/01/2022 17:58

Hmm a bit of a strange one.
She’s always free to go home ?
Why don’t you “pay “ her a few pounds for 2 days a week and other 3 in nursery? It sounds like she could off it back home at any time, so you’re as well to get nursery started anyways
It sounds like she’s feeling a bit taken advantage of or overwhelmed-if it’s 5 days a week? Not that I agree-I think she has a nice set up.

My mil is taking my baby 2 days a week and can’t wait!

NeverDropYourMooncup · 06/01/2022 17:59

[quote ChildOfFriday]@NeverDropYourMoonCup I'm using the app on an iPad so I'm not sure if it is the same, but there is a filter symbol in the top right hand corner of the screen (next to the up and down arrows that let you switch the order of posts) that allows you to filter to see the OP's posts only. [/quote]
It's not there on Android - bottom left gives you Flip, Share and Reply. Wish it was, as it would make dealing with megathreads so much easier.

Ddot · 06/01/2022 18:00

Pay her and charge her rent, council tax, gas, electric, food, insurance, water, tv licence and anything I've forgotten

SleepingStandingUp · 06/01/2022 18:00

I would apologise, say you'd left baby with her as you thought that was what she wanted. However yo u can now see that you've become an imposition in her. Reassure her you will not ask her to have baby before you go back to work and will of course arrange for full time childcare. You don't want her to feel beholden to you due to paying or to feel she isn't free to go home whenever she chooses

Clarissa76 · 06/01/2022 18:02

It’s a strange one if she’s living with you for free.

One thing that struck me- does she seem as sharp mentally as she normally is? One of my granny’s early dementia symptoms was that she became paranoid that people were taking advantage of her or stealing from her.

hivemindneeded · 06/01/2022 18:03

@Candyfloss11

Just answering some of the questions here, no she does not contribute to any household expenses or the holidays. Reason is because we saw her as family but looks like she sadly doesnt feel like that.

I agree we have taken her for granted for the many times she’s helped us but she never really complained about it and we were always under the impression she just wanted to spend more time with me and her grandchild. Feels like she bottled it all up until now

Finally she is living with us because she has no where else to stay in the country. She has her own home in another country but she decided to come stay with us to help us out as she really wanted a grandchild - these were her own words.

My plan is to hopefully have an open sit down convo with her soon

I think people are being very unfair to your mother. She came to help you out, She was excited to spend time with her grandson. But that is very different from becoming his main carer day in, day out, unpaid. I think you are hugely undervaluing her if she looks after him for hours every day while you are at work, unpaid. She doesn;t pay towards your home but presumably still has ongoing costs in the upkeep of her permanent home elsewhere.

'helping out' means taking him for a half day so you can go shopping or get your hair done, or looking after him if you were exhausted and up all night. It doesn't mean full time unpaid carer. I'm pretty disgusted that anyone on MN thinks she's being unfair. Hardly feminist to think someone should care for a child in exchange for bed and board. Such devaluation of women's contribution.

Ask yourself - is what she is doing a job? Is it occasional help with you in tow or giving you a break, or is she main carer while you work. if she is, that's a very tough job and you need to apologise and give her a huge present or some money, make 100% sure she isn't out of pocket on the upkeep of her home while she's been tied to you and promise her you;ll never take her for granted again.

Kite22 · 06/01/2022 18:04

My initial response was for you to suggest she takes payment for looking after your dc, off the amounts she is going to give you for rent, bills and food, but seriously, you need to sit and have a serious conversation about what the longer term plan is.

It is lovely (and not unusual I would have thought) that she wanted to come over and support you when you had your baby, and, as she is coming over to support you, not strange that she would stay in your home, but it seems after that there has been a lot of assuming going on rather than actual discussion about what the plan is for the next stage.
I don't know how you and your dh have tolerated having another person living in your home for so many months - but maybe there is some cultural expectation in that or maybe you just have a really amenable mother, and really laid back dh and a really big house ? But people are right about thinks like Visas, or 'right to remain' in the country usually only being temporary. Then add in 'right to work', and, if taking money from anyone for childcare, then all the registrations and checks that would have to be done for that - then tax, NI implications.
Then, if she is going to take on the role formally, will she expect to live with you? Do you both want her to live with you? What will she be contributing towards household costs, etc etc all needs to be looked at (plus, possibly, how she is managing her affairs - her property etc - in her own country_.

Clarissa76 · 06/01/2022 18:07

that is very different from becoming his main carer day in, day out

She’s only doing a few hours a week.

ChiefStockingStuffer · 06/01/2022 18:07

Send her home.

Tell her you completely understand her position has changed since she's still maintaining a home and its related expenses, but so are you. Plus, you're fully supporting her while she's staying with you. Tell her she return to her own home and life and you will look into formal childcare for your little one and possibly a paying boarder.

YDBear · 06/01/2022 18:11

So she lives free with you and gives you free childcare? But now wants to be paid? If I were you I’d just say “since you don’t enjoy the task I will take the child to daycare, but this will be a little pricey so perhaps we should discuss your paying rent from now on.” Don’t address the “she’ll do it but for money” aspect. Just present as you “understanding” she doesn’t want to do it from now on and quite reasonably seeking alternative arrangements. See how she gets out of that.

eagerlywaitingfor · 06/01/2022 18:14

In a multi-generational household it is only fair for all adults to either contribute financially to the running of the household, or in other ways if they are physically able.

What next - will she expect to be paid for doing some ironing?

OMG12 · 06/01/2022 18:15

I would take your DS to nursery where he can benefit from all they have to offer. Set up rental agreement with your DM and ask for contribution to living costs. Discuss now payment re looking after her in old age.

2DogsOnMySofa · 06/01/2022 18:16

She pays no rent, no bills and I presume eats at your expense, but she wants paying for a few hours a week of childcare? Lol I think I'd laugh at her and ask her if she'd prefer to move out or pay rent and contribute towards food

HauntedPencil · 06/01/2022 18:17

If she wasn't living with you and short of money I'd say no it might be an idea to give something to reflect the costs you are saving but if she is living with you rent free I do think it's a bit rich to ask for pay for it - it would be like you charging her rent

Overtired201984 · 06/01/2022 18:17

She is out of order ! ….. as far as I’m concerned ! Who pays their grandparents to look after the child , honestly , sorry to slag your mother off - but the UTTER CHEEK!

Sallybates · 06/01/2022 18:18

There is a scheme whereby she has NI contributions paid by the state for childcare of this sort. Doesn’t cost you anything and could enhance her state pension. Although retired she might not be of that age to get state pension?

cherrypie66 · 06/01/2022 18:21

@rattlemehearties

As far as I understand it she needs to be Ofsted registered if she wants to be paid for regular childcare (as opposed to babysitting)
That's rubbish. Nannies don't need to be ofstead registered only childminders
cherish123 · 06/01/2022 18:22

YANBU
Very odd to expect payment for looking after a grandchild.

cherrypie66 · 06/01/2022 18:24

@Candyfloss11

Just answering some of the questions here, no she does not contribute to any household expenses or the holidays. Reason is because we saw her as family but looks like she sadly doesnt feel like that.

I agree we have taken her for granted for the many times she’s helped us but she never really complained about it and we were always under the impression she just wanted to spend more time with me and her grandchild. Feels like she bottled it all up until now

Finally she is living with us because she has no where else to stay in the country. She has her own home in another country but she decided to come stay with us to help us out as she really wanted a grandchild - these were her own words.

My plan is to hopefully have an open sit down convo with her soon

She needs to pay rent then bloody cheek. I couldn't feel the same after this I'd just ask her to go home
woodhill · 06/01/2022 18:26

@Sallybates

There is a scheme whereby she has NI contributions paid by the state for childcare of this sort. Doesn’t cost you anything and could enhance her state pension. Although retired she might not be of that age to get state pension?
OPs dm lives in another country so hasn't paid any any NI