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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

Original poster

Grandparent asking for money for looking after my 9 month son

389 replies

Candyfloss11 · 04/01/2022 23:04

I have a 9 month old son and for the past year my mother has been living with me and my husband. She has helped us out a lot by looking after my son when both me and my husband are in a pinch. This has been great and much appreciated and at first i thought she was happy to help out because she expressed how much she wanted a grandchild before my son was born.

So we let her stay with us so she can spend more time with her grandchild. However she has recently said she now wants to be paid for looking after my son and is upset that we haven’t paid her at all. She did not indicate that she expected payment in the first place. Does this seem reasonable at all? Given that she is staying with us she has no expenses, she is divorced with no partner and is retired so it’s not like she has been missing out on any employment income anyway. We have also taken her to a few holidays with us as well.

If anything i’m more hurt that she feels this way, as my point of view us paying her feels like a transaction and not the fact that it’s her grandchild. I’m more than happy to pay for expenses that she might incur for looking after my son but in our case there isn't any because she lives with us. But if she wants payment then i might as well take my son to a nursery when im back at work.

OP posts:
Jtb5790 · 05/01/2022 11:27

@Haffiana

Bless you, hope you feel better now. I don't have time to read the whole thread, sorry. Enjoy your day though

How utterly disrespectful to OP to not bother to read the thread before mouthing off.

But wait - you have plenty of time to try to have the last word, eh? Maybe you could use that time more productively?

🎣 😂😂😂😂
Jtb5790 · 05/01/2022 11:27

@CatJumperTwat

Well yeah. You didn't read the fucking thread. OP wants full time childcare for free from her own mother.

Um no, she doesn't. Try taking your own advice.

She just wants an argument, best ignored 🥲
NewtoHolland · 05/01/2022 11:28

Have you explained she gets a free place to live, free bills, free food and free holidays? So you weren't expecting to pay her a wage on top?

Bluntness100 · 05/01/2022 11:30

@StrifeOfBath

I would say it has been lovely having her with you living as part of the family and spending time with her grandchild? and you are sorry if you misunderstood that she wanted payment, but while you are on maternity leave you haven’t budgeted for childcare costs and are yourselves on reduced income. Ask what her thoughts are.

Long (and even medium) term this isn’t sustainable. You will need reliable childcare to cover all your working hours, and of a kind you feel happy with. Also, unless your DH feels very relaxed and happy having your Mum in the household, this is very unfair on him.

I hope it is resolved with as little upset as possible.

A promise to visit her with your baby in the summer / an invitation to visit again … how far away does she live? A 2 hour flight or 12?

Another who hasn’t read the ops posts..sigh.
workingtheusername · 05/01/2022 11:35

If she's living rent/food free I'd say offer a nominal amount to "top up" or offer a fair wage but have a conversation about rent contribution at same time. A nursery will cost approx 50/60 a day although you may be entitled to some benefits to reduce that. It seems like poor communication she maybe assumed you would offer her money and you assumed she wanted to do it for free. There's not really a right or wrong, a lot of grandparents work for free some get paid. We paid my mil the cost of her part time job she gave up but my mum did it for free as she fitted it round work.

RobotValkyrie · 05/01/2022 11:35

Finally she is living with us because she has no where else to stay in the country. She has her own home in another country

What country are you in, OP? And what nationality is your mum? If you're in the UK and your mum is not British or Irish or a permanent resident, she may end up in serious trouble with the Home Office. Max limit for staying as a tourist (that includes visiting family) is 6 months.
And it would make your current set up looks a bit like modern day slavery, quite frankly... (unpaid labour by illegal immigrant... For info, even stuff like au pair are currently illegal under current UK immigration rules, and your mum sounds like an unpaid au pair!)

Note: obviously, if your mum is a national or permanent resident of the country you live in (and her other home is her "expat" home), then no worries on that front. Unpaid labour still a weird arrangement, though...

mumwon · 05/01/2022 11:38

How many hours per week does she care for your child & does she do housework for you (aka washing up putting washing on & sorting it shopping etc) Does she pay for things like snacks when she takes dc out?
if you had a nanny living with you you would still have to pay her
At the least you should give her some money -

mumwon · 05/01/2022 11:43

Ah just read all of your comments
Its fairly typical that many gp volunteer & than later on regret it because they forgot how demanding it is to care for a child

inheritancetrack · 05/01/2022 11:50

She's taking the piss

ChargingBuck · 05/01/2022 11:59

If anything i’m more hurt that she feels this way

Of course you are!
Has your mum always been this demanding?

I'd be very tempted to tell her that of course she can be paid for childminding.
And that you will reciprocate by charging rent. £100 a week, plus bills, & she buys & cooks her own food, like a lodger.

Has she quit her own home entirely now, so you are responsible for her housing? It's hard to believe she doesn't appreciate that she's getting totally free accommodation.

fruitbrewhaha · 05/01/2022 12:01

Perhaps you should start charging her bed and board?

Maybe it's time she found somewhere else to live. I'd be pretty pissed off at the suggestion that she should be paid.

Nest time you pick something up from the shop, give her a bill, after dinner give her a bill. Invoice her for rent! Or just talk to her to show her how unreasonable it all is.

puddsmum49 · 05/01/2022 12:04

What were you planning to do when your maternity leave ends? Perhaps the fact that you are returning to work soon has pre-empted this. There's a big difference between helping out for a few hours while you are still at home, and looking after your son full-time when you return to work. If you hadn't discussed this with her - i.e. what your expectations would be, how much she would be expected to do, this might have been her (albeit clumsy) way of raising the issue.

Totalwasteofpaper · 05/01/2022 12:04

At 9 months you need to sort out nursery care urgently unless you want to pay her and you will have to pay her because you have no other childcare options.

While personally i think she is taking the mick I can also see how see how she in her head might think it's reasonable.

If my mother was living with me, being what i viewed as helpful and hands on with the baby and i was buying all food etc i'd be happy to give her 100 a week or so just for sundries.

It sound like this isnt how you feel so i would say its lovely shes had the time to bond with baby, you thought accomodation plus providing food/transport etc. was suitable but understadn her position. Unfortunately you cant afford to pay her as you need your savings for FT childcare when you return to work, so given this it's perhaps best she goes home in 2-3 weeks.

Comedycook · 05/01/2022 12:08

I think expecting free full time childcare from grandparents is really cheeky...but that isn't what's happening here. Considering she is living for free in your house then I think she's being really unreasonable.

puddsmum49 · 05/01/2022 12:12

I wouldn't get pissy with her. Enjoying spending time with a grandchild and providing proper regular fulltime childcare, are too different things. It sounds as though you just need a discussion.

saraclara · 05/01/2022 12:14

@Comedycook

I think expecting free full time childcare from grandparents is really cheeky...but that isn't what's happening here. Considering she is living for free in your house then I think she's being really unreasonable.
But OP is expecting full time child care. Like you, I initially thought this was just abbot the odd hour here and there (as it possibly has been while OP is on maternity leave), but OP is expecting her mum to step in when she returns to work very shortly.
TonkinLenkicks · 05/01/2022 12:16

I don’t think you’re taking the piss with a couple of hours a week. She’s living with you rent free! You don’t need to pay her, she’s a grandmother spending a couple of hours a week with her grandchild. Really cheeky behaviour of her

YanTanTetheraPetheraPimp · 05/01/2022 12:17

@MadAntonia

I agree we have taken her for granted for the many times she’s helped us but she never really complained...

She shouldn’t have to.

Fair treatment from one’s own family shouldn’t be contingent on complaining.

How comfortable do you think she would have felt speaking up?

The fact that she loves her grandchild is being exploited.

I suspect her asking for payment is a way of trying to express this. If you give her an opportunity to talk about it, I’m sure it can be cleared up very easily.

And But if she wants payment then i might as well take my son to a nursery when im back at work clearly shows you expect free full time childcare from her. Very presumptuous on your part. I’m a grandmother, happy to do childcare, even for several weeks at a time, but you’re taking the proverbial. Even if she is staying with free board and lodging.
Suzi888 · 05/01/2022 12:21

YANBU
She is being very unreasonable though!

StrifeOfBath · 05/01/2022 12:21

@Bluntness100

All the OP’s posts read actually.

crosstalk · 05/01/2022 12:42

There are so many unknowns here.

How far away is DM away from home? Does she miss it and want to return?
Does she have enough income? Did the OP and DH pay for flights?
Is she fit enough to look after the toddler stage? Does she want to do more than she's doing already?
Is she really being expected to do FT child care or just wrap around and/or stepping up when child care fails. Could she cope?

I hope the family meeting starts with OP or DH saying "thank you so much for what you've been doing for us ...." And then asking about her concerns and whether she's been happy.

longtompot · 05/01/2022 13:16

I wonder if your mum thought a few hours a week would be fine but now there is potentially a full time childcare situation looming she might not feel up to it. I don't know how old your mum is but I know when mine was looking after my siblings kids, she did find it harder than expected and she was in her early 60s.
Hope your chat with her later goes well.

Santaisstilleatingmincepies · 05/01/2022 13:18

Well obviously draw her up a tenancy agreement with appropriate rent amount. And she can pay towards the bills also.
Then you use that cash for nursery fees.

TiddlesTheTiger · 05/01/2022 13:28

I’m more than happy to pay for expenses that she might incur for looking after my son but in our case there isn't any because she lives with us. But if she wants payment then i might as well take my son to a nursery when im back at work.

You should do that anyway.
Full time childcare would be far too much to expect from her.

She is unreasonable to expect payment for occasional child minding, tho, especially as she is living with you at no cost to her.

C8H10N4O2 · 05/01/2022 13:39

If only there was a handy link which let busy posters read just the OP's five posts before commenting.