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Original poster

Ex partner wants our son 4 days of the week!

398 replies

Kimberleysmith · 30/10/2021 19:54

My ex partner and I have separated.

To cut a very long story short, all of my family live in the Midlands and I've been living with my partner up North for 8 years. I am wanting to move back for obvious reasons; emotional support, and to be closer to my family who can help me with my almost 1 year old.

My ex partner is not happy at me wanting to move back, but what is more frustrating is, he works shifts - so four days on and then four days off, he is adamant he is entitled to have our son on his four days off?!

It doesn't matter how many times I've tried to explain this cannot happen, he will not agree to anything else. We are heading for mediation, but I'd like to know in other Mum's experience, what could be a suitable arrangement here? Would I be accommodating if I suggested two days with an over night stay?

Thank you in advance 

OP posts:
Strictly1 · 30/10/2021 19:59

In the interests of the child - why can it not happen? This is what you need to think carefully about.

GiantKitten · 30/10/2021 20:01

I’ve no idea of the legalities, but 4 days on/4 days off is a horrible pattern to have to try to fit in with.

Tokyotammy · 30/10/2021 20:01

Why can't it happen?

EasterIssland · 30/10/2021 20:03

@Strictly1

In the interests of the child - why can it not happen? This is what you need to think carefully about.
This. Whats your work pattern and would it work 4 days for you in a row?

As other poster has said you need to think about your child’s best interest. If he’s a good dad moving away from where they child was born is not on his best interests

I say this as a foreigners who knows will never be able to move away if I broke with my partner cuz it wouldn’t be on my child’s best interest

Nomoreusernames1244 · 30/10/2021 20:03

Why can’t it happen? 50:50 care should be the aim.

You want to move away for family help, yet you have the childs dad there and willing to have 50:50? Why is it better the child is looked after by your family and not their dad?

Seems to me you are rejecting dad’s care in favoutr or yohr family.

Also you do know that if you move away, you are expected to take the child to see their dad.

Original poster
Kimberleysmith · 30/10/2021 20:03

@Strictly1

In the interests of the child - why can it not happen? This is what you need to think carefully about.
How can this be settling for our son? It's also not 50/50 access?
OP posts:
Tokyotammy · 30/10/2021 20:03

Forgot to add, it's understandable he doesn't want you to move with his child, he wants to be active parent in his child's life.

PotteringAlong · 30/10/2021 20:04

I think you need to stay near your son’s dad to facilitate easy contact. How old is your son?

IAAP · 30/10/2021 20:05

It the routine of the child not yours. If it is a constant 4 days on and 4 days off why can’t he do a week and a week off - and get a childminder nursery etc for his days.

Personally I went for continuity of home for the child I got full custody - he got every other weekend. It depends how hands on he is and if you work or not. Apply to relocate - do you breast feed? All relevant.

Strictly1 · 30/10/2021 20:06

Lots of children are settled having 50:50 contact. I'd hate it but it wouldn't be about me. I'm not attacking you - you need to have good, solid reasons to say no.

KnobJockey · 30/10/2021 20:06

Well it is 50/50, as some weeks he will have 4 days with him, and some you will have 4 days. It's just the days change each week. It would only work until school though, and if you are currently not working.

What have you suggested he does? 50/50 should be the default, so start from there and work it out.

IAAP · 30/10/2021 20:06

4 days with F and 4 days with M is 50/50

Original poster
Kimberleysmith · 30/10/2021 20:07

@IAAP

4 days with F and 4 days with M is 50/50
There's seven days in a week?
OP posts:
Beamur · 30/10/2021 20:07

I think you should get some legal advice. If you cannot agree then you will have to go to court.
My DH had his kids 50% of the time but this was in agreement with his ex and they both agreed not to move until the kids were older so to avoid the kind of situation you have.

Fetarabbit · 30/10/2021 20:09

If it's 4 on then 4 off then it would be equal time, but over 8 days rather than a week which is 7 days.

celandiney · 30/10/2021 20:10

The obvious problem I see with this is that he will always have your DC on his days off - you might end up with your days being all days you are working.( if you work). That's 50/50 but it's not fair.

GiltEdges · 30/10/2021 20:10

4 days on 4 days off is 50/50 Confused It's really not that hard to understand. You just have to stop thinking about it in terms of a 7 day week.

bambi1132 · 30/10/2021 20:11

What about school if dad is living miles away?

Original poster
Kimberleysmith · 30/10/2021 20:12

@celandiney

The obvious problem I see with this is that he will always have your DC on his days off - you might end up with your days being all days you are working.( if you work). That's 50/50 but it's not fair.
Yes, I've thought this too.
OP posts:
BunNcheese · 30/10/2021 20:12

I think if you want to move back to your home town that is fair enough. I would not base your life around the child of your father because not many men do this for the mother of their kids.

Anything could change at any give time he could get a new partner and have more kids and so on. His new family unfortunately would possibly be his priority.

Your the main parent/resident so essentially it's upto to you where you choose to move OP.

Viviennemary · 30/10/2021 20:14

I don't think you can just decide to move away with your child. That will make shared custody difficult.

Whstdoyouthink · 30/10/2021 20:14

Yeah I agree with @celandiney the main issue will be how you get stability for your own work if his 4 days constantly rotates. Your Ex partner will need to look for a different job

Equally you would be very unreasonable to move away from your ex partner. I understand your reasons but you need to keep contact between your son and husband

RunningFromInsanity · 30/10/2021 20:14

Why should you get him most the time?
Jesus, be thankful your child has a father who wants to be involved.
You would be unreasonable to move a child away from his father.

KnobJockey · 30/10/2021 20:14

Some weeks he might have mon- Thurs (4 days) you have fri- Mon) technically 3 days of that week. A few weeks later you will have mon- Thurs and he will have fri- mon so you will have 4 days, him 3 of that week.

AutumnFrolicks · 30/10/2021 20:14

I think it's commendable there's a father wanting to have 50/50 custody tbh. You need to get a solicitor and make an agreeable solution.

4 days a week will not work once your dc is at school . You need a legal agreement op